Counting Down

Only four more days of work, including today, then a whole 2 weeks of holidays. I am actually having a good work week cos I am alone in the office. Basically I work for a small company of scientists and a technician (the male boss, he has no formal qualifications) and as such they spend a lot of time "off site". Except the male boss, but since one of the girls quit (now it is just me and the lovely Miss T, one down, two to go) he is now having to get out a lot and hence I am alone most of the time this week and loving it. It gives me time to search for another job too. Not that anyone is advertising just before Christmas.

Yes the job hunt continues. I have discovered that employers on the Central Coast don't seem that keen to place ad's up on Seek. On our weekend away while ducking into the local bottle shop I noticed the local paper, the Express Advocate, sitting on the counter, I took one and turned to the back and found 4 pages of job ads! The Boy looks over and says, "Oh yeah, we get that paper at work, at the security gates."

HELLO!! How long have I been complaining about my job and how many times have you told me to find something on the Coast?? So every Friday I send him at least 10 sms's reminding him to bring one home. I have a new ritual on Friday's after work. Devouring the Central Coast local paper looking at real estate and jobs. Is that sad or does it just mean I am so ready to move?

Anyway, feeling quite calm in the lead up to Christmas (despite all of last week's drama). I have bought every present (except one) and they are even all wrapped. I made the labels above for the gifts. I had to make them before I could wrap anything. I purchased 5 A4 sheets of metallic red cardboard for $5. The Boy pointed out that we could have just bought cheap labels from K-Mart for that price. Men! Of course we could have, but where is the love? Where is that little touch of hand made that makes it stand out from the stock standard gifts they get from everyone else? Of course once he saw my wonderful collection on the table he quickly changed his mind and gave me a kiss on the check telling me I was so creative. $5 for an afternoon of being worshiped and praised seems like a pretty good deal to me.

And finally I have started my next project. Going for cross stitch this time for a change. It is meant to be a gift but I am really loving the pattern and am tempted to keep it. I shouldn't. If I want to increase the home made stuff next Christmas I should probably get to work on them now. Or I could just save myself the effort and buy something from K-mart.

Finally, It Is Friday Afternoon!

Our Tree - we bought all the stuff last year. I wanted pink and purple, The Boy wanted silver and blue, and this is what we ended up with. What can I say, I'm a girly girl and he is a blokey bloke.

I have had a nightmare week. I have had zero time to myself to do what I want and have just been dealing with crap. A few weeks ago I managed to get a throat infection. I went on antibiotics. They cleared it up. Once I finished the antibiotics it came back two days later. I went back to the Dr who told me I had a resistant strain (which everyone loves to hear) so this week I am on super duper antibiotics that have completely killed everything, including the good stuff so I have spent this week feeling physically ill with a constant sick feeling in my stomach, hardly able to eat because I am not hungry and I still have tomorrow to go.

Then there are the dramas with FMIL (see below). I had a whinge to Mum yesterday about this, as Mother and Daughter do (I can remember so many conversations where she vented to me about her MIL, and she thought hers was bad! My nan is nothing compared to what I am dealing with now). So Mum called the place we are going to for Christmas and they could fit a few more in and she said his parents and bro were welcome to join us. The Boy called and they said "It is too early to decide". Hello!!!! You apparently decided 3 months ago! The Boy said we had to know right now and the answer was "No!" His mother will not speak to him at all so this is all via his Dad, and he asked if she still wanted us to come up on the 21st for a few days. That was another no, although a much stronger no. She said if we did turn up she would make sure she wasn't there. Lovely. Can anyone recommend a good pre school for this child?

Last night The Boy also spoke to his sister who told him she had known for a while FMIL wasn't going to Coffs Harbour and the reason was because the brother refused to go. So apparently the world revolves around the brother now. She also warned us (as she has been living out of home for about 5 years with her partner) to get used to it cos this is normal and will happen all the time! (Don't even get me started on Mother's Day!). I know I should let this go but I am having trouble with it. I suspect because I am, apparently, not part of the family....

And then there is work. I love work. I love the fact that the male boss stares down my top (even though my necklines keep getting higher and higher) and whenever he walks past me feels the need to scratch or even just grope his balls. Lovely. Makes me feel just at home (yes this is all sarcastic). In the last few weeks he has gone back to his usual a**hole self but even worse! I could go on, but I'll save that for another day.

But, it is all over now. Tomorrow is the weekend and I am looking forward to it. More catch ups with family (mine, obviously) and friends, and precious time with just The Boy. As long as I don't go to the shops it will be very relaxing. Have a great weekend!

Some Sons Do Have Them

I finally finished the tapestry. After many, many months with long nights sitting patiently on the couch, filling in each square, I have finally finished it. This all started because I eventually want to be making home made Christmas presents for people. This year I decided that I would start with FMIL. She lives in the country and likes all that Aussie bush kinda stuff, so I thought this May Gibbs tapestry would be perfect. Fortunately I finished this just in time for the framers to have it framed before Christmas. We are getting a beautiful frame that nearly gave The Boy a heart attack as it cost just under $300. So not only is this a gift made with love, that a lot of time and effort and thought has gone into, but it ain't cheap either.

I really do like FMIL. In fact I probably even love her. Except when she doesn't get her own way, because when she doesn't get what she wants she morphs into a 2 year old complete with tantrums. Enter our current nightmare.

Christmas. Last year was spent with my family, this year we had planned to spend with his. They had planned to have Christmas at their house in the Hunter Valley. That was until FSIL refused to drive down there for Christmas (she is the one with the two kids, and therefore the only grandkids The Boy's parents have). So they then decided to have Christmas in Coffs Harbour. I remember this. They had come down for a weekend and we were all having coffee and home made carrot cake, sitting around the dining room table that they gave us. There was a pause in conversation.

"What are youse doing for Christmas?" asked FMIL.

I looked at The Boy. He shrugged. "Don't know, nothing yet. What are you doing?"

"Well, your Father has Christmas off for the first time in 20 years so we were going to have Christmas at our place."

The Boy nods, just as we expected. However, she continued.

"But your sister won't drive down because of the kids, so we are going up there for Christmas so we can be with R & H (grandkids) and your sister and B (partner). That is what we are doing, it is up to you if you want to come to Coffs Harbour"

The Boy didn't look thrilled, but told FMIL that he would get back to her.

