Reasons To Stay

So why would I want to stay here in Sydney? What are the factors that would make me turn down this opportunity?

• Family. Obviously. I have lived in Sydney all my life never left it, and for most of that time I lived with my parents and brother. I have moved out but it has always been no more than a half hour car trip away. I would say that I am close to my family, but not in a traditional sense. My family has always been there for me and helped me when I needed it, and always showed me that they loved me. Aside from my parents and brother I also have my grandmother and grandfather here as well. And finally my friends, while not many in number, they are of the highest quality. If I want my mum I would have to spend 2 hours in the car trying to get to her. I can't just pop in for a chat. I feel safe here, and if I moved I think I would feel isolated, because I would only have The Boy and his parents that would be it. Sure we would make friends, but that takes time.

• Comfort zone. My comfort zone is here, I feel safe and relaxed, which is a good thing for my anxiety. I have pushed my comfort zone a lot in the last twelve months, I have moved in with The Boy, a first, I finally went away and left Sydney for a few weekends, something I had not done in about 5 years at least (due to anxiety), and I tried numerous new things like toastmasters and dancing. I just don't know if I need to keep pushing the boundaries. I think I could do with some stability and just enjoy my life, not pack it up again and move for 6 months, then move again.

• (Future) In Laws. If we move we will be living with his parents, in their house, with them and with his brother too when he bothers to actually come home. I love his parents, they love me, we all get along really well, if they didn't want me being with their son they would have done everything they could to break us up (which was done in the past with every other girlfriend) but they have done nothing but help us and are now offering us free rent. But can I do this? I am alpha female, can I put that part of me away for 6 months? I can be Passive Elissa on the weekends when we see them, but for 7 days a week for 6 months, it cannot be done. I'm not worried about his dad, as long as I don't have to listen to him every night of the week telling me how awful the world is and making me want to go out and shot myself. But his mum, the epitome of Alpha Female. We are either going to end up as best friends or the claws will come out. I hope it is best friend status, but I don't know. And that fear that we will end up in a massive fight and having The Boy right in the middle of it, is enough to make me want to just stay and not have to worry about it.

• The need for stability. The Boy and I have already moved twice in the last 12 months, neither of us really want to do it AGAIN. And then, if we do move, we will have to pack up and move in 6 months once we buy a house. That is moving 4 times in the space of 18 months. Not only that, but by the time we establish ourselves, make friends, have people in our local area know us, we will be moving again and into a completely new area an hour away. Where is the stability? When do I get to just sit back, relax, look around at my life and think, "Yes, it is beautiful". I cannot do that if I am moving and turning my life upside down, twice in 6 months, not to mention the fact that is has already been turned upside down after meeting The Boy. I need some constants in my life. Change is good, but there is definitely a thing as too much change.

• Steady income. If we move, I could potentially be in a position where I do not earn an income. It will take time to find another job and if we move while I am looking then there will be a period of time, that maybe be a week or could even turn into months, where I will earn nothing. Which means it is all up to The Boy to provide for our lives and put all the extra money into the savings account. It would also mean that my debt would go nowhere as I would not allow him to pay it. I earned it, I can get rid of it myself. And if that is the case, what would be the point in moving? At least if I stay I can look for another job and once I have one secured, then give notice where I am, and at least my loan would get paid consistently. Maybe not as quickly as it could be, but it would still get done. If we stay, there is no risk, and I can maintain my independence. I have never relied on a man to pay my way, I like to pay my own way, sure down the track if we have children it will be different, but I honestly would not be comfortable with it at this stage in my life. It is a big step and our relationship is ready for it, but I personally am not.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. It is still the early days, I am sure I will add to this list and the other as we think more about it. Nothing will be decided until we talk to my parents when they get back from their outback adventure in 3 weeks. Until then The Boy and I need to keep discussing the pros and cons and try also to not think about it and realise we are alive and take time out to enjoy that.

Image: Flickr

Reasons To Leave

As cliche as it is, I think I should make a list. Ever since we spoke with FMIL my head has been buzzing non stop with all the options available, as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it, and I am still thinking about it when I go to bed, so I have to get all these thoughts out of my head and in front of me so I can be 100% sure that whatever we choose is the right thing to do.

• I would be debt free by the end of the year. The result of that is we can put a lot of money into our savings account and we would be in a position to buy a house in the new year, it will no longer be a fantasy dream that will happen at some unknown point in the future. It also means I can go back to uni next year. I have wanted to go back for about two years now, but always put it off because I "couldn't afford it". If I put all my income into my debt and savings account I can go back next year and get it done.
  

• I would have the option to work part time. This is my fantasy life. Working part time and studying part time or just doing whatever I feel like. At the moment I find it hard, as The Boy and I both work full time, it is hard to come home after work and make a really nice dinner, and clean the dishes and do the washing and all the cleaning, and I am so sick of spending Saturday morning cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the Penthouse. If I worked part time I could get more housework done spread nicely over the week and I could create wonderful healthy dinners made from scratch and with love every night. Of course the major benefit of working part time is that I could easily have my book up to publishing standard in 4-6 months time and my dream of being published could become reality as early as 2010.

• Country lifestyle. Clean air, relaxed way of living, less people, less traffic, being able to go to the shops and actually move without hitting people with my handbag. Having people serve me at the shops. Being able to see natural landscape and not having my lungs get congested with fumes from the highway. Surely this would benefit my anxiety immensely, my shrink even told me she thought it would be best to get out of Sydney ages ago. Perhaps this could be an environment and way of life that I would thrive in. I could even join the CWA, something I have always wanted to secretly do.

