It's Almost Official

Yes I am back, and back for good this time, no more vanishing into thin air. At least not for about 8 months anyway. Firstly I just want to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog post. It made my day and I certainly have a few emails to send off.

Ok, this is just to give a quick update. We found land. It wasn't even on our list to look at, but after spending a very hot day (where I experienced my first episode of sunstroke) we went to speak to the house lady to cheer us up after walking around dirt for several hours not happy with what we were seeing and she showed us a block of land and it was perfect. Naturally someone else wanted it, and had already had a contact written up, however they hadn't paid the $500 deposit, so I sent The Boy off to the pub (cos they only take cash or cheque, does anyone still have a cheque book anymore?) and he returned with the money and it was ours. So I guess the other couple have learnt in the future to just hand over the cash, the deposit was after all fully refundable.

So now all the paperwork and contracts are getting done up and we are off to the bank on Saturday to sign away our financial life for the next 30 years. Life is very hectic at the moment, but now that there is logic and structure and a process I can handle it. Being an analytical thinker I can operate now, follow the steps, before I was just lost, running around totally clueless to empty blocks of land and calling agents asking random questions. I am so glad that is over with. It is all happening very quickly and I think The Boy and I are still in shock, but that is life, you never know what is around the corner.

I am glad we have it all sorted though. On Monday I received a package from UNE with all my lecture notes on CD for me to print. I had forgotten about the whole uni thing. Under two weeks to go now. All the notes are printed and I am ready, all 400 pages of notes! Which would explain why there is no text book, the notes are the text book.

On the job side of things, I have applied for 3 jobs up on the coast, with another two to send off today. I have heard nothing yet. I have to remind myself it is not Sydney and people are relaxed and take their time. Which is one of the reasons for moving up there in the first place.

On Monday I did receive a call about a job I applied for back in November. It was in Sydney, but in Hornsby, so I could do the Wyong-Tuggerah-Gosford-Woy Woy-Hornsby express. Anyway, the girl they picked back then decided to go travelling, so I interviewed on Tuesday. I am yet to hear back, he told me he will make his decision next week but he hopes I am successful. Not sure what than means but in all honestly I don't actually want the job because I don't want to work for him. The interview started well until he started asking me all the questions you are not allowed to ask. How old am I, am I renting and if so how much am I paying, and then he asked, "WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING CHILDREN?????" I just stared at him in shock for about 10 seconds before giving a fake laugh and responding with "I really haven't thought about it." Which is a total lie of course, but that wasn't a question I had prepared myself for, because you are not supposed to be asked it. Of course in retrospect I can now think of a thousand responses, which I guess I can use the next time it happens!?

On the health side of things I have lost 3.2kg so far, which I am pleased about, especially since the last two weeks it has gone from priority #1 to about #5. As long as I loose each week I am happy. So that is it for me now. I have so much reading to catch up on as well some more web surfing. Mum suggested that we may want to rent up the coast for 6 months to save some money, so my head is buzzing with this possibility and I have spent a good two hours shortlisting rentals. It makes sense but The Penthouse is not just a place to live, it was my grandmothers and I have spent my entire life seeing her there with very fond memories and only in the last 12 months living in it. I am not prepared to pack up and leave it in the next few weeks. Nor am I ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything I have ever known. That was always sometime in the future, not now. But then buying a house was always sometime in the future, and now look where I am. I am learning to love the unpredictability of life.

Image:Flickr

Honesty

I really need to get my act together and post my 2010 goals up here because I am already referring to them. Monday night at the latest!

One such goals is to weigh lighter and maintain that. This is actually a joint goal with The Boy and I. We both have around 30kg to loose, half of which was gained the second we moved in together and we traded dinner dates to eating takeaway on the couch and watching movies all weekend (I am still trying to get some of those stains out). Anyway, as most people at this time of the year do, we started to change our "lifestyle". Considering we have both attempted this and failed many times before we have a plan of attack now and have enlisted some help from outside (more on that another day). But at the moment we are just eating a lot of salad and veggies and walking again.

The other day during our second walk of the year we were slowly walking up The Hill. We live in a very hilly area and had just been cruising along nicely on flats and downhill and at the end of the walk we have about a 1km journey all uphill with a very nasty incline. For motivation he decided to talk about how we are going to be weighing less at the end of the year, being our ideal size and how wonderful that will feel blah blah blah and then he said;

"You are going to look so much sexier when you have lost all that weight."

What? For the past 12 months The Boy and I have played the game of "Do you find me attractive?" "Of course I do." "Even though I am carrying around extra weight?" "Yes baby, you are very sexy." All year we have clearly been lying to each other!

I mean, you want honesty in your relationship. You really do, but you can be honest without telling the truth. I mean I do find him sexy as he is now, of course, but would I find him even more sexier when he is looking all buff? Of course I would! Would I tell him that? NO! I'm not lying, I am telling him he is sexy but I am simply not adding that perhaps a slight shift in weight could add to the sexiness factor. And I assumed he was the same. I know he finds me attractive but I know what I see in the mirror and I know what he is thinking. But why tell me.

I actually stopped walking and looked at him.

"What!?"

"You will look sexier when you loose weight."

"Am I not sexy now?"

"Of course you are, I am just saying you will look sexier. I want to see you in tight jeans with a little tight top that shows just your belly button, just a little bit of skin and when you lift up your arms you see a lot more skin. Oh yeah."

And then, HE LICKED HIS LIPS!

He is standing there fantasizing about a -30kg version of me and clearly enjoying it! I don't know if that is a compliment or an insult.

"So what am I now?" I asked for validation.

"You are sexy, very sexy, I'm just saying that you will be sexier, but you are already sexy, and won't you feel better about yourself? And won't you find me sexier too when I loose all this weight?"

Cleverly throwing it back to me, I respond with "Yes" and we continue walking. No more lies, the truth and the reality is all out in the open now. I think at the end of the day it is a compliment. I mean I would rather that then him writing me off altogether and just buying men's mags. I also think it means we are very comfortable in our relationship if we are being that honest with each other. Which is a great thing I am sure, but perhaps we are a little too comfortable? Or perhaps I was a little too comfortable living in denial. Hmmmm.....