He did get back to her, and told her that no, we won't be coming. It will be holiday traffic, it will take all day to get there, money is a bit tight and therefore our budget will not allow us to pay for accommodation and we are not comfortable staying at his sister's house as we will feel we are invading etc and also because B's parents will be there and we will be on the outside and just generally feel uncomfortable and not very welcome. All very valid points. She was fine with this. Apparently.

That was until a few days ago when the (resisting the urge to use swear words) woman decided that in fact she was going to have Christmas AT HOME! And naturally expected us to be there, to drop our plans less than three weeks out from Christmas and be there with her. She informed us in October she was going to Coffs Harbour and we told her a week later we won't be. I told my mum in mid November we will be around for Christmas. About 10 years ago my family decided to go out for Christmas lunch instead of having it at home like we did every year, and since then we have never gone back, and it has now become a new tradition in our family. Needless to say going out for Christmas lunch is not cheap, and with two of us we had already paid a significant amount to go out to lunch at Christmas with my family, and now FMIL decides she's staying home and wants us there.

It gets better. The Boy told her that we were not changing out plans, etc, that she had all this time to decide and she cannot change her mind after we have already confirmed with my family etc. He also reminded her of the above conversation, to which her reply was; nothing was definite (well it sounded definite to both of us). Clearly she is not getting what she wants so she gets nasty.

"What is it with you? First your ex and now Melissa, you spent Christmas with her parents last year."

"Who the F*** is Melissa?"

"Elissa, it is not my fault her name is so hard to say!"

Um, WTF? In the entire time she has known me, not once has she got it wrong, in fact whenever we are up there she is the one correcting other people.

"Boy, you need to spend Christmas with family, and Elissa is not family."

Ouch. Let me translate that for you. FMIL had just put a knife in my back and decided to ram it in a little deeper and twist it around. Very appropriate behaviour to your sons' future wife, the woman who will one day bear you grandchildren!!

At this point the conversation is clearly going nowhere, she refused to acknowledge the conversation in October, and even his Dad won't stand up for us (he knows the truth) because, well how can I say this nicely.... he is whipped. She then asks why The Boy even bothered to call. Just as she is about to say something nasty again he hangs up on her.

So that is where we stand. I just love family! Love being in a relationship and experiencing the alleged war between myself and FMIL for The Boy's #1 place (this is my shrink talking, many a session has been spent with me ranting about FMIL). I dunno. I am not a mother so maybe I don't understand, but I know that I do accept responsibility for my actions and I do follow through on what I say. I just wish it didn't have to be so nasty. I mean, does she really think of me that way?

Well after such a long post the conclusion is we are staying here for Christmas. We were meant to go up and see them beforehand, but don't know if it will happen. As The Boy said, she needs to change her behaviour before we go back up (unfortunately we will not get an apology, she never apologies to anyone as she believes she is always right). And as for the tapestry, well, I think it will look lovely on our wall, and would best be viewed by sitting at the dining room table sipping coffee and having carrot cake.

I Have A New Addiction

Thanks to last weekend I am now addicted to weekends away. Last weekend was such a big deal because I have not been away for years! The A Word had a lot to do with that, but I was also shocked that The Boy and I had been together for so long and we hadn't even had a mini break together. How did that happen? And weekends spent in the Hunter Valley with his parents I do not consider a mini break. I find those highly stressful, noisy and full of country music songs that I don't know the words to.

So this week I have spent too much time surfing the web making a massive list of all the places we can stay at. I have covered the areas of Port Stephens, Hunter Valley (won't be telling his parents about this), Blue Mountains, Hawkesbury River, South Coast and the Southern Highlands. Yes I am addicted. However, the fact that we stayed at such a nice place, I think it was 4.5 star, doesn't help because I honestly feel I cannot accept anything less than that. Yes I am a Princess, but after the experience of the double spa I could not imagine a weekend away without one. It was so much better than getting a massage to work the knots out of my back. And of course there was the sparkling and cheese plate on arrival, which I will expect every time now (unless the cheese was replaced with chocolate).

We are already planning the next one, in Feb after all the kids are back at school, and I have even pulled out a clean pasta jar to start the "Holiday Fund". I have been bitten and there is no going back. As I sit here I just keep thinking, "This time last week I was going away." Although I won't be hitting the coast this weekend it is still going to be just as amazing, spending time with lots of wonderful people, just the way weekends should be spent.

The Boy took the photo above, he is great at taking photos, I took the ones below, clearly a huge drop in quality but that is ok, he takes the photos and I do the words, perfect team :)

The Bedroom complete with very plush bedding and a tv and dvd player. Loving the feature wall and want to have something like that once we have our own place.

The double spa. And yes that is The Boy (aka Frank Spencer) pouring Sparkling into a wine glass because he kinda broke the champange flute. I left it on the bench, well away from the edge but he still managed to knock it over. That's my boy and I love him.

Could someone please tell me why I cannot wake up to this every day?

It's About Time....

That I returned to the blogsphere, and also returned to my old self. Yes I am pleased to report that I am back on the other side, the happy one where the sides of my mouth actually turn upwards.

I would love to say that as soon as I look my little blogging break everything magically got better. But it didn't. In fact I totally redrew (is that a word?) myself from everything and everyone. No blog reading (so much to catch up on!) no emails, and no phone calls. I hardly even saw my mum who is only about 500m down the road. A few days later I felt I was about to have a nervous breakdown, my anxiety had come back with a passion and I was full of anger. I told The Boy, that was it, we needed a holiday and that night we booked for a weekend away (we booked it about 9 days in advance, which for us is definitely considered spur of the moment).

So last weekend The Boy took me up the coast and we found ourselves at this amazing B&B. It was the most wonderful weekend of my life and it was what I needed and it was what allowed me to turn back around and get happy again and re-gain focus and just be me. I had forgotten who I was, I was just so caught up in unhappiness and frustration. I knew the weekend would help but I didn't realise just how much. It changed everything and The Boy and I gained so much from it. We realised that we really were focusing on the wrong things and our priorities have changed as a result. We also let go of a lot of inhibitions and just lived, for example I actually found a swimsuit that fit my current body and yes I wore it on the beach in front of people and oddly enough I didn't care. In fact the "I wonder what these people are thinking of me" thought didn't even enter my head!

