Banging My Head Against A Brick Wall

This is what is causing me so much joy and so much pain at the same time.

I logged onto blogger this morning, and I did this whole post about my nightmare weekend. But I thought, maybe I shouldn't post it. It was very angry and bitter and I really should keep things happy and positive. But I can't. I just received an email from someone and I could honestly bang my head against the wall right now. I've had to call The Boy to get him to deal with it cos I am too emotional right now and if I call her up it would end in verbal abuse.

What can I say, the shit has hit the fan. Here I was in la la land, thinking we found the perfect house, on the close to perfect block (the perfect block would be someone in tropical Queensland with ocean views and palm trees). And I was just swanning about with everything falling into place. We wanted air con, it was added to the tender, no drama. We found a conveyancer. So easy. Our house lady is so helpful. Why would anything bad happen? Because it has too, because life is not about holding hands and skipping down the street singing songs in perfect harmony, life is about everything falling into place and then blowing up in your face!

It started with the weekend. No it started with The Bank. We picked one that best suited our needs and what do you know, The Boy's parents know the NSW manager! So we thought, sweet, even though he was 2 hours away we took all our paperwork to go and have a nice little chat. He told us what we wanted to hear. He photocopied the relevant documents and we walked out smiling. He told us once we made our choice it would all be so easy. That he would draw up the contract and we would come in to sign.

Bulls**t!!!!! We were supposed to see him on Saturday. But he decided not to work, so we were seeing, let's call her B*t*h-Face. We called to advise we were late while on the freeway and she told us she didn't need us to come in! We could have spent the day in bed listening to the rain and watching DVD's instead of getting up early to get onto the freeway along with every other person in Sydney. LOVELY! She just needed me to scan and send one piece of information to her. So we turned around and did that.

Today she emails me a list of 9 separate bullet points of what she needs. I have no idea why we are now dealing with her, and what annoys me most of all, is that half this stuff we already gave to the first guy, and the other half he told us he didn't need! We had it all with us when we made the 2 hour trip to see him. What the crap is going on now? So now my stress levels have gone right up.

Which takes me back to the weekend. As we assumed we would be going to the bank, we thought we would drive down to the coast from the bank to watch the Mariners game (Soccer) which at 5pm as were in the car heading towards Gosford, they decided TO CANCEL! It was FMIL b'day the next day so that night we went up there, as there was no point going home. The Brother now has his girlfriend and her daughter (from another relationship) living there, and she has taken over, and the two spare rooms are now used as the daughter's bedroom and their own private TV room. Which meant The Boy and I were forced to sleep on a sofa bed in the shed, with a fan which did nothing to give us fresh air. I am still tired from the only hour of sleep I managed to obtain on Saturday night.

Then on Sunday The Boy decided to tell his mum exactly what he thought about some stuff which caused a giant fight in front of me and two other people (this woman does not understand the word private) which made for a lovely day. I have had to spend the last three weekends with FMIL and I have had enough. She has a very strong personality that I can only handle in small doses, as much as I love the woman.

So that is where I am at now. Displaying severe stress symptoms and now facing the true reality of what it means to buy a house and all the crap that goes along with it. Not to mention trying to set boundaries with FMIL who has never had anyone set boundaries with her before. Trying to prepare myself for the interview with the dream job I mentioned ages ago (they finally called on Friday) and getting ready to start my university studies in one week! I need a freakin holiday before I officially snap. Happy Monday everyone!

It's Almost Official

Yes I am back, and back for good this time, no more vanishing into thin air. At least not for about 8 months anyway. Firstly I just want to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog post. It made my day and I certainly have a few emails to send off.

Ok, this is just to give a quick update. We found land. It wasn't even on our list to look at, but after spending a very hot day (where I experienced my first episode of sunstroke) we went to speak to the house lady to cheer us up after walking around dirt for several hours not happy with what we were seeing and she showed us a block of land and it was perfect. Naturally someone else wanted it, and had already had a contact written up, however they hadn't paid the $500 deposit, so I sent The Boy off to the pub (cos they only take cash or cheque, does anyone still have a cheque book anymore?) and he returned with the money and it was ours. So I guess the other couple have learnt in the future to just hand over the cash, the deposit was after all fully refundable.

So now all the paperwork and contracts are getting done up and we are off to the bank on Saturday to sign away our financial life for the next 30 years. Life is very hectic at the moment, but now that there is logic and structure and a process I can handle it. Being an analytical thinker I can operate now, follow the steps, before I was just lost, running around totally clueless to empty blocks of land and calling agents asking random questions. I am so glad that is over with. It is all happening very quickly and I think The Boy and I are still in shock, but that is life, you never know what is around the corner.

I am glad we have it all sorted though. On Monday I received a package from UNE with all my lecture notes on CD for me to print. I had forgotten about the whole uni thing. Under two weeks to go now. All the notes are printed and I am ready, all 400 pages of notes! Which would explain why there is no text book, the notes are the text book.

On the job side of things, I have applied for 3 jobs up on the coast, with another two to send off today. I have heard nothing yet. I have to remind myself it is not Sydney and people are relaxed and take their time. Which is one of the reasons for moving up there in the first place.

On Monday I did receive a call about a job I applied for back in November. It was in Sydney, but in Hornsby, so I could do the Wyong-Tuggerah-Gosford-Woy Woy-Hornsby express. Anyway, the girl they picked back then decided to go travelling, so I interviewed on Tuesday. I am yet to hear back, he told me he will make his decision next week but he hopes I am successful. Not sure what than means but in all honestly I don't actually want the job because I don't want to work for him. The interview started well until he started asking me all the questions you are not allowed to ask. How old am I, am I renting and if so how much am I paying, and then he asked, "WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING CHILDREN?????" I just stared at him in shock for about 10 seconds before giving a fake laugh and responding with "I really haven't thought about it." Which is a total lie of course, but that wasn't a question I had prepared myself for, because you are not supposed to be asked it. Of course in retrospect I can now think of a thousand responses, which I guess I can use the next time it happens!?