Image: Flickr

Revelation and Re-Evaluation

This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like Cows, yes I am one of "those" people

Way too early yesterday morning I was thinking, as I do, and I suddenly had this big revelation. I was thinking about how I was feeling blah and not getting anywhere and how I am trying to pull myself out of the rut. The Boy and I decided that the first thing to work on was our health and fitness and to loose some weight blah blah blah, usual story. So for almost a month now we have been doing that, and it has been an awful process as we feel we have been banging out heads against the wall as we make progress so slowly, meanwhile everything else just seems to get worse and to be honest it doesn't really feel like we are climbing out of our rut at all.

During this time I have been thinking about the other areas that need work on and how I would address them once we had this health and fitness thing sorted. That's great, however it appears that my heart/gut/instinct, whatever you call it, was pulling me elsewhere. The amazing thing is that The Boy was going through the same thing, he was being pulled elsewhere and we were both being pulled to the same thing, primarily our finances, which I guess shows how in sync we are (which was also proved last night when I was sleeping alone cos he was away and I kept waking up looking for him, is that sweet or tragic?).

So my big revelation was to focus on what I am being pulled to, let the weight issue go for now and focus on what else needs to be done. In an instant I just felt this huge wave of relief. I felt comfortable and calm and I felt that I was now on the right path. The decision was made and it just felt right. I decided that I was going to go with my gut and focus on two other areas of my life. Well, what can I say, yesterday my mind wouldn't stop, I came up with about a hundred solutions, I was busy writing everything down, it was just idea after idea after idea. Last night I spoke to The Boy on the phone about all these great ideas and he agreed on most of them and I honesty feel that now we can cross one issue off the list. That area of our life just seems to be fixed overnight. Sure we have to actively make sure we stick to the plan, but it won't take much, in fact it is now easier than what we were doing, which was really just going around in circles.

I feel so much happier now, and I feel like I am finally making progress and sorting stuff out. Going to give it at least 6 weeks to carry out what we need to do, while also sorting out everything organisational. All the boxes will be unpacked and all paperwork will be re-sorted and everything done, all in one place, and all easy to find. This includes cleaning out the garage and continuing to get rid of a huge amount of crap.

Of course, having said all of this, I am not about to park myself out the front of McDonald's everyday, nor am I going to shop only from the Confectionery aisle. I will still continue to cook healthy meals and eat well and exercise. I am just not going to be so anal about it. If I find myself tired one night and really not bothered and discovering I am in the car about to order via drive through, that is ok, I am not going to stress or beat myself up over it. And of course Friday night take away, movies and chocolate will continue, oh yeah looking forward to that! If I can maintain till the end of the year I will be very very happy.

Reaching your goal weight, especially when you have about 25-30kg to loose is a full time deal. It requires a lot of planning, energy and discipline, and time. 12 weeks wouldn't cut it for me, I would need a least 52 weeks, and right now I cannot give it the attention it deserves and that is ok. When the time is right I will give it 100% and it will come off. That could be a month away it could be a year away. I don't know, but I trust it will happen when it should.

I have learnt to listen to myself, that in the end, I really do know what is best for me. I am confident also that if I make the wrong decision that my heart/gut/instinct, will lead me back to where I need to go and onto the right path, and confident also that everything else will happen when it should. There is a lot of peace from this lesson, I feel content and calm, something I have not felt for a while now. Just take a moment and listen, what is it that you really want right now?

Image: Flickr

How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr

Look At What We Did

The Boy and I had no fun on the weekend. Well, maybe only 10%, we did go out to breakfast on Sunday (bacon, eggs, hash brown, toast with butter....oh yeah) and we did veg on the couch on Saturday night with a few DVD's, pizza and chocolate. But otherwise we were very very busy. We finally finished all the spring cleaning. All of it, we cleaned out cupboards and finally moved a lot of stuff to the storeroom, some stuff that had not moved since we moved in, all went downstairs. We also threw out a lot of crap, lots of boxes and rubbish and stuff we didn't need. We filled up three massive bags of clothes to give away, and we filled up all the recycling bins downstairs and one of the rubbish ones too.

So it is all done now. The house is clean, the two spare rooms that were just being used to store things are now clear and can finally be used. I even cleaned out my desk. My tray was overflowing and my desk was full of various paperwork and meaningless clutter that I could no longer see my desk, and now there is nothing. Which means I have no excuse for not doing my writing in a few weeks time.

And we now have a home gym. Moving that gear up 4 flights of stairs was quite a work out, but at least we'll never have to do it again. The Boy was very happy with this arrangement and already we have used the equipment which is great.

I am feeling a lot better this week, after such a productive weekend we are finally moving forward again. We have completely changed our eating patterns around and also what we eat. Three days in and we have been sticking to the plan perfectly. We have both cut out a lot of sugar (we were having way to much anyway) so feeling a little crabby about that, but by the end of the week I am sure I will feel much better for it. Have been doing a lot of positive reading lately as well, so more changes to come, but all in good time. I am really hoping I will hear some good news soon, I have done all I can and the rest is out of my hands, but hopefully it will all work in my favour. If not, then I will just have to find another way to reach that dream.

People always say "Today is a new day" and I just rolled my eyes, thinking "obviously". But in the last week I have thought a lot about that, and it really is. I am not focusing on anything long term at the moment. I know what I want long term, but sitting around waiting for the 5 years to pass is not going to achieve anything, all I can do is what I have to do each day to make that happen. Everytime I have attempted to change my body, I always thought about how long it was going to take and how I had to suffer week after week. This time however, I just focus on today. What I am going to do about it today and if I can eat well and exercise today then I am one step closer, and then when I wake up I just repeat that and it doesn't seem so difficult anymore. It's not just with the health side of things either, it is everything. There has definitely been an attitude shift with The Boy and I and I'm looking forward to seeing what that produces.