Anyway, the weekend changed a lot, and made clear to us what we need to focus on, what is important and to also have fun. We were even more spontaneous because twenty minutes after we left on Sunday morning we rang the owner up to find out if we could stay one more night. Which we did and we left at 7am and I got to work right on time, although could barely function as it was too hard to switch off my holiday brain. Given it is now December I will be sharing the plans for next year etc, just clarify it for myself what 2010 will be for us.

And finally what the weekend also did was assured us that our future is up on the Central Coast. Just being there felt so right, and it felt like home. Both The Boy and I commented that we felt like locals. It was a great feeling. The picture about is showing Forresters Beach which is where we stayed and I am so in love with the Central Coast and 100% over Sydney that I feel dirty being back here again. Bring on 2010.

Time To Be Honest

I always wanted my blog to be a positive place. A place I could come and write, and write honestly about my life and my dreams but always with a positive attitude. Let's face it, Dream Achieving is a very positive thing. Sure there are ups and downs but the downs are all part of the positive process. I have always been aware of this and didn't want to get too negative as I didn't feel this blog was the right place for negativity. Nothing good ever comes from it and it is a hindrance to moving forward and moving towards dreams. I have spent over 20 years of my life dwelling in negativity and there is no place in my life for it anymore.

I realise that recently I just stagnated. Just stopped and became stuck and entered a rut. I am sure this is all part of the long term process, but I didn't like it. More recently I have gone about changing that. I am very frustrated at the moment because as I am trying to change it, "it" just seems too much. The lists never end, and I feel I am going around in circles, still not knowing what to do, and feeling like there is too much to do, too much to deal with and change. That breeds more frustration and deepens the negative attitude that seems to have permanently taking up space in my life.

It is a lot of things. It is life in general, it is the fact that I have not had a holiday all year and need one, it is not spending time with The Boy because of work, it is money, it is weight, it is work, it is The Penthouse it is my anxiety creeping back and now to add to the list is a health concern.

Looking through my blog I can see that my negativity is coming through and that is not what I want. Writing with a negative attitude only cements it into my head when all I want is to bring back the positive. The Boy and I finally had a lovely day yesterday and we finally put on paper our plan for the next five years. I feel like the first step has been taken. There is so much more work ahead, but at least the first step has begun.

I am going to take a little break from my blog. Just a week or two. I'll still check in and keep up to date on everyone I follow, but I am just not going to write. I need to shift this negativity and I can only do that in the privacy of my own personal journal knowing it is just me and my thoughts. I need to get out of this headspace, tick a few things off the list and feel that I am back in control and feel I am moving forward once again. Moving being the key word, I don't want to stand still anymore. I need to take time out and breath and reconnect with who I am and my positive attitude. I know it is there, it has simply been pushed to the back. I have dealt with worse and I know I will get through it. See you on the other side. xoxo

Image: Flickr

Let Me Explain Something To You

Tennis Etiquette. The Boy and I enrolled in beginners tennis lessons this term to brush up on our skills (as we lost it all over winter), before we commit to private lessons next year. It has been going well, until this week, (being week 4 of an 8 week program) some guy turns up to participate. Some guy who claims he has never played before. Let's call him Mr A (as in something-hole).

Etiquette #1 - if you have clearly played tennis before for many many years at a comp level and know exactly what you are doing don't join a beginners group!! Don't come along and "be the man" and show off your skills and try and knock the coach to the ground with your apparent power. Guess What! No one cares! You just look like some idiot showing off who clearly has some deep issues that are unresolved because you feel the need to look like you are the best.

Then towards the end The Coach decides that Mr A and I play a singles match. The Coach instructs me that Mr A has never played before and doesn't know how to score and could I please teach him. Etiquette #2 - you ask the woman which end she would like, you do not say "I am taking this end so the sun doesn't get into my eyes" and then refuse to swap.

The coach watches the first two points and leaves. Then Mr A decides to morph into his true self. Etiquette #3 - when you are playing against a woman in tennis and you are a man, you do not smack the ball with the power of a professional that could break the woman's body in two. You say to yourself, this is a woman, I need to ease off the power and save that for the men. But no, Mr A decides to belt the crap out of the balls to ensure he is winning every single point. Of course this doesn't always work so he decides to play a little soft and smart.

Etiquette #4 - SOCIAL Tennis requires you to encourage rallies, this is not comp, you want to hit to the player so you both get to play and have fun which is why it is SOCIAL. Mr A hits just over the net while I sit on the baseline and cannot make the shot, or he angles it so I run for it and nearly run into the fence. Excuse me Mr A, this is not the bloody Australian Open!

Someone has clearly not explained the rules and etiquette of non comp tennis to him. I left feeling upset and violated. If it was a woman it would have been a different story, and I would have played differently, but it was a sorry excuse for a man who apparently had never played before and therefore I did the right thing and hit the balls to him.

I will turn up next week as much as I don't want to, because I am not going to let him win. Only 4 more weeks and I won't have to deal with trash like him ever again. You sir, are not a gentleman, but a rude, arrogant wanker who needs to be taught some manners, not only on the tennis court but off them as well, and until you do, I just pity you, because if you continue to treat people that way you will never get ahead, and that is your loss. Game Set Match Elissa.

Hello Elissa, Remember Me? {Part One}

Well, do you remember me? We were very intimate earlier in the year, you spent a lot of time with me. Going through every single part of me, but then you stopped. I think that may have been my fault. I reminded you of the bad boy. I know you don't want to think about him, let alone relive that entire experience with him, but you have to understand it is important. We cannot just cut him out of me. Just as you were starting to get up again he cut you down and took you further than you were before. I know you know I am right, and he must be kept within me, it is all part of the journey, the story.

I know I caused you pain, but let me assure you that once we relive that part it will all be over, it may even bring you some closure and a little more healing. I know you think that you are healed, that you have dealt with it all and it is all a distant memory. I know you believe that. But don't you think if that was true then you wouldn't have closed me up with such anger, and come home only to throw me into the depths of the cupboard where I still remain? You don't even discuss him anymore with your shrink because you have convinced yourself (and possibly her) that it is all dealt with and over.

