It's Almost Official

Yes I am back, and back for good this time, no more vanishing into thin air. At least not for about 8 months anyway. Firstly I just want to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog post. It made my day and I certainly have a few emails to send off.

Ok, this is just to give a quick update. We found land. It wasn't even on our list to look at, but after spending a very hot day (where I experienced my first episode of sunstroke) we went to speak to the house lady to cheer us up after walking around dirt for several hours not happy with what we were seeing and she showed us a block of land and it was perfect. Naturally someone else wanted it, and had already had a contact written up, however they hadn't paid the $500 deposit, so I sent The Boy off to the pub (cos they only take cash or cheque, does anyone still have a cheque book anymore?) and he returned with the money and it was ours. So I guess the other couple have learnt in the future to just hand over the cash, the deposit was after all fully refundable.

So now all the paperwork and contracts are getting done up and we are off to the bank on Saturday to sign away our financial life for the next 30 years. Life is very hectic at the moment, but now that there is logic and structure and a process I can handle it. Being an analytical thinker I can operate now, follow the steps, before I was just lost, running around totally clueless to empty blocks of land and calling agents asking random questions. I am so glad that is over with. It is all happening very quickly and I think The Boy and I are still in shock, but that is life, you never know what is around the corner.

I am glad we have it all sorted though. On Monday I received a package from UNE with all my lecture notes on CD for me to print. I had forgotten about the whole uni thing. Under two weeks to go now. All the notes are printed and I am ready, all 400 pages of notes! Which would explain why there is no text book, the notes are the text book.

On the job side of things, I have applied for 3 jobs up on the coast, with another two to send off today. I have heard nothing yet. I have to remind myself it is not Sydney and people are relaxed and take their time. Which is one of the reasons for moving up there in the first place.

On Monday I did receive a call about a job I applied for back in November. It was in Sydney, but in Hornsby, so I could do the Wyong-Tuggerah-Gosford-Woy Woy-Hornsby express. Anyway, the girl they picked back then decided to go travelling, so I interviewed on Tuesday. I am yet to hear back, he told me he will make his decision next week but he hopes I am successful. Not sure what than means but in all honestly I don't actually want the job because I don't want to work for him. The interview started well until he started asking me all the questions you are not allowed to ask. How old am I, am I renting and if so how much am I paying, and then he asked, "WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING CHILDREN?????" I just stared at him in shock for about 10 seconds before giving a fake laugh and responding with "I really haven't thought about it." Which is a total lie of course, but that wasn't a question I had prepared myself for, because you are not supposed to be asked it. Of course in retrospect I can now think of a thousand responses, which I guess I can use the next time it happens!?

On the health side of things I have lost 3.2kg so far, which I am pleased about, especially since the last two weeks it has gone from priority #1 to about #5. As long as I loose each week I am happy. So that is it for me now. I have so much reading to catch up on as well some more web surfing. Mum suggested that we may want to rent up the coast for 6 months to save some money, so my head is buzzing with this possibility and I have spent a good two hours shortlisting rentals. It makes sense but The Penthouse is not just a place to live, it was my grandmothers and I have spent my entire life seeing her there with very fond memories and only in the last 12 months living in it. I am not prepared to pack up and leave it in the next few weeks. Nor am I ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything I have ever known. That was always sometime in the future, not now. But then buying a house was always sometime in the future, and now look where I am. I am learning to love the unpredictability of life.

Image:Flickr

It Doesn't Rain It Pours

Yes I am still alive. I am very well, stressed and mildly anxious but overall I am fantastic. With my dreams for the year I wanted to get right into it. I didn't want to stuff around and hit June and think, I really should get started on that. So I set off, maybe a little too quickly. Actually, no that is not true. I set off on the weight loss goal. I wanted to start on that, get the whole healthy eating and exercise thing a habit so that when uni started (4 weeks now....) the healthy weight goal was manageable and I could focus on the uni and from there gradually move onto the others.

The buying a house goal was probably that last thing that was going to get started. Maybe around June even. But all of a sudden it has just gone full speed ahead. I don't even know how it happened or what caused it. We decided to explore the house and land option. If we moved 20 minutes away from our desired suburb we could get a good block of land and build a brand new house for the same price. After researching the area we are now in love with it. It is very family friend (and no, I am not) and we simply traded the beach for a lake (although we plan to move to the beach down the track but I can think about that in 5-10 years time).

So then on the weekend we found ourselves at Homeworld in Kellyville, fell in love with a house and this weekend we are up to the coast to scour land. Up until the weekend all my free time was in looking at floorplans, and dreaming about them. This week it has been searching for land that is flat (if an agent sends me details to a block they have had for a year because it is virtually horizontal I will scream) and dreaming about vacant blocks of land. Now I am stressing because there is so much to do and I want to find something before uni starts so I can put my focus into that. I don't care how long it takes to build the house. It can take 2 years for all I care, as long as we find the land we are looking for in the next four weeks.

Anyway, on top of that is work. Miss T has told me she is leaving. I am very happy for her, but have no idea who will keep me sane here. So after lunch I quickly looked on seek and there it was. The job I have been searching for, for the last 6 months. Right there, right in front of me, located in the very suburb we are looking for the land.

I am sure this post is coming across rushed and rambled and scattered, which, unfortunately, is my head space right now. Time for me to go, I have to polish the CV and focus my attention on an outstanding cover letter. Hopefully then I can clear my head and get back to being just me, doing what I want, when I want, and using the internet for fun, and if I never see the dimensions for a block of land again I will be very happy.

Reflections

I wrote my post yesterday while I was still at work and hence still bothered by the whole incident. Much to my total astonishment (and delight) I came home and had left all that negative energy at work. Once again I had left it at the door. This is a huge thing for me because the ability to let things go, especially work stuff is something I have struggled with for years. Last year was probably the worst of it too. I would come home feeling deflated and unwilling to do anything and would snap at The Boy. Being able to let it all go and just be me at home was something I was aspiring to and all of a sudden I am there, and I have no idea how that happened.

I feel so liberated, so content and energised with this new found knowledge that today really is a new day and I don't need to carry around crap for days on end. I have known this for ages but the actual application eluded me. So how did I reach this point? I believe it is because I am more focused on what I want now. The Boy and I sat down in December to really write out our five year plan and to stop talking about an abstract vision but to detail every single thing we wanted and to write it down. We spent the whole month discussing and editing this vision and at the end of our holidays broke down that vision into yearly steps, thus forming our 2010 goals.