It's Been Confirmed

I went to see the Dr on Tuesday night for my monthly check up (I see her monthly due to the anxiety) and as soon as I walked in she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, I was just tired. We started talking about how things were going blah blah blah and then I told her I thought my life was in a rut. She agreed and confirmed that yes, my life is currently in a rut. All the signs were there, dirty dishes piling up in the sink, the fact that the spring cleaning still remains only half done, and of course because I am now watching freakin Neighbours, which I haven't watched in 10 years because there is nothing else on TV! How did this happen? I used to watch TV about 3 hours a week, and now it is more like 3 hours a day!

I know how it happened. I got off the medication. As soon as that happened everything changed. I "took it easy" so I didn't create any situations that may make me anxious, I had to learn to cope on my own. The amazing thing is I have coped brilliantly, since I got off the (alleged) anti-anxiety medication I have been less anxious. In fact I would say that I am anxious about 5% of the time now. That is nothing, at it's worst it was about 90%. So what am I doing? I used the "I just came off my meds and therefore need to take it easy" excuse for everything! Nothing has been done, no writing, no exercise, no spring cleaning, no sorting out all the boxes at mum's house, nothing!

Well it has been nearly three months now and I am no longer going to use that excuse, as far as I am concerned it is not valid. I do not want to be spending my time at work and then on the couch too freakin lazy to do anything. That is not me at all! No wonder I am frustrated, confused and unhappy. My true self is being active and living life and enjoying it and doing what I need to do to achieve my dreams. For the last three months nothing has happened and I have nothing to show for it except for a slightly bigger arse from sitting down all the freakin' time!

Ok, rant is over. So needless to say I had a very productive session with the Dr. I came home and The Boy and I did some serious talking. He agreed that we are in this rut together and as such we are going to get out together. We began to write down how we wanted our lives to look and the steps to make it happen.

The first area we are going to work on (because you cannot transform every aspect overnight) is health and fitness. We both need to loose weight, at least 20kg each, and it would be nice to walk up the 4 flights of stairs from the car to our door without feeling out of breath (oh the shame). So we have scoured the internet to find ourselves a do-it-yourself weights and cardio program and are researching on what to eat. I always thought I knew what to eat, but clearly it ain't working and I'm not doing another program which is always a waste of money because all they tell you to do is eat carbs all day long which I manage to do on my own anyway and the weight still increases!

The Boy has even agreed to put the man cave on hold. He has some home gym equipment in the garage (which you cannot access when the cars are in) and he wants to use the man cave space to turn into our own little gym. He is serious. So this weekend we are moving it all up the 4 flights of stairs (so much fun - what to join us?) and creating our own little gym as well as planning every single meal for the week (and I think buying some protein powder - as in the muscle building stuff not the meal replacement stuff, must be a guy thing).

So this is part one of our plan. I suppose the purpose of this post was to get it all out of my head and onto the screen and to re-affirm what we are doing and to have a constant reminder as well. I'm feeling good, very happy and only having positive thoughts. This has been a long time coming and I am feeling so energized knowing that I am finally getting back on track. It is time to work towards those dreams again, and this time I am going to reach them.

Image: Flickr

There Is Only One Cure

PMS has arrived and it has brought with it; nasty cramps, snapping at The Boy, bloating and the inability to smile. Healthy Lifestyle is on hold until Monday. There is only one cure for this. Sweet, dark, chocolate. Oh yeah.... And maybe a kg of olives.... and original flavoured chips.... and sparkling grape juice and of course triple chocolate chip cookies.

Yay It's Friday!

I am so glad it is Friday! I am feeling really good today and looking forward to a great weekend. I have lost all negativity that I had earlier. I don't know how (or why) but I have had a lot of clarity in the last couple of days. I wasn't even looking for it, but I will reveal all next week once I have done a few things towards it.

The Boy is disappearing tonight and tomorrow, and I am normally really sad about this, but to be honest I am looking forward to it. We had our nice romantic weekend last weekend and have been inseparable ever since, and, frankly, I've had enough, I need some "Lissy time" and I'm going to finally get it. His mum is sick and in hospital, so he is going to see her after work. His work is halfway to their place so there is no point coming back to get me. He'll stay the night and return on Saturday (night time, hopefully). If she is really bad I'll be catching the train up to Newcastle, otherwise.....

I will be having lots and lots of me time! Firstly up I will be hanging out with mum tonight (and my brother if he feels like socialising) before having an early night in bed all by myself (ie I can actually move and won't wake up at 2am finding myself on the edge of the bed and tapping someone on the shoulder saying "Little room please baby"). Then I plan to get up nice and early and go for a lovely morning walk taking in the sunshine and listening to what I want on my ipod before dressing myself up to go down and queue at the RTA (must remember to take a book with me).

After that I will pop down to the best and cheapest florist North of The Bridge and buy some flowers for my grandmother. She has invited me over for afternoon tea. I have not seen her since my birthday (in May), so I am looking forward to that. We have an interesting relationship. She has told me she will be baking something, which is what she does best, even in her 80's. However, before the fun, I want to get some spring cleaning done. Next up is the Kitchen and if I can win the never ending battle with procrastination I want to do the spare room and deal with the 1m pile of paperwork smothering my desk.

Then finally once I return home I plan to do my hair and give myself a facial and plonk myself on the pink couch with some chocolate watching girly movies until The Boy comes home. Pure Bliss!

Image: Flickr

Where Is My Dress?

Last weekend when mum and I were out at the shops on Operation Secret Project, we found ourselves in the women's fashion section at David Jones. Mum has a wedding coming up and wanted to buy a new dress for the occasion. As she tried the dress on, I wandered around and found a beautiful pink dress over at the plus section. As soon as I saw it I knew I needed a new dress for this weekend so I could surprise The Boy by looking absolutely stunning for dinner on Saturday night. I went to try the dress on and it looked great, but it was way too big for me. That is the wonderful thing about my body at the moment. I am about 5-10kg too big to wear "normal" clothes, and 5-10kg too small to get into the plus size clothing. Hence why I have avoided shopping for clothes for so long.

