The (Belated) 2009 Summary

I made a comment to someone last week that last year was such a lazy year for me. That comment bugged me all day and when I later thought about it I realised how untrue it was. Sure I might not have accomplished everything I set out to, but does that mean I failed? Far from it. I achieved a lot last year, so I thought I would briefly summarise my achievements to inspire me and also so I can look back when I am struggling this year and remember that anything is possible.

Firstly I successfully came off the anti-anxiety medication. That was a goal I always thought would be in the future, but suddenly it happened. Not only did I come off the meds but I no longer suffer from anxiety. It does creep up now and then but I am free from it in my everyday life after battling it for many years.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do for the career aspect of my life. I was spending years floating around doing admin jobs and I was hungry for more. I wanted passion and fire and something I could look forward too. I finally went back to my childhood love of Agriculture and applied for uni and got in. Only 5 more weeks till I start now!

My manuscript, I realised this year that it is going to take a lot longer than I first thought it would. When I first wrote it, it was never a manuscript, it was all journal entries during a very dark time of my life and it wasn't until that period was ending I thought I would turn it into something more. So it means a lot more editing and so many more gaps to fill than if I just started out with the "let's write a book" goal (which sometimes I think I should just start again with it). However I did managed to edit over 100 pages of work and on top of that produce an additional 100 pages of writing which I think is a huge effort and it is something I am very proud of.

My relationship with The Boy has totally flourished. We only moved in together at the end of 2008 not having been together all that long and neither of us having lived with a partner before. The first few months were really tough and a huge shock and adjustment to both of us, but we have managed to get over all the drama and reach a really great place to be in. I don't really know how to put it into words, except that we are both happy and live together in harmony most of the time (still trying to work on a few more annoying habits).

I have also strengthened my relationship with my family. My mum commented the other day that since I moved in with The Boy I have grown up immensely and I have noticed that too and I just have a lovely relationship with my mum and dad now and even my brother. He has even started to hug me when he sees me now. This is huge considering when we were living together all we did was fight. I cannot remember the last time I fought with any of them.

I don't have a massive circle of friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and I'm very close to them, but I wanted to expand my circle a little bit more and I was fortunate over the 12 months to develop two new friendships from places I least expected it. It wasn't until I thought about this recently that I realised I am now good friends with both of them. It is weird because I think as an adult you kinda get stuck and it is so much harder to make friends. I know I will be friends with both these girls for so many years to come and it gives me confidence for when we move that I won't be isolated for long.

Money. Due to my younger, reckless years (how old does that sound!) I managed to rack up some personal debt, but this year I was able to halve it which was more than I thought I could do. I am very pleased about that but also realised I can always aim higher and push myself further.

And finally I acquired new skills such as cooking and rediscovered old ones such as my tapestry. I am loving learning new skills and finding joy in the old ones and this is something I will continue with this year also.

So there we go. Reflecting on this list I actually feel pretty good about myself and confident in what I can achieve this year. I am also reminded that I need to not only think positive thoughts but speak them as well. So the next time someone asks me how the last 12 months have been I am able to respond with pride that it was an amazing time with some wonderful dreams achieved.

My Inner Country Girl - The Conclusion

From about Yr 10 onwards I just assumed I would be doing Agriculture at uni. I was selected to attend an ag camp in Yr 10 and Yr 11 (only 2 or 3 students from each school goes to one of the uni's for a weekend to do lots of prac and "Ag stuff"). And with the addition of 3Unit in Yr 12, it was obvious. It was my favourite subject, it was my passion, I just loved it.

My next best subject was Biology. I was clearly a "sci-ency girl". I am a very analytical thinker and loved all that science teaches you. As it came time to make my initial list of preferences, Agriculture was #1. However, as it came time to lock in my selection I started to doubt it. I asked everyone what they thought I should do (in the days before I had the guts to actually think for myself). The school counsellor suggested Bio, as did my Bio teacher. Friends suggested bio, family suggested Bio, everyone suggested Bio, except Mrs Allen my Ag teacher who told me to do Ag. I felt I was more of a plant person so she suggested Horticulture. But, everyone told me "Do Science, specialise in Bio then you can do Ag later if you want."

In Yr 12 we (the Ag class) went to an excursion to the Ag farms at Sydney Uni. A lecturer gave a talk about wheat. About how one of his colleagues discovered the gene to ensure the wheat crop would always produce a tall crop and not a short crop and how this discovery had enabled millions of farmers in third world countries to provide food and an income. I was burning. This was what I wanted to do. Get into crops, make a discovery, help people. Mrs Allen asked me what I thought at the end and I told her with 100% certainly, I want this, I want to study Horticulture and make a difference. I was on fire.