I didn't have that last year, I felt very lost last year, just floating around, knowing what I wanted and working on it, but working without a plan. I had the goal and I had the starting point but I never bothered with the actual plan of action. I have that now, and I think that is why I am able to let everything go now. Because at the end of the day I have too much to focus my time and energy on if I want to achieve those dreams that I simply cannot waste any of it on the meaningless of obsessing over people that want to bring me down.

At this point in time I cannot control my work environment, but I can control how I react to it. I am not going to let any of these family members bring me down, if that is how they get their kicks, fine, I just pity them. But I will no longer allow them to take me backwards on my journey and to consume my headspace, they are not worth it and my dreams are worth so much more. At the end of the day the only person who can make me feel back about myself is me.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and that manifested itself in that I let everyone walk all over me. But as I approached adulthood that started to change, the more I believed in myself and my abilities the more I stood up for myself and would no longer tolerate that behaviour from others. I managed to get that right but what people said to me still bothered me. I slowly gave up caring what other people thought about me, although for me this has been an up and down journey, with times when I fall back into old patterns like I have recently with work. The only people I listen to now are those I love and respect and are close to me and who I know will approach me from a place of love, not bitterness, nastiness, selfishness or jealousy. And while those at work will continue to say what they say, I am not going to let it break me. I might have my initial reaction, but it stops there. It is not coming home with me because what they say and think I actually do not care about, they are not people worthy of listening too.

I reflected last night that this is simply temporary. I have gone through so much worse and ended up so much better for it, so I am confident I will achieve the same result here. While I may not like it I am starting to see the good in it. It is giving me strength in who I am and what I can do. It is teaching me the skill of letting go, something I have longed for, for many years. Finally, it is giving me motivation. Because the more this happens the more motivated I am when I come home to do what I have to do. I have a 5 year plan that includes working for myself doing what I want to do and answering only to me, and I know how to get there, and while I have already begun taking those steps, each verbal abuse leads to taking those steps just a little quicker. Bring it on!

The Drama Continues in 2010

I have had problems with work pretty much from about 3-6 months in. It started with little things and then over time gradually increased. My recent work history was a little "choppy" so I wanted to stay here a while to prove to future employers my stability. I was warned however by Miss T (my work bestie who only works part time as she has 2 year old twins boys to look after) at the start that for the past several years all the people in this role only lasted up to the 6 month mark. She wouldn't tell me why that was until the problems started and then I realised. It's not me, it's them. And suddenly we became besties as we spent our lunches complaining about work and having a good old female dog session and I would listen in horror about what the ex employees went through. I was still determined to stick it out however.

It has been a rollercoaster ever since. Three months ago I tried to quit, long story, but I didn't. That was fine. The Boy and I were getting serious about our Central Coast dream and I figured I would decided what job I wanted up there and start to look for it, something I actually wanted to do, I was not going to settle. Around December I decided that I knew what I wanted, it needed to be near a train station and ideally be 4 days a week, possibly 3 or 5 depending on the hours. I had a list of what industries I wanted to work in and off I went. I have not found it yet. I have found the hours but not the location, I have found the location but not the hours. But I am hopefully that at some point in the future the two will merge and I will apply and get that job. Until then I was going to suck it up here.

On Tuesday I "got in trouble" with The Mother (family business and I am so glad I am not in the family!) for missing 60 CENTS on an invoice we sent to a customer. Not $60,000, not $6,000, not even $600. But 60 Freaking Cents! I would have been happy to admit that, however, The Daughter is really big on "quality control" so all invoices must be checked by The son in case I make a mistake, cos, you know, I am human, it can happen. But he signed off on that invoice saying it was ok to go! I told her that but it was still my fault and I should have checked it (which I did, but anyway). I also got in trouble for not responding to her email straight away. I was told to do something else by The son and as her email was not marked urgent or did she even mentioned that she needed me to get back to her asap I left it. I didn't see this as a problem but apparently it was.

I was very proud of myself that despite the ten minute phone call of abuse and being told I need to be more careful blah blah blah I was able to leave it at the door. I didn't let it bother me. I am too happy now, have too much going on outside of work to worry about a nasty bitter old woman throwing her weight around.

Well today I was "in trouble". This time I didn't email The Mother to let her know that we had received a piece of equipment. The key problem here is that a) I have never told her about equipment coming in before, and b) I don't deal with any of the equipment, that is Miss T's job. However it was all my fault and the verbal abuse started again. As much as I would like to let today's show go, I don't know if I can. It was a lot more personal. She said a lot. I think my favourite was;

"You are paid to think, and you are not thinking!"

Oh that's right, because I'm a freakin idiot which is on my CV and which is why you gave me the job in the first place.

The whole family is really big on the Why questions. But why wasn't this done, why didn't you do this, why didn't you wipe my arse when I asked you too. At this stage I am wondering why they haven't just fired me because I never hear what I am doing right. So I told her why I didn't email her about it. Apparently that wasn't good enough and she would not accept my answer (just like The Daughter wouldn't accept my resignation). Our argument continued for at least 5 minutes, finally I said to her;

"Ok, well I gave you my answer, you don't like it, what do you want me to say?"

"That you didn't think."

"Fine, I didn't think."

So I now I don't think, and I need to "get my act together" because she is "very disappointed in my performance." After a few phone calls I have established that I am being subject to bullying and harassment in the work place. I mean, I couldn't even defend myself. She bullied me into saying what she wanted to hear. And I never let that happen. I never let anyone speak to me that way, no one. And those that know me would know what kinda s**t would go down if they did.

So why am I tolerating it? I gave in to get her off the phone so I could ring The Boy and have a cry. The stupid thing is Miss T called me an hour later to tell me she sorted the whole thing out and confirmed that I did nothing wrong it was all her stuff anyway, and no one did anything wrong, that The Mother just didn't understand how it all worked. Not that it makes it ok at all.

I just don't know why they do this. They bullied one of the scientists here constantly threatening her, saying if she didn't do her job they would fire her (even though she was doing her job and more). Finally she snapped, went and got another job (at the end of last year) at a much better company with a lot more money and they even agreed to sponsor her (she was from the UK). The family was completely puzzled (and up the you know what) when she handed in her notice. They didn't think there was a problem. So what am I doing?