While I didn't get the dress I did pick up the catalogue and tried to get the smaller size online, however they had sold out. The brand was Sara and it was then I realised it belong to Ezibuy. I know this brand because mum used to order a lot from it when I was a teenager. So to me, it has always been a place for older women to buy clothes. However, I did have some time on my hands and did a little searching and found about ten dresses I could see myself in. I decided I would buy one, I thought that a lovely new dress to mark this occasion was in order, and once that decision was made I just had to find the right dress.

After about half an hour I had eliminated my choices down to the one above. I felt it was the best dress to flatter my current shape and I really liked the colours in it. And, let's be honest here, I really felt my best assets would look amazing in them, and I have to give The Boy something to drool over right? I looked up the measurements and felt good about it, so I placed the order.

I had a choice, I could choose to pay the $9.90 for standard delivery, or $14.90 for priority. Standard was to be 5 working days. I was ordering the dress on Monday and given I am still trying to get ahead with my money, I naturally picked the standard delivery. Well, I have learnt something, the priority would have been worth the extra $5.00 because now I am dress-less! My dress has not arrived, I clearly will not receive it till next week, which is really a little late. So now I am being punished for being "careful" with my money. Or perhaps because I should have been more careful and not ordered the dress in the first place because at the end of the day, I still don't have it, and will have to wear something from my current wardrobe anyway!

All I can say is that the dress better look amazing on me, otherwise I will return it and would have paid $20 for the experience of trying on a dress. So far not liking buying clothes online (yes this was my first online clothing experience, and I can see now why I never did it before - too much effort and too much trouble!). So I am back to square one, which is, what do I wear for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night? Do I go for the black skirt and top combo? Or do I take a trip down memory lane with the dark jeans and a black top with my cherry half sleeve cardi which is what I wore for our first date? Decisions, decisions.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, make sure you tell someone you love them, I know I will be. Don't forget to enter my give Giveaway.

Image: Ezibuy

Spring Is In The Air

Spring is almost here, I can literally feel it. I walk outside and the air is not only warmer, but it feels lighter too, it doesn't feel as harsh as the winter air. Autumn is my favourite season, but I must admit, come the end of August I am over the cold and looking forward to Spring. I am hoping it stays this way and that next week I can stop wearing stockings. Especially because when I buy the expensive ones (almost $10 each) they last a week and when I buy the cheap ones, they do last longer but my legs are either orange or pink, and with my very colourless porcelain complexion, neither is a good look for me.

Of course the new season means a lot of things. Firstly it represents spring cleaning. This past week (maybe even two weeks) I have been looking all around The Penthouse thinking about how everything has to be cleaned. All the drawers, cupboards, and going through everything and actually throwing out the stuff that is taking up space. In the past this has been fine, because it has been localised to a room and a bathroom cabinet, (I never bothered spring cleaning when I was living with room mates because they never wanted to). But now I have a whole Penthouse. This is going to take weeks!

It is also a reminder that shortly the legs and arms will be on display and the rest of the body will only have one layer of material covering it. This is usually when I go and join another weight loss program and hit the gym hard and try and improve my diet and all that crap. It never works because I obsess about my weight and food and exercise (and beat myself up for not going 6 times a week) and it is all I can think about that eventually I just snap and throw it all away and choose to live again.

This Spring, however, will be different. There will be no diet, and the only exercise will be going for walks with The Boy (and as that improves adding some running intervals into it). I am actually going to continue living my life the way it is and instead spend a few weeks obsessing about cleaning and leaving it at that. Since getting off the meds, my appetite has at least halved, and now that I am in the right head space, I am naturally eating better anyway. The Boy and I allow ourselves one night a week for any crap food we may want and the rest of the time we just eat well to nourish our bodies (which includes a piece of homemade cake for morning tea). I am finding now that I am loving and respecting myself again (without the constant need to eat via medication), eating better is so much easier and doesn't require much thinking at all (and eating chocolate during PMS is normal eating).

I have been doing a lot of reading this year about food as well, and all the artificial crap that goes into it, and The Boy and I have been making changes accordingly, and tomorrow we are taking another step towards that and towards a slightly more sustainable life. I'll blog about it next time, have a great weekend.

Image: Flickr

Something To Wear

I have a lot of clothes in my wardrobe, unfortunately however I can only fit into about 3-5% of them. I have not bought myself new clothes for about 6 months now. Because, you know, what is the point, I'm going to loose weight so it would just be a waste of money. It has meant that on the weekends I have a choice of two outfits. I can wear the very baggy boyfriend style jeans with the grey long sleeve top and the black tee over it, or I can wear my black skirt with a dark coloured long sleeve tee. Neither of these two outfits makes me feel good about myself, I think I either look too daggy and sloppy or too conservative and old.

Since getting off the meds three weeks ago my appetite has gone down dramatically and as a result I have lost 1.3kg. This is a great result, especially considering my focus has been on health, not weight loss. However, I am not going to wake up one morning and magically have the 25kg I gained from the meds disappear overnight. It is going to take time, maybe a year, maybe two years. So on Saturday I told The Boy that I was not going to spend Spring and Summer in the same pair of jeans or the same skirt. I am sick and tired of looking like a dag, I want to look nice everyday and feel good about what I wear. I told him I was actually going to spend some money on clothes. Not a lot, just get a few nice, cheaper clothes to last me the season.

FMIL came down on Sunday to spend the day with us and we went out to breakfast at my favourite place which just happens to be outside our local Westfield. We decided to look around and The Boy wanted to get some jeans and with two for $99 I decided to get a nice pair too. FMIL was fussing around the shop and pulled out a top for me. I had seen it and already ruled it out, but I smiled politely and went to try it on. Surprise surprise it looked amazing, so I bought it.

We continued to walk around and we found ourselves inside a women's clothing shop known for being "affordable" and with generous clothing sizes. I picked out about four tops and thought I would try them on and just buy one or two. FMIL also decided to pick out tops for me. Tops I wouldn't even look at because they are not my "style" (not that I have a style, it is something I need to develop but I would say at that point my style was covering up). However I politely went to try them on. I had over ten tops in the change room and The Boy and FMIL standing just outside waiting for me to come out and model the clothes. That I never do. I like to stay in the change room and decide for myself, I have never had the balls to step outside, at risk of random strangers seeing me and showing other people. On Sunday I didn't have a choice. To my surprise all of the tops FMIL picked out looked amazing on, they looked slimming and fitted me perfectly, they suited me and my age. This woman definitely knows about fashion. I was very impressed, I have so much to learn.

