Mystery Box Test

Amanda over at L-Plates is having Masterchef withdrawals (aren't we all) and has therefore decided to have a Mystery Box Test. I have decided to take part, and with the list of 10 ingredients, I used 6 of them (couldn't get sage anywhere, which reminds me to start that herb garden!). So I present to you Chicken Breast wrapped in Prosciutto severed with Garlic Potatoes and steamed Green Beans.

Firstly I cut the potatoes up and boiled them for 5 minutes. While they were boiling away I put a shallow pan of olive oil and crushed garlic into the oven. After the 5 minutes, drain the potatoes and take the pan out of the oven, and separate the garlic from the oil (otherwise it will burn and start popping all over the oven), just be careful because it is hot. Coat the potatoes in the oil and cook in the oven.

Coat the chicken breast with a little melted butter and place that in the oven also. My oven was on around 180 (fan forced) and I cooked the potatoes and chicken for around 20 minutes, remember to turn the potatoes and chicken half way through.

Lay out the prosciutto on the chopping board and when the chicken in cooked place it at the bottom and roll the prosciutto around it (this was the point I would have added my sage leaves). Secure with a toothpick (or extra butter) and place in a hot pan for a minute each side, until the prosciutto is crispy. Serve with the garlic potatoes and steamed green beans.

I will admit when it comes to cooking I usually just stick with the simple stuff and what I know. Cooking the way I did last night doesn't come naturally to me at all, but I am glad I gave it a go because I have a lot more confidence now and am ready to take my cooking to the next level (oh how Masterchef of me). If you are up to the challenge check out Amanda's blog, you have until Friday (and let me know to, I am sure you will inspire me).

The Football

We have had a very very busy weekend and I am still trying to recover. On Saturday we went to the football. I knew this was a big deal so I did buy a new top and cardi just for the occasion. However that wasn't all. We planned to leave at around 2:30pm, so at 12pm it was time to get ready. I pulled out the emjoy to spruce up my legs, then it was a quick shower to apply a hair mask then as I was waiting for it to work it's magic I made up some more banana bread as a gift for The Boy's dad who was celebrating his birthday and the reason why we were going up on Sunday. Once that was in the oven, it was back into the shower for a full body scrub then applied lotion, and dried my hair, then straightened my hair, then applied make up. Finally just after 2 I was ready to get dressed.

I had bought some "control undies" on Thursday night. In a rush I just bought them and didn't try them on because they were in the next size up anyway I thought they would be fine. I could barely get them over my knees. The Boy offered to stretch them out for me. Unfortunately I am not allowed to disclose how, but he did, I managed to get them on, and as soon as I sat down I could hardly breathe. Sure I know that is the point of them, and it made me loose about 2 dress sizes, but I decided to go for comfort instead. Luckily I had bought a brand new skirt that morning to wear just in case I didn't want to wear the control undies (ok so I was a little obsessed about it all). Once dressed we were right on time so we left.

We decided to drive because work was paying for parking (ah!! Must give The Boy the receipt for that). The gates were opening at 3:15pm and that was the time we were told to be there. Our gate was the members area, and we walked in and had to go to level 5. At level 5 we were told to go to the "Olympians Room". As we walked down a corridor we found the door and were greeted by several wait staff with trays and trays of drinks. A man in a suit greeted us and The Boy and I just stood there not saying a word because we were convinced we were in the wrong area. This was not a corporate box, this was a corporate room. The room was filled with about 20-ish tables, all seating around 10 people, and all laid out for a three course meal. The Boy handed the man our tickets as with both looked at each other. The man confirmed we were in the right spot and showed us to our table and offered us a drink. We stood at the table taking it all in. So this is how the other side lives. I could get used to this. This is my idea of watching a football game.
We were the first to arrive and we just sat on the edges of the seat careful not to touch anything, neither of us quite believing we were in the right spot. The game was bulldogs vs eels. We were surrounded by bulldogs sponsors (except for his company who had a connection to some head guy at the nrl or something like that). I am an eels supporter. Actually I will re-phrase that. I was an eels supporter, until nearly every nrl player decided to get drunk, treat women as objects and make a mess in the hallway of a hotel. But that is for another post altogether.