On the health side of things I have lost 3.2kg so far, which I am pleased about, especially since the last two weeks it has gone from priority #1 to about #5. As long as I loose each week I am happy. So that is it for me now. I have so much reading to catch up on as well some more web surfing. Mum suggested that we may want to rent up the coast for 6 months to save some money, so my head is buzzing with this possibility and I have spent a good two hours shortlisting rentals. It makes sense but The Penthouse is not just a place to live, it was my grandmothers and I have spent my entire life seeing her there with very fond memories and only in the last 12 months living in it. I am not prepared to pack up and leave it in the next few weeks. Nor am I ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything I have ever known. That was always sometime in the future, not now. But then buying a house was always sometime in the future, and now look where I am. I am learning to love the unpredictability of life.

Image:Flickr

The (Belated) 2009 Summary

I made a comment to someone last week that last year was such a lazy year for me. That comment bugged me all day and when I later thought about it I realised how untrue it was. Sure I might not have accomplished everything I set out to, but does that mean I failed? Far from it. I achieved a lot last year, so I thought I would briefly summarise my achievements to inspire me and also so I can look back when I am struggling this year and remember that anything is possible.

Firstly I successfully came off the anti-anxiety medication. That was a goal I always thought would be in the future, but suddenly it happened. Not only did I come off the meds but I no longer suffer from anxiety. It does creep up now and then but I am free from it in my everyday life after battling it for many years.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do for the career aspect of my life. I was spending years floating around doing admin jobs and I was hungry for more. I wanted passion and fire and something I could look forward too. I finally went back to my childhood love of Agriculture and applied for uni and got in. Only 5 more weeks till I start now!

My manuscript, I realised this year that it is going to take a lot longer than I first thought it would. When I first wrote it, it was never a manuscript, it was all journal entries during a very dark time of my life and it wasn't until that period was ending I thought I would turn it into something more. So it means a lot more editing and so many more gaps to fill than if I just started out with the "let's write a book" goal (which sometimes I think I should just start again with it). However I did managed to edit over 100 pages of work and on top of that produce an additional 100 pages of writing which I think is a huge effort and it is something I am very proud of.

My relationship with The Boy has totally flourished. We only moved in together at the end of 2008 not having been together all that long and neither of us having lived with a partner before. The first few months were really tough and a huge shock and adjustment to both of us, but we have managed to get over all the drama and reach a really great place to be in. I don't really know how to put it into words, except that we are both happy and live together in harmony most of the time (still trying to work on a few more annoying habits).

I have also strengthened my relationship with my family. My mum commented the other day that since I moved in with The Boy I have grown up immensely and I have noticed that too and I just have a lovely relationship with my mum and dad now and even my brother. He has even started to hug me when he sees me now. This is huge considering when we were living together all we did was fight. I cannot remember the last time I fought with any of them.

I don't have a massive circle of friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and I'm very close to them, but I wanted to expand my circle a little bit more and I was fortunate over the 12 months to develop two new friendships from places I least expected it. It wasn't until I thought about this recently that I realised I am now good friends with both of them. It is weird because I think as an adult you kinda get stuck and it is so much harder to make friends. I know I will be friends with both these girls for so many years to come and it gives me confidence for when we move that I won't be isolated for long.

Money. Due to my younger, reckless years (how old does that sound!) I managed to rack up some personal debt, but this year I was able to halve it which was more than I thought I could do. I am very pleased about that but also realised I can always aim higher and push myself further.

And finally I acquired new skills such as cooking and rediscovered old ones such as my tapestry. I am loving learning new skills and finding joy in the old ones and this is something I will continue with this year also.

So there we go. Reflecting on this list I actually feel pretty good about myself and confident in what I can achieve this year. I am also reminded that I need to not only think positive thoughts but speak them as well. So the next time someone asks me how the last 12 months have been I am able to respond with pride that it was an amazing time with some wonderful dreams achieved.

Welcome 2010!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year, and is going to have an amazing 2010. Today is the first day back for me and I have so much to blog about and so many blogs to catch up on!

For today however I thought I would share my holiday and hopefully tomorrow I can share my plans for 2010, let's just say this year is going to be huge, so much to do.

Our holiday started with a trip to the Zoo, Mum found a free entry coupon so we spent the day there and it was really great. I haven't been since school so I really enjoyed it, although I wouldn't bother going full price at $41 each, I can think of other things to do with that money.

The next day it was up t0 the Hunter Valley to spend time with The Boy's parents. Yes she started talking to us again and once we got there it all seemed to be the proverbial water under the bridge, aside from a few remarks everything was ok. We were there until late Christmas Eve and I finally stopped being on my best behaviour and was just myself. I relaxed completely and I think they like the real me even more (as opposed to the Elissa that has to be on show all the time to let them know I am a suitable partner for The Boy - all in my head of course). While there I was able to fine tune my newly acquired boganista skills and can now mix it with the best of them up there. It is weird though, I kinda like it, like my inner bogan was just hiding inside of me all this time waiting to come out, although I could never give her free reign, that is just not my style.

I was completely spoiled on Christmas as The Boy gave me a Wii and hence we almost missed Christmas Lunch because I couldn't pull myself away from it. You know, we had to connect it all up just to make sure it was working.

I totally blew my monthly budget in one day at the post Christmas sales, but at least now I have the most divine bedding and with a few other accessories have created the bedroom just how I want it. It is now our little haven for romance and relaxation. I am back to journalling again because I love sitting on the one seater couch in the bedroom just writing, it is heavenly. I even managed to convince The Boy that yes we did need 1000 count Egyptian cotton sheets, although I am afraid to use them as they are so good. In fact the only thing I actually bought for myself was a nice pair of gold sandals and a new filofax, I am so turning into the lady of the house!

Before the new year The Boy and I went to the movies, gold class. It was my first time and I cannot go back now. I love the space of Gold Class and the limited seating and the fact there are no teenagers yelling and screaming behind me. We saw Avatar 3D and if you have not seen this movie I insist you go. I didn't think I would like it, but I loved every second of it and 3D was just amazing, and hello Sam Worthington - my new celeb crush!