I ended up in total with a great pair of dark flare jeans that can be dressed up or dressed down, that fit my current body shape perfectly, and nine tops. I now have a variety of clothes I can wear now and I couldn't be happier. It has only been a few days but it has changed me. I suddenly care more, I'm paying more attention to my make up instead of the usual look I go for, I'm styling my hair differently, I am walking with my head up and I am not adjusting my clothes while I wear them. I am worried now that she may have unleashed something within me. Something that is telling me to find my style, to experiment and not to be afraid and to be myself. I love FMIL and I told her next time I need clothes I am going with her. The woman I was afraid to say anything to in case I said the wrong thing is now turning out to be my shopping buddy and personal stylist. Who would have thought.

Hello Again

I am back, I didn't plan on having a break as such it just happened that way. Last week I was coming off medication and starting a new one and as such my health was my only focus and I removed myself from everything else but now I am ready to get back to reality again and catch up on all my blog reading for the last 2 weeks.

So last week began with 4 days of no meds at all, and I did amazingly well, I was given some other medication to take if I needed it to "take the edge off" but I didn't take any of it. I wanted to just do this the best I could. During those 4 days I felt brilliant, I felt clear headed, calm, happy and I felt like I was myself again, a feeling I haven't had for about 4 years, but I didn't even know I was missing it until I was off the meds. I thought that perhaps I didn't even need the new meds, however I decided to follow the Dr's orders, and on Thursday take the half does of the new stuff.

Within an hour of taking it the side effects began and I had a very nasty reaction to it. I experienced every side effect there was, nausea, hot and cold sweats, awake and sleepy, happy and sad, twitching, heart beat racing, heart beat slowing, confused, feeling like I was burning up. Everything. I went to the Dr the next day who informed me that I was ok, but I was bordering on the danger zone (what the?). So no more new meds for me.

The pic above is of my bedside table, and look, there is no medication on it (aside from the asthma preventor), yes I am now officially med free!! YAY!!!! Dream achieved! It is surprising, but once I came off them I was just better, even The Boy was amazed at how great I was doing, and he took time off to look after me and everything. I feel alive, I feel awake, I feel happy and I feel calm and I feel like I have so much to look forward to now. I always wanted to get off them, I just didn't think it would be now. I suppose that is the thing about dreams and life, often your timeline is way off from the way things are supposed to be. I have definitely learnt from now on to just trust the process and that everything will happen when it should. It has only been in the last month or so that I have mentally and emotionally been ready to make this change and I couldn't be happier.

Of course life is not a bed of roses. It will take about 4 weeks for the side effects of withdrawal to disappear. I am experiencing nausea, fatigue, mild insomnia & flu-like symptoms, which is all pretty standard for coming off meds and the Dr has told me I will start to feel better in about a month's time. I can live with that. My Dr is surprised and happy and my Shrink is happy too, she told me she thought last time I was ready for it. Both of them said they were proud of me, and I need to look at myself and be proud to and actually acknowledge all of the hard work I have put in the last few years to reach this point in my life. This was no accident, I did everything right and it paid off.

I feel this is the start of a new phase in my life, I feel now that I can continue on my journey and live life to the fullest. After a month or so when I am feeling better I can put my energy into my other dreams and keep on riding this wave. To celebrate this occasion I went to the hairdresser on the weekend and went from blonde to brunette. A physical transformation to complete the internal one. Life is beautiful.

Plan B

It would have been naive of me to turn up at my Shrink's, expecting her to give me an answer as to what we should do. We discussed the pros and cons of both, and she told me to go with my instinct. I told her that at the end of the day I wanted to do what was best for my health and that I wanted to still get off the meds. She told me if my health was my number one priority then I have to change my meds.

This is nothing new. My Dr has been trying to get me to change for 18 months now, and so has my Shrink but I have always refused. I didn't want to change because to me the answer was getting off them and I saw changing as pointless in achieving my goal. I have been on the meds for over 2.5 years now (3 years in Dec) and I was told (warned) that the most common side effect was weight gain due to increased appetite, and that it is common for patients to gain up to 30kg in two years and it was virtually impossible to loose weight on this medication. In my stubbornness I didn't listen and was adamant it wouldn't effect me and if I did gain a few kg I would just lose it again. Well it turns out the medical professionals were right, because I have successfully gained 25 kg the entire time I have been taking them. Congrats to me.

It wasn't for lack of trying, I do eat well, I just eat a lot of it. It doesn't matter what program I do, they all want me to eat 1500 cals a day, and these meds are like a compulsion where I have to eat at least 2000 - 2500 cals a day. I am just always hungry all of the time. The Dr and Shrink both told me all of their patients on these particular meds have gained weight and that 20 - 30kg is COMMON!! Why did I not listen?

The new meds are very similar, they work on the same pathways (it works on noradrenaline to minimise/reduce/delay the effects of anxiety, such as panic attacks etc). However the new meds have a side effect of weight loss!! Why they never put me on this in the first place I will never know (well I was in hospital so it was all done without my GP to begin with that could be why).

So next week should be interesting. Ideally I won't notice anything in "the changeover" but then I might experience some nasty stuff for a few weeks. I suppose time will tell. As for the weight I am going to be realistic. I am not going to rely on these meds to magically remove the extra 25kg. All I am hoping for is that they will reduce my appetite so I not longer feel the need to eat ALL the time, and then I can just naturally eat 1500 - 1800 cals a day anyway and see the weight very slowly fall off.

As for a timeframe we are thinking 12 months. I am trying to focus on the positives which is that we have an end point. Over a year ago there was no end point it was looking to be a lifelong thing. So I am happy. It wasn't part of my plan, but neither was potentially leaving Sydney and going back to uni next year either. I am just hoping they work just as well and that I can keep focusing on my health and doing what I need to do so that in 12 months I can be med free. That is the goal.