The GM then arrived with his wife. Two very lovely people and then everyone else at our table arrived also. After all the introductions we were then treated to crispy skin smoked salmon with avocado and mango salad. Then at 5 pm (fortunately we didn't have lunch due to going out for breakfast, although we assumed we would be eating finger food). We were treated to a nice piece of steak with fennel and caper salad and potato. During this course some woman from an abc radio station was the mc and there were a few players/ex players, and she interviewed them. I had no idea who they were, but the current players were strutting around like they were the best thing on earth and had people getting their photo with them. I nearly tapped one on the shoulder to ask who he was, but The Boy didn't think that was appropriate.

After that it was out to the covered seating to actually watch the game. The eels scored a try, but now that I was out there I forgot about being on my best behaviour and that I don't support nrl and yelled out and cheered for them. Most people looked at me with death stares because, you know, it was the seating for all the corporate sponsors. But fortunately the GM and his wife laughed and thought it was hilarious, The Boy then decided to wipe his terrified look off his face and laughed with them.

At half time we then walked back in and were treated to coffee and pecan puddings with fresh cream and caramel sauce as well as some Aussie nba basketball star being interviewed. I didn't know who he was either, but he was there with Andrew Bogut. Finally, someone I actually knew of!

Then it was back outside for the second half. The Boy thought it was best if we sat away from the majority of people. Probably a good thing considering the eels won. We went back inside and said goodbye as everyone went their separate ways, and as we walked out of the room I turned back for one last glance at the good life and began wondering what business could I start so that I could do this every weekend. (Although probably more likely a soccer team than nrl, unless you know, those boys that play the game decide to actually start acting like men. Then pigs really would fly!)

Peace At Mum's House

I went to Mum's for lunch. It is amazing that she went away for 4 weeks and I survived without her. She hasn't even been back a week and already I have been to see her 4 times. I went around because I was sitting at my desk and I started getting all panicky. Yes The A Word appeared and I knew I had to do something before I had a full blown panic attack. So I went around to mum's and 45 minutes later I feel great.

As soon as I walked in she offered to give lunch. She took out two muffins from the freezer (one tuna and one bacon) and heated them up for me while I sat at the kitchen counter and we just talked. I talked about last night, and about our plans, both short and long term, and what she thought about them. I was only there for about half an hour, but in that time I was calmed down almost instantly and felt like myself again.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I don't think PMS has helped though. It is weird because usually with PMS I get cranky and moody as well as a little female dog like and snappy, and little things effect me more, but I never cry. However for the last few months I have cried consistently, and last night I cried. I cried because I am feeling trapped in my current work situation and I was having a nice big pity party asking the world what have I done, haven't I suffered enough. Mum copped it first, then The Boy. Both of them told me to suck it up. The three words I dislike the most. Sure I could have "sucked it up" but instead I choose to cry and yell louder.

Eventually I went and gave myself a little time out, so I could listen to some music and write in my journal. That helped and then I went to the shops to find a top. I meet The Boy there and after I found the perfect top and cardi (and it was the first thing I tried on, that never happens!) we had a much needed D&M and everything is better now. I am so fortunate to have him in my life. He really does make everything better.

I don't know what it was though that set me off today. Last night, stress about the new meds (because I really don't know what effect they will have), frustration at my job, and probably being impatient with next year's plans. Whatever it was I feel much better now. The Boy and I had decided what direction we were going to take. But when it came down to it, one part of the plan was not what I wanted. So we were kind of back to the beginning. I thought what I wanted couldn't be achieved, so in my head I suggested my back up plan. But the reality is I don't like my back up plan. However, with a little research my dreams can become true and it is so clear in front of me now, why I thought it was impossible I'll never know. All will be revealed soon. Maybe in September.....

Any Advice?

The Boy has been offered a promotion at work, and everyone has signed off on it, except for the CEO, who is sunning himself overseas somewhere, but as soon as he is back he will sign and The Boy will officially be promoted. This is great news of course and I am soooo proud of him. He does work extremely hard and always goes outside what he has to, to get the work done. His promotion is a reward for all the effort he puts in. In the last few weeks he has started to do the work of the new role, and everyone now knows about the promotion. Naturally when someone gets promoted, there are people that don't like it.

