Banging My Head Against A Brick Wall

This is what is causing me so much joy and so much pain at the same time.

I logged onto blogger this morning, and I did this whole post about my nightmare weekend. But I thought, maybe I shouldn't post it. It was very angry and bitter and I really should keep things happy and positive. But I can't. I just received an email from someone and I could honestly bang my head against the wall right now. I've had to call The Boy to get him to deal with it cos I am too emotional right now and if I call her up it would end in verbal abuse.

What can I say, the shit has hit the fan. Here I was in la la land, thinking we found the perfect house, on the close to perfect block (the perfect block would be someone in tropical Queensland with ocean views and palm trees). And I was just swanning about with everything falling into place. We wanted air con, it was added to the tender, no drama. We found a conveyancer. So easy. Our house lady is so helpful. Why would anything bad happen? Because it has too, because life is not about holding hands and skipping down the street singing songs in perfect harmony, life is about everything falling into place and then blowing up in your face!

It started with the weekend. No it started with The Bank. We picked one that best suited our needs and what do you know, The Boy's parents know the NSW manager! So we thought, sweet, even though he was 2 hours away we took all our paperwork to go and have a nice little chat. He told us what we wanted to hear. He photocopied the relevant documents and we walked out smiling. He told us once we made our choice it would all be so easy. That he would draw up the contract and we would come in to sign.

Bulls**t!!!!! We were supposed to see him on Saturday. But he decided not to work, so we were seeing, let's call her B*t*h-Face. We called to advise we were late while on the freeway and she told us she didn't need us to come in! We could have spent the day in bed listening to the rain and watching DVD's instead of getting up early to get onto the freeway along with every other person in Sydney. LOVELY! She just needed me to scan and send one piece of information to her. So we turned around and did that.

Today she emails me a list of 9 separate bullet points of what she needs. I have no idea why we are now dealing with her, and what annoys me most of all, is that half this stuff we already gave to the first guy, and the other half he told us he didn't need! We had it all with us when we made the 2 hour trip to see him. What the crap is going on now? So now my stress levels have gone right up.

Which takes me back to the weekend. As we assumed we would be going to the bank, we thought we would drive down to the coast from the bank to watch the Mariners game (Soccer) which at 5pm as were in the car heading towards Gosford, they decided TO CANCEL! It was FMIL b'day the next day so that night we went up there, as there was no point going home. The Brother now has his girlfriend and her daughter (from another relationship) living there, and she has taken over, and the two spare rooms are now used as the daughter's bedroom and their own private TV room. Which meant The Boy and I were forced to sleep on a sofa bed in the shed, with a fan which did nothing to give us fresh air. I am still tired from the only hour of sleep I managed to obtain on Saturday night.

Then on Sunday The Boy decided to tell his mum exactly what he thought about some stuff which caused a giant fight in front of me and two other people (this woman does not understand the word private) which made for a lovely day. I have had to spend the last three weekends with FMIL and I have had enough. She has a very strong personality that I can only handle in small doses, as much as I love the woman.

So that is where I am at now. Displaying severe stress symptoms and now facing the true reality of what it means to buy a house and all the crap that goes along with it. Not to mention trying to set boundaries with FMIL who has never had anyone set boundaries with her before. Trying to prepare myself for the interview with the dream job I mentioned ages ago (they finally called on Friday) and getting ready to start my university studies in one week! I need a freakin holiday before I officially snap. Happy Monday everyone!

The (Belated) 2009 Summary

I made a comment to someone last week that last year was such a lazy year for me. That comment bugged me all day and when I later thought about it I realised how untrue it was. Sure I might not have accomplished everything I set out to, but does that mean I failed? Far from it. I achieved a lot last year, so I thought I would briefly summarise my achievements to inspire me and also so I can look back when I am struggling this year and remember that anything is possible.

Firstly I successfully came off the anti-anxiety medication. That was a goal I always thought would be in the future, but suddenly it happened. Not only did I come off the meds but I no longer suffer from anxiety. It does creep up now and then but I am free from it in my everyday life after battling it for many years.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do for the career aspect of my life. I was spending years floating around doing admin jobs and I was hungry for more. I wanted passion and fire and something I could look forward too. I finally went back to my childhood love of Agriculture and applied for uni and got in. Only 5 more weeks till I start now!

My manuscript, I realised this year that it is going to take a lot longer than I first thought it would. When I first wrote it, it was never a manuscript, it was all journal entries during a very dark time of my life and it wasn't until that period was ending I thought I would turn it into something more. So it means a lot more editing and so many more gaps to fill than if I just started out with the "let's write a book" goal (which sometimes I think I should just start again with it). However I did managed to edit over 100 pages of work and on top of that produce an additional 100 pages of writing which I think is a huge effort and it is something I am very proud of.

My relationship with The Boy has totally flourished. We only moved in together at the end of 2008 not having been together all that long and neither of us having lived with a partner before. The first few months were really tough and a huge shock and adjustment to both of us, but we have managed to get over all the drama and reach a really great place to be in. I don't really know how to put it into words, except that we are both happy and live together in harmony most of the time (still trying to work on a few more annoying habits).

I have also strengthened my relationship with my family. My mum commented the other day that since I moved in with The Boy I have grown up immensely and I have noticed that too and I just have a lovely relationship with my mum and dad now and even my brother. He has even started to hug me when he sees me now. This is huge considering when we were living together all we did was fight. I cannot remember the last time I fought with any of them.

I don't have a massive circle of friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and I'm very close to them, but I wanted to expand my circle a little bit more and I was fortunate over the 12 months to develop two new friendships from places I least expected it. It wasn't until I thought about this recently that I realised I am now good friends with both of them. It is weird because I think as an adult you kinda get stuck and it is so much harder to make friends. I know I will be friends with both these girls for so many years to come and it gives me confidence for when we move that I won't be isolated for long.

Money. Due to my younger, reckless years (how old does that sound!) I managed to rack up some personal debt, but this year I was able to halve it which was more than I thought I could do. I am very pleased about that but also realised I can always aim higher and push myself further.

And finally I acquired new skills such as cooking and rediscovered old ones such as my tapestry. I am loving learning new skills and finding joy in the old ones and this is something I will continue with this year also.

So there we go. Reflecting on this list I actually feel pretty good about myself and confident in what I can achieve this year. I am also reminded that I need to not only think positive thoughts but speak them as well. So the next time someone asks me how the last 12 months have been I am able to respond with pride that it was an amazing time with some wonderful dreams achieved.