Image: Flickr

Breaking Free

I used to work in retail in the confectionery department and on the back wall was a quote. "Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth always lies." I have found this to be true. I don't lie though, I love chocolate. But it has gone from being a treat to becoming an everyday staple in my diet. In the last few days I have been eating a lot more than I usually do because "I have PMS and therefore I can eat as much chocolate as I want and you had better not say otherwise". As I sat last night after dinner looking at an open packet of 70% organic dark chocolate with already two rows gone and no doubt more to be eaten I realised I have a problem.

So as of today I am taking a week off. Sure I probably need to take more time away from it, at least a month, but if that was the goal it would be too hard and I would be inhaling it within an hour of making that goal. I have done a week before. I can do it again. Although last time I wasn't a hormonal woman snapping at The Boy and grinding my teeth at work while trying not to stand up tell them what I really think and walking out the door. But I figure if I can do it while I am all these things then I can definitely break this addiction.

The Boy said he would join me. I told him chocolate included milo. He agreed. This morning as I hugged him while he was putting his shoes on I said to him.

"What am I going to do? I always have hot chocolate with my cereal, what do I do now?" (Having it first thing in the morning as soon as I wake up - if that is not an addiction I don't know what is)
The Boy said nothing. In fact he looked away from me.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Did you have hot chocolate this morning?"
"Maybe."
"But last night we agreed, and I said no milo."
"It wasn't milo, it was drinking chocolate."

Men. What else can I say. Apparently he is now going without. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. So this morning in my glass of hot milk I put in instant coffee. Really not the same. I might have to have a smoothie or something tomorrow. And what about tonight? What do I do after dinner when I am craving something sweet and experiencing some serious cramping? Munch on an apple? And on the weekend with FMIL coming down, what do I do? Bake a carrot cake?

OK I am not in denial anymore, I can see it is a problem. One that is now being stopped. I am going to go now, and google "chocolate replacement" and maybe eat a banana and think about fruit and vegetables and remind myself how great being a woman is. I wonder if sarcasm is a withdrawal symptom?

Image: Flickr

Time To Say Goodbye

After some thought the last few days about how I can become more focused on my dreams and a few words that were said to me by a couple of people I have decided that after 5 years I am going to cancel my gym membership and say farewell to my trainer.

This is a big step for me as the gym and more importantly my trainer have played a big part in my life for the last 5 years, helping me to get through some tough times. But thankfully those times are over and I am in a new phase of my life and both the gym and my trainer are no longer the same.

I will start with the gym. It is a women's only gym and isn't one that has 30 minutes workouts. It was great when I first started. The people at the front desk cared, they made such an effort with everyone, all the staff were smiling, it was great. Then about two years ago it changed. It was taken over by someone else and suddenly all the great staff were leaving. They didn't like the way things were being done behind the scenes and they left. The new management thought in order to make the members happy they would jazz up the equipment. The result was that every piece of cardio equipment now had it's own TV screen for you to choose what you wanted to watch (but only from free to air which I felt was pretty pointless). Then the members started changing. An influx of women came in, but they were different. They were ruder, pushier and a lot more self centred. The lovely supportive, friendly environment that I had grown to love had gone and was replaced by total isolation, where even the girl at the front desk didn't bother stopping her conversation with the other staff member to give you your locker key.

I stopped going to the gym. Instead I turned my attention to working out outdoors, and guess what, I loved it!! I loved my Saturday morning walk/jog internal training. It was lovely, fresh air, beautiful homes and gardens to look at. I have never been able to step on a treadmill since. So I went to the gym maybe once a week to do some cardio and weights. But I stopped the cardio. I was too in love with my own cardio, running and tennis. So I was only going for the weights. The weights I did by myself. Free weights, not on the machines, in the tiny little corner where the free weights were. But then I got pushed out by several personal trainers who decided that as I wasn't paying $40 for a half hour session, they had every right to "politely" get in my space. Slowly edging me further and further away from the benches until a few weeks ago I gave in and just didn't bother anymore. I haven't been to the gym for almost a month now. It is not going to change, it has to compete with Fitness First now in the same complex, it is all about the bottom line and pushing people to do PT with them. I have proved to myself I don't need it so why bother?

Then there is my trainer. I have had a great relationship with her. She left the gym once the new management began as they told her things had to be done their way, she disagreed and left. I followed and we trained at a private studio. It was great. I was toning up and getting strong. But recently I have struggled. I have struggled to get their early in the mornings, and I have struggled to put the effort in. For the last few months she has changed the program so there is no direction in it and I do not feel I am getting anywhere. This week was the final straw.

She has been weighing me once a month and keeping me "in check" to help me loose a few kg.s I told her that I wanted to stop weighing myself as it was doing my head in and I was sick of it. I have bigger priorities and want to stop obsessing over everything thing I eat. She told me that if I wasn't prepared to give up anything I wouldn't get the body I wanted. Fair enough. She then told me that most people set a new years goal to loose weight, and they set it year after year after year, and that is because they don't want it enough. It is not a case of I don't want it. I do, but I want other things more. She then asked if maybe I didn't want to loose weight and that maybe I was only trying to because someone else was putting the pressure on me to loose weight. That someone, she suggested, was The Boy. She asked me if he wanted me to be thinner and was I doing this for him?

I was shocked that she asked that question. She has known me for 5 years and has seen me hit rock bottom and then climb out and get back on top again and beyond and she had the balls to say that to me. Did she really think if that was the case that I would be living with such an arsehole? Of course not! I was very disappointed. Maybe that is true for some of her clients, but not me, and I thought she would know that as she has met The Boy and is always telling me how great he is. Anyone who knows The Boy knows he is incapable of being an arsehole and tells me many times a day how beautiful I am. I walked out of there on Tuesday feeling defeated, as at the end she assured me it wasn't failure if I was backing out of a decision I couldn't put the effort into. It was just changing direction.

So I have decided to end the relationship with her. I'm not going to pay someone to make me feel bad about myself. If I wanted that I am sure I could get it for free if I spoke to a few old "frenemies".