A new job is one of my goals this year. But I don't want to settle. I don't want to have to take something I don't really want just because I am desperate. But after this recent attack I don't know how much longer I can "suck it up". But it isn't just that either. It is the fact that I do not deserve to be treated this way, and certainly not by an employer. The complete zero professionalism this family exhibits astounds me, as does the fact that none of them have even bothered to obtain any kind of qualification in managing people.

I believe I have always performed well in my jobs as an employee, I put in the effort and have been rewarded in the past as a result. Even at this place when I tried to resigned The Daughter wouldn't accept it because she told me I was a valuable employee and my work was very important (did she pass that onto The Mother?). But if I am apparently so crap at it, why not just have a meeting with me and tell me without all the emotion. And why not offer to give me training as well. And thus lies the problem. I was trained in this role, but 3-6 months in she decides she wants to retire and she will train me up. She never trained me. She just started to get me to do stuff. Just little things, she would tell me what I had to do, but never how to do it. I would ask her how and she would tell me she didn't have time and would "go through it later". But later never comes. So I do the best that I can and if I make one single mistake it is like I have just stolen from them or something. Such a massive drama. And for what? 60 cents? A notification of equipment? So my question is why? Why all the drama and what am I going to do about it.

Counting Down

Only four more days of work, including today, then a whole 2 weeks of holidays. I am actually having a good work week cos I am alone in the office. Basically I work for a small company of scientists and a technician (the male boss, he has no formal qualifications) and as such they spend a lot of time "off site". Except the male boss, but since one of the girls quit (now it is just me and the lovely Miss T, one down, two to go) he is now having to get out a lot and hence I am alone most of the time this week and loving it. It gives me time to search for another job too. Not that anyone is advertising just before Christmas.

Yes the job hunt continues. I have discovered that employers on the Central Coast don't seem that keen to place ad's up on Seek. On our weekend away while ducking into the local bottle shop I noticed the local paper, the Express Advocate, sitting on the counter, I took one and turned to the back and found 4 pages of job ads! The Boy looks over and says, "Oh yeah, we get that paper at work, at the security gates."

HELLO!! How long have I been complaining about my job and how many times have you told me to find something on the Coast?? So every Friday I send him at least 10 sms's reminding him to bring one home. I have a new ritual on Friday's after work. Devouring the Central Coast local paper looking at real estate and jobs. Is that sad or does it just mean I am so ready to move?

Anyway, feeling quite calm in the lead up to Christmas (despite all of last week's drama). I have bought every present (except one) and they are even all wrapped. I made the labels above for the gifts. I had to make them before I could wrap anything. I purchased 5 A4 sheets of metallic red cardboard for $5. The Boy pointed out that we could have just bought cheap labels from K-Mart for that price. Men! Of course we could have, but where is the love? Where is that little touch of hand made that makes it stand out from the stock standard gifts they get from everyone else? Of course once he saw my wonderful collection on the table he quickly changed his mind and gave me a kiss on the check telling me I was so creative. $5 for an afternoon of being worshiped and praised seems like a pretty good deal to me.

And finally I have started my next project. Going for cross stitch this time for a change. It is meant to be a gift but I am really loving the pattern and am tempted to keep it. I shouldn't. If I want to increase the home made stuff next Christmas I should probably get to work on them now. Or I could just save myself the effort and buy something from K-mart.

Finally, It Is Friday Afternoon!

Our Tree - we bought all the stuff last year. I wanted pink and purple, The Boy wanted silver and blue, and this is what we ended up with. What can I say, I'm a girly girl and he is a blokey bloke.

I have had a nightmare week. I have had zero time to myself to do what I want and have just been dealing with crap. A few weeks ago I managed to get a throat infection. I went on antibiotics. They cleared it up. Once I finished the antibiotics it came back two days later. I went back to the Dr who told me I had a resistant strain (which everyone loves to hear) so this week I am on super duper antibiotics that have completely killed everything, including the good stuff so I have spent this week feeling physically ill with a constant sick feeling in my stomach, hardly able to eat because I am not hungry and I still have tomorrow to go.

Then there are the dramas with FMIL (see below). I had a whinge to Mum yesterday about this, as Mother and Daughter do (I can remember so many conversations where she vented to me about her MIL, and she thought hers was bad! My nan is nothing compared to what I am dealing with now). So Mum called the place we are going to for Christmas and they could fit a few more in and she said his parents and bro were welcome to join us. The Boy called and they said "It is too early to decide". Hello!!!! You apparently decided 3 months ago! The Boy said we had to know right now and the answer was "No!" His mother will not speak to him at all so this is all via his Dad, and he asked if she still wanted us to come up on the 21st for a few days. That was another no, although a much stronger no. She said if we did turn up she would make sure she wasn't there. Lovely. Can anyone recommend a good pre school for this child?

Last night The Boy also spoke to his sister who told him she had known for a while FMIL wasn't going to Coffs Harbour and the reason was because the brother refused to go. So apparently the world revolves around the brother now. She also warned us (as she has been living out of home for about 5 years with her partner) to get used to it cos this is normal and will happen all the time! (Don't even get me started on Mother's Day!). I know I should let this go but I am having trouble with it. I suspect because I am, apparently, not part of the family....

And then there is work. I love work. I love the fact that the male boss stares down my top (even though my necklines keep getting higher and higher) and whenever he walks past me feels the need to scratch or even just grope his balls. Lovely. Makes me feel just at home (yes this is all sarcastic). In the last few weeks he has gone back to his usual a**hole self but even worse! I could go on, but I'll save that for another day.

But, it is all over now. Tomorrow is the weekend and I am looking forward to it. More catch ups with family (mine, obviously) and friends, and precious time with just The Boy. As long as I don't go to the shops it will be very relaxing. Have a great weekend!

What Today Was Supposed To Be

When I handed in my resignation letter, today was supposed to be my last day. I was supposed to be here kicking back and cleaning out my work email ready to celebrate all weekend long. That won't be happening because it isn't my last day. When I gave notice, my resignation was "up for discussion". This was news to me. In every other job I have had, when I have given notice, the response has always been "all the best for the future". I guess with all my previous jobs there was a use by date so by the time I quit, everyone was expecting it.