And finally The Boy and I hosted out first every party. We had both our families over for New Years Eve which meant lots and lots of cleaning, so I am not in a hurry to do it again, but it was a lot of fun and a success so I am confident in my "hosting" abilities. Just thought I would test out my skills on the family first.

From New Years Day until this morning we have cocooned ourselves in The Penthouse recovering from the entire two weeks and sleeping in till 11 only to get up, have breakfast and park ourselves on the sofa until dinner time. The perfect end to a much needed holiday. If only I didn't have to be brought back to reality this morning. I was so happy.

Revelation and Re-Evaluation

This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like Cows, yes I am one of "those" people

Way too early yesterday morning I was thinking, as I do, and I suddenly had this big revelation. I was thinking about how I was feeling blah and not getting anywhere and how I am trying to pull myself out of the rut. The Boy and I decided that the first thing to work on was our health and fitness and to loose some weight blah blah blah, usual story. So for almost a month now we have been doing that, and it has been an awful process as we feel we have been banging out heads against the wall as we make progress so slowly, meanwhile everything else just seems to get worse and to be honest it doesn't really feel like we are climbing out of our rut at all.

During this time I have been thinking about the other areas that need work on and how I would address them once we had this health and fitness thing sorted. That's great, however it appears that my heart/gut/instinct, whatever you call it, was pulling me elsewhere. The amazing thing is that The Boy was going through the same thing, he was being pulled elsewhere and we were both being pulled to the same thing, primarily our finances, which I guess shows how in sync we are (which was also proved last night when I was sleeping alone cos he was away and I kept waking up looking for him, is that sweet or tragic?).

So my big revelation was to focus on what I am being pulled to, let the weight issue go for now and focus on what else needs to be done. In an instant I just felt this huge wave of relief. I felt comfortable and calm and I felt that I was now on the right path. The decision was made and it just felt right. I decided that I was going to go with my gut and focus on two other areas of my life. Well, what can I say, yesterday my mind wouldn't stop, I came up with about a hundred solutions, I was busy writing everything down, it was just idea after idea after idea. Last night I spoke to The Boy on the phone about all these great ideas and he agreed on most of them and I honesty feel that now we can cross one issue off the list. That area of our life just seems to be fixed overnight. Sure we have to actively make sure we stick to the plan, but it won't take much, in fact it is now easier than what we were doing, which was really just going around in circles.

I feel so much happier now, and I feel like I am finally making progress and sorting stuff out. Going to give it at least 6 weeks to carry out what we need to do, while also sorting out everything organisational. All the boxes will be unpacked and all paperwork will be re-sorted and everything done, all in one place, and all easy to find. This includes cleaning out the garage and continuing to get rid of a huge amount of crap.

Of course, having said all of this, I am not about to park myself out the front of McDonald's everyday, nor am I going to shop only from the Confectionery aisle. I will still continue to cook healthy meals and eat well and exercise. I am just not going to be so anal about it. If I find myself tired one night and really not bothered and discovering I am in the car about to order via drive through, that is ok, I am not going to stress or beat myself up over it. And of course Friday night take away, movies and chocolate will continue, oh yeah looking forward to that! If I can maintain till the end of the year I will be very very happy.

Reaching your goal weight, especially when you have about 25-30kg to loose is a full time deal. It requires a lot of planning, energy and discipline, and time. 12 weeks wouldn't cut it for me, I would need a least 52 weeks, and right now I cannot give it the attention it deserves and that is ok. When the time is right I will give it 100% and it will come off. That could be a month away it could be a year away. I don't know, but I trust it will happen when it should.

I have learnt to listen to myself, that in the end, I really do know what is best for me. I am confident also that if I make the wrong decision that my heart/gut/instinct, will lead me back to where I need to go and onto the right path, and confident also that everything else will happen when it should. There is a lot of peace from this lesson, I feel content and calm, something I have not felt for a while now. Just take a moment and listen, what is it that you really want right now?

Image: Flickr

I Love Surprises!

When The Boy and I first moved in together, all of our money went to the first rent and the bond. We had a lot of stuff to fill a place because I had moved out so many times before (but always managed to find my way back to mum's again). One thing we needed was a mattress (neither of us wanted to use what we already had). His parents just bought a new one and offered us their old one which we accepted. It was only for a short period of time until we got around to buying a new one.

That short period of time turned into 1 whole year! (Oops!). I don't know why we didn't get around to it sooner, I suppose it was probably because of the cost. But for the past year we have been sleeping on a very bad mattress that wrecks our backs because it has no support and hence we really don't sleep that well. I am sure when they bought the mattress 10 years ago it had a lovely comfort top, but now it has disappeared and halfway through the night you can start to feel deep down to the springs!

I am a big "natural" person, don't like the artificial stuff, so naturally I wanted a latex bed, and not just a bed with a latex top, it had to be 100% latex, no wire and no foam. Of course natural doesn't come cheap, and as we started bed shopping 6 months ago, the full price for a bed that met those requirements was a lot more than we wanted to pay. The Boy spent many hours trying to convince me that we didn't need latex. I spend twice as much time telling him why we did. They last 20 years, they are natural, better for my asthma, they provide better support, they repel dust mites etc. I am pleased to say I won, I mean, convinced him. So we waited and waited and waited and eventually good old David Jones decided to have 40% off a select range of beds.

We tried a few, and finally narrowed it down. The store we bought it from had a very good (and smart) sales lady. We lay on the bed and she came over, we both sat up but she insisted we lie down as she would just talk us through the "features and benefits". The Boy actually started to doze off! I had to gently tap him awake again, that was all he needed to seal the deal. As we lay there, The Boy jokingly asked if she could throw some pillows in to.

"Sure, that shouldn't be a problem."

We were both shocked, we didn't expect this, it was David Jones for crying out loud not Bing Lee where "everything is negotiable."