It also means I will be about $250 richer a month, which means I am going to be debt free a lot sooner than I thought. That is a bigger goal for me. Besides, after her comments I am feeling very motivated to loose weight, and to do it without her assistance and on my own. Just to prove her wrong of course. Who said negative motivation doesn't work?

Image: Flickr

Sensational Salsa

Hooray!! The Boy and I finally found enough courage to go and do a dance lesson!

My infatuation with dance began when I watched Strictly Ballroom at the tender age of 10. After seeing that movie I wanted to dance (and I will confess it was the start of my first celeb crush - oh how embarrassing!!). However it just never seemed to happen, then at uni I discovered Ceroc and I really got into it, but after 9 months life, study, work all got in the way. Around 18 months ago I started thinking I should get into it again, and I thought I would give hip hop a try. All I can say is that I gave it a try, I made hip hop look wrong.

Then of course, The Boy came along. He was keen to do dance lessons, however it has taken 8 months for us to finally get out the door, turn up and do it. We didn't even book the course until 8pm on Sunday night, and even then we booked the trial class to ensure we actually wanted to do it before we went to commit to the following 9 weeks.

I'll be honest, one of the reason I had put it off was because it was one of those things that I would do "when I loose 5kgs". But my life has no room for that kind of unhelpful mentality anymore. The Boy was hesitant because we would be rotating partners, and I think he imagined there would be some Latino guy getting a little too close to me. In the car we were both nervous. I always get nervous when I am off to try new things. Usually in the days leading up to it I am really excited about it, but in the car trip I get really nervous. The Boy said he was nervous because he really can't dance and didn't want "to look like an idiot".

As it turns out, we had nothing to worry about. There was about 45 people in the class. About 40 of us were there with partners, ie. the only men there were there because a) their girlfriend/wife dragged them along or b) they had the same fear as The Boy and didn't want their woman getting hit on by another man without them there to protect her. There were only a few "singles" and they were all women. Surprisingly it was me who was keeping an eye out on my boy making sure no one was trying to brush their hand over his behind!

As the lesson went on, the men all rotated, and I was dancing with a bunch of men, who just like me, had no idea what they were doing, but I think the men were all very aware that they were here with their woman because they all stood as far away from me as possible and held only my fingertips. I checked to make sure I didn't smell and I didn't, I looked around and all the men were doing this weird behaviour with all the ladies. It was quite comical.

Finally I was back to my man and it felt lovely. After the lesson we got home and spent just ten minutes practising what we had learnt. It was nice to practise dancing with him and being able to just be close to him. As it turns out he had nothing to worry about, he is a very sexy dancer and I am reminded again that I am a very lucky girl. I asked if he wanted me to book in for the rest of the term.
"Did you enjoy it?" he asked.
"I loved it, I had so much fun, did you?"
"Yeah it was heaps good! But of course I would rather just dance with you"
"So I'll book us in?"
"Yeah, but only so that we can show off at the wedding"
Whatever you say baby.

Image: Flickr

Is It The 1st Of May Already??

One third of the year has already flown by! I remember in January thinking about what I wanted to achieve this year and how I was going to do that and now I am already 4 months into the year and where do I stand? I'll admit I have been a little "relaxed" about what I wanted to do, because I thought, "I have all year, I can do it slowly". However I think I may have taken things a little too slowly as I am now feeling the pressure. It is good pressure though, not enough to cause stress, but just enough to make me stop and think "Ok, lets reassess what do we want this year? It is time to get serious."

I have been thinking about this for the last few days, however I have some big things happening next year, so I am going to encompass my current dreams into a 18 month period. I definitely want to have my manuscript up to publishing standard, and ideally with an agent. I want this in the next 8 months, it has been sitting around waiting to be edited for too long, I just want to get it over with. I have been going well with it lately, but I need to step it up. I need to make more time in the week to do it. I need to have the first draft finished by the end of June because my list of all the events that need to get put into the manuscript is only getting bigger and with my plans next year, I have to do it now, because I will not have time in 2010.

I also need to get serious about my health. Doctor's orders - loose 10 - 20kg for my health. I have been exercising a lot more lately, and have successfully managed to keep take away to a once a week occasion, which is great, but it is time to start tracking again with everything that goes into my mouth. My personal trainer has offered her assistance and is going to weigh me once a month with her fancy body fat scales. 2kg a month is the goal and that will give me a 16kg loss at the end of the year, and I would be more than happy with that.

The Boy and I are going to be purchasing a house and it is time that we both increased the amount we put into our deposit account and for me to also increase the amount I am putting onto my loan. We both want to enter the mortgage debt free. It is time for me to begin tracking every single cent that I am spending so I can find the leaks and be able to have more money to put away. I can very comfortably be debt free within 12 months and still have my hair done and buy shoes.

Even though these are the big things, there a lot of little things as well. Things that I keep talking about doing, but just leave out the "doing" part. Like learning to dance, and making new friends, and finally dealing with all the mounting paperwork. It is time to sort out The Penthouse, and actually give everything a home, and just finish off those last few jobs that always get left when you move house. The ones that fall into the "I'll do it next weekend" pile. It is time to do them, and time to make our little haven more personal, actually print those pictures of us and family, buy the frames and put them on the wall.

It is time to stop planning how I want my life to be and actually start living the life that I want. No more putting off things, now is the time to make time for the little steps that will add up to my dreams and just do them. My favourite quote, and I am not sure who said it, but it is: Your short term actions multiplied by time equal your long term accomplishments. I love that quote and I try to remember that when I am struggling to edit, or craving chocolate or standing in front of another black top that I really don't need.

I will do all this, but I will also remember to live in the moment, and to enjoy the process and enjoy each day and be grateful for it. And if something comes along that wasn't planned for I am going to just jump in and enjoy the ride.

Image: Flickr

Aren't I Too Young To Be Getting Old?

I have been suffering from back pain for a while now. However in the last 6 months it has become worse. I personally thought it was because I was no longer getting my massages. Before The Boy my Saturday mornings were spent getting pampered. Every second Saturday was a 45 minute remedial massage, and the Saturdays in between that were hair and facials and nails.... The Boy came along and I wanted to spend my Saturdays with him, then when I wanted some "me time" back, I realised that I would have to set up my own beauty salon in our bathroom if we are to buy a house next year. Naturally I made the assumption that The Boy = no massages = sore back. I decided it was the only conclusion there was.