Over yes, but I know there is still pain. What are you afraid of? He cannot hurt you now. Are you afraid that somehow it will destroy the relationship you have now? You finally found what you spent your entire life looking for. You not only found him, but together you have both worked to ensure you have an ideal relationship that you both want. You know, the relationship that everyone looks at and thinks, I want to have that kind of relationship too. Don't you think you have that?

I suspect you are afraid that by remembering the past it will affect your present and future. Let me assure you it is simply not possible. Do you not think that the fact The Boy is in your life will make getting over this stumbling block that much easier. Knowing when it gets too intense he is right there to bring you back to the present moment and hold you in his arms. Would that not make this process a million times easier than being a single girl and bursting into tears and feeling like you will never meet the man of your dreams? You know that action cures fear so what are you waiting for?

There is more we need to discuss but how about I make a suggestion before we continue. I know you are seeing your Shrink tomorrow. Why don't you mention to her this blockage. See what she has to say. Once you have read it through, then it is done. No more surprises, it will all be out there and every re-read you already know the worst of it. You really need to deal with this, the final chapter before you and I can resume our relationship again. I would like that, I know you would to.

Revelation and Re-Evaluation

This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like Cows, yes I am one of "those" people

Way too early yesterday morning I was thinking, as I do, and I suddenly had this big revelation. I was thinking about how I was feeling blah and not getting anywhere and how I am trying to pull myself out of the rut. The Boy and I decided that the first thing to work on was our health and fitness and to loose some weight blah blah blah, usual story. So for almost a month now we have been doing that, and it has been an awful process as we feel we have been banging out heads against the wall as we make progress so slowly, meanwhile everything else just seems to get worse and to be honest it doesn't really feel like we are climbing out of our rut at all.

During this time I have been thinking about the other areas that need work on and how I would address them once we had this health and fitness thing sorted. That's great, however it appears that my heart/gut/instinct, whatever you call it, was pulling me elsewhere. The amazing thing is that The Boy was going through the same thing, he was being pulled elsewhere and we were both being pulled to the same thing, primarily our finances, which I guess shows how in sync we are (which was also proved last night when I was sleeping alone cos he was away and I kept waking up looking for him, is that sweet or tragic?).

So my big revelation was to focus on what I am being pulled to, let the weight issue go for now and focus on what else needs to be done. In an instant I just felt this huge wave of relief. I felt comfortable and calm and I felt that I was now on the right path. The decision was made and it just felt right. I decided that I was going to go with my gut and focus on two other areas of my life. Well, what can I say, yesterday my mind wouldn't stop, I came up with about a hundred solutions, I was busy writing everything down, it was just idea after idea after idea. Last night I spoke to The Boy on the phone about all these great ideas and he agreed on most of them and I honesty feel that now we can cross one issue off the list. That area of our life just seems to be fixed overnight. Sure we have to actively make sure we stick to the plan, but it won't take much, in fact it is now easier than what we were doing, which was really just going around in circles.

I feel so much happier now, and I feel like I am finally making progress and sorting stuff out. Going to give it at least 6 weeks to carry out what we need to do, while also sorting out everything organisational. All the boxes will be unpacked and all paperwork will be re-sorted and everything done, all in one place, and all easy to find. This includes cleaning out the garage and continuing to get rid of a huge amount of crap.

Of course, having said all of this, I am not about to park myself out the front of McDonald's everyday, nor am I going to shop only from the Confectionery aisle. I will still continue to cook healthy meals and eat well and exercise. I am just not going to be so anal about it. If I find myself tired one night and really not bothered and discovering I am in the car about to order via drive through, that is ok, I am not going to stress or beat myself up over it. And of course Friday night take away, movies and chocolate will continue, oh yeah looking forward to that! If I can maintain till the end of the year I will be very very happy.

Reaching your goal weight, especially when you have about 25-30kg to loose is a full time deal. It requires a lot of planning, energy and discipline, and time. 12 weeks wouldn't cut it for me, I would need a least 52 weeks, and right now I cannot give it the attention it deserves and that is ok. When the time is right I will give it 100% and it will come off. That could be a month away it could be a year away. I don't know, but I trust it will happen when it should.

I have learnt to listen to myself, that in the end, I really do know what is best for me. I am confident also that if I make the wrong decision that my heart/gut/instinct, will lead me back to where I need to go and onto the right path, and confident also that everything else will happen when it should. There is a lot of peace from this lesson, I feel content and calm, something I have not felt for a while now. Just take a moment and listen, what is it that you really want right now?

Image: Flickr

Hmmmm

I don't know what exactly I am feeling today. Stressed. Work is suddenly busy (about time too because there are only so many times I can surf the web before I want to pick up my monitor and throw it out the window) and, naturally, nothing is working the way it should be and then someone comes along to "fix" it, but by "fixing" it they change the format and then I have to try and fix the formatting back to the way it was, meanwhile I am given more and more work.

I feel busy outside of work, so much to do and get done, it is like now that I am going to uni I have this sudden urge to sort out my entire life because I will not have time once I start studying, and I just have no time to do anything else now. I am dreading looking at my email cos it has been over a week and then I have friends trying to contact me via facebook for who knows what, even though I have not logged into facebook all year and once I finally get around to it, it will be to shut it down.

I feel blah, maybe a little sad. I feel frustrated. Could someone please answer a question for me. Why is it that when one area of your life suddenly comes alive and goes so well (right now my career/passion with getting into uni) that at the exact same time another area in your life that was going along so well suddenly manages to you-know-what up and you have more you-know-what to deal with? Is it me? Am I just not able to manage my life to enable two areas to work well together at the same time? Or is it just the way life is, that you cannot have everything going well for you because life is not like that. I know this is temporary, but I don't care, it just doesn't seem fair right now, and the more I try and fix everything the more it seems like I am going backwards.

Then there is The Boy, he is doing so well at work and is filling in a senior role for 4 weeks while some guy is away. He is also working 6 days for the next several weeks with a lot of overtime and on Saturday I was half asleep in bed, I kissed him good bye at 7am and I didn't see him again until he crawled into bed after midnight. Isn't it illegal to work that long? We both desperately just want to spend time with each other but there doesn't seem to be any time, and so we are getting a little cranky in general which doesn't help and all we both need is lots of hugs and kisses and a whole day to just lock ourselves up in The Penthouse and chill out.