But passion is quickly subdued when everyone tries to cover it with a fire blanket (and you let them), which in my case was sweet talking me to do Bio. I don't know what they thought was wrong with Ag. Maybe it was because it was "farming" in their eyes, and I was to "smart" for that. Or perhaps because my UAI could be "spent" better. At the time Ag only required a UAI of 60-70, but I could get into some science degrees that required a higher UAI than that and therefore I could "spend" it better. This was what people told me, that I was too good and should do better.

I should have listened to my gut and my heart, but I didn't. I was scared, I was confused, and I just wanted what was best for me. I didn't trust myself, I had low self esteem so surely everyone else's opinion was better than mine, right? So I choose Bio. And off I went to study Bio. Sure it was kinda fun. I enjoyed learning what I did, and all the problem solving and discovering just how amazing and wonderful life is, but none of it set my heart on fire. I discovered that Bio was something I loved to learn, but not loved to spend my life on. I didn't want it. So hence I never entered the world of Biology. It ended when I finished my degree.

I forgot about Ag. I had my Bio but I wasn't using it, therefore I would just live a life doing jobs I really didn't want. And that is what happened. I worked to have fun and to earn money, but I never took any of it seriously. This year, however, I decided it was time to change all that. I went back to my passions, and Ag was the one of only a few things that I was really, truly, passionate about.

Yes I am 27, but it is never too late. For the last several months I have researched, extensively, about how I can study Agriculture. I thought I would have to be an undergrad again, but as I persevered I discovered there was a post grad option. Post grad coursework that could lead to a Masters in Ag in coursework (same as a degree) and then I could do the Dip Ed and teach Agriculture!! (A dream). So, the other day, I went online to UAC and applied. Fingers crossed I hear good news soon. It is time to live again and be true to who I am; a passionate country girl.

Image: Flickr

Part One, Part Two

My Inner Country Girl - Part Two

Every year at presentation night I would sit at the announcement assembly secretly hoping that my name would be called out for one of the prizes. I wasn't sporty, arty or musical, and while I was good academically, there were girls who were ahead of me, so I had no reason to get an award, but I still hoped. In Year 12 it was my last chance. In our first assembly the principal gave the speech she gives every year for the first assembly and that was to set some goals, write them down, work hard etc. I never listened, but this time I did, and that afternoon when I came home I wrote down what I wanted to achieve that year and on that list included "To receive an award at Presentation Night."

In Year 12 they give all the generic awards, but also give awards to each person who comes first in each subject. I knew my best shot at getting an award was to come first in Agriculture. I was very confident in my ability to do this, I loved it and had no issues working hard at it. I was doing both the 2Unit and the 3Unit as well. For our first assessment I got 15/15, however, so did another girl, and it was suddenly apparent that she wanted that prize too. Clearly I had some competition. The next assessment was 14/15, she scored the same, this was not going to be easy.

I did have one advantage over her though, I was doing 3Unit and she wasn't. All 3Unit involved was the exam (50%) and a research project (50%). This was essentially a 6-9 month experiment. Mine was titled "The Nitrogen Levels in the Reproductive and Vegetative Stage of a Forage Wheat, Using An Artificial Fertiliser and An Organic Fertiliser". Basically I grew wheat in plastic containers in the backyard for 18weeks using two different fertilisers and then had the various components tested at the end. My parents loved that, having a massive patch in the backyard of dead grass from where all the pots were.

My competitor and I continued to battle it out, staying even the whole way through, even our trials didn't put one over the other. I could only hope that my 3Unit advantage would secure me the prize.

For the HSC itself, 3Unit Agriculture was my last exam. There was only about 7 of us doing the course and as we waited for the clock to hit 2:00pm, one of the supervisors smiled and asked if this was anybodies last exam. A few of us said yes. I was one of them. She smiled and said "Just think, after this exam, you will have finished school". Not the wisest thing to say to a bunch of girls just before an exam is to commence. I hadn't thought about that, I was about to finish school. I kept thinking about it, and thinking about it. It was 2pm, reading time, and thinking about it. 2:05pm commence writing, and freakin thinking about it. Can't breathe, about to finish school, freakin out, need to do exam, clock ticking, HELP!

I was sitting in my chair making nosies she looked at me and whispered;

"Are you Ok?"