That was until I went and saw the Dr last week who informed me of a new equation: The Boy = 10kg more weight = sore back. I have my bloods taken every 6 months due to the meds I am on, and they have shown that I have inflammation in my blood and it is getting higher. She assured me it wasn't cancer as she tested for cancer proteins (which I was totally unaware of) and from everything I had told her and other tests etc that I most likely have some form of arthritis in my back and I need to go see a rheumatoid specialist.

Arthritis? That is what my grandparents have! Even my parents don't have that yet! I am 26! Yes I am 27 in less than 4 weeks but I am under 50!! What is going on???? What's next? I need glasses for failing vision? Hormones for early menopause? Having my roots lighter than my blonde hair?? I am not even ready to get pregnant for a couple of years and already I have arthritis, well allegedly.

The Dr then told me that if I lost some weight it would probably all just go away. The fact that I am an apple shape and all my weight gain has been on my belly, is not doing me any favours. Here I was ready to embrace my shape and get on with life and the one person I listen to when it comes to my health tells me to loose weight, in the nicest possible way of course. What choice do I have? I want a healthy body.

She has recommended Lite n Easy as it is the only program she has seen her patients have real success on. It is the only program that has worked for me as I did it once for 12 weeks and lost 8kg. So I am going back on it this week and will give it a 12 week period and review it from there. I go back to the Dr in a month, and she says she only wants me to loose 1kg a month. That I can do with my eyes shut. It also takes all the pressure of fast weight loss off me, that pressure just makes me eat. If I loose 10kg by the end of the year, I will be very happy, and a lot more healthy as well.

There is one thing my Dr said that has stuck with me. She told me that I have done much harder things. She said that with the two things I have battled through, both times I made a decision, and once I made that decision that was it. There was no going back, no excuses, nothing except success. If I could make the decision to just loose the weight, become more healthy and decide to only treat my body with nourishing food that I could achieve a healthy body with the same drive and determination that I have within me. Today I made that decision and although there may be times when that decision becoming a little shaky, I know this time, that those shaky periods will only be brief fleeting moments in time, and they will no longer turn into the start of a snowballing effect of unhelpfulnes that pushes me back down to the bottom. The decision has been made, and all I can see now is victory, that is the only option I have, and I choose to take it.

Image: Flickr

Tennis Superstars

For the last 8 weeks, on a Friday night, The Boy and I have been doing group tennis lessons. I played tennis and had lessons for about ten years when I was a kid. Mum has played every Friday morning with the same group of girls for almost 30 years and, naturally, she had me starting early, with lessons when I was about 7. I loved it. However, towards the end of school it was all about the study (well it was for me anyway being a total nerd and all) and slowly everything started to drop, the tennis, the basketball, the netball...... I just never came back to it.

At the beginning of the year, I spoke with The Boy about doing something this year. No more talking about going dancing, and learning new skills, but actually doing them. I printed off the local community college course guide and at the back were tennis lessons. It got me thinking. I mentioned it to The Boy, he had never played tennis before, he told me that he had always wanted to, and tried to at school but for whatever reason it never happened. So now was our chance. I called up and the only night left was Friday. The Boy was hesitant, but I pointed out to him that both of us have agreed our partying days are over and all we do now on Friday night is rent DVD's and order pizza. This would be a much better way to spend a Friday night.

Turns out it is like riding a bike, once I got into it, I remembered everything I had been taught in the past and as a result was singled out as the best player in the group. The Boy is a natural, the coach always has positive feedback for him. I love watching him, it is very sexy seeing your man all sweaty and belting a tennis ball. However, the best thing of all is that I have re-discovered my passion for tennis, I really forgot just how much I loved it, and I am in love with it again, and even better, The Boy loves it too!

It is so wonderful to be with someone that you love more than anything else, and that together you find something you both really enjoying doing. I think that is why tennis is so much more fun now. I have someone to do it with that loves it just as much as I do, and spending the time playing tennis with The Boy has definitely made us stronger and brought us closer together. The plan now is to have private coaching once a fortnight (together) and join the social tennis group in the next few weeks where we can met other tennis lovers and new friendships can be formed. I also think it is time I began investigating other passions of mine from when I was a kid, I might just re-discover some old loves.

Image Flickr

We Finally Did It - Couch To 5K (C25K)

Cool and rainy. Perfect weather for snuggling on the couch with The Boy watching a DVD (a wedding one - I'm getting impatient and need to drop more obvious hints. I know the proposal will happen in May, he has told me that, but still, I just want to introduce him to people as my fiance) so what were we doing running at 6pm??

I have been attempting the C25K Program for years. The program involves 3 sessions a week for 9 weeks and basically it is interval training, running 60secs walking 90secs up until the end of the program when you can do 5k straight. Usually, I do the first session and then life gets in the way and I find myself repeating the first session several weeks later. I used to run, and I loved it, it was my favourite thing to do on a Saturday morning, running with my ipod and dreaming all my fabulous dreams (that I am now finally working on) and would come home blissfully happy.

Then I met The Boy and my Saturdays were spent with him, shopping, having brunch, or sleeping in (and both of us gaining 8kg....). Towards the end of last year I suggested the C25K program, we did the first session, I nearly died. I had let my fitness get that bad, I couldn't even finish the session. That scared me of a little and I didn't bother prompting The Boy to do the next session. It never got done. We repeated this in January, and then again in February, and the all of March was spent with the intention to do it, but always "we'll start it next week".

We began again on Monday, my fitness is improving so it wasn't to bad, and finally we broke the hurdle and completed the second session for the first time ever today!! It was cold, raining, and we were both tired, had bad days at work but we managed to get off the couch enough to get dressed and get out the door. The rain stopped as we left and fortunately we didn't get wet, but 5 minutes after we walked back in the door the rain started again. That made me smile.

One of my affirmations on my list is "I am a runner". Now that the commitment has been sealed and the drought broken, I AM going to be a runner in 9 weeks time, oh, and The Boy too.