We ordered the bed, and it should be arriving on Saturday (and if it doesn't there will be some phone calls). We had both forgot about the pillows. We just wanted the bed. Yesterday The Boy arrived home before I did and walked through the foyer twice. He didn't notice anything. I came home and noticed a bag sitting on the table in the foyer. Something inside me told me to walk over, and sure enough it was a package for us. I ran upstairs, threw my bags down on the floor and ripped it open wondering what on earth it was. Sure enough, inside were two, 100% latex pillows, the very same ones that I was planning on buying on Saturday once we had the new bed. The very same pillows that cost just under $100 each! I've never been so happy to receive mail before.

Of course we cannot use them yet. The Boy is very upset about this, but when you get pillows like this for nothing you have to protect them, so tomorrow night it is back to the shops to get some pillow protectors (which we don't already have because our current pillows are pretty terrible as well). I love surprises!

Where Is The Light?

This is turning into a bad week for The Boy and I and I really hope it goes away tomorrow at 5pm so I can have another wonderful weekend. I shouldn't complain, I cannot remember the last time I had a bad week, but I'm going to have a whinge about it anyway.

Firstly, I have been feeling blah lately. Work hasn't helped with that as I am currently going through my own "Groundhog Day" between the hours of 8:30am - 5pm and I'm getting a little sick of it. Then we have the money. I already mentioned the electricity bill, but there was also the issue of a gas bill from our old place. I thought this had been resolved 6 months ago! But according to AGL (who I will NEVER go with again) we still owe them $150, even though 3 different reps and one team leader told me our balance was ZERO! So I had to pay that yesterday so the joint account this week has seen over a grand disappear :( Then my personal account has also seen that amount disappear due to bills and my car rego and service. I know it only happens once a year, but all these "once a year" expenses all seem to arrive at the exact same time!

My dress arrived yesterday. I will NEVER buy clothes online again. The model in the picture must have been at least 2m tall because this dress was almost down to my ankles. It was very poorly fitted, I did the measurements, but it was out of proportion for my body, the zip at the back was so long and stuck out it looked like I had a tail, it was too big but the next size would have been too small. I showed The Boy and I could tell instantly he didn't like it. I put my hand on my belly and rubbed, he agreed if I did that in public everyone would be asking when I was due. So that will be returned which is another $10 in postage, so yes, I have now paid $20 to try on a dress and that is now the end of my ezibuy experience.

The Boy lost his phone at work yesterday. It is still ringing, so that means it didn't fall into the boiler, but he cannot find it. He has narrowed it down to one of two sites of the station. He is upset because it has all his contacts in it. I am upset because it has every single sms I have ever sent him including the very first one. I almost cried when I told him my phone doesn't keep the sent messages :( He still hasn't found it, but it is still ringing, so there is hope.

And finally, last night, The Boy was home late so there was no walk, we did some housework and then it was time for dinner. He didn't want to make the lasagna because it would take an hour. Fine, I told him if he didn't want to, he could heat up the remaining leftovers. All we had left was spaghetti, so he heated that up and boiled the pasta. He then joined me on the sofa. I kept asking him if the pasta was ok because it has been boiling for a while, he assured me it was. Sure enough once he finally checked it (during an ad break - men!) the water had gone and he had managed to burn it (which I didn't know you could do) and it was all stuck to the bottom of the saucepan. I pulled out the small saucepan, forced the remaining pasta we had into it and cooked it, watching it the entire time and actually draining it once the timer went off. We had dinner at 8:30, if I cooked the lasagna it would have been 8pm. At least we didn't resort to take away.

So there, and now I promise that I will not be ranting for at least a month at the very earliest. We all have bad weeks and this is one of them for me, but I am actually laughing about it now and looking forward to seeing what else is around the corner. Also it is your last chance to enter my Giveaway, it closes 9am tomorrow.

EDIT: The bad week is over! The Boy found his phone in tact with about a hundred missed calls from me!

Image: Flickr

Not Happy

The first thing we are going to do when we buy our first house, the very first thing, is to install solar heating panels. Thank you very much Energy Australia for our $500 electricity bill. A rather large amount considering; it is only for a three month period; we live in a unit; we both work full time outside the home; I only use the dryer once a fortnight at the most! Apparently back in July you had a 21% increase in price. 21%!! Isn't that a bit much? That is a HUGE jump in price, and why? Have you given us a reason to justify a whopping 21%? So thank you, just when we were getting ahead, just when I was really chowing down on my debt and just when The Boy and I were making some real progress with our savings account. Thank you very much.

Just give it time, before you realise it you'll be writing us cheques, and when you do, I hope the next time you have a 21% increase you will pass on the profits to us who will be creating the electricity for you to continue to rip people off with!

Where Is My Dress?

Last weekend when mum and I were out at the shops on Operation Secret Project, we found ourselves in the women's fashion section at David Jones. Mum has a wedding coming up and wanted to buy a new dress for the occasion. As she tried the dress on, I wandered around and found a beautiful pink dress over at the plus section. As soon as I saw it I knew I needed a new dress for this weekend so I could surprise The Boy by looking absolutely stunning for dinner on Saturday night. I went to try the dress on and it looked great, but it was way too big for me. That is the wonderful thing about my body at the moment. I am about 5-10kg too big to wear "normal" clothes, and 5-10kg too small to get into the plus size clothing. Hence why I have avoided shopping for clothes for so long.

While I didn't get the dress I did pick up the catalogue and tried to get the smaller size online, however they had sold out. The brand was Sara and it was then I realised it belong to Ezibuy. I know this brand because mum used to order a lot from it when I was a teenager. So to me, it has always been a place for older women to buy clothes. However, I did have some time on my hands and did a little searching and found about ten dresses I could see myself in. I decided I would buy one, I thought that a lovely new dress to mark this occasion was in order, and once that decision was made I just had to find the right dress.

After about half an hour I had eliminated my choices down to the one above. I felt it was the best dress to flatter my current shape and I really liked the colours in it. And, let's be honest here, I really felt my best assets would look amazing in them, and I have to give The Boy something to drool over right? I looked up the measurements and felt good about it, so I placed the order.