Welcome 2010!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year, and is going to have an amazing 2010. Today is the first day back for me and I have so much to blog about and so many blogs to catch up on!

For today however I thought I would share my holiday and hopefully tomorrow I can share my plans for 2010, let's just say this year is going to be huge, so much to do.

Our holiday started with a trip to the Zoo, Mum found a free entry coupon so we spent the day there and it was really great. I haven't been since school so I really enjoyed it, although I wouldn't bother going full price at $41 each, I can think of other things to do with that money.

The next day it was up t0 the Hunter Valley to spend time with The Boy's parents. Yes she started talking to us again and once we got there it all seemed to be the proverbial water under the bridge, aside from a few remarks everything was ok. We were there until late Christmas Eve and I finally stopped being on my best behaviour and was just myself. I relaxed completely and I think they like the real me even more (as opposed to the Elissa that has to be on show all the time to let them know I am a suitable partner for The Boy - all in my head of course). While there I was able to fine tune my newly acquired boganista skills and can now mix it with the best of them up there. It is weird though, I kinda like it, like my inner bogan was just hiding inside of me all this time waiting to come out, although I could never give her free reign, that is just not my style.

I was completely spoiled on Christmas as The Boy gave me a Wii and hence we almost missed Christmas Lunch because I couldn't pull myself away from it. You know, we had to connect it all up just to make sure it was working.

I totally blew my monthly budget in one day at the post Christmas sales, but at least now I have the most divine bedding and with a few other accessories have created the bedroom just how I want it. It is now our little haven for romance and relaxation. I am back to journalling again because I love sitting on the one seater couch in the bedroom just writing, it is heavenly. I even managed to convince The Boy that yes we did need 1000 count Egyptian cotton sheets, although I am afraid to use them as they are so good. In fact the only thing I actually bought for myself was a nice pair of gold sandals and a new filofax, I am so turning into the lady of the house!

Before the new year The Boy and I went to the movies, gold class. It was my first time and I cannot go back now. I love the space of Gold Class and the limited seating and the fact there are no teenagers yelling and screaming behind me. We saw Avatar 3D and if you have not seen this movie I insist you go. I didn't think I would like it, but I loved every second of it and 3D was just amazing, and hello Sam Worthington - my new celeb crush!

And finally The Boy and I hosted out first every party. We had both our families over for New Years Eve which meant lots and lots of cleaning, so I am not in a hurry to do it again, but it was a lot of fun and a success so I am confident in my "hosting" abilities. Just thought I would test out my skills on the family first.

From New Years Day until this morning we have cocooned ourselves in The Penthouse recovering from the entire two weeks and sleeping in till 11 only to get up, have breakfast and park ourselves on the sofa until dinner time. The perfect end to a much needed holiday. If only I didn't have to be brought back to reality this morning. I was so happy.

Finally, It Is Friday Afternoon!

Our Tree - we bought all the stuff last year. I wanted pink and purple, The Boy wanted silver and blue, and this is what we ended up with. What can I say, I'm a girly girl and he is a blokey bloke.

I have had a nightmare week. I have had zero time to myself to do what I want and have just been dealing with crap. A few weeks ago I managed to get a throat infection. I went on antibiotics. They cleared it up. Once I finished the antibiotics it came back two days later. I went back to the Dr who told me I had a resistant strain (which everyone loves to hear) so this week I am on super duper antibiotics that have completely killed everything, including the good stuff so I have spent this week feeling physically ill with a constant sick feeling in my stomach, hardly able to eat because I am not hungry and I still have tomorrow to go.

Then there are the dramas with FMIL (see below). I had a whinge to Mum yesterday about this, as Mother and Daughter do (I can remember so many conversations where she vented to me about her MIL, and she thought hers was bad! My nan is nothing compared to what I am dealing with now). So Mum called the place we are going to for Christmas and they could fit a few more in and she said his parents and bro were welcome to join us. The Boy called and they said "It is too early to decide". Hello!!!! You apparently decided 3 months ago! The Boy said we had to know right now and the answer was "No!" His mother will not speak to him at all so this is all via his Dad, and he asked if she still wanted us to come up on the 21st for a few days. That was another no, although a much stronger no. She said if we did turn up she would make sure she wasn't there. Lovely. Can anyone recommend a good pre school for this child?

Last night The Boy also spoke to his sister who told him she had known for a while FMIL wasn't going to Coffs Harbour and the reason was because the brother refused to go. So apparently the world revolves around the brother now. She also warned us (as she has been living out of home for about 5 years with her partner) to get used to it cos this is normal and will happen all the time! (Don't even get me started on Mother's Day!). I know I should let this go but I am having trouble with it. I suspect because I am, apparently, not part of the family....

And then there is work. I love work. I love the fact that the male boss stares down my top (even though my necklines keep getting higher and higher) and whenever he walks past me feels the need to scratch or even just grope his balls. Lovely. Makes me feel just at home (yes this is all sarcastic). In the last few weeks he has gone back to his usual a**hole self but even worse! I could go on, but I'll save that for another day.

But, it is all over now. Tomorrow is the weekend and I am looking forward to it. More catch ups with family (mine, obviously) and friends, and precious time with just The Boy. As long as I don't go to the shops it will be very relaxing. Have a great weekend!

Some Sons Do Have Them

I finally finished the tapestry. After many, many months with long nights sitting patiently on the couch, filling in each square, I have finally finished it. This all started because I eventually want to be making home made Christmas presents for people. This year I decided that I would start with FMIL. She lives in the country and likes all that Aussie bush kinda stuff, so I thought this May Gibbs tapestry would be perfect. Fortunately I finished this just in time for the framers to have it framed before Christmas. We are getting a beautiful frame that nearly gave The Boy a heart attack as it cost just under $300. So not only is this a gift made with love, that a lot of time and effort and thought has gone into, but it ain't cheap either.

I really do like FMIL. In fact I probably even love her. Except when she doesn't get her own way, because when she doesn't get what she wants she morphs into a 2 year old complete with tantrums. Enter our current nightmare.

Christmas. Last year was spent with my family, this year we had planned to spend with his. They had planned to have Christmas at their house in the Hunter Valley. That was until FSIL refused to drive down there for Christmas (she is the one with the two kids, and therefore the only grandkids The Boy's parents have). So they then decided to have Christmas in Coffs Harbour. I remember this. They had come down for a weekend and we were all having coffee and home made carrot cake, sitting around the dining room table that they gave us. There was a pause in conversation.

"What are youse doing for Christmas?" asked FMIL.

I looked at The Boy. He shrugged. "Don't know, nothing yet. What are you doing?"