"I can't breathe."

"Let's take you outside"

She walked over and escorted me outside. It was my first ever panic attack.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm about to finish school, but I have to do this exam, I worked so hard for this, I have to do it."

"Just take some deep breathes, just calm down, take your time."

"No, I cannot I have to do this exam."

I looked at her, took one breath and walked in, I was suddenly on auto pilot, I sat in my chair and just started writing, pushing all other thoughts out of my head. I had wasted at least 10 minutes, and these exams left no room for error. My saving grace was the fact that throughout the year I did every single past exam paper for 3Unit and my teacher marked every single one and gave me very thorough feedback. Because of that I was able to answer the questions, because I already had answered them. As she called "Pens down" I had just finished all the questions. But I had not put my student number on any of the pages. She very graciously let me do that then and there without saying a word, (probably because she knew if she kept her mouth shut I wouldn't have been in that situation). It was over, I had finished school. I should have been jumping for joy, but instead, I was devastated. Mum was picking me up from school to celebrate and I got in the car and burst into tears telling her what happened and I had no idea what I wrote and it was all a big mess and I was going to screw up the HSC and not get the UAI I wanted and my life was over.

A few weeks later we all gathered a few days before presentation night to find out who was getting an award. I sat with my friends, hoping.

"Agriculture, Elissa"

I did it.

When the HSC results came out I was trembling, so afraid of what my UAI would be and how my poor effort in 3Unit would have effected it. Turns out it was my best subject, 47/50. Couldn't ask for anything better.

Now all I had to do was finalise my uni preferences....

Conclusion to come.

My Inner Country Girl - Part One

This year I have spent a lot of time thinking about what made me happy when I was a child/teenager. Back then I only ever did things that I wanted to do, if I didn't want to do it (like ballet) then I didn't, it was onto the next thing to try. As a result of this I have re-discovered past loves (such as tapestry) which I am now reviving and falling in love with all over again. I suppose the purpose of doing this is to perhaps uncover some more direction for my life. Find the things that make me happy, because life really is too short to waste time doing what you don't like.

After school I went to uni and completed a science degree in Biology, but I am not working in that field and I never have. About half way through the degree I knew being a scientist was not right for me, but I decided to finish anyway. When I didn't enter the scientific world everyone was surprised, but I knew I was put on this earth for something else. This year I decided I wanted to work out what to do for the career section of my life, because realistically the whole career thing doesn't actually exist for me, I just work to earn an income. I need something that will work around children in the future, and something that will ignite my passion. A job where I can wake up and look forward to being at work (something I have never experienced) something with a little meaning. So, what was my favourite subject at school? Perhaps that can give me some insight.

As the end of Year 7 was approaching, everyone in our grade was given the task of choosing two electives to study for the next 3 years. I picked Textiles & Design, it was a no brainer. Back in Year 7 I wanted to be a fashion designer, I even got "busted" in religious class for designing dresses in my notebook when I should have been learning something biblical. However, I had no idea what to pick for my second. Languages were out, I hated them and failed terribly in primary school. Commerce was also ruled out, too many numbers, Food Tech - well at that stage I could only boil water, so no again. My options were running out. I discussed it with my parents. My Dad suggested Agriculture.
"What's that?"
"It's farming, you learn all about farms and working in the country. I think you would be really good at it, you like animals and you're smart, I think it would really suit you."
I wasn't convinced, I think mainly because I didn't want to get dirty, and I assumed doing "farm stuff" I would get dirty. However as time was running out and I had no better option I decided to do it. Besides, if I really didn't like it I could just blame Dad ;)

What can I say, I LOVED it! I could devote an entire year's worth of blogs to all the adventures I had in those three years. From that first class I was hooked, I wanted to learn all there was about agriculture, it felt so right, and my teacher was amazing, so inspiring and encouraging. Mrs Allen, the one teacher I actually respected, I always think of her so fondly and sometimes wonder what she is up to now. She was the best teacher I have ever had in my life. But I will save that for another post. But all the adventures; dissecting a chook, feeding the animals in the school holidays, ag camps and bush dancing, raising chicks from eggs! So much fun and so many memories that make me smile.

When it came time to pick our subjects for Years 11 & 12, Agriculture was first on the list. And for Year 12 I picked up the 3 Unit as well. I was so grateful to Dad for making that suggestion to me when I was only in Year 7, and as Year 12 was about to begin I had a plan for my number #1 subject.

To be continued....

Image: Flickr