I had a choice, I could choose to pay the $9.90 for standard delivery, or $14.90 for priority. Standard was to be 5 working days. I was ordering the dress on Monday and given I am still trying to get ahead with my money, I naturally picked the standard delivery. Well, I have learnt something, the priority would have been worth the extra $5.00 because now I am dress-less! My dress has not arrived, I clearly will not receive it till next week, which is really a little late. So now I am being punished for being "careful" with my money. Or perhaps because I should have been more careful and not ordered the dress in the first place because at the end of the day, I still don't have it, and will have to wear something from my current wardrobe anyway!

All I can say is that the dress better look amazing on me, otherwise I will return it and would have paid $20 for the experience of trying on a dress. So far not liking buying clothes online (yes this was my first online clothing experience, and I can see now why I never did it before - too much effort and too much trouble!). So I am back to square one, which is, what do I wear for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night? Do I go for the black skirt and top combo? Or do I take a trip down memory lane with the dark jeans and a black top with my cherry half sleeve cardi which is what I wore for our first date? Decisions, decisions.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend, make sure you tell someone you love them, I know I will be. Don't forget to enter my give Giveaway.

Image: Ezibuy

Boys And Their Toys

I don't really get the whole TV thing. As long as it produces a picture, I am happy. I don't care about the size, all I care about is that it works so I can chill out to a DVD. The Boy, however, cares, apparently he (allegedly) knows a lot about TV's and he wants one. He wants a plasma, and has ever since the day we moved in together. He should have just bought one before we met (apparently he almost did but the store/bank wouldn't do eftpos for that amount).

So, whenever we are out at the shops and we walk past an electronics store (who ALWAYS have the Plasmas out the front enticing you in) or just walk past them anywhere, The Boy stops and stares longingly at the screen, before turning to look at me and saying in a very sad, very child-like voice. "Plasma?" He then puts his head down and pouts his lips giving me the full puppy dog look. I, like a mother, look at him disapprovingly and say "If we can afford a plasma, we can afford to buy a house." Seriously, they are $3,000+, that would cover all of our fees for purchasing a place, I just cannot see the point in buying one.

The TV we have is his (I had a very little one which is stored in the bedroom and only used when I am forced in there because he needs "x-box time"), and it is big and that is all I know about it. Until last night however when I also learned it is dying. Suddenly the picture has a weird green light on both sides of the screen, giving whatever show we are watching an ugly green border which sometimes produces green people. The Boy informs me he has had the TV for a very long time, it was a cheap brand anyway and clearly we need a new one.

Perfect timing! Just when I thought we were finally getting ahead, this happens. And NO we cannot use my old TV because it is too small and that is no good for "xbox time" and two people cannot watch a screen that small (?). Fine, if he wants a plasma he can pay for it himself. Which is no longer a problem given all the overtime he has coming up due to an outage. Now it is my turn to put on the puppy dog face because I was hoping for a nice romantic weekend away with massages and a seafood basket to enjoy on the beach, but no, now the overtime money is going towards a freakin plasma TV.

The Boy couldn't be happier, and maybe the current TV could be saved and put out the back to form his "man cave". We have a little room off from the laundry that we don't know what to do with. Let me re-phrase that, I don't know what to do with. The Boy, after channel hopping, found the Father's Day special of Better Homes and Gardens, who conveniently showed you how to create a "man cave" (I can totally see how no TV at all would make my life so much easier). So now he wants to turn the back room into his "man cave". And what about a "Lissy cave?" I asked. Well, apparently the whole Penthouse is my cave and therefore he should be entitled to a small section of it where he can be a man. Honestly, I really do not understand men at all, and I don't even think it is worth my time trying to, I will just write about it and hopefully one day look back and laugh. Hopefully.

Image: Flickr

Reasons To Stay

So why would I want to stay here in Sydney? What are the factors that would make me turn down this opportunity?

• Family. Obviously. I have lived in Sydney all my life never left it, and for most of that time I lived with my parents and brother. I have moved out but it has always been no more than a half hour car trip away. I would say that I am close to my family, but not in a traditional sense. My family has always been there for me and helped me when I needed it, and always showed me that they loved me. Aside from my parents and brother I also have my grandmother and grandfather here as well. And finally my friends, while not many in number, they are of the highest quality. If I want my mum I would have to spend 2 hours in the car trying to get to her. I can't just pop in for a chat. I feel safe here, and if I moved I think I would feel isolated, because I would only have The Boy and his parents that would be it. Sure we would make friends, but that takes time.

• Comfort zone. My comfort zone is here, I feel safe and relaxed, which is a good thing for my anxiety. I have pushed my comfort zone a lot in the last twelve months, I have moved in with The Boy, a first, I finally went away and left Sydney for a few weekends, something I had not done in about 5 years at least (due to anxiety), and I tried numerous new things like toastmasters and dancing. I just don't know if I need to keep pushing the boundaries. I think I could do with some stability and just enjoy my life, not pack it up again and move for 6 months, then move again.

• (Future) In Laws. If we move we will be living with his parents, in their house, with them and with his brother too when he bothers to actually come home. I love his parents, they love me, we all get along really well, if they didn't want me being with their son they would have done everything they could to break us up (which was done in the past with every other girlfriend) but they have done nothing but help us and are now offering us free rent. But can I do this? I am alpha female, can I put that part of me away for 6 months? I can be Passive Elissa on the weekends when we see them, but for 7 days a week for 6 months, it cannot be done. I'm not worried about his dad, as long as I don't have to listen to him every night of the week telling me how awful the world is and making me want to go out and shot myself. But his mum, the epitome of Alpha Female. We are either going to end up as best friends or the claws will come out. I hope it is best friend status, but I don't know. And that fear that we will end up in a massive fight and having The Boy right in the middle of it, is enough to make me want to just stay and not have to worry about it.