And finally, (although I am sure there is more, good thing I am seeing my Shrink on Saturday) it is "that time of the year". Which means two things;

1. Christmas. Last year was spent with my parents, this year was going to be spent with his, at their place in the Hunter Valley. That is until they informed us that his sister refuses to drive down and therefore they are going to Coffs Harbour for Christmas, which is only like 8 hours away, and it will be her partners parents as well and their kids etc etc, and to be honest we both feel like we would be on the outside and neither of us want to travel that far. We have two weeks holiday and we don't want to spend it traveling and living in a big house with zero privacy. Next year we are having Christmas, and if no one turns up I don't care, too much drama and stress and guilt trying to go from one family to the next.

2. 2010. Time to start thinking about what we want to happen next year, what goals to set, what our priorities are, and also to reflect on what happened this year. I have no idea, as 2010 is not going to be at all what I thought it would be. I am going back to uni! That was never in the picture. So I guess I am feeling a little lost, The Boy and I both want to discuss these things but just cannot seem to find the time, and to top it off he is leaving me tomorrow for work and I won't see him till Thursday night.

I think I feel a little better now that it is all out there. Everything will happen when it should and I just need to relax and only focus on what I can do each day. Which right now means getting back to work and hopefully managing a smile. I will try my best.

I Have Some News

I am feeling a lot better about myself now. Have managed to get back on track and this time I actually wrote everything out on paper and have put it on the fridge. Having my goals and plans stored in my head and hoping for the best was clearly not working for me. I knew this all along, but what can I say, the rut made me lazy and laziness is a little hard to shake off.

But I have news. No I am not pregnant, no I am not engaged, and no I did not wake up to find a large pile of money next to my bed :( I did however discover that I was accepted into university! YAY!!!!

I could not be happier! I am doing this through UNE as a distance student, and will only have to head up to Armidale a couple of weeks a year for the prac work (which is a bonus because Armidale is one of my favourite places).

The Boy and I talked a lot last night and we have decided that next year I will only be doing one subject a semester, and see how that goes, it has been a while since I studied so I want to ease back into it. That and I also need to still work full time, so it will take me a very long time to graduate, but I don't care how long it takes, I am finally doing what I am supposed to do! I am so excited I have printed off every single page of all the units I can choose from and will study those in great detail this weekend. Yes I am such a nerd but I just embrace that! The only problem is, what am I going to do until Feb next year? I think the answer is enjoy all the free time I have now and live life to the fullest, cos once I start I'll be working, studying, having dinner and probably more study. But for now it is time to celebrate and enjoy this moment and use it to spur me on to achieve even more.

Image: Flickr

How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr

Hello

Comments. Having a blog is really putting yourself out there. Leaving comments I think is even harder. It took me a long time before I started leaving comments on other people's blogs. At first I would leave one sentence, hit post and then closed down their blog as soon as I could. I just couldn't look. It wasn't just my thoughts "out there", it was my thoughts - at someone. I would stress about what to say, does this sound funny? Or could it come across as rude? Have I just said what someone else said with different adjectives? Have I said enough? Or too much? And sometimes I would put myself out there over and over and get nothing in return. Did I say the wrong thing? Am I not meant to read this persons blog?

Fortunately I just got over that and wrote the first thing that came to mind. That, and 80% of my blog time is spent at work so I don't have time to stress about what I write. Anyway, I don't often come back to read comments on something I have already commented on (due to time). But I know many people do come back to read the follow on comments. I notice that some bloggers comment on the comments and I think that is nice, makes it more personal.

I haven't done that, but after much thought I have decided I will from now on. I read all the comments that are left, and greatly appreciated them (I am still amazed that people actually read my blog). I know a few people have de-lurked through a comment and it would just be nice to say "hello and welcome".

I never expect anyone to read let alone comment, but the fact that you do, leaves me shocked, but also very appreciative and grateful. So again, Thank You, Welcome and of course, Hello.

Image: Flickr

What Today Was Supposed To Be

When I handed in my resignation letter, today was supposed to be my last day. I was supposed to be here kicking back and cleaning out my work email ready to celebrate all weekend long. That won't be happening because it isn't my last day. When I gave notice, my resignation was "up for discussion". This was news to me. In every other job I have had, when I have given notice, the response has always been "all the best for the future". I guess with all my previous jobs there was a use by date so by the time I quit, everyone was expecting it.

Not this time however, my resignation was not accepted until a few meeting/"chats" where to be had. Apparently everything really is negotiable. They didn't want me to leave and actually told me how valuable I was and how much they rely on me. This information could have been helpful before I decided to quit. So there were chats, and promises about change. To be honest I was doubtful, I thought things might change, but give it a week and it will all go back to normal.

So I continued attending interviews. Yes there are lots of jobs out there, but they are all the same, and these interviews are all the same, and the problem was, all the jobs were doing the same thing, but travelling further and in most cases for slightly less money. I began to wonder if it was worth it.

Fast forward 4 weeks and to my complete surprise, the changes of being nice and friendly, being respectful and actually treating me the way I should be treated have been MAINTAINED! But not just to me, to everyone, everyone is talking about the changes that have occurred. So at this stage I am staying. I am not thrilled about it, but then I am not thrilled about what other jobs are out there.

That is not to say the job hunting is over. But it is over for Sydney. The Boy and I have done a lot of research in the last fortnight, had a lot of conversations with ourselves and family and we can definitely move to the Central Coast in the next 6 - 18 months. So the job hunting has changed to the Central Coast. They have about 10-20 new jobs every day. Sydney - North has around 200. So I suspect it is going to take a long time to actually find a job that I want up there, but each week I will keep checking and I am sure eventually something will pop up. The Boy works up there so transport will not be an issue, and before we know it we'll be living up there anyway. Besides, I still have a uni application waiting, and that could change a lot of things, so I think everything has worked out for the best, for now anyway.

So alas, no big celebration this weekend, instead the (future) in-laws are arriving Sat night, which means a lot of cleaning and a lot of baking. Before all that however, hopefully the bed will arrive, but that is The Boy's problem. I am spending the morning getting my hair done and then a deluxe pedicure. Simply to celebrate the fact that I am getting out of the rut and am slowly, but consistently, making some positive changes to my life.