For the last few weeks a few of the boys have been treating him differently. They have been rude and have actively excluded him from certain things and are generally acting immature and rude. I assured The Boy that they were jealous because either they have not been promoted or they were promoted but it took them three times as long as it has taken The Boy.

Yesterday he was not invited to a meeting. I told him it was probably because he was too busy and they didn't want to waste his time by having him attend a sales meeting from a supplier which is a total waste of time anyway.

Well guess what. I was right! Today the General Manager called him over for a chat. He told The Boy that he was very impressed with the work he had been doing, particularly with regards to safety and he appreciated all of his effort, and as a token of his appreciation, he wanted to invite The Boy and his partner to join him and several other people from management to the football this weekend in the corporate box all food and drink catered for.

So, does anyone have any advice for me as to what I am supposed to do? I have no experience in these things, so I am not sure what to I do. What do I wear? I know I should be myself, but I'm not sure what to say? I've never been in this situation before so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Image: Flickr

Literary CV

Hooray!! I finally pulled out my 2kg manuscript and actually opened it. Then I even plugged my USB into the computer hit CTRL F typed "You are here" and I was off. It felt nice to be back into it. Not so nice to take myself back to that point in my life, but to be editing again felt good. It has been almost 6 weeks after all.

It also reminded me of how much I have to do. Leading up to today I have been doing some reading about writing and getting published etc, and I found in one of my emails about a competition and first prize is $10,000 and guaranteed publication. I felt like it was Christmas, what if I won? How good would that be. So I researched further and one of the things that needs to be included is my Literary CV. My what?

Clearly I don't have one. A Literary is CV is your CV but instead of listing your jobs, you list all the competitions you have won or were short listed for, your publications, contributions etc. I was aware of the need for this 3 years ago when I began on my manuscript so I entered two competitions. The first one nothing happened, and the second one I came second. I was so excited about that, I was calling everyone, waving the piece of paper around, and jumping around the house. I even laminated it to stick on my wall as inspiration. I thought "Yes, I am a writer" and then I thought I had better get to work on perfecting my manuscript for publication and then I kind of forget about entering competitions altogether.

Well as of today that has stopped. I won't be ready to have a chance at the $10,000 this year, but next year, absolutely. So it is off to work on building up my Lit CV. I have just sent off for two comps already, a short story and a poem, and my goal now for the rest of the year is to write a short story or poem every fortnight and send it off somewhere.

Hopefully in one year I will have a Lit CV at least a couple of pages long, and a very completed and very publishable manuscript.

Have You Discovered?

The Red Deer? Just one visit and you will be hooked, but make sure you wipe up your drool after you see her gorgeous creations. Also don't forget to follow and enter the giveaway. You have until Thursday.

Image: The Red Deer

We Have Decided To Stay

After many weeks discussing what we should do and exploring all our options, we had decided we were going to move. However nothing was final until we discussed with my parents our decision. They had been away for four weeks doing a tour from Darwin to Perth and arrived back on Saturday. It was so great to see them and it really made me realise just how much I had missed them. I went around on Saturday to see them (The Boy was at work till 2pm) with my carrot cake and lemon cream cheese frosting I had made just for the occasion (and I might add I have never made frosting with cream cheese before but I loved it and will be doing in again) and we had lunch and just kept going. The Boy turned up and we gave mum her belated b'day present which she loved and then it was onto the photos. It was a great way to spend the day just with The Boy and my parents and brother and seeing all the photos they took and listening to all the stories they had.

On Sunday we went out to lunch with them and when we got back home we sat at the table to discuss things. We had a very lengthy discussion and a lot was talked about and mum showed us some other possibilities we had not even thought about, and it was those that made us decide to stay. We have a definite plan for the next couple of years and I think we both feel really good about it. My shrink had told me to go with my gut, and after talking with my parents my heart was telling me to stay, and it really is the best thing for us at the moment. I could spoil everything and reveal all, but I won't. Hopefully I can have a few more answers in September.

Last night and even this morning I was thinking a lot. In the last 12 months I have really grown up. Which is interesting because I thought that I was all grown up and acting like an adult already. But I don't think I was. I think I was still holding onto my adolescence. I really have grown up so much and changed. I am still the same person at my core, but a few of my values have moved around on my list of priorities. My priorities have changed, there are something I just don't care about now, and others I do care about now that I had disregarded in the past. As a result a lot of my goals have changed, a few have even been put on hold and some are now more urgent that ever before.