Not this time however, my resignation was not accepted until a few meeting/"chats" where to be had. Apparently everything really is negotiable. They didn't want me to leave and actually told me how valuable I was and how much they rely on me. This information could have been helpful before I decided to quit. So there were chats, and promises about change. To be honest I was doubtful, I thought things might change, but give it a week and it will all go back to normal.

So I continued attending interviews. Yes there are lots of jobs out there, but they are all the same, and these interviews are all the same, and the problem was, all the jobs were doing the same thing, but travelling further and in most cases for slightly less money. I began to wonder if it was worth it.

Fast forward 4 weeks and to my complete surprise, the changes of being nice and friendly, being respectful and actually treating me the way I should be treated have been MAINTAINED! But not just to me, to everyone, everyone is talking about the changes that have occurred. So at this stage I am staying. I am not thrilled about it, but then I am not thrilled about what other jobs are out there.

That is not to say the job hunting is over. But it is over for Sydney. The Boy and I have done a lot of research in the last fortnight, had a lot of conversations with ourselves and family and we can definitely move to the Central Coast in the next 6 - 18 months. So the job hunting has changed to the Central Coast. They have about 10-20 new jobs every day. Sydney - North has around 200. So I suspect it is going to take a long time to actually find a job that I want up there, but each week I will keep checking and I am sure eventually something will pop up. The Boy works up there so transport will not be an issue, and before we know it we'll be living up there anyway. Besides, I still have a uni application waiting, and that could change a lot of things, so I think everything has worked out for the best, for now anyway.

So alas, no big celebration this weekend, instead the (future) in-laws are arriving Sat night, which means a lot of cleaning and a lot of baking. Before all that however, hopefully the bed will arrive, but that is The Boy's problem. I am spending the morning getting my hair done and then a deluxe pedicure. Simply to celebrate the fact that I am getting out of the rut and am slowly, but consistently, making some positive changes to my life.

Image: Flickr

I Kinda Did Something Today....

I know I have been a little vague and distant from my blog in the last week or two. I have had something on my mind. Something I have been thinking about for many months but recently I have been forced to think more deeply about it. Today I finally did something. I QUIT!!!!

Some of you will know I don't like my job and have had some issues with it. I work for a small business and the three people in charge are family. There is The Mother, The Daughter and The Son. About two months ago I had a chat with The Son about my concerns and issues. He never got back to me but said he would take it on board blah blah blah. Since that time The Mother and The Daughter have treated me very well and I appreciate the effort they have made (as I felt I was not being treated fairly at all). The Son however just decided that he would be a even bigger A-hole. I have been sucking it up for a long time. Many people have told me to quit and have been telling me this for at least 6 months, but I was determined to stick it out.

There was an incident just over a week ago now. The Son decided to check my computer. I already knew he was doing this, and made sure there was nothing for him to find. I have no idea what he was looking for, but on Friday he decided to help himself and look while I stood a metre away from him. I thought this was a little rude, I mean, at least wait until I go home or something (like he normally does). But no, he did it in front of me. When I went to lunch later I came back to discover that he had in fact removed the internet from my computer (at least he thought he had... hehe). Earlier that week he changed my internet settings to keep my private data which I always clear. I will point out that I have never signed any documents with this company waiving my privacy rights, so he has no right to do what he has been doing. To me that was the final straw.

Last week I decided to put some "feelers" out, apply for a few jobs and see if anyone called. I had three phone calls. I was confident enough in my ability to quit. So this morning I sent off the email to The Daughter advising her of my decision. As soon as I sent it I reached into my draw to pull out my coffee cup when I realised that someone (The Son) had been through my drawer. Everything that was on the bottom was on the top and was a complete mess. I don't know what he was looking for unless he wanted to borrow my plunger. Somehow I doubt it. It reaffirmed to me that I made the right decision. I don't know if he is an idiot or wants me to know that he has been snooping, because if you are going to go through someone's draw, at least leave everything how you found it!

I know it is not me. Since day one I have not been trusted. All of us outside the family are not trusted. But I just got on with it. I always did what was asked and I did it well in very reasonable timeframes. Sure I would get a coffee and check my blog/email for about 5 minutes while I just gave myself a "mini" break, but who doesn't? I am tempted to ask what he was looking for though, maybe it was to see if I was looking for another job? Well he successfully shot himself in the foot because as a result of his actions I am now.

Yes, just to clarify, I currently do not have another job. Yes that is a risk, but it is one that I have thought about and discussed with The Boy and my parents and have decided it is the best move. I am a bit of a risk taker and I hope this pays off. But I am still here for another 4 weeks and that gives me plenty of time. I also don't want to be using up all my annual leave attending interviews. I would rather be free and go to an interview as soon as they can see me rather than trying to fit it into my current work situation. Of course my inner control freak is freaking out but sometimes you have to listen to your gut and go with it. And mine was telling me to take this risk. I have some back up plans if I do finish this job here and find myself unemployed. Hopefully it won't come to that. For now the search begins for another job and maybe tonight I will open the sparking grape juice to celebrate finally being free and taking control of my life and living it how I want to.

Image: Flickr

Oh No

Nose won't stop, throat is beginning to swell, my chest is burning and I keep coughing and it hurts my entire body. I think my glands are starting to becoming tender. This cannot be happening, I cannot get sick, not now, not after everything!

The tight-arses that I work for only give us the bare minimum of 5 sick days a year (even though most people with "normal" bosses get 10) and I used them all up when I came off the meds. I cannot remember the last time I was sick, it was a while ago now, so I am probably due to get sick, but now is really, really not a good time! Can you come back later? Like in a few weeks, I have news to reveal on Tuesday if all goes to plan!

It also doesn't help when FMIL rings up last night to speak to us and informs us both that she is very sick and going to the Dr in the morning because she might have Swine Flu! I hugged and kissed this woman on the cheek 48 hours ago! I wonder if it is too late to start eating oranges....

I think my body temperature is increasing, where is The Boy when I need him to snap me out of unhelpful thinking and back to reality.

Coffee, Cake and Changes

Only family would get me out of bed at 7am on a Sunday morning and miss my usual sleep in to bake a carrot and walnut cake for morning tea. Nothing like a visit from FMIL to get The Boy vacuuming The Penthouse at 8am. We keep the place neat and tidy, but always get a bit particular about it when family are coming around.