• The need for stability. The Boy and I have already moved twice in the last 12 months, neither of us really want to do it AGAIN. And then, if we do move, we will have to pack up and move in 6 months once we buy a house. That is moving 4 times in the space of 18 months. Not only that, but by the time we establish ourselves, make friends, have people in our local area know us, we will be moving again and into a completely new area an hour away. Where is the stability? When do I get to just sit back, relax, look around at my life and think, "Yes, it is beautiful". I cannot do that if I am moving and turning my life upside down, twice in 6 months, not to mention the fact that is has already been turned upside down after meeting The Boy. I need some constants in my life. Change is good, but there is definitely a thing as too much change.

• Steady income. If we move, I could potentially be in a position where I do not earn an income. It will take time to find another job and if we move while I am looking then there will be a period of time, that maybe be a week or could even turn into months, where I will earn nothing. Which means it is all up to The Boy to provide for our lives and put all the extra money into the savings account. It would also mean that my debt would go nowhere as I would not allow him to pay it. I earned it, I can get rid of it myself. And if that is the case, what would be the point in moving? At least if I stay I can look for another job and once I have one secured, then give notice where I am, and at least my loan would get paid consistently. Maybe not as quickly as it could be, but it would still get done. If we stay, there is no risk, and I can maintain my independence. I have never relied on a man to pay my way, I like to pay my own way, sure down the track if we have children it will be different, but I honestly would not be comfortable with it at this stage in my life. It is a big step and our relationship is ready for it, but I personally am not.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. It is still the early days, I am sure I will add to this list and the other as we think more about it. Nothing will be decided until we talk to my parents when they get back from their outback adventure in 3 weeks. Until then The Boy and I need to keep discussing the pros and cons and try also to not think about it and realise we are alive and take time out to enjoy that.

Image: Flickr

Reasons To Leave

As cliche as it is, I think I should make a list. Ever since we spoke with FMIL my head has been buzzing non stop with all the options available, as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it, and I am still thinking about it when I go to bed, so I have to get all these thoughts out of my head and in front of me so I can be 100% sure that whatever we choose is the right thing to do.

• I would be debt free by the end of the year. The result of that is we can put a lot of money into our savings account and we would be in a position to buy a house in the new year, it will no longer be a fantasy dream that will happen at some unknown point in the future. It also means I can go back to uni next year. I have wanted to go back for about two years now, but always put it off because I "couldn't afford it". If I put all my income into my debt and savings account I can go back next year and get it done.
  

• I would have the option to work part time. This is my fantasy life. Working part time and studying part time or just doing whatever I feel like. At the moment I find it hard, as The Boy and I both work full time, it is hard to come home after work and make a really nice dinner, and clean the dishes and do the washing and all the cleaning, and I am so sick of spending Saturday morning cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the Penthouse. If I worked part time I could get more housework done spread nicely over the week and I could create wonderful healthy dinners made from scratch and with love every night. Of course the major benefit of working part time is that I could easily have my book up to publishing standard in 4-6 months time and my dream of being published could become reality as early as 2010.

• Country lifestyle. Clean air, relaxed way of living, less people, less traffic, being able to go to the shops and actually move without hitting people with my handbag. Having people serve me at the shops. Being able to see natural landscape and not having my lungs get congested with fumes from the highway. Surely this would benefit my anxiety immensely, my shrink even told me she thought it would be best to get out of Sydney ages ago. Perhaps this could be an environment and way of life that I would thrive in. I could even join the CWA, something I have always wanted to secretly do.

• Adventure. At the end of the day this would be an adventure. I have been wanting to just do something out of my comfort zone, I was thinking about going off to Europe and travelling around, but maybe this could be my adventure instead. A smarter adventure with many benefits at the end of it. It is only for 6 months, and I could just be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I could work when I want to, learn to knit and bake scones, I could set up a veggie garden and begin producing my own organic vegetables. We would have the ability to actually go away on weekends and stay somewhere nice. I would be starting from scratch, and whatever happens is up to me. I have nothing to loose, the only thing keeping me in Sydney would be friends and family, I was going to get a new job anyway, so now is the perfect time for me to just pack up and leave for an adventure.

These seem like good points, there are not a lot of points, but they are all very good and very big things. I can see a lot of dreams being achieved this way. Now it is time to think about why I should stay

Image: Flickr

Time To Say Goodbye

After some thought the last few days about how I can become more focused on my dreams and a few words that were said to me by a couple of people I have decided that after 5 years I am going to cancel my gym membership and say farewell to my trainer.

This is a big step for me as the gym and more importantly my trainer have played a big part in my life for the last 5 years, helping me to get through some tough times. But thankfully those times are over and I am in a new phase of my life and both the gym and my trainer are no longer the same.

I will start with the gym. It is a women's only gym and isn't one that has 30 minutes workouts. It was great when I first started. The people at the front desk cared, they made such an effort with everyone, all the staff were smiling, it was great. Then about two years ago it changed. It was taken over by someone else and suddenly all the great staff were leaving. They didn't like the way things were being done behind the scenes and they left. The new management thought in order to make the members happy they would jazz up the equipment. The result was that every piece of cardio equipment now had it's own TV screen for you to choose what you wanted to watch (but only from free to air which I felt was pretty pointless). Then the members started changing. An influx of women came in, but they were different. They were ruder, pushier and a lot more self centred. The lovely supportive, friendly environment that I had grown to love had gone and was replaced by total isolation, where even the girl at the front desk didn't bother stopping her conversation with the other staff member to give you your locker key.

I stopped going to the gym. Instead I turned my attention to working out outdoors, and guess what, I loved it!! I loved my Saturday morning walk/jog internal training. It was lovely, fresh air, beautiful homes and gardens to look at. I have never been able to step on a treadmill since. So I went to the gym maybe once a week to do some cardio and weights. But I stopped the cardio. I was too in love with my own cardio, running and tennis. So I was only going for the weights. The weights I did by myself. Free weights, not on the machines, in the tiny little corner where the free weights were. But then I got pushed out by several personal trainers who decided that as I wasn't paying $40 for a half hour session, they had every right to "politely" get in my space. Slowly edging me further and further away from the benches until a few weeks ago I gave in and just didn't bother anymore. I haven't been to the gym for almost a month now. It is not going to change, it has to compete with Fitness First now in the same complex, it is all about the bottom line and pushing people to do PT with them. I have proved to myself I don't need it so why bother?