"Well, your Father has Christmas off for the first time in 20 years so we were going to have Christmas at our place."

The Boy nods, just as we expected. However, she continued.

"But your sister won't drive down because of the kids, so we are going up there for Christmas so we can be with R & H (grandkids) and your sister and B (partner). That is what we are doing, it is up to you if you want to come to Coffs Harbour"

The Boy didn't look thrilled, but told FMIL that he would get back to her.

He did get back to her, and told her that no, we won't be coming. It will be holiday traffic, it will take all day to get there, money is a bit tight and therefore our budget will not allow us to pay for accommodation and we are not comfortable staying at his sister's house as we will feel we are invading etc and also because B's parents will be there and we will be on the outside and just generally feel uncomfortable and not very welcome. All very valid points. She was fine with this. Apparently.

That was until a few days ago when the (resisting the urge to use swear words) woman decided that in fact she was going to have Christmas AT HOME! And naturally expected us to be there, to drop our plans less than three weeks out from Christmas and be there with her. She informed us in October she was going to Coffs Harbour and we told her a week later we won't be. I told my mum in mid November we will be around for Christmas. About 10 years ago my family decided to go out for Christmas lunch instead of having it at home like we did every year, and since then we have never gone back, and it has now become a new tradition in our family. Needless to say going out for Christmas lunch is not cheap, and with two of us we had already paid a significant amount to go out to lunch at Christmas with my family, and now FMIL decides she's staying home and wants us there.

It gets better. The Boy told her that we were not changing out plans, etc, that she had all this time to decide and she cannot change her mind after we have already confirmed with my family etc. He also reminded her of the above conversation, to which her reply was; nothing was definite (well it sounded definite to both of us). Clearly she is not getting what she wants so she gets nasty.

"What is it with you? First your ex and now Melissa, you spent Christmas with her parents last year."

"Who the F*** is Melissa?"

"Elissa, it is not my fault her name is so hard to say!"

Um, WTF? In the entire time she has known me, not once has she got it wrong, in fact whenever we are up there she is the one correcting other people.

"Boy, you need to spend Christmas with family, and Elissa is not family."

Ouch. Let me translate that for you. FMIL had just put a knife in my back and decided to ram it in a little deeper and twist it around. Very appropriate behaviour to your sons' future wife, the woman who will one day bear you grandchildren!!

At this point the conversation is clearly going nowhere, she refused to acknowledge the conversation in October, and even his Dad won't stand up for us (he knows the truth) because, well how can I say this nicely.... he is whipped. She then asks why The Boy even bothered to call. Just as she is about to say something nasty again he hangs up on her.

So that is where we stand. I just love family! Love being in a relationship and experiencing the alleged war between myself and FMIL for The Boy's #1 place (this is my shrink talking, many a session has been spent with me ranting about FMIL). I dunno. I am not a mother so maybe I don't understand, but I know that I do accept responsibility for my actions and I do follow through on what I say. I just wish it didn't have to be so nasty. I mean, does she really think of me that way?

Well after such a long post the conclusion is we are staying here for Christmas. We were meant to go up and see them beforehand, but don't know if it will happen. As The Boy said, she needs to change her behaviour before we go back up (unfortunately we will not get an apology, she never apologies to anyone as she believes she is always right). And as for the tapestry, well, I think it will look lovely on our wall, and would best be viewed by sitting at the dining room table sipping coffee and having carrot cake.

Hmmmm

I don't know what exactly I am feeling today. Stressed. Work is suddenly busy (about time too because there are only so many times I can surf the web before I want to pick up my monitor and throw it out the window) and, naturally, nothing is working the way it should be and then someone comes along to "fix" it, but by "fixing" it they change the format and then I have to try and fix the formatting back to the way it was, meanwhile I am given more and more work.

I feel busy outside of work, so much to do and get done, it is like now that I am going to uni I have this sudden urge to sort out my entire life because I will not have time once I start studying, and I just have no time to do anything else now. I am dreading looking at my email cos it has been over a week and then I have friends trying to contact me via facebook for who knows what, even though I have not logged into facebook all year and once I finally get around to it, it will be to shut it down.

I feel blah, maybe a little sad. I feel frustrated. Could someone please answer a question for me. Why is it that when one area of your life suddenly comes alive and goes so well (right now my career/passion with getting into uni) that at the exact same time another area in your life that was going along so well suddenly manages to you-know-what up and you have more you-know-what to deal with? Is it me? Am I just not able to manage my life to enable two areas to work well together at the same time? Or is it just the way life is, that you cannot have everything going well for you because life is not like that. I know this is temporary, but I don't care, it just doesn't seem fair right now, and the more I try and fix everything the more it seems like I am going backwards.

Then there is The Boy, he is doing so well at work and is filling in a senior role for 4 weeks while some guy is away. He is also working 6 days for the next several weeks with a lot of overtime and on Saturday I was half asleep in bed, I kissed him good bye at 7am and I didn't see him again until he crawled into bed after midnight. Isn't it illegal to work that long? We both desperately just want to spend time with each other but there doesn't seem to be any time, and so we are getting a little cranky in general which doesn't help and all we both need is lots of hugs and kisses and a whole day to just lock ourselves up in The Penthouse and chill out.

And finally, (although I am sure there is more, good thing I am seeing my Shrink on Saturday) it is "that time of the year". Which means two things;

1. Christmas. Last year was spent with my parents, this year was going to be spent with his, at their place in the Hunter Valley. That is until they informed us that his sister refuses to drive down and therefore they are going to Coffs Harbour for Christmas, which is only like 8 hours away, and it will be her partners parents as well and their kids etc etc, and to be honest we both feel like we would be on the outside and neither of us want to travel that far. We have two weeks holiday and we don't want to spend it traveling and living in a big house with zero privacy. Next year we are having Christmas, and if no one turns up I don't care, too much drama and stress and guilt trying to go from one family to the next.

2. 2010. Time to start thinking about what we want to happen next year, what goals to set, what our priorities are, and also to reflect on what happened this year. I have no idea, as 2010 is not going to be at all what I thought it would be. I am going back to uni! That was never in the picture. So I guess I am feeling a little lost, The Boy and I both want to discuss these things but just cannot seem to find the time, and to top it off he is leaving me tomorrow for work and I won't see him till Thursday night.

I think I feel a little better now that it is all out there. Everything will happen when it should and I just need to relax and only focus on what I can do each day. Which right now means getting back to work and hopefully managing a smile. I will try my best.