We did have a lovely morning. FMIL, The Boy's brother and his friend came down as the brother was performing a half hour set in the afternoon at a show (he is a country music singer). There were lots of laughs and it was just what I needed. As well as comments about how we will all be old grannies before we have kids *rolling eyes*, I don't know if we'll be "grannies" in five years time, but anyway. Apparently my dark hair makes me look younger too. But as my shrink pointed out to me yesterday at our monthly appointment, I am young anyway! I don't want to "look younger" now, because I'll hit 40 one day and look back and think "what was I worried about?" Just like my weight. I look back at pics from school and uni (a size 10-12) and am shocked that I thought I was fat back then. How could I not appreciate my body. I want that body now!

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I am not sure if I will be able to blog much in the next few weeks. There was an incident on Friday that has forced me to change my plans in one area of my life, even though I don't want too. The Boy has been wanting me to make this change for at least 6 months now, but I was determined not too. However, after Friday I can see now I have no choice. I deserve to be happy all of the time. Not just on weekends. So I am sure you can work out what that change is....

So no more blogging during the day for the next few weeks, but I'll still be around reading and commenting, and who knows, maybe I'll blog even more, it could be a good excuse to stop watching all those DVDs I watch "cos there is nothing else to do" (hmmmm appear to have entered a slight rut....) It is for the best, and it is the kick start I need to continue on my journey. I am not going to be held back by disrespectful people anymore. I am happy, I know this is the right thing to do and I am looking forward to the future.

Some Days

Some days you just feel blah, inside you want to do something meaningful, but not quite enough to actually do anything about it. Today is one of those days. I want to blog, but I just don't quite have it in me to do a decent post. So this is a post about nothing (very rare indeed) it might lead to something, it might not. I wanted to post about my romantic anniversary weekend, but the photos are still in the camera. So I thought I would post an update about our little veggie garden, but my green thumb has taken the day off and I really cannot be bothered to write about gardening.

I'm currently at work all alone with nothing to do, nothing aside from the work that I do when I don't actually have any work to do. I am tired, perhaps that is why. I had a late night last night. It was the finale of The Farmer Wants A Wife so I had to watch the two hours of that. I needed closure. It was good, I had never watched the show before but was hooked within the first five minutes. I think The Boy has something to do with it, being a country boy himself. Country boys are so sweet and lovely and caring, they have such a manly charm. I think if I watched the show and I was single I would definitely apply for the next season. Fortunately I have already landed myself a country boy, I just don't know where the sheep and cattle are.

Not really that motivated to do work either. I haven't discussed work for a few months now, not since my huge rant. I stopped because I suspected that someone at work found my blog, however, I think now that it was because one of the two people I have a rant too, "dobbed" me in. I know which one it was, she has done it once before, but I always give people the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. She has since blown that and I know I cannot trust her anymore. Fortunately she is working off site now for a few months.

Shortly after my rant to her I was called in for a "chat". At this stage The Boy and I were planning on moving anyway so I had nothing to loose and I told them everything I was feeling and was completely honest about it. I was told it would be taken on board and they would get back to me. They never got back to me but things have definitely changed and it is a lot better now. I changed my attitude a little too, I found all the good things about this job and focused on that. It is not a career for me, but it is what I need right now and in the short-medium term. We have a plan, just don't know how much of that will come to fruition next year.

So here I am sipping my coffee and feeling blah, lack of sleep, lack of career and probably also conversation with FMIL. The Boy had the conversation with her, not me, I just listened. His brother won't be coming down here (happy dance) but it does seem that he is starting to get his life together, so he is in the clear and not being picked on, and because his sister just produced another grandchild for them she is not getting picked on, which means it is time to pick on The Boy. Some unkind things were said, just little, subtle things, I don't care if she didn't mean it, if she was saying them to his face I would have said something. Just stuff to guilt him, but he is standing strong. He was able to let it go after he hung up on her, but it is still bothering me.

Ok, I have clearly rambled enough now, could I call this a Seinfeld Post? Time to finish the coffee and pull myself away from blogger and do some work and listen to some motivational recordings and get happy and get a little active. I won't achieve anything by just sitting here watching the clock and seeing life move on without me.

BTW - the picture is of our seeds - we have life!

The Football

We have had a very very busy weekend and I am still trying to recover. On Saturday we went to the football. I knew this was a big deal so I did buy a new top and cardi just for the occasion. However that wasn't all. We planned to leave at around 2:30pm, so at 12pm it was time to get ready. I pulled out the emjoy to spruce up my legs, then it was a quick shower to apply a hair mask then as I was waiting for it to work it's magic I made up some more banana bread as a gift for The Boy's dad who was celebrating his birthday and the reason why we were going up on Sunday. Once that was in the oven, it was back into the shower for a full body scrub then applied lotion, and dried my hair, then straightened my hair, then applied make up. Finally just after 2 I was ready to get dressed.

I had bought some "control undies" on Thursday night. In a rush I just bought them and didn't try them on because they were in the next size up anyway I thought they would be fine. I could barely get them over my knees. The Boy offered to stretch them out for me. Unfortunately I am not allowed to disclose how, but he did, I managed to get them on, and as soon as I sat down I could hardly breathe. Sure I know that is the point of them, and it made me loose about 2 dress sizes, but I decided to go for comfort instead. Luckily I had bought a brand new skirt that morning to wear just in case I didn't want to wear the control undies (ok so I was a little obsessed about it all). Once dressed we were right on time so we left.

We decided to drive because work was paying for parking (ah!! Must give The Boy the receipt for that). The gates were opening at 3:15pm and that was the time we were told to be there. Our gate was the members area, and we walked in and had to go to level 5. At level 5 we were told to go to the "Olympians Room". As we walked down a corridor we found the door and were greeted by several wait staff with trays and trays of drinks. A man in a suit greeted us and The Boy and I just stood there not saying a word because we were convinced we were in the wrong area. This was not a corporate box, this was a corporate room. The room was filled with about 20-ish tables, all seating around 10 people, and all laid out for a three course meal. The Boy handed the man our tickets as with both looked at each other. The man confirmed we were in the right spot and showed us to our table and offered us a drink. We stood at the table taking it all in. So this is how the other side lives. I could get used to this. This is my idea of watching a football game.
We were the first to arrive and we just sat on the edges of the seat careful not to touch anything, neither of us quite believing we were in the right spot. The game was bulldogs vs eels. We were surrounded by bulldogs sponsors (except for his company who had a connection to some head guy at the nrl or something like that). I am an eels supporter. Actually I will re-phrase that. I was an eels supporter, until nearly every nrl player decided to get drunk, treat women as objects and make a mess in the hallway of a hotel. But that is for another post altogether.