For the first time I feel that I am happy and comfortable with where I am right now and were I am going. And the best thing of all is that I have an amazing man right by my side taking every new and exciting step with me. Life does not get any better than that.

Image: Flickr

Plan B

It would have been naive of me to turn up at my Shrink's, expecting her to give me an answer as to what we should do. We discussed the pros and cons of both, and she told me to go with my instinct. I told her that at the end of the day I wanted to do what was best for my health and that I wanted to still get off the meds. She told me if my health was my number one priority then I have to change my meds.

This is nothing new. My Dr has been trying to get me to change for 18 months now, and so has my Shrink but I have always refused. I didn't want to change because to me the answer was getting off them and I saw changing as pointless in achieving my goal. I have been on the meds for over 2.5 years now (3 years in Dec) and I was told (warned) that the most common side effect was weight gain due to increased appetite, and that it is common for patients to gain up to 30kg in two years and it was virtually impossible to loose weight on this medication. In my stubbornness I didn't listen and was adamant it wouldn't effect me and if I did gain a few kg I would just lose it again. Well it turns out the medical professionals were right, because I have successfully gained 25 kg the entire time I have been taking them. Congrats to me.

It wasn't for lack of trying, I do eat well, I just eat a lot of it. It doesn't matter what program I do, they all want me to eat 1500 cals a day, and these meds are like a compulsion where I have to eat at least 2000 - 2500 cals a day. I am just always hungry all of the time. The Dr and Shrink both told me all of their patients on these particular meds have gained weight and that 20 - 30kg is COMMON!! Why did I not listen?

The new meds are very similar, they work on the same pathways (it works on noradrenaline to minimise/reduce/delay the effects of anxiety, such as panic attacks etc). However the new meds have a side effect of weight loss!! Why they never put me on this in the first place I will never know (well I was in hospital so it was all done without my GP to begin with that could be why).

So next week should be interesting. Ideally I won't notice anything in "the changeover" but then I might experience some nasty stuff for a few weeks. I suppose time will tell. As for the weight I am going to be realistic. I am not going to rely on these meds to magically remove the extra 25kg. All I am hoping for is that they will reduce my appetite so I not longer feel the need to eat ALL the time, and then I can just naturally eat 1500 - 1800 cals a day anyway and see the weight very slowly fall off.

As for a timeframe we are thinking 12 months. I am trying to focus on the positives which is that we have an end point. Over a year ago there was no end point it was looking to be a lifelong thing. So I am happy. It wasn't part of my plan, but neither was potentially leaving Sydney and going back to uni next year either. I am just hoping they work just as well and that I can keep focusing on my health and doing what I need to do so that in 12 months I can be med free. That is the goal.

Image: Flickr

The Answer Cannot Be Any More Obvious

I am sitting here, going through seek applying for jobs and looking for new ones. Literally I am just about to send off an app and my phone rings. It is private number and it is a recruiter who found my details on a database from over a year ago and was wondering if I am still available for work. She has an office in Newcastle and after I told her I was moving (potentially) she said that if I send her an updated CV she would be happy to send my details on and "take if from there". Do you think I have an answer to my big question yet?

Afternoon Tea

I am now in the habit of baking on Sunday's. Usually I do muffins or a cake, all made from scratch, so The Boy and I have something to take to work along with our fruit. On Sunday afternoon I was having my lovely friend Miss K over for a catch up. It was my first time entertaining in The Penthouse that didn't involve family, so I decided to make something a little different.
A few weeks ago I found the AWW cookbook The Country Table and as soon as I opened it up I knew I had to have it. So I flipped through it on Saturday and decided on honey jumbles. Interestingly this recipe didn't involve any honey at all but instead used golden syrup. The team behind the cookbook suggested the prep and cook time was around 25 minutes. How about two hours instead! I don't often make biscuits I'll admit, usually if I do I buy a log and use a knife to make biscuits. The only exception to this is making my gingerbread cookies, but these "honey" jumbles were much more involved than the humble gingerbread (although the end result was slightly similar in taste).