My Inner Country Girl - Part One

This year I have spent a lot of time thinking about what made me happy when I was a child/teenager. Back then I only ever did things that I wanted to do, if I didn't want to do it (like ballet) then I didn't, it was onto the next thing to try. As a result of this I have re-discovered past loves (such as tapestry) which I am now reviving and falling in love with all over again. I suppose the purpose of doing this is to perhaps uncover some more direction for my life. Find the things that make me happy, because life really is too short to waste time doing what you don't like.

After school I went to uni and completed a science degree in Biology, but I am not working in that field and I never have. About half way through the degree I knew being a scientist was not right for me, but I decided to finish anyway. When I didn't enter the scientific world everyone was surprised, but I knew I was put on this earth for something else. This year I decided I wanted to work out what to do for the career section of my life, because realistically the whole career thing doesn't actually exist for me, I just work to earn an income. I need something that will work around children in the future, and something that will ignite my passion. A job where I can wake up and look forward to being at work (something I have never experienced) something with a little meaning. So, what was my favourite subject at school? Perhaps that can give me some insight.

As the end of Year 7 was approaching, everyone in our grade was given the task of choosing two electives to study for the next 3 years. I picked Textiles & Design, it was a no brainer. Back in Year 7 I wanted to be a fashion designer, I even got "busted" in religious class for designing dresses in my notebook when I should have been learning something biblical. However, I had no idea what to pick for my second. Languages were out, I hated them and failed terribly in primary school. Commerce was also ruled out, too many numbers, Food Tech - well at that stage I could only boil water, so no again. My options were running out. I discussed it with my parents. My Dad suggested Agriculture.
"What's that?"
"It's farming, you learn all about farms and working in the country. I think you would be really good at it, you like animals and you're smart, I think it would really suit you."
I wasn't convinced, I think mainly because I didn't want to get dirty, and I assumed doing "farm stuff" I would get dirty. However as time was running out and I had no better option I decided to do it. Besides, if I really didn't like it I could just blame Dad ;)

What can I say, I LOVED it! I could devote an entire year's worth of blogs to all the adventures I had in those three years. From that first class I was hooked, I wanted to learn all there was about agriculture, it felt so right, and my teacher was amazing, so inspiring and encouraging. Mrs Allen, the one teacher I actually respected, I always think of her so fondly and sometimes wonder what she is up to now. She was the best teacher I have ever had in my life. But I will save that for another post. But all the adventures; dissecting a chook, feeding the animals in the school holidays, ag camps and bush dancing, raising chicks from eggs! So much fun and so many memories that make me smile.

When it came time to pick our subjects for Years 11 & 12, Agriculture was first on the list. And for Year 12 I picked up the 3 Unit as well. I was so grateful to Dad for making that suggestion to me when I was only in Year 7, and as Year 12 was about to begin I had a plan for my number #1 subject.

To be continued....

Image: Flickr

Oh No

Nose won't stop, throat is beginning to swell, my chest is burning and I keep coughing and it hurts my entire body. I think my glands are starting to becoming tender. This cannot be happening, I cannot get sick, not now, not after everything!

The tight-arses that I work for only give us the bare minimum of 5 sick days a year (even though most people with "normal" bosses get 10) and I used them all up when I came off the meds. I cannot remember the last time I was sick, it was a while ago now, so I am probably due to get sick, but now is really, really not a good time! Can you come back later? Like in a few weeks, I have news to reveal on Tuesday if all goes to plan!

It also doesn't help when FMIL rings up last night to speak to us and informs us both that she is very sick and going to the Dr in the morning because she might have Swine Flu! I hugged and kissed this woman on the cheek 48 hours ago! I wonder if it is too late to start eating oranges....

I think my body temperature is increasing, where is The Boy when I need him to snap me out of unhelpful thinking and back to reality.

Coffee, Cake and Changes

Only family would get me out of bed at 7am on a Sunday morning and miss my usual sleep in to bake a carrot and walnut cake for morning tea. Nothing like a visit from FMIL to get The Boy vacuuming The Penthouse at 8am. We keep the place neat and tidy, but always get a bit particular about it when family are coming around.

We did have a lovely morning. FMIL, The Boy's brother and his friend came down as the brother was performing a half hour set in the afternoon at a show (he is a country music singer). There were lots of laughs and it was just what I needed. As well as comments about how we will all be old grannies before we have kids *rolling eyes*, I don't know if we'll be "grannies" in five years time, but anyway. Apparently my dark hair makes me look younger too. But as my shrink pointed out to me yesterday at our monthly appointment, I am young anyway! I don't want to "look younger" now, because I'll hit 40 one day and look back and think "what was I worried about?" Just like my weight. I look back at pics from school and uni (a size 10-12) and am shocked that I thought I was fat back then. How could I not appreciate my body. I want that body now!

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I am not sure if I will be able to blog much in the next few weeks. There was an incident on Friday that has forced me to change my plans in one area of my life, even though I don't want too. The Boy has been wanting me to make this change for at least 6 months now, but I was determined not too. However, after Friday I can see now I have no choice. I deserve to be happy all of the time. Not just on weekends. So I am sure you can work out what that change is....

So no more blogging during the day for the next few weeks, but I'll still be around reading and commenting, and who knows, maybe I'll blog even more, it could be a good excuse to stop watching all those DVDs I watch "cos there is nothing else to do" (hmmmm appear to have entered a slight rut....) It is for the best, and it is the kick start I need to continue on my journey. I am not going to be held back by disrespectful people anymore. I am happy, I know this is the right thing to do and I am looking forward to the future.

We Are Making A Man Cave

I didn't get my dream weekend where I was going to spend Saturday by myself doing what I wanted to do. The Boy was here, he didn't go see his mum on Friday night (loooooonnnng story - let's just say we come from very different backgrounds), so he came home instead. I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice, but I couldn't. He knew I wasn't thrilled about him coming home, I really needed some "Lissy time".

Needless to say Saturday was only an ok day. I did snap at him a lot, and spent a lot of time sitting on the couch sewing just to keep myself busy. I love him with all my heart, but I also cannot be with him 24/7 so I called mum and practically begged her to hang out with me on Sunday. I needed to be a girl again! The Boy was clearly offended by all of this, until I pointed out he was having xbox withdrawals and wouldn't it be best if I left so he could do whatever it was he wanted to do when I wasn't around to nag him and pout when he puts an action flick on.

On Sunday morning as soon as I woke up I was in the shower to make myself look nice to meet mum after her session at the gym.
I kissed The Boy goodbye, and he looked at me and said;
"I hope you leave grouchy Lissy at the shops, I don't like her"
"I hope so too, love you."
He rolled his eyes but I was already closing the door in his face.