Image: Flickr

Frustrating

Trying to make some changes to my blog, been wanting to do the 3 column thing for ages now (because I don't like all the blank space on the left) , and I am just struggling to get it working the way I would like, so please bear with me. I really should not have bothered to attempt this at work because it is taking a lot longer than I would like but if I can't get it right by the weekend then back to the old template. If anyone knows anything about how I can change the margins so the 3 columns have a little space between them that would be great, otherwise I will continue to bang my head against the keyboard ;)

I Love Surprises!

When The Boy and I first moved in together, all of our money went to the first rent and the bond. We had a lot of stuff to fill a place because I had moved out so many times before (but always managed to find my way back to mum's again). One thing we needed was a mattress (neither of us wanted to use what we already had). His parents just bought a new one and offered us their old one which we accepted. It was only for a short period of time until we got around to buying a new one.

That short period of time turned into 1 whole year! (Oops!). I don't know why we didn't get around to it sooner, I suppose it was probably because of the cost. But for the past year we have been sleeping on a very bad mattress that wrecks our backs because it has no support and hence we really don't sleep that well. I am sure when they bought the mattress 10 years ago it had a lovely comfort top, but now it has disappeared and halfway through the night you can start to feel deep down to the springs!

I am a big "natural" person, don't like the artificial stuff, so naturally I wanted a latex bed, and not just a bed with a latex top, it had to be 100% latex, no wire and no foam. Of course natural doesn't come cheap, and as we started bed shopping 6 months ago, the full price for a bed that met those requirements was a lot more than we wanted to pay. The Boy spent many hours trying to convince me that we didn't need latex. I spend twice as much time telling him why we did. They last 20 years, they are natural, better for my asthma, they provide better support, they repel dust mites etc. I am pleased to say I won, I mean, convinced him. So we waited and waited and waited and eventually good old David Jones decided to have 40% off a select range of beds.

We tried a few, and finally narrowed it down. The store we bought it from had a very good (and smart) sales lady. We lay on the bed and she came over, we both sat up but she insisted we lie down as she would just talk us through the "features and benefits". The Boy actually started to doze off! I had to gently tap him awake again, that was all he needed to seal the deal. As we lay there, The Boy jokingly asked if she could throw some pillows in to.

"Sure, that shouldn't be a problem."

We were both shocked, we didn't expect this, it was David Jones for crying out loud not Bing Lee where "everything is negotiable."

We ordered the bed, and it should be arriving on Saturday (and if it doesn't there will be some phone calls). We had both forgot about the pillows. We just wanted the bed. Yesterday The Boy arrived home before I did and walked through the foyer twice. He didn't notice anything. I came home and noticed a bag sitting on the table in the foyer. Something inside me told me to walk over, and sure enough it was a package for us. I ran upstairs, threw my bags down on the floor and ripped it open wondering what on earth it was. Sure enough, inside were two, 100% latex pillows, the very same ones that I was planning on buying on Saturday once we had the new bed. The very same pillows that cost just under $100 each! I've never been so happy to receive mail before.

Of course we cannot use them yet. The Boy is very upset about this, but when you get pillows like this for nothing you have to protect them, so tomorrow night it is back to the shops to get some pillow protectors (which we don't already have because our current pillows are pretty terrible as well). I love surprises!

Elissa Is Not Always Right

Sometimes I think life is easier when you are single. It is your way or your way. You only have to think of yourself and no one else, you do what you want to do. Then you meet the man of your dreams and suddenly you have someone else to consider. At first it is exciting because you want the same things in life and share the same vision, and you talk about the amazing life you will have together and your heart is full of joy, knowing you finally found someone to share this amazing journey with you.

Then it eventually comes to "crunch time", when you need to stop talking about it and start doing. It is then that you realise that you are still two different people, and that although you still want the same things and still both want to reach that "shared vision", you both have very different ideas on how to actually go about making that vision reality.

That is the position I found myself in this morning as I was talking with The Boy. We talk every morning as it takes him an hour to get to work, he drives (has to) and we talk on the phone as I sit on the couch eating breakfast and putting on my make up. I thought we were talking today, but apparently we were arguing. I was expressing what I thought was the best way to move forward and how to manage a few areas of our shared life together, how to do it my way. He (naturally) felt I was getting stuck into him and telling him what to do. Ok, so maybe I was, but isn't that part of the (future) wife job? I wasn't really telling him what to do, I was just informing him what I thought was best. So of course we had a nice discussion/argument that ended with an agreement to not talk until at least a few hours had passed.

Many hours have passed, we have both apologised and have decided to talk tonight, work out the best plan (which I am sure will be a combination of my way and his) and take it from there. Just when I thought I had the whole relationship thing worked out, this happens. Yes I can be very stubborn, but I am learning, I am slowly letting go of my inner control freak and yes, for the first time in my entire life I am actually saying that perhaps I was wr...., not right, perhaps I was not right. Note to self: my way may not always be the best way.

My Inner Country Girl - The Conclusion

From about Yr 10 onwards I just assumed I would be doing Agriculture at uni. I was selected to attend an ag camp in Yr 10 and Yr 11 (only 2 or 3 students from each school goes to one of the uni's for a weekend to do lots of prac and "Ag stuff"). And with the addition of 3Unit in Yr 12, it was obvious. It was my favourite subject, it was my passion, I just loved it.

My next best subject was Biology. I was clearly a "sci-ency girl". I am a very analytical thinker and loved all that science teaches you. As it came time to make my initial list of preferences, Agriculture was #1. However, as it came time to lock in my selection I started to doubt it. I asked everyone what they thought I should do (in the days before I had the guts to actually think for myself). The school counsellor suggested Bio, as did my Bio teacher. Friends suggested bio, family suggested Bio, everyone suggested Bio, except Mrs Allen my Ag teacher who told me to do Ag. I felt I was more of a plant person so she suggested Horticulture. But, everyone told me "Do Science, specialise in Bio then you can do Ag later if you want."

In Yr 12 we (the Ag class) went to an excursion to the Ag farms at Sydney Uni. A lecturer gave a talk about wheat. About how one of his colleagues discovered the gene to ensure the wheat crop would always produce a tall crop and not a short crop and how this discovery had enabled millions of farmers in third world countries to provide food and an income. I was burning. This was what I wanted to do. Get into crops, make a discovery, help people. Mrs Allen asked me what I thought at the end and I told her with 100% certainly, I want this, I want to study Horticulture and make a difference. I was on fire.