The GM then arrived with his wife. Two very lovely people and then everyone else at our table arrived also. After all the introductions we were then treated to crispy skin smoked salmon with avocado and mango salad. Then at 5 pm (fortunately we didn't have lunch due to going out for breakfast, although we assumed we would be eating finger food). We were treated to a nice piece of steak with fennel and caper salad and potato. During this course some woman from an abc radio station was the mc and there were a few players/ex players, and she interviewed them. I had no idea who they were, but the current players were strutting around like they were the best thing on earth and had people getting their photo with them. I nearly tapped one on the shoulder to ask who he was, but The Boy didn't think that was appropriate.

After that it was out to the covered seating to actually watch the game. The eels scored a try, but now that I was out there I forgot about being on my best behaviour and that I don't support nrl and yelled out and cheered for them. Most people looked at me with death stares because, you know, it was the seating for all the corporate sponsors. But fortunately the GM and his wife laughed and thought it was hilarious, The Boy then decided to wipe his terrified look off his face and laughed with them.

At half time we then walked back in and were treated to coffee and pecan puddings with fresh cream and caramel sauce as well as some Aussie nba basketball star being interviewed. I didn't know who he was either, but he was there with Andrew Bogut. Finally, someone I actually knew of!

Then it was back outside for the second half. The Boy thought it was best if we sat away from the majority of people. Probably a good thing considering the eels won. We went back inside and said goodbye as everyone went their separate ways, and as we walked out of the room I turned back for one last glance at the good life and began wondering what business could I start so that I could do this every weekend. (Although probably more likely a soccer team than nrl, unless you know, those boys that play the game decide to actually start acting like men. Then pigs really would fly!)

Any Advice?

The Boy has been offered a promotion at work, and everyone has signed off on it, except for the CEO, who is sunning himself overseas somewhere, but as soon as he is back he will sign and The Boy will officially be promoted. This is great news of course and I am soooo proud of him. He does work extremely hard and always goes outside what he has to, to get the work done. His promotion is a reward for all the effort he puts in. In the last few weeks he has started to do the work of the new role, and everyone now knows about the promotion. Naturally when someone gets promoted, there are people that don't like it.

For the last few weeks a few of the boys have been treating him differently. They have been rude and have actively excluded him from certain things and are generally acting immature and rude. I assured The Boy that they were jealous because either they have not been promoted or they were promoted but it took them three times as long as it has taken The Boy.

Yesterday he was not invited to a meeting. I told him it was probably because he was too busy and they didn't want to waste his time by having him attend a sales meeting from a supplier which is a total waste of time anyway.

Well guess what. I was right! Today the General Manager called him over for a chat. He told The Boy that he was very impressed with the work he had been doing, particularly with regards to safety and he appreciated all of his effort, and as a token of his appreciation, he wanted to invite The Boy and his partner to join him and several other people from management to the football this weekend in the corporate box all food and drink catered for.

So, does anyone have any advice for me as to what I am supposed to do? I have no experience in these things, so I am not sure what to I do. What do I wear? I know I should be myself, but I'm not sure what to say? I've never been in this situation before so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Image: Flickr

The Answer Cannot Be Any More Obvious

I am sitting here, going through seek applying for jobs and looking for new ones. Literally I am just about to send off an app and my phone rings. It is private number and it is a recruiter who found my details on a database from over a year ago and was wondering if I am still available for work. She has an office in Newcastle and after I told her I was moving (potentially) she said that if I send her an updated CV she would be happy to send my details on and "take if from there". Do you think I have an answer to my big question yet?

You Know You Hate Your Job When....

• When you spend all day changing the master report, only to have the technicians not bother to use it and send you their reports with the old format and you then have to spend several days making changes to every single report they send through.
• You get in trouble for not remembering to ring a client to ask when they are going to pay their bill because you have been too busy re-formatting reports for a massive job that has gone over time and where we all need to "get it done faster".
• You get in trouble for not taking the tea towels home on a Friday to wash them, when it was allegedly in your agreement. This is interesting to you because you have been there for nearly a year and it is the first you heard of it and you don't even have an agreement as the only piece of paper they got you to sign was a tax file number declaration form.
• You are happy in the mornings until you look at the clock, realise it is 8am and you suddenly feel severely depressed.
• Your brand new heels already have scratch marks on them because you drag your feet up the stairs to the office because you really don't want to get inside.
• You countdown to 5pm as soon as you turn on your computer.
• You b**ch about work and the family members who run it to another girl at work who is only in once a week and spend a long lunch together in pure negative thinking.
• You no longer care about hiding the truth and openly browse through seek even though your boss is three metres away.
• You snap at your man as soon as you get home because every day is a bad day with more s**t dumped on you.
• You quietly shed a tear when the accounts lady (company "secretary" who is part of the family that owns the business) leaves cake on the table and says loud enough for everyone to hear "I'm sure Elissa will get stuck into it".
• You get in trouble for not purchasing luggage tags for an alleged work trip (try holiday), however the first you heard of it is when you got in trouble for not doing it.
• When the flickering light hasn't been fixed because the accounts lady (company "secretary") told you she was getting the electrician to fix it and then she comes in puts her hands on her hips and yells out, "Do you do anything I ask you to?" and you sit there clueless with no idea what you have done wrong until she informs you that you were meant to ask one of "the boys" to fix it.
• The male family member leans over the counter to allegedly discuss something with you but the only discussion he is having is with your cleavage.
• You have been asked to track every single minute you spend at work as "3 hours general duties" isn't good enough as they want to know what that is, so in spite you include "0.25 filling in timesheet" and fight the urge to put "0.25 excreting bodily fluids".
• You are standing next to another girl at work who has burst into tears and sobbing away and you are rubbing her back telling her it is ok, as she tells you that she has been told by the boss that if she doesn't get out of the office and get new business for the company her hours will be cut. This is interesting considering she is a scientist and employed as one and has never sold anything in her life and it is news to her, that is when you realise you are not the only one.
• You then find out that the other girl who works part time has been asked to do more hours so male member can be in the office more. This is interesting as crying member will have her hours cut back, and you realise family is cost cutting and none of them have a heart.
• You convince the non family member girls to find other jobs so you can all leave together and ensure you really screw over the family.
  