I had a wonderful time with mum, we drank coffee and then did some serious shopping (we only stopped because mum's parking ticket was about to expire and she didn't want to pay - stupid greedy Westfield). I finally found myself a dress! I was soooo happy (pic's to come). I didn't return home until midday and yes I did return home back to my old self. I gave The Boy a kiss, told him I loved him complete with a nice big hug. We were friendly again. We did some talking during lunch and in the afternoon I kicked him out to the comp room so I could do my beauty stuff while watching Sense and Sensibility (love Jane Austin) and did a lot of thinking. At dinner time, I told him, I was agreeing to the Man Cave.

I really do think it is best, we have the space that is not being used, I am sick of moving to the other rooms and he doesn't get as much "man time" as he needs because he doesn't want to push me out of the living room, which is my favourite room in The Penthouse. So this way, he gets his man cave, and can play xbox and whatever else he wants, whenever he wants and I can do what I like in The Penthouse in every other room there is! Yay! Why didn't I realise this earlier? So of course this means we are now getting a plasma (he did manage to fix the current tv - much to his disappointment). The Boy couldn't be any happier, and yes *blush* I have agreed to contribute to some of it. I am very, very keen to get him out of the living room. Does that make me a bad future wife? Or just normal?

Image: Flickr

Yay It's Friday!

I am so glad it is Friday! I am feeling really good today and looking forward to a great weekend. I have lost all negativity that I had earlier. I don't know how (or why) but I have had a lot of clarity in the last couple of days. I wasn't even looking for it, but I will reveal all next week once I have done a few things towards it.

The Boy is disappearing tonight and tomorrow, and I am normally really sad about this, but to be honest I am looking forward to it. We had our nice romantic weekend last weekend and have been inseparable ever since, and, frankly, I've had enough, I need some "Lissy time" and I'm going to finally get it. His mum is sick and in hospital, so he is going to see her after work. His work is halfway to their place so there is no point coming back to get me. He'll stay the night and return on Saturday (night time, hopefully). If she is really bad I'll be catching the train up to Newcastle, otherwise.....

I will be having lots and lots of me time! Firstly up I will be hanging out with mum tonight (and my brother if he feels like socialising) before having an early night in bed all by myself (ie I can actually move and won't wake up at 2am finding myself on the edge of the bed and tapping someone on the shoulder saying "Little room please baby"). Then I plan to get up nice and early and go for a lovely morning walk taking in the sunshine and listening to what I want on my ipod before dressing myself up to go down and queue at the RTA (must remember to take a book with me).

After that I will pop down to the best and cheapest florist North of The Bridge and buy some flowers for my grandmother. She has invited me over for afternoon tea. I have not seen her since my birthday (in May), so I am looking forward to that. We have an interesting relationship. She has told me she will be baking something, which is what she does best, even in her 80's. However, before the fun, I want to get some spring cleaning done. Next up is the Kitchen and if I can win the never ending battle with procrastination I want to do the spare room and deal with the 1m pile of paperwork smothering my desk.

Then finally once I return home I plan to do my hair and give myself a facial and plonk myself on the pink couch with some chocolate watching girly movies until The Boy comes home. Pure Bliss!

Image: Flickr

When Are You Getting Married?

It seems that as soon as I turned 27 earlier this year, and therefore officially hit my "late twenties", almost everyone I know has been asking me, "When are you getting married?". Or "When is he getting you the ring?" or "When are you two going to start having children?" Or in the case of FMIL "When are youse gonna give me some grandkids?" So instead of answering these questions over and over I thought I would blog about it and then just refer people to this post.

To begin with, The Boy and I had planned a date to get married, and we went about secretly organising this wedding while being secretly engaged, and then to make it all official complete with all the wedding details. We planned the venue, the invitations, I even found a wonderful dressmaker and photographer. We even designed the "official" ring and everything. However, as we approach the 12 months out mark (and the time to start paying for some deposits), we had a few D&M's over a few weeks and asked ourselves, "What's the rush?" We really thought about what we wanted, and the life we wanted to create for ourselves and as a result of that our priorities changed, and we decided to put the wedding and "official" engagement on hold.

The Boy and I have very generally mapped out how we want out lives to look, and gone into more detail for what we want in the next five years. We have some loose timeframes for events, such as a wedding, however, as I have learnt a lot this year, timeframes sometimes don't mean much at all. Often what you want will happen a lot earlier or a lot later than planned. However it is safe to say it will happen in the next five years and just as safe to say it will not be for at least 18 months. The Boy and I would prefer a short engagement for various reasons so I told him not to bother with the ring this year. There are a few other things we want that we feel would be better pursued now than planning a wedding.

And children? Well the cheeky answer would be when I get a nice big fat diamond. Before I met The Boy I was determined I would never have children and felt my time could be better spend doing something else, and whenever I saw I child I would stare at it like it was a foreign object. However since meeting The Boy and the subsequent growth of our relationship my view has done a 180. We definitely want children and I could think of nothing better to do with my time than to be a mother and whenever I see children now I smile and say "Awwww, I want one too." However, as wonderful as that would be, now is not the right time, while we might be mentally ready, I think in every other aspect we still have some catching up to do. So again, five years yes, 18 months no.

So there are the answers to those questions and a little insight into the life The Boy and I are creating. We are in such a great place right now and it can only get better.

Image: Flickr

Again

Yesterday was one of the most traumatic days I have ever had. But let's go back to Friday night first. Friday night is the night The Boy and I have take away, our treat for the week, and we chose Chinese, and just as I took that first bite of Shanghai Beef, I felt something hard in my mouth. Sure enough there was bone, I thought the restaurant had left it in the food until I felt around and realised that up the back on the left side of my mouth half my tooth was missing. So I was sitting there holding half of one of my teeth. Mild panic attack number one started as this has never happened to me before. I assumed that once I had all of my adult teeth, that was it, they would stay there, I didn't realise I could loose some of them (or half of one anyway). That stuff always happened to other people, not to me.

So my amazing, fun, busy, social weekend was great, aside from constantly cutting my tongue from the sharp edge remaining from the half that stayed in my mouth. Naturally first thing Monday morning I called the dentist. He was able to see me at lunch time. I don't like the dentist anyway, I don't have a phobia but once a year is enough for me. He looks around and confirms that yes I have a cavity and that is how I lost half my tooth, and yes it does happen. I thought I was too young to start paying for all the mistakes I made as a child/teenager, apparently not. He told me I would need a filling.

"Ok, so I'll make another appointment?"
"No, we'll do it now, I'll just give you a needle and you won't feel a thing."
"What?"