But passion is quickly subdued when everyone tries to cover it with a fire blanket (and you let them), which in my case was sweet talking me to do Bio. I don't know what they thought was wrong with Ag. Maybe it was because it was "farming" in their eyes, and I was to "smart" for that. Or perhaps because my UAI could be "spent" better. At the time Ag only required a UAI of 60-70, but I could get into some science degrees that required a higher UAI than that and therefore I could "spend" it better. This was what people told me, that I was too good and should do better.

I should have listened to my gut and my heart, but I didn't. I was scared, I was confused, and I just wanted what was best for me. I didn't trust myself, I had low self esteem so surely everyone else's opinion was better than mine, right? So I choose Bio. And off I went to study Bio. Sure it was kinda fun. I enjoyed learning what I did, and all the problem solving and discovering just how amazing and wonderful life is, but none of it set my heart on fire. I discovered that Bio was something I loved to learn, but not loved to spend my life on. I didn't want it. So hence I never entered the world of Biology. It ended when I finished my degree.

I forgot about Ag. I had my Bio but I wasn't using it, therefore I would just live a life doing jobs I really didn't want. And that is what happened. I worked to have fun and to earn money, but I never took any of it seriously. This year, however, I decided it was time to change all that. I went back to my passions, and Ag was the one of only a few things that I was really, truly, passionate about.

Yes I am 27, but it is never too late. For the last several months I have researched, extensively, about how I can study Agriculture. I thought I would have to be an undergrad again, but as I persevered I discovered there was a post grad option. Post grad coursework that could lead to a Masters in Ag in coursework (same as a degree) and then I could do the Dip Ed and teach Agriculture!! (A dream). So, the other day, I went online to UAC and applied. Fingers crossed I hear good news soon. It is time to live again and be true to who I am; a passionate country girl.

Image: Flickr

Part One, Part Two

My Inner Country Girl - Part Two

Every year at presentation night I would sit at the announcement assembly secretly hoping that my name would be called out for one of the prizes. I wasn't sporty, arty or musical, and while I was good academically, there were girls who were ahead of me, so I had no reason to get an award, but I still hoped. In Year 12 it was my last chance. In our first assembly the principal gave the speech she gives every year for the first assembly and that was to set some goals, write them down, work hard etc. I never listened, but this time I did, and that afternoon when I came home I wrote down what I wanted to achieve that year and on that list included "To receive an award at Presentation Night."

In Year 12 they give all the generic awards, but also give awards to each person who comes first in each subject. I knew my best shot at getting an award was to come first in Agriculture. I was very confident in my ability to do this, I loved it and had no issues working hard at it. I was doing both the 2Unit and the 3Unit as well. For our first assessment I got 15/15, however, so did another girl, and it was suddenly apparent that she wanted that prize too. Clearly I had some competition. The next assessment was 14/15, she scored the same, this was not going to be easy.

I did have one advantage over her though, I was doing 3Unit and she wasn't. All 3Unit involved was the exam (50%) and a research project (50%). This was essentially a 6-9 month experiment. Mine was titled "The Nitrogen Levels in the Reproductive and Vegetative Stage of a Forage Wheat, Using An Artificial Fertiliser and An Organic Fertiliser". Basically I grew wheat in plastic containers in the backyard for 18weeks using two different fertilisers and then had the various components tested at the end. My parents loved that, having a massive patch in the backyard of dead grass from where all the pots were.

My competitor and I continued to battle it out, staying even the whole way through, even our trials didn't put one over the other. I could only hope that my 3Unit advantage would secure me the prize.

For the HSC itself, 3Unit Agriculture was my last exam. There was only about 7 of us doing the course and as we waited for the clock to hit 2:00pm, one of the supervisors smiled and asked if this was anybodies last exam. A few of us said yes. I was one of them. She smiled and said "Just think, after this exam, you will have finished school". Not the wisest thing to say to a bunch of girls just before an exam is to commence. I hadn't thought about that, I was about to finish school. I kept thinking about it, and thinking about it. It was 2pm, reading time, and thinking about it. 2:05pm commence writing, and freakin thinking about it. Can't breathe, about to finish school, freakin out, need to do exam, clock ticking, HELP!

I was sitting in my chair making nosies she looked at me and whispered;

"Are you Ok?"

"I can't breathe."

"Let's take you outside"

She walked over and escorted me outside. It was my first ever panic attack.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm about to finish school, but I have to do this exam, I worked so hard for this, I have to do it."

"Just take some deep breathes, just calm down, take your time."

"No, I cannot I have to do this exam."

I looked at her, took one breath and walked in, I was suddenly on auto pilot, I sat in my chair and just started writing, pushing all other thoughts out of my head. I had wasted at least 10 minutes, and these exams left no room for error. My saving grace was the fact that throughout the year I did every single past exam paper for 3Unit and my teacher marked every single one and gave me very thorough feedback. Because of that I was able to answer the questions, because I already had answered them. As she called "Pens down" I had just finished all the questions. But I had not put my student number on any of the pages. She very graciously let me do that then and there without saying a word, (probably because she knew if she kept her mouth shut I wouldn't have been in that situation). It was over, I had finished school. I should have been jumping for joy, but instead, I was devastated. Mum was picking me up from school to celebrate and I got in the car and burst into tears telling her what happened and I had no idea what I wrote and it was all a big mess and I was going to screw up the HSC and not get the UAI I wanted and my life was over.

A few weeks later we all gathered a few days before presentation night to find out who was getting an award. I sat with my friends, hoping.

"Agriculture, Elissa"

I did it.

When the HSC results came out I was trembling, so afraid of what my UAI would be and how my poor effort in 3Unit would have effected it. Turns out it was my best subject, 47/50. Couldn't ask for anything better.

Now all I had to do was finalise my uni preferences....

Conclusion to come.