• You have chosen the date when you give your notice and you are counting down every minute until it happens.

Wow, this has all happened in the last few weeks, could the answer be any clearer?

Image: Flickr

So I've Started Looking....

For jobs, in the Hunter Valley, Newcastle, Central Coast region. This doesn't mean we have decided on anything, but just in case we do decide to move, I would rather have a job to go to straight away, then sit around not know what to do with myself and spending probably too many hours with FMIL. Just the two of us. I still have that fear. The Boy is afraid that I will become best friends with her and we will both gang up on him. I would prefer that actually, a partner in crime.

Anyway, so I have started looking, which means this weekend I need to spruce up my CV and update my cover letters and then start applying. This process might take a while, and I just want to put it out there, see if I get any bites. Maybe even some interviews. I'll be honest there is part of me that thinks if I get something then we are meant to move, and if I don't then we are meant to stay. I know that isn't true, we still need a lot of time to really think things through, but if I can get a few interviews and have some options, then it is only going to assist us is making the right decision I think. At least I will feel more secure if I do this.

I have mentioned this "situation" to a couple of people, just wondering what other people think. One person told me we would be downright stupid if we didn't do it and she would do it without thinking about it if she and her partner had the chance (and she is in the same situation as us, eagerly trying to buy their first place as well). The other person I mentioned it to, a woman in her early 40's, who is very wise and I could talk to her for hours (and I will mention does wonderful work on my face with her microdermabrasion machine - my one indulgence) told me "NO!" Why? Because of the potential that I might really ruin the relationship with FMIL and then The Boy would be in the middle. Then she tole me "You have to do it" after thinking about it some more because if we don't then FMIL may get offended as she doing it to help and that will just add tension to our relationship if we refuse that help, or as my darling wise friend told me "add 1 or 2 years of trying to repair the damage".

I am no closer to making a decision, but I do have more to think about. The Boy told "the boys" at work, who all told him he would be stupid to do it because I'll then become best friends with FMIL and that means he will effectively have two "mothers" telling him what to do, how to do it, and how he should be shaping the rest of his life. Personally I don't see how this is any different to our current situation ;)

So there is my weekend, more thinking, more journaling, a little job hunting and lots of quality time with The Boy.

Image: Flickr

What To Do

I am feeling a little melancholy today. The Boy and I spoke to my mum last night, we didn't mention anything about our potential living situation for the next 6 months, but we just listened to her briefly telling of her adventures in the NT and WA. She is not back for another 2 weeks, we then spoke to his mum and told her nothing would be decided for a while. We have both decided to to leave it for a few weeks, talking and thinking about it all the time was just causing us both unnecessary stress.

So today I have found myself thinking about what I want to do, basically with my life. I know what I want it to look like, but the actual "what am I doing to earn an income" part is always blank. If it isn't blank then it is always something new. There is no constant. I know I want to write, but not full time. I could not sit at a desk for 40 hours a week writing. I need people. So I don't know what to do. I feel how I felt when I finished uni, and that was 5.5 years ago now, and I feel frustrated that I am back here again.

I need to talk to The Boy, and I need to go back and do some serious journalling. Nail down what my skills and my gifts are and be guided by that. I need some direction, I have it in every other area of my life and I need to find it for the "career" section of my life. I don't know what I will find. Maybe further study, maybe study in a completely different field, and maybe SAHM will even pop up. I don't know, but I know I cannot continue being so aimless when it comes to work. Life is to short for me to be wasting up to 40 hours a week doing something I really don't want to do and am not passionate about.

I am a different person to the one when I left uni, and I have discovered new skills and gifts, but I haven't thought about how to use them. Now is the time to do that, if we are going to take a big leap of faith and have a little country adventure with the In Laws then I need to know what I am doing in life. I know I will find it, I just need to take the time on the weekend to sit in my favourite chair or on the bed with the sun streaming through, pull out the pink journal and just write, make lists, look at what I have achieved and find the common thread, look at my dreams, my secret hopes and find what it all connects to. Then I will know which path to take and which direction to follow. Then I can finally pursue a job that I can put everything into, my passion and desire, and be the best I can be.

Image: Flickr

Reasons To Stay

So why would I want to stay here in Sydney? What are the factors that would make me turn down this opportunity?

• Family. Obviously. I have lived in Sydney all my life never left it, and for most of that time I lived with my parents and brother. I have moved out but it has always been no more than a half hour car trip away. I would say that I am close to my family, but not in a traditional sense. My family has always been there for me and helped me when I needed it, and always showed me that they loved me. Aside from my parents and brother I also have my grandmother and grandfather here as well. And finally my friends, while not many in number, they are of the highest quality. If I want my mum I would have to spend 2 hours in the car trying to get to her. I can't just pop in for a chat. I feel safe here, and if I moved I think I would feel isolated, because I would only have The Boy and his parents that would be it. Sure we would make friends, but that takes time.

• Comfort zone. My comfort zone is here, I feel safe and relaxed, which is a good thing for my anxiety. I have pushed my comfort zone a lot in the last twelve months, I have moved in with The Boy, a first, I finally went away and left Sydney for a few weekends, something I had not done in about 5 years at least (due to anxiety), and I tried numerous new things like toastmasters and dancing. I just don't know if I need to keep pushing the boundaries. I think I could do with some stability and just enjoy my life, not pack it up again and move for 6 months, then move again.

• (Future) In Laws. If we move we will be living with his parents, in their house, with them and with his brother too when he bothers to actually come home. I love his parents, they love me, we all get along really well, if they didn't want me being with their son they would have done everything they could to break us up (which was done in the past with every other girlfriend) but they have done nothing but help us and are now offering us free rent. But can I do this? I am alpha female, can I put that part of me away for 6 months? I can be Passive Elissa on the weekends when we see them, but for 7 days a week for 6 months, it cannot be done. I'm not worried about his dad, as long as I don't have to listen to him every night of the week telling me how awful the world is and making me want to go out and shot myself. But his mum, the epitome of Alpha Female. We are either going to end up as best friends or the claws will come out. I hope it is best friend status, but I don't know. And that fear that we will end up in a massive fight and having The Boy right in the middle of it, is enough to make me want to just stay and not have to worry about it.