He explained to me it was going to take about twenty minutes, and all I would feel was the needle. Now the whole needle thing is a phobia, as a result of The Incident I spent a couple of times in hospital and everytime a Dr would stab me for blood, very painful, and I was left with a massive bruise on my arm like I had been attacked or something. I'm slowly getting over it, thanks to the good people at my local pathology centre, but this was a dentist, and it was going into my gum! The tears started, just a little, so he made me hold the assistant's hand (like a child!) while he pushing the needle in.

Turns out the needle was the best bit, it didn't hurt, but then came several machines, the first one was a drill, that he put in my mouth that made my entire skull vibrate, and my anxiety go right up. I could feel it and I could hear it, it was like I was in a horror movie, I wasn't shutting my eyes, I had to see what was going on. Then another drill, then the assistant is sticking another tube into my mouth. Moderate panic attack ensures. He tells me to rinse, explains that he has cleared it and will now stick the filling in and "polish" it.

"Are we half way yet?"
"Yes of course we are."

Liar. I lie back down, mouth open, a super clean with a jet of water, followed by air, then the filling, then he puts on some weird metal thing that will give the filling it's shape and dries it with a light. That's it, I am sitting there was a rod of metal hooked onto my tooth, two pieces of equipment doing something and two people staring right at me. I cannot move, I cannot get up, I cannot do anything. I am stuck and have no idea what is going on and feeling very, very claustrophobic. Major panic attack. He tries to calm me down but it isn't working. I am freakin out twitching my arms and legs and trying to make a screaming noise. He pulls away tells me we are almost there and I just have to take a deep breath and calm myself down, it doesn't really work, but at least I'm not about to pull the stuff out of my mouth.

Metal rod comes out and the buffing begins, more head vibration and horror movie noises and then it is all over. I lie there wondering how this happened and promising myself that I am going to cut all the crap from my diet so I never, ever have to have this traumatic experience again. He then looks at me, see, before the filling he took an x-ray on the other side of my mouth which has been giving me pain since he looked at it last time (only a few months ago). He then informs me that the other side has a freakin cavity and I will have to go through this entire experience AGAIN!

I asked him if I could leave it a month and he agreed. No longer of course (of course). I walked out a little embarrassed about the drama I created (although he assured me has has dealt with a lot worse, and a lot of people react the way I do - I hope so) and I called mum straight away, just like I was a kid again so she could tell me it was all ok. She did and said she would even come with me next time. Just when I was starting to feel all grown up too.

Image: Flickr

Words and Actions

My parents always told me that actions speak louder than words. I believe this to be true, however I still struggle with seeing the actions myself when all I want is to hear the words. The Boy read my last post about my little rant about his family, and pointed out that they have done a lot for us (action) even though they may not be saying what I want to hear. I don't doubt this at all, they have done a lot for us and helped us out immensely, and for that I am grateful. I still stand by what I said however, but it has me thinking that I am still putting all the emphasis on the words and not on the actions.

I don't really know how this came to be, perhaps it is the writer in me and the fact that I was always journaling throughout my childhood right up until now. I can even remember being in school, probably only year 1 or 2, asking if my friends still "liked me". I wasn't the "leader" and she could be mean and would often kick one of us out for a few days each week until she "liked" us again. For me the words have been everything, and the actions, I just didn't really give them the attention they deserved.

Even though I know now that actions really do speak louder than words, I am still looking for the words. I refused to be the first one to say "I love you", even though The Boy was packing up his entire life two hours away to be with me, he had to say it first, all the stuff he did to show me didn't matter, I needed the words. I suppose the same could be said about my issue with his family. Their actions indicate just how much they care about us, but I just need the words, I just need to be asked some questions and allowed to talk and be talked back to.

The interesting thing is though, when something does happen it is the words that immediately fix the situation. As soon as I utter "I love you", "I'm sorry." "I was wrong" or "Please forgive me", it just fixes everything in an instant. It doesn't matter if it is with The Boy, family, friends or even people at work, everything is suddenly fixed.

This is an issue I have been aware of for some time and slowly I am looking at the actions and trying to put less and less emphasis on the words, and in turn I am showing love more with my actions and less with my words as well (although nothing beats a hand written card, composed entirely in the moment, complete with a little cross out here and there). It has become clear that The Boy and I do speak different love languages, but we are slowly learning how to communicate with each other. So baby, if you are reading this, thank you for opening my eyes, putting me in another person's shoes, and reminding me I am a work in progress.

Image: Flickr

You Don't Just Get The Boy

You get his entire family as well. Before I continue I will start by saying that I am very very fortunate. The Boy's family are lovely people, very caring and giving and extremely generous. They will help you out in whatever way they can. They also like me, I am the first girl (and only one) that has been given the nod of approval, they love me and I love them. I do think it is a little unfortunate that they are two hours away because I would be happy to spend more time with them (yes I really did just say that).

However, yesterday FMIL called The Boy advising him (try warning) that his brother (let's call him FBIL - Future Brother in Law), was going to be calling him to ask a favour. That favour being if he could possibly live with us for around 8 weeks. FBIL is going through some changes in is life, and has decided that he would like to go to TAFE and study. The course he wants to get into is only offered in two locations, Newcastle and Sydney. Ideally FMIL wants him to go to Sydney because of certain "issues" and if he moved here he would get away from his "mates" who unfortunately are leading him on a path of destruction. You are who your friends are, and his "mates" are the kind of people that you don't want to know. For the last 12 months at least, everyone has been trying to get him away from them, without any success.

Then we come into it. If he comes to Sydney to study he will be away from these people and have a much better chance at improving his life and leaving all those..... "bogans" (and yes that is me being nice about it) behind. Of course my initial reaction was "NO!!!!". "Never going to happen, no way." Sure he is family, but let's look at what can happen. If he moves in, he will have a room, and I will not clean it, and I suspect he won't either. I will not do his washing, so I don't think he will have clean clothes, and I certainly will not cook for him, in which case he will probably just attack our stockpile of frozen meals I have spent many long nights making for times when we can't be bothered and so we don't resort to take away. There is no way I want any of his mates stepping inside and no girls staying the night. I do not want to be his mother and I am not sure if he has the skills to look after himself.

Of course, if we say "No.", then it is clear that I was the one saying no, because The Boy wouldn't do that to his brother. And if that is the case I can kiss the friendly relationships goodbye. To be honest I personally think it was a little.... "brash" of FMIL to even ask for the favour, especially given some recent discussions The Boy has had with FMIL regarding FBIL. But what can we do? We have to let him stay. Of course there will be a page long list of ground rules. "No drinking, no girls, no late nights, no smoking, no mates, no long showers, no stealing of food...." (And I thought I wasn't ready to be a parent).