Then there is my trainer. I have had a great relationship with her. She left the gym once the new management began as they told her things had to be done their way, she disagreed and left. I followed and we trained at a private studio. It was great. I was toning up and getting strong. But recently I have struggled. I have struggled to get their early in the mornings, and I have struggled to put the effort in. For the last few months she has changed the program so there is no direction in it and I do not feel I am getting anywhere. This week was the final straw.

She has been weighing me once a month and keeping me "in check" to help me loose a few kg.s I told her that I wanted to stop weighing myself as it was doing my head in and I was sick of it. I have bigger priorities and want to stop obsessing over everything thing I eat. She told me that if I wasn't prepared to give up anything I wouldn't get the body I wanted. Fair enough. She then told me that most people set a new years goal to loose weight, and they set it year after year after year, and that is because they don't want it enough. It is not a case of I don't want it. I do, but I want other things more. She then asked if maybe I didn't want to loose weight and that maybe I was only trying to because someone else was putting the pressure on me to loose weight. That someone, she suggested, was The Boy. She asked me if he wanted me to be thinner and was I doing this for him?

I was shocked that she asked that question. She has known me for 5 years and has seen me hit rock bottom and then climb out and get back on top again and beyond and she had the balls to say that to me. Did she really think if that was the case that I would be living with such an arsehole? Of course not! I was very disappointed. Maybe that is true for some of her clients, but not me, and I thought she would know that as she has met The Boy and is always telling me how great he is. Anyone who knows The Boy knows he is incapable of being an arsehole and tells me many times a day how beautiful I am. I walked out of there on Tuesday feeling defeated, as at the end she assured me it wasn't failure if I was backing out of a decision I couldn't put the effort into. It was just changing direction.

So I have decided to end the relationship with her. I'm not going to pay someone to make me feel bad about myself. If I wanted that I am sure I could get it for free if I spoke to a few old "frenemies".

It also means I will be about $250 richer a month, which means I am going to be debt free a lot sooner than I thought. That is a bigger goal for me. Besides, after her comments I am feeling very motivated to loose weight, and to do it without her assistance and on my own. Just to prove her wrong of course. Who said negative motivation doesn't work?

Image: Flickr

Bargain Shopping

What does a rental bond get you these days??

All this of course!! Oh and a 420L fridge which hasn't been delivered yet (yes I am getting excited about a new fridge, I really have no idea who I am anymore). The Boy and I had been planning this day for months! Ever since mum told us she didn't want a bond and we should use the money to buy what we needed. First up was a fridge. The Boy's parents lent us their "beer" fridge to use until we bought one. Without offending anyone I will just say that it is old, well used, is not frost free and if you put stuff at the back of the fridge it ends up frozen. So I was very very excited about getting a new fridge.

We deiced to make the drive and go out to the Castle Hill Supa Centa (why do advertisers use bad English) which is "your one stop "home & lifestyle" shop!" and there we visited out good friends at Clive Anthony's who do a better deal than anyone else. The Boy and I narrowed our selection down to 2 fridges. One was 315L the other was 420L. We wanted the bigger one as it would allow us 'room to grow' ;) and we wouldn't need to upgrade for a while. However it would also depend on the price they could do. The salesman said he would take a little bit off the price if we paid cash. I told him I would need to think about it.
"Ok, well what price do you need it to be to take it home today?"
The Boy had to turn away so he wouldn't laugh. I am a bargain shopper, never, ever, ask me that question. I politely smiled and told him the price of our budget, minus $50. He said he would speak to the manager and be back.
He returned 5 minutes later and said it was a done deal. We filled out all the paperwork and were praying that the fridge would fit, because due to our lack of sleep (The Boy came home at 4am that morning) we didn't bother taking the measurements. I am pleased to say it fits.

Then it was off to a certain budget furniture place. We needed a new bed frame and only wanted to spend as little as possible as we plan to upgrade to a King Latex next year (well that is my plan anyway). We had already picked out the one we wanted from the catalogue we got the other day. However today the price had gone up $20. We went to the counter and this woman was there talking to her colleague. FIVE MINUTES LATER she turned to us and said "Are you being served?"
"No" said The Boy bluntly.
"How can I help you?"
"We are after this bed, but it says it is a different price than the catalogue we have at home".
"Oh you mean the XX bed, well yes the price has gone up?"
"You can't do us a deal?" I asked.
"No only if you buy a bundle, otherwise you have to pay full price."
"You can't sell it for less?"
"No all prices are set by head office."
"But it is $20, I mean surely you can take that off."
"Well I would have to check, but I doubt it."
Meanwhile The Boy is flipping through their most recent catalogue and spots the package with the bed, and in the small print is says "Bed alone $XXX" The price we were expecting to pay.
"Says our price here" said The Boy pointing to it.
The woman looks over and looks at us "Well, that must be a mis-print but I suppose I will have to sell it to you at that price."
I turned to The Boy and looked up at him and loudly say "Good spotting Baby!"
She gave me a dirty look.

We also need some cutlery and I wanted the good stuff. We went to a homewares place and they had Stanley Rogers at below cost. I couldn't believe it! It was retailing for $299 and we picked up a 56 piece set for $129! I was a very happy camper. With the cooler weather it was also time to warm up the bed, so we bought an electric blanket, a faux mink blanket and mattress protector all from Kmart. And after all that we still have money left over! Did someone say there was a recession going on?

Is It The 1st Of May Already??

One third of the year has already flown by! I remember in January thinking about what I wanted to achieve this year and how I was going to do that and now I am already 4 months into the year and where do I stand? I'll admit I have been a little "relaxed" about what I wanted to do, because I thought, "I have all year, I can do it slowly". However I think I may have taken things a little too slowly as I am now feeling the pressure. It is good pressure though, not enough to cause stress, but just enough to make me stop and think "Ok, lets reassess what do we want this year? It is time to get serious."