• The need for stability. The Boy and I have already moved twice in the last 12 months, neither of us really want to do it AGAIN. And then, if we do move, we will have to pack up and move in 6 months once we buy a house. That is moving 4 times in the space of 18 months. Not only that, but by the time we establish ourselves, make friends, have people in our local area know us, we will be moving again and into a completely new area an hour away. Where is the stability? When do I get to just sit back, relax, look around at my life and think, "Yes, it is beautiful". I cannot do that if I am moving and turning my life upside down, twice in 6 months, not to mention the fact that is has already been turned upside down after meeting The Boy. I need some constants in my life. Change is good, but there is definitely a thing as too much change.

• Steady income. If we move, I could potentially be in a position where I do not earn an income. It will take time to find another job and if we move while I am looking then there will be a period of time, that maybe be a week or could even turn into months, where I will earn nothing. Which means it is all up to The Boy to provide for our lives and put all the extra money into the savings account. It would also mean that my debt would go nowhere as I would not allow him to pay it. I earned it, I can get rid of it myself. And if that is the case, what would be the point in moving? At least if I stay I can look for another job and once I have one secured, then give notice where I am, and at least my loan would get paid consistently. Maybe not as quickly as it could be, but it would still get done. If we stay, there is no risk, and I can maintain my independence. I have never relied on a man to pay my way, I like to pay my own way, sure down the track if we have children it will be different, but I honestly would not be comfortable with it at this stage in my life. It is a big step and our relationship is ready for it, but I personally am not.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. It is still the early days, I am sure I will add to this list and the other as we think more about it. Nothing will be decided until we talk to my parents when they get back from their outback adventure in 3 weeks. Until then The Boy and I need to keep discussing the pros and cons and try also to not think about it and realise we are alive and take time out to enjoy that.

Image: Flickr

Is That An Answer?

Work. I don't hide the fact that my current role is a paycheck and not a career. I work hard, I do all that is asked of me to a high standard and am always efficient. But that is as far as it goes. I have no ambition to pursue my current field. Lately I have been questioning whether to stay or move on. Maybe it is time to go out and get into the scientific world (and actually use that Biology degree I spent three years obtaining). I didn't take that path at the time for a reason, instead I choose what was already familiar and it lead me on a very wild journey to rock bottom and back again. It was also a journey where I finally found out who I was and what I was good at and knowing there was nothing wrong with being proud of my abilities.

But now, I think it is time to change paths again. I feel I am finally making progress on the life I dream of, and working in this job does not fit that picture. So here I was sitting at my desk, doing the work, but also thinking, should I move on?

And what happens? Some random guy walks in who was cleary on drugs or with a strong addiction and was needing a hit or something, and asks to speak to whoever was in charge. The female boss said "I am." He wanted a male. He was informed it was her or nothing. He decided to yell out every swear word possible, I am sure there was one or two I have never heard and then he pounded his fist down on the counter. I sat there frozen and terrified.

Fortunately he left after his fist pounding, storming out yellowing and slamming the door, and I was left with a racing heart and severe shaking. It is a small office in a small office block, anyone can just walk in, and with no men around (most days anyway) it would be easy for something to happen. The female boss asked if I was ok. I nodded, and she told me that if I was ever in here alone (as I sometimes am) to just lock the front door. I will be doing that every time now.

So, is that my answer? I could be reading into it waaaaayyyy to much, but then it is a very random thing to do. We are not a shop front on a highway, but tucked away from the main road and down a very steep driveway. You would have to know these offices existed to come into them. Very random indeed.

Naturally I called The Boy to make me feel better. Of course he affirmed what I was already thinking. That yes I should begin searching elsewhere. We are going to talk about it tonight, I sense another weekend of thinking will be coming up. Or not, as I am quite sure I have already found my answer, just need to work on the how.

Image: Flickr

I Almost Cried Today

At work, fortunately no one was in to see it. I have only cried once at work before, and that was when I was working in real estate. I was told by my boss that I was never going to pass probation unless I worked harder. I was already doing 6 days a week and staying back at night. I burst into tears in front of him and he told me to take the afternoon off to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I couldn't work for him anymore as he was lying to clients, cheating them, had no integrity and was conducting real estate in numerous illegal ways. However, I stuck it out and passed probation and two weeks later I gave him my notice. Because I passed it meant he couldn't get back the $6,500 he paid the agency for me. Hehe, that's what happens when you do the wrong thing!

Anyway, so today I was told to make a few phone calls. I knew it was out of my "job description", but no drama, I don't mind making phone calls, but I do mind when I know I only have about 5% of the information to make the call. Still I had to do what I was told and I made the first call. The woman on the other end of the line was very rude and asked me questions I couldn't answer. When I told her I didn't know she told me she couldn't help me as I didn't give her enough information. Fair enough, but it was no excuse for her rudeness. I hung up and told my boss what happened and he told me he would call her but I was to call the other people. That was when the eyes began to well.

I don't know why I let that silly woman and my boss bother me so much, but they did. It was probably a mixture of many thing outside of work, but her rudeness and knowing I had to face it again sent me over the edge. I sat at my desk feeling my swollen eyes and bit my lip as it began to quiver. I called The Boy. I love that man, he calmed me down, told me what to do and reassured me that yes I should be treated better and that yes I was too good to work here. I know I am, but I have my reasons for staying here. The home loan for one, and also because I am going back to uni next year or the year after. But today I just wondered if it was worth it.

However I do not think changing is worth it either. I have a lot to think about, and he told me we could discuss it tonight. There are many reasons to stay and many to go. I just wish I already had the life I am working towards, but I suppose the journey just makes you stronger. If dreams were easy we would all be living them out. But they are not, they are hard and require time and effort and require you to do things you don't want to do. This job is one of them. I have to do it even though I don't to because doing it is only going to bring me closer to some of those dreams I want. The few that I really really want that are in the top 3 of my dreams.

As it turns out my boss called me back about twenty minutes later to tell me not to make anymore calls, he would come back to the office and do it himself as it was above me. I knew that, I knew it the moment I found out I had to make those calls. Anyway, I should hit publish before he gets back, and get back to doing the stuff I am paid to do. Which is mainly being on call for when some real work actually needs to be done ;)

Image: Flickr