A lot to think about and work out and discuss, but I guess all I want to say is that I am frustrated. Nothing ever seems to be about us, it is always about other people, always about FBIL and his issues or FSIL (Future Sister in Law) and The Baby, or Person X or Person Y, it never ever seems to be about us. We are doing fine and have no problems (FMIL's words not mine) so therefore we don't need any attention, we are just expected to help everyone else out. It would be so nice to have one day where it is about us, where we could actually share with his family what our dreams are, what our plans are for the future, and it would be nice if someone actually asked me what I wanted to do with my life aside from my own parents!

Ok I've ranted, I could go on, but I won't (esp if FMIL ever found this blog and goes through the archives I better shut up now). But at least I have my blog, where I can share my dreams and plans and everything wonderful about my life and know that someone is listening.

Image: Flickr

One Night Widow

The Boy won't be coming home tonight so I will not see him till 5:30 tomorrow afternoon :( I shouldn't complain because I know so many women out there have their husbands/partners leaving for work all the time and sometimes for weeks on end and I am very fortunate, but because he is always with me at night I am used to it and even just one night apart isn't nice.

He is away for work, he was asked to be in the fire team and today is the day of some state wide fire competition. I thought it was all a little weird, but he explained it to me on our one hour walk yesterday (yep it took that long for me to understand the whole thing). So today he is running with a hose and putting out fires. Then tonight is a big dinner to celebrate the competition and hand out awards and no wives allowed, so his boss thought it was best if he spent the night in a hotel so he wasn't driving back late at night to get a few hours sleep before going back to work on Friday.

The Boy has left me a few times before. The first was just overnight. I cried (and wondered what happened to my fiercely independent "I'm never relying on a man" attitude) and stayed with mum overnight and was on the phone to him every chance I had. The second time he told me only a few days in advance that he had to go do some training beyond the Blue Mountains and was gone for three nights. That was hard. We were living in The Dump at that point and it scared the crap out of me. Whenever I was there alone, I never actually felt that I was alone, that and the neighbours were breaking windows and their kids were dealing drugs to their friends that pulled up out the front in their car for just five minutes (yeah, real subtle), so again I went to mum's house. No tears, but a lot of phone calls, and he got teased because he had to share with one of the guys and apparently he was calling out my name each night. By the day he was arriving home I couldn't wait, as nice as it was to spend time with mum and my bro, after three nights I'd had enough and was ready to leave.

The last time was an overnighter. This time I decided to be a "big girl" about it and stayed in The Penthouse. I hardly managed any sleep as I waking up every hour looking around for him. Tonight I am going to mum's for dinner, unsure if I will stay afterwards. I suppose I should enjoy the alone time, but I get my alone time anyway. The Boy is always asking if he can "play the x-box". Which is code for "Let's each do our own thing now and when we have it out of our system we can be together again". I get that at least once a week which I am grateful for. I am looking forward to being a kid again tonight. Having mum cook me dinner and probably being stupid with my brother, ending up in an argument and having mum come in to shut us both up. Ah, family.

I do miss him and when he is not around I really feel it. Sometimes I wonder if it means I am too dependant on him. But then we don't have a dependant relationship at all. We are two emotionally healthy people who just want to spend as much time with each other as possible. So I guess it must just be love. Real love, the kind I always dreamed about for most of my life. And it is then that I realise I'm not a little girl anymore, I am finally a "grown up" and fortunate enough to have found the person to share this journey with, someone to do all the "grown up" things with and someone to love and be loved in return.

Something To Wear

I have a lot of clothes in my wardrobe, unfortunately however I can only fit into about 3-5% of them. I have not bought myself new clothes for about 6 months now. Because, you know, what is the point, I'm going to loose weight so it would just be a waste of money. It has meant that on the weekends I have a choice of two outfits. I can wear the very baggy boyfriend style jeans with the grey long sleeve top and the black tee over it, or I can wear my black skirt with a dark coloured long sleeve tee. Neither of these two outfits makes me feel good about myself, I think I either look too daggy and sloppy or too conservative and old.

Since getting off the meds three weeks ago my appetite has gone down dramatically and as a result I have lost 1.3kg. This is a great result, especially considering my focus has been on health, not weight loss. However, I am not going to wake up one morning and magically have the 25kg I gained from the meds disappear overnight. It is going to take time, maybe a year, maybe two years. So on Saturday I told The Boy that I was not going to spend Spring and Summer in the same pair of jeans or the same skirt. I am sick and tired of looking like a dag, I want to look nice everyday and feel good about what I wear. I told him I was actually going to spend some money on clothes. Not a lot, just get a few nice, cheaper clothes to last me the season.

FMIL came down on Sunday to spend the day with us and we went out to breakfast at my favourite place which just happens to be outside our local Westfield. We decided to look around and The Boy wanted to get some jeans and with two for $99 I decided to get a nice pair too. FMIL was fussing around the shop and pulled out a top for me. I had seen it and already ruled it out, but I smiled politely and went to try it on. Surprise surprise it looked amazing, so I bought it.

We continued to walk around and we found ourselves inside a women's clothing shop known for being "affordable" and with generous clothing sizes. I picked out about four tops and thought I would try them on and just buy one or two. FMIL also decided to pick out tops for me. Tops I wouldn't even look at because they are not my "style" (not that I have a style, it is something I need to develop but I would say at that point my style was covering up). However I politely went to try them on. I had over ten tops in the change room and The Boy and FMIL standing just outside waiting for me to come out and model the clothes. That I never do. I like to stay in the change room and decide for myself, I have never had the balls to step outside, at risk of random strangers seeing me and showing other people. On Sunday I didn't have a choice. To my surprise all of the tops FMIL picked out looked amazing on, they looked slimming and fitted me perfectly, they suited me and my age. This woman definitely knows about fashion. I was very impressed, I have so much to learn.

I ended up in total with a great pair of dark flare jeans that can be dressed up or dressed down, that fit my current body shape perfectly, and nine tops. I now have a variety of clothes I can wear now and I couldn't be happier. It has only been a few days but it has changed me. I suddenly care more, I'm paying more attention to my make up instead of the usual look I go for, I'm styling my hair differently, I am walking with my head up and I am not adjusting my clothes while I wear them. I am worried now that she may have unleashed something within me. Something that is telling me to find my style, to experiment and not to be afraid and to be myself. I love FMIL and I told her next time I need clothes I am going with her. The woman I was afraid to say anything to in case I said the wrong thing is now turning out to be my shopping buddy and personal stylist. Who would have thought.