As usual I successfully managed to make a mess in the kitchen, even though I was washing up as I went I couldn't help getting flour all over the bench and floor. An hour before my friend was due it was time to make the icing (I had actually planned to make biscuits and cake but ran out of time). The AWW listed how to make the icing. It was 1 1/2 cups of icing sugar, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice and 1 tablespoon of flour. We only had 1/2 cup of icing sugar in the cupboard so The Boy was forced to go out and buy some more. When he returned I only had about 20 minutes, so without thinking I made up the icing sugar as per the recipe. I iced four of them and tasted the icing and spat it out. The flour gave it an almost soapy taste and was awful! I had no idea why they suggested flour because it was just wrong. With fifteen minutes to go we had to start again. I just went for icing sugar, water and vanilla essence, and of course, pink food colouring and this time it turned out brilliantly.
The icing was a little runny, but it did give the jumbles a home made feel (that and my lack of ability to make them look the same) they were a huge success and tasted amazing. I will definitely be making them again and the recipe was fantastic. Better than the ones in the shop, much more flavour and still very soft in the middle.

We did have some left over to take to work the next day. Of course The Boy was told at work that next time I need to use blue icing if he is to ever bring in home made food again.

So What Is Happening With The A Word?

The A Word. What can I say. Up until FMIL's offer, it was doing great, so great that my shrink told me that my goal for the next 6 months was to focus on my health so I could get off the meds. 12 months ago my shrink told me I may have to face that fact that I could be on them for life. Then I suddenly see the finishing line in front of me, only 6 more months and med free, and then.....

I am now faced with a decision about whether to pack up my entire life and start again. This does not help the A word. In fact I have done a 120 (not quite at 180 yet) and am very anxious again. I have gone back to old patterns and habits, and unhelpful thoughts are now swimming around my headspace again. Just when I thought I had dealt with it all and would never have to go through all the b/s again, it all comes back. Just trying to make the decision is causing it, and then when I think, lets do it, lets move, it gets worse. I think about everything that could go wrong and all the changes I have to make and it makes the anxiety symptoms come on strong.

Like this morning, The Boy and I had an "argument". I made an innocent, non judgemental comment, but apparently they way I said it was judgmental and hence we "debated" for 40 minutes this morning over the phone. Naturally we resolved it, but it made me anxious, and flooded me with lots of unhelpful thoughts. I resolved that we cannot move, because what if we have a fight, who can I turn to? No one! What if FMIL gets involved, then what happens? What if The Boy had to choose between us? What if I accidentally told her to **** off and mind her own business, what would happen then? Anxiety that is what happens! Major panic attacks, and just thinking about it makes me jittery, and I think, no we are not going to move, and then I get anxious again because I don't want to stay where I am now anymore.

Then there is the issue of money. Apparently it doesn't matter if I don't have a job when we move (assuming that is the decision we make) because The Boy can "provide for me". He can "sustain" me until I get a job. Ok, so this is probably the dream of a lot of girls/women, and when I was a little girl it was my dream too, and when I first started working it was my goal, but I have been an "Independent Princess" for several years now, and have never relied on any man to provide for me. I can look after myself thank you very much. Sure, down the track when I am pregnant/have a newborn I can do it, but now? Of course The Boy isn't just "any man". He is The Man I am spending my life with, but I am really struggling to get my head around this concept. The thought of having to rely on him to "look after" me is sending my anxiety right up.

So I am just left feeling more confused. Still no closer to a decision, but wishing I was back in a different headspace. Hoping I can still begin 2010 med free. I'm seeing The Shrink tomorrow, hopefully I'll gain some clarity and some peace and that all is not yet lost.

Image: Flickr

You Know You Hate Your Job When....