I have been thinking about this for the last few days, however I have some big things happening next year, so I am going to encompass my current dreams into a 18 month period. I definitely want to have my manuscript up to publishing standard, and ideally with an agent. I want this in the next 8 months, it has been sitting around waiting to be edited for too long, I just want to get it over with. I have been going well with it lately, but I need to step it up. I need to make more time in the week to do it. I need to have the first draft finished by the end of June because my list of all the events that need to get put into the manuscript is only getting bigger and with my plans next year, I have to do it now, because I will not have time in 2010.

I also need to get serious about my health. Doctor's orders - loose 10 - 20kg for my health. I have been exercising a lot more lately, and have successfully managed to keep take away to a once a week occasion, which is great, but it is time to start tracking again with everything that goes into my mouth. My personal trainer has offered her assistance and is going to weigh me once a month with her fancy body fat scales. 2kg a month is the goal and that will give me a 16kg loss at the end of the year, and I would be more than happy with that.

The Boy and I are going to be purchasing a house and it is time that we both increased the amount we put into our deposit account and for me to also increase the amount I am putting onto my loan. We both want to enter the mortgage debt free. It is time for me to begin tracking every single cent that I am spending so I can find the leaks and be able to have more money to put away. I can very comfortably be debt free within 12 months and still have my hair done and buy shoes.

Even though these are the big things, there a lot of little things as well. Things that I keep talking about doing, but just leave out the "doing" part. Like learning to dance, and making new friends, and finally dealing with all the mounting paperwork. It is time to sort out The Penthouse, and actually give everything a home, and just finish off those last few jobs that always get left when you move house. The ones that fall into the "I'll do it next weekend" pile. It is time to do them, and time to make our little haven more personal, actually print those pictures of us and family, buy the frames and put them on the wall.

It is time to stop planning how I want my life to be and actually start living the life that I want. No more putting off things, now is the time to make time for the little steps that will add up to my dreams and just do them. My favourite quote, and I am not sure who said it, but it is: Your short term actions multiplied by time equal your long term accomplishments. I love that quote and I try to remember that when I am struggling to edit, or craving chocolate or standing in front of another black top that I really don't need.

I will do all this, but I will also remember to live in the moment, and to enjoy the process and enjoy each day and be grateful for it. And if something comes along that wasn't planned for I am going to just jump in and enjoy the ride.

Image: Flickr

Thanks Kev!!

I know I have been a very slack blogger for the last couple of weeks. But my reason is justified. My companion of almost 3 years died just over two weeks ago. It was my HP laptop that I took with me everywhere. I'll admit we did have a good run, we produced a lot of work, however I was not quite ready to replace her as the average laptop starts at around $1,000. However, our timelines were different and she gave up and I was left with nothing. I have managed to get online a little at work, which has been helpful, however I am dreading finally getting onto my email account. I can log into blogger at work, but not email - go figure.

Anyway, yesterday (well, Saturday if my boss finds this post) I discovered a little gift from the PM in my account, my $900 stimulus money!!!! Time to go shopping!! Originally I was going to put this money away into my savings account. However due to the untimely death of my laptop I was forced to follow the orders of spending that money. The Boy and I went to a "supa centre" yesterday and after going into a multitude of shops I managed to knock a few hundred dollars off a lovely new laptop and only had to pay $29.00 of my own money.

Welcome to my new baby. Still trying to work out all the new features etc, but I am just happy that I can now surf the web and write whenever I want. This is the one that is going to see me through from draft to publication (and I will always think fondly of my dear HP which saw me from dream to reality to a completed manuscript). It also means I can now catch up on everyone's blogs and to become a more regular poster again.

Finally I just want to say Thanks Kev, I didn't vote for you, but I really appreciate that you bought me a brand new laptop shortly after my other one died. I also want to stress that I did my duty and put that money back into the economy and in the most Australian way, "chucked a sickie" at work to make my purchase. Thanks Kev!

Ding Ding Ding Ding

JACKPOT! We passed and our bond is being refunded in full. To be honest I was a little disappointed. The Boy, his mother and I put in several hours of work on the weekend. We cleaned everything inside and outside, we pulled out every single weed in the front and back garden and managed to have the property looking better than it did when we moved in.

Today was the final inspection. The agent didn't show and I had to call to remind her about this, it was a mis-communication, but she was going to leave the office and meet me. I was already wasting 3.5 hours of annual leave on this and all I wanted was to have my $1,520.00 back in full. She turned up and walked in the door and spent about 3 minutes in the house and said she would "release the bond". What?? All she did was walk around the house looking up and down and opened the oven and that was it. Didn't even look at the back yard and all the hard work we put into it there. So I felt a little jibbed about this. If I had know how easy the final inspection was going to be I would have saved myself a lot of time.

She did acknowledge that the place was a dump and there was only so much she could do and stressed that she was working for the owner. I smiled at her and assured her we thought nothing bad about the real estate office, only the owner, and that I understood she was doing her job. I did work in real estate for 18 months, mainly in rentals, so I know the position she is in. She is only following orders, and if the owner wants to rent out such a dump, then she has to find tenants. She told me she always felt guilty about this place, I told her not to worry about it, it was a learning experience for us all.

To be honest I was a little sad today. I am so glad and relieved to have this whole process over with, but at the back of my mind, I will always look at The Dump a little fondly, as it was the first house The Boy and I lived in together. Now that it is all over I think I will look back with rose tinted glasses at the many firsts The Boy and I had in that house and how much that massive change in life made us so close and strong in such a short space of time.

So what are we going to do with the money? As much as I would like to save it, we need a new fridge, cutlery that won't rust within a week and a nice warm woolen blanket for those cold nights. If we are smart and bargain shop we should have some money left over for the deposit account and I might just be able to squeeze a much needed facial out of it too.

Image: Flickr