Peace At Mum's House

I went to Mum's for lunch. It is amazing that she went away for 4 weeks and I survived without her. She hasn't even been back a week and already I have been to see her 4 times. I went around because I was sitting at my desk and I started getting all panicky. Yes The A Word appeared and I knew I had to do something before I had a full blown panic attack. So I went around to mum's and 45 minutes later I feel great.

As soon as I walked in she offered to give lunch. She took out two muffins from the freezer (one tuna and one bacon) and heated them up for me while I sat at the kitchen counter and we just talked. I talked about last night, and about our plans, both short and long term, and what she thought about them. I was only there for about half an hour, but in that time I was calmed down almost instantly and felt like myself again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I don't think PMS has helped though. It is weird because usually with PMS I get cranky and moody as well as a little female dog like and snappy, and little things effect me more, but I never cry. However for the last few months I have cried consistently, and last night I cried. I cried because I am feeling trapped in my current work situation and I was having a nice big pity party asking the world what have I done, haven't I suffered enough. Mum copped it first, then The Boy. Both of them told me to suck it up. The three words I dislike the most. Sure I could have "sucked it up" but instead I choose to cry and yell louder.

Eventually I went and gave myself a little time out, so I could listen to some music and write in my journal. That helped and then I went to the shops to find a top. I meet The Boy there and after I found the perfect top and cardi (and it was the first thing I tried on, that never happens!) we had a much needed D&M and everything is better now. I am so fortunate to have him in my life. He really does make everything better.

I don't know what it was though that set me off today. Last night, stress about the new meds (because I really don't know what effect they will have), frustration at my job, and probably being impatient with next year's plans. Whatever it was I feel much better now. The Boy and I had decided what direction we were going to take. But when it came down to it, one part of the plan was not what I wanted. So we were kind of back to the beginning. I thought what I wanted couldn't be achieved, so in my head I suggested my back up plan. But the reality is I don't like my back up plan. However, with a little research my dreams can become true and it is so clear in front of me now, why I thought it was impossible I'll never know. All will be revealed soon. Maybe in September.....

We Have Decided To Stay

After many weeks discussing what we should do and exploring all our options, we had decided we were going to move. However nothing was final until we discussed with my parents our decision. They had been away for four weeks doing a tour from Darwin to Perth and arrived back on Saturday. It was so great to see them and it really made me realise just how much I had missed them. I went around on Saturday to see them (The Boy was at work till 2pm) with my carrot cake and lemon cream cheese frosting I had made just for the occasion (and I might add I have never made frosting with cream cheese before but I loved it and will be doing in again) and we had lunch and just kept going. The Boy turned up and we gave mum her belated b'day present which she loved and then it was onto the photos. It was a great way to spend the day just with The Boy and my parents and brother and seeing all the photos they took and listening to all the stories they had.

On Sunday we went out to lunch with them and when we got back home we sat at the table to discuss things. We had a very lengthy discussion and a lot was talked about and mum showed us some other possibilities we had not even thought about, and it was those that made us decide to stay. We have a definite plan for the next couple of years and I think we both feel really good about it. My shrink had told me to go with my gut, and after talking with my parents my heart was telling me to stay, and it really is the best thing for us at the moment. I could spoil everything and reveal all, but I won't. Hopefully I can have a few more answers in September.

Last night and even this morning I was thinking a lot. In the last 12 months I have really grown up. Which is interesting because I thought that I was all grown up and acting like an adult already. But I don't think I was. I think I was still holding onto my adolescence. I really have grown up so much and changed. I am still the same person at my core, but a few of my values have moved around on my list of priorities. My priorities have changed, there are something I just don't care about now, and others I do care about now that I had disregarded in the past. As a result a lot of my goals have changed, a few have even been put on hold and some are now more urgent that ever before.

For the first time I feel that I am happy and comfortable with where I am right now and were I am going. And the best thing of all is that I have an amazing man right by my side taking every new and exciting step with me. Life does not get any better than that.

Image: Flickr

So What Is Happening With The A Word?

The A Word. What can I say. Up until FMIL's offer, it was doing great, so great that my shrink told me that my goal for the next 6 months was to focus on my health so I could get off the meds. 12 months ago my shrink told me I may have to face that fact that I could be on them for life. Then I suddenly see the finishing line in front of me, only 6 more months and med free, and then.....

I am now faced with a decision about whether to pack up my entire life and start again. This does not help the A word. In fact I have done a 120 (not quite at 180 yet) and am very anxious again. I have gone back to old patterns and habits, and unhelpful thoughts are now swimming around my headspace again. Just when I thought I had dealt with it all and would never have to go through all the b/s again, it all comes back. Just trying to make the decision is causing it, and then when I think, lets do it, lets move, it gets worse. I think about everything that could go wrong and all the changes I have to make and it makes the anxiety symptoms come on strong.

Like this morning, The Boy and I had an "argument". I made an innocent, non judgemental comment, but apparently they way I said it was judgmental and hence we "debated" for 40 minutes this morning over the phone. Naturally we resolved it, but it made me anxious, and flooded me with lots of unhelpful thoughts. I resolved that we cannot move, because what if we have a fight, who can I turn to? No one! What if FMIL gets involved, then what happens? What if The Boy had to choose between us? What if I accidentally told her to **** off and mind her own business, what would happen then? Anxiety that is what happens! Major panic attacks, and just thinking about it makes me jittery, and I think, no we are not going to move, and then I get anxious again because I don't want to stay where I am now anymore.

Then there is the issue of money. Apparently it doesn't matter if I don't have a job when we move (assuming that is the decision we make) because The Boy can "provide for me". He can "sustain" me until I get a job. Ok, so this is probably the dream of a lot of girls/women, and when I was a little girl it was my dream too, and when I first started working it was my goal, but I have been an "Independent Princess" for several years now, and have never relied on any man to provide for me. I can look after myself thank you very much. Sure, down the track when I am pregnant/have a newborn I can do it, but now? Of course The Boy isn't just "any man". He is The Man I am spending my life with, but I am really struggling to get my head around this concept. The thought of having to rely on him to "look after" me is sending my anxiety right up.

So I am just left feeling more confused. Still no closer to a decision, but wishing I was back in a different headspace. Hoping I can still begin 2010 med free. I'm seeing The Shrink tomorrow, hopefully I'll gain some clarity and some peace and that all is not yet lost.

Image: Flickr