Look At What We Did

The Boy and I had no fun on the weekend. Well, maybe only 10%, we did go out to breakfast on Sunday (bacon, eggs, hash brown, toast with butter....oh yeah) and we did veg on the couch on Saturday night with a few DVD's, pizza and chocolate. But otherwise we were very very busy. We finally finished all the spring cleaning. All of it, we cleaned out cupboards and finally moved a lot of stuff to the storeroom, some stuff that had not moved since we moved in, all went downstairs. We also threw out a lot of crap, lots of boxes and rubbish and stuff we didn't need. We filled up three massive bags of clothes to give away, and we filled up all the recycling bins downstairs and one of the rubbish ones too.

So it is all done now. The house is clean, the two spare rooms that were just being used to store things are now clear and can finally be used. I even cleaned out my desk. My tray was overflowing and my desk was full of various paperwork and meaningless clutter that I could no longer see my desk, and now there is nothing. Which means I have no excuse for not doing my writing in a few weeks time.

And we now have a home gym. Moving that gear up 4 flights of stairs was quite a work out, but at least we'll never have to do it again. The Boy was very happy with this arrangement and already we have used the equipment which is great.

I am feeling a lot better this week, after such a productive weekend we are finally moving forward again. We have completely changed our eating patterns around and also what we eat. Three days in and we have been sticking to the plan perfectly. We have both cut out a lot of sugar (we were having way to much anyway) so feeling a little crabby about that, but by the end of the week I am sure I will feel much better for it. Have been doing a lot of positive reading lately as well, so more changes to come, but all in good time. I am really hoping I will hear some good news soon, I have done all I can and the rest is out of my hands, but hopefully it will all work in my favour. If not, then I will just have to find another way to reach that dream.

People always say "Today is a new day" and I just rolled my eyes, thinking "obviously". But in the last week I have thought a lot about that, and it really is. I am not focusing on anything long term at the moment. I know what I want long term, but sitting around waiting for the 5 years to pass is not going to achieve anything, all I can do is what I have to do each day to make that happen. Everytime I have attempted to change my body, I always thought about how long it was going to take and how I had to suffer week after week. This time however, I just focus on today. What I am going to do about it today and if I can eat well and exercise today then I am one step closer, and then when I wake up I just repeat that and it doesn't seem so difficult anymore. It's not just with the health side of things either, it is everything. There has definitely been an attitude shift with The Boy and I and I'm looking forward to seeing what that produces.

It's Been Confirmed

I went to see the Dr on Tuesday night for my monthly check up (I see her monthly due to the anxiety) and as soon as I walked in she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, I was just tired. We started talking about how things were going blah blah blah and then I told her I thought my life was in a rut. She agreed and confirmed that yes, my life is currently in a rut. All the signs were there, dirty dishes piling up in the sink, the fact that the spring cleaning still remains only half done, and of course because I am now watching freakin Neighbours, which I haven't watched in 10 years because there is nothing else on TV! How did this happen? I used to watch TV about 3 hours a week, and now it is more like 3 hours a day!

I know how it happened. I got off the medication. As soon as that happened everything changed. I "took it easy" so I didn't create any situations that may make me anxious, I had to learn to cope on my own. The amazing thing is I have coped brilliantly, since I got off the (alleged) anti-anxiety medication I have been less anxious. In fact I would say that I am anxious about 5% of the time now. That is nothing, at it's worst it was about 90%. So what am I doing? I used the "I just came off my meds and therefore need to take it easy" excuse for everything! Nothing has been done, no writing, no exercise, no spring cleaning, no sorting out all the boxes at mum's house, nothing!

Well it has been nearly three months now and I am no longer going to use that excuse, as far as I am concerned it is not valid. I do not want to be spending my time at work and then on the couch too freakin lazy to do anything. That is not me at all! No wonder I am frustrated, confused and unhappy. My true self is being active and living life and enjoying it and doing what I need to do to achieve my dreams. For the last three months nothing has happened and I have nothing to show for it except for a slightly bigger arse from sitting down all the freakin' time!

Ok, rant is over. So needless to say I had a very productive session with the Dr. I came home and The Boy and I did some serious talking. He agreed that we are in this rut together and as such we are going to get out together. We began to write down how we wanted our lives to look and the steps to make it happen.

The first area we are going to work on (because you cannot transform every aspect overnight) is health and fitness. We both need to loose weight, at least 20kg each, and it would be nice to walk up the 4 flights of stairs from the car to our door without feeling out of breath (oh the shame). So we have scoured the internet to find ourselves a do-it-yourself weights and cardio program and are researching on what to eat. I always thought I knew what to eat, but clearly it ain't working and I'm not doing another program which is always a waste of money because all they tell you to do is eat carbs all day long which I manage to do on my own anyway and the weight still increases!

The Boy has even agreed to put the man cave on hold. He has some home gym equipment in the garage (which you cannot access when the cars are in) and he wants to use the man cave space to turn into our own little gym. He is serious. So this weekend we are moving it all up the 4 flights of stairs (so much fun - what to join us?) and creating our own little gym as well as planning every single meal for the week (and I think buying some protein powder - as in the muscle building stuff not the meal replacement stuff, must be a guy thing).

So this is part one of our plan. I suppose the purpose of this post was to get it all out of my head and onto the screen and to re-affirm what we are doing and to have a constant reminder as well. I'm feeling good, very happy and only having positive thoughts. This has been a long time coming and I am feeling so energized knowing that I am finally getting back on track. It is time to work towards those dreams again, and this time I am going to reach them.

Image: Flickr

Blog This: Challenge 20

Tell us TEN things you want to do in your lifetime that you've yet to achieve


One day while walking about

I stumbled, fell and put on a pout

A tiny gold lamp was there at my feet

I gave it a rub and oh what a treat

A genie emerged and he said to me

"I'll give you 10 wishes what will it be?"

A beautiful wedding to the man that I love

Followed by some children who we'll be so proud of

To have a full bank account each and every day

And choose to work for pleasure regardless of the pay

As time passes say farewell to the kids as we hit the dirt track

Travel round this beautiful country, admiring the outback

Then there is the 2 kilo pile I call my book

I'd love to see it in a bookshop when I pop in for a look

And one day I'd like to act like a child

Jumping of a cliff and hand glide into the wild

A stunning body, eye popping, fit and slim

As long as I don't have to spend hours in the gym

And who can forget the dream house on the hill

Out in the country where everything is peaceful and still

Of course before all that, what I want the most

Is a secluded weekend with The Boy spent up the coast.

Image: Flickr