• When you spend all day changing the master report, only to have the technicians not bother to use it and send you their reports with the old format and you then have to spend several days making changes to every single report they send through.
• You get in trouble for not remembering to ring a client to ask when they are going to pay their bill because you have been too busy re-formatting reports for a massive job that has gone over time and where we all need to "get it done faster".
• You get in trouble for not taking the tea towels home on a Friday to wash them, when it was allegedly in your agreement. This is interesting to you because you have been there for nearly a year and it is the first you heard of it and you don't even have an agreement as the only piece of paper they got you to sign was a tax file number declaration form.
• You are happy in the mornings until you look at the clock, realise it is 8am and you suddenly feel severely depressed.
• Your brand new heels already have scratch marks on them because you drag your feet up the stairs to the office because you really don't want to get inside.
• You countdown to 5pm as soon as you turn on your computer.
• You b**ch about work and the family members who run it to another girl at work who is only in once a week and spend a long lunch together in pure negative thinking.
• You no longer care about hiding the truth and openly browse through seek even though your boss is three metres away.
• You snap at your man as soon as you get home because every day is a bad day with more s**t dumped on you.
• You quietly shed a tear when the accounts lady (company "secretary" who is part of the family that owns the business) leaves cake on the table and says loud enough for everyone to hear "I'm sure Elissa will get stuck into it".
• You get in trouble for not purchasing luggage tags for an alleged work trip (try holiday), however the first you heard of it is when you got in trouble for not doing it.
• When the flickering light hasn't been fixed because the accounts lady (company "secretary") told you she was getting the electrician to fix it and then she comes in puts her hands on her hips and yells out, "Do you do anything I ask you to?" and you sit there clueless with no idea what you have done wrong until she informs you that you were meant to ask one of "the boys" to fix it.
• The male family member leans over the counter to allegedly discuss something with you but the only discussion he is having is with your cleavage.
• You have been asked to track every single minute you spend at work as "3 hours general duties" isn't good enough as they want to know what that is, so in spite you include "0.25 filling in timesheet" and fight the urge to put "0.25 excreting bodily fluids".
• You are standing next to another girl at work who has burst into tears and sobbing away and you are rubbing her back telling her it is ok, as she tells you that she has been told by the boss that if she doesn't get out of the office and get new business for the company her hours will be cut. This is interesting considering she is a scientist and employed as one and has never sold anything in her life and it is news to her, that is when you realise you are not the only one.
• You then find out that the other girl who works part time has been asked to do more hours so male member can be in the office more. This is interesting as crying member will have her hours cut back, and you realise family is cost cutting and none of them have a heart.
• You convince the non family member girls to find other jobs so you can all leave together and ensure you really screw over the family.
  
• You have chosen the date when you give your notice and you are counting down every minute until it happens.

Wow, this has all happened in the last few weeks, could the answer be any clearer?

Image: Flickr

Welcome Holly and No Pressure

Last week The Boy's Sister gave birth to a beautiful girl they have named Holly. A tiny 7 pounds but absolutely gorgeous. We have not had the chance to meet her yet as she is all the way up in Coffs Harbour but hopefully soon we can. In the meantime we have sent up a gift. I'll be honest I have never really had to buy for a newborn before. All my married/de facto friends don't have children, and neither do any of my cousins that I see, so this was a new experience for me.

Holly is a size 00000, we couldn't find anything in that size, but we did get a 0000 pink jumpsuit and a 000 purple one and a 000 pack of three, which are short sleeved and we figure she will be big enough for them in the summer. I couldn't resist getting the matching socks though, and even though The Boy and I had no idea what we were doing in the Babyswear department at DJ's, I think we have done well. We also got a little something for his sister too because looking after a newborn is a huge job.

Shopping for babies clothes with The Boy was a new and interesting experience. We are in the stage of life where everyone is asking "When are you getting married?" I want to say "When we bloody feel like it and is it ok with you if we decide to focus on other priorities right now, or you could just mind your own business unless you want me asking if you are pregnant." But I just smile and say "Sometime in the next two years." Of course once we get married everyone will then be asking "When are you going to start having children." Well, that may have already started.

The Boy was on the phone to FMIL asking about what size clothes to get for Holly, and FMIL tells us 00000 and then mentions that his sister is going to put away all her baby stuff, her cot, clothes, toys, everything. FOR US. That's right, for us to use in the future. Apparently we are next. Holly is her second and no more planned so apparently The Boy and I are next. How soon is this meant to occur I wonder. We have talked about it, but it is always something in the future, we haven't even assigned a timeline to the process, which is what we do with everything.

I'm not going to worry about it though, I have bigger things to put my attention onto, but I know it will happen someday. Both The Boy and I were making funny faces at all the tiny little clothes. Making "awwww" sounds and "it's so cute". Then kissing and cuddling and suddenly "I want a baby" popped out. It was a side of him I had never seen before, right in front of me he became broody. I must admit I liked it, but once the clothes had been put in a bag and we walked out of there, I could feel myself start to breath quite fast, so I took him off to EB and purchased an xbox game and let him be a boy for the rest of the afternoon. No need to make the future happen right away. I think we should both work out where we are going to live before we bring up the "B" word again.

So I've Started Looking....

For jobs, in the Hunter Valley, Newcastle, Central Coast region. This doesn't mean we have decided on anything, but just in case we do decide to move, I would rather have a job to go to straight away, then sit around not know what to do with myself and spending probably too many hours with FMIL. Just the two of us. I still have that fear. The Boy is afraid that I will become best friends with her and we will both gang up on him. I would prefer that actually, a partner in crime.

Anyway, so I have started looking, which means this weekend I need to spruce up my CV and update my cover letters and then start applying. This process might take a while, and I just want to put it out there, see if I get any bites. Maybe even some interviews. I'll be honest there is part of me that thinks if I get something then we are meant to move, and if I don't then we are meant to stay. I know that isn't true, we still need a lot of time to really think things through, but if I can get a few interviews and have some options, then it is only going to assist us is making the right decision I think. At least I will feel more secure if I do this.

I have mentioned this "situation" to a couple of people, just wondering what other people think. One person told me we would be downright stupid if we didn't do it and she would do it without thinking about it if she and her partner had the chance (and she is in the same situation as us, eagerly trying to buy their first place as well). The other person I mentioned it to, a woman in her early 40's, who is very wise and I could talk to her for hours (and I will mention does wonderful work on my face with her microdermabrasion machine - my one indulgence) told me "NO!" Why? Because of the potential that I might really ruin the relationship with FMIL and then The Boy would be in the middle. Then she tole me "You have to do it" after thinking about it some more because if we don't then FMIL may get offended as she doing it to help and that will just add tension to our relationship if we refuse that help, or as my darling wise friend told me "add 1 or 2 years of trying to repair the damage".

I am no closer to making a decision, but I do have more to think about. The Boy told "the boys" at work, who all told him he would be stupid to do it because I'll then become best friends with FMIL and that means he will effectively have two "mothers" telling him what to do, how to do it, and how he should be shaping the rest of his life. Personally I don't see how this is any different to our current situation ;)

So there is my weekend, more thinking, more journaling, a little job hunting and lots of quality time with The Boy.

Image: Flickr

What To Do

I am feeling a little melancholy today. The Boy and I spoke to my mum last night, we didn't mention anything about our potential living situation for the next 6 months, but we just listened to her briefly telling of her adventures in the NT and WA. She is not back for another 2 weeks, we then spoke to his mum and told her nothing would be decided for a while. We have both decided to to leave it for a few weeks, talking and thinking about it all the time was just causing us both unnecessary stress.

So today I have found myself thinking about what I want to do, basically with my life. I know what I want it to look like, but the actual "what am I doing to earn an income" part is always blank. If it isn't blank then it is always something new. There is no constant. I know I want to write, but not full time. I could not sit at a desk for 40 hours a week writing. I need people. So I don't know what to do. I feel how I felt when I finished uni, and that was 5.5 years ago now, and I feel frustrated that I am back here again.

I need to talk to The Boy, and I need to go back and do some serious journalling. Nail down what my skills and my gifts are and be guided by that. I need some direction, I have it in every other area of my life and I need to find it for the "career" section of my life. I don't know what I will find. Maybe further study, maybe study in a completely different field, and maybe SAHM will even pop up. I don't know, but I know I cannot continue being so aimless when it comes to work. Life is to short for me to be wasting up to 40 hours a week doing something I really don't want to do and am not passionate about.

I am a different person to the one when I left uni, and I have discovered new skills and gifts, but I haven't thought about how to use them. Now is the time to do that, if we are going to take a big leap of faith and have a little country adventure with the In Laws then I need to know what I am doing in life. I know I will find it, I just need to take the time on the weekend to sit in my favourite chair or on the bed with the sun streaming through, pull out the pink journal and just write, make lists, look at what I have achieved and find the common thread, look at my dreams, my secret hopes and find what it all connects to. Then I will know which path to take and which direction to follow. Then I can finally pursue a job that I can put everything into, my passion and desire, and be the best I can be.

Image: Flickr