• Adventure. At the end of the day this would be an adventure. I have been wanting to just do something out of my comfort zone, I was thinking about going off to Europe and travelling around, but maybe this could be my adventure instead. A smarter adventure with many benefits at the end of it. It is only for 6 months, and I could just be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I could work when I want to, learn to knit and bake scones, I could set up a veggie garden and begin producing my own organic vegetables. We would have the ability to actually go away on weekends and stay somewhere nice. I would be starting from scratch, and whatever happens is up to me. I have nothing to loose, the only thing keeping me in Sydney would be friends and family, I was going to get a new job anyway, so now is the perfect time for me to just pack up and leave for an adventure.

These seem like good points, there are not a lot of points, but they are all very good and very big things. I can see a lot of dreams being achieved this way. Now it is time to think about why I should stay

Image: Flickr

Decisions, Decisions

I had a very intense weekend. I don't know where to start. FMIL came down, we had to go into the city to try and sell The Boy's brothers engagement ring. He bought it for his then girlfriend but they split before he proposed so now he is stuck trying to get rid of a 1/2 caret princess cut solitaire ring.

So we went into the city, the place we wanted wasn't open and we tried a few others without much luck. I will admit I was in a bad mood. Work is really taking it's toll on me, and a few other things as well. I mentioned to The Boy how much I really didn't want to be in the city doing all this. He, innocently mentioned it to FMIL, failing to see the potential damage it could cause. So I had my first "tiff" with FMIL. I knew it had to happen eventually, we are both alpha female, except I hide my alpha female in her presence. She went on about the importance of family and it ended with me apologising, giving her a hug and bursting into tears. It was then we told her everything.

Everything includes my job, how badly I am treated there, it is only getting worse. I'm not even treated like a person, just a robot, where my workload gets bigger and bigger. The Boy saw this coming months and months ago, but it has only been in the last few weeks I have come to realise just how bad it is. Enough is enough, I do not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. So we told her about that, and how I was trapped because I cannot leave my job because of my debt to pay. And then we told her about how we are struggling to get what we need to buy a house, and that it may not happen next year at all.

Her answer to all of this, was for us to come and live with them, rent free, the only thing we would need to pay for would be food, and everything we earn goes straight into buying a house. Only problem is, they live 2 hours away.

It seems like the right thing to do. On paper. But I have lived in Sydney all my life, born and bred, and I have never done anything like this. It is what The Boy did for me 10 months ago and now it might be my turn. It would only be for 6 months tops. Besides what do I have here anyway? Family and friends, that's it. Not my job, nothing, just people.

So much to think about, my mind is racing with possibility. I am experiencing every emotion there is, and I am feeling stressed. I know it would be the right thing to do, but we cannot make this decision lightly. I need stability but I also know I cannot stay living the way I am. I need change as much as I don't need it. I have always felt that I was a country girl and would end up living a country life, I just always thought it was in the future. Perhaps it is, in the immediate future. So much to think about, I'll keep you posted.

Breaking Free

I used to work in retail in the confectionery department and on the back wall was a quote. "Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth always lies." I have found this to be true. I don't lie though, I love chocolate. But it has gone from being a treat to becoming an everyday staple in my diet. In the last few days I have been eating a lot more than I usually do because "I have PMS and therefore I can eat as much chocolate as I want and you had better not say otherwise". As I sat last night after dinner looking at an open packet of 70% organic dark chocolate with already two rows gone and no doubt more to be eaten I realised I have a problem.

So as of today I am taking a week off. Sure I probably need to take more time away from it, at least a month, but if that was the goal it would be too hard and I would be inhaling it within an hour of making that goal. I have done a week before. I can do it again. Although last time I wasn't a hormonal woman snapping at The Boy and grinding my teeth at work while trying not to stand up tell them what I really think and walking out the door. But I figure if I can do it while I am all these things then I can definitely break this addiction.

The Boy said he would join me. I told him chocolate included milo. He agreed. This morning as I hugged him while he was putting his shoes on I said to him.

"What am I going to do? I always have hot chocolate with my cereal, what do I do now?" (Having it first thing in the morning as soon as I wake up - if that is not an addiction I don't know what is)
The Boy said nothing. In fact he looked away from me.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Did you have hot chocolate this morning?"
"Maybe."
"But last night we agreed, and I said no milo."
"It wasn't milo, it was drinking chocolate."

Men. What else can I say. Apparently he is now going without. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. So this morning in my glass of hot milk I put in instant coffee. Really not the same. I might have to have a smoothie or something tomorrow. And what about tonight? What do I do after dinner when I am craving something sweet and experiencing some serious cramping? Munch on an apple? And on the weekend with FMIL coming down, what do I do? Bake a carrot cake?

OK I am not in denial anymore, I can see it is a problem. One that is now being stopped. I am going to go now, and google "chocolate replacement" and maybe eat a banana and think about fruit and vegetables and remind myself how great being a woman is. I wonder if sarcasm is a withdrawal symptom?

Image: Flickr

Notice Anything Different?

There is something different about this canvas. Notice it? Yes I have added another leaf that looks like a bare bottom could be sitting on top of it. But there is something else....

The dark green leaf on the left hand side is gone. Gone! All that hard work and effort and it is gone! Why? Well as I was constructing the large leaf it was getting close to the dark green one. So close that I was going to end up running into it. I picked up my chart and looked very carefully. On the 7th row from the top of the dark green leaf I made an error. I was one stitch over, which meant that every row under that (about 20-30) was one over. Was this a problem? Yes.

The Boy told me I was "talented" enough that I could just work around it. I told him it wasn't talent, it was following a chart and I had made an error in doing that and it didn't matter what he said it had to be made right. Maybe I could have done a botch job, but if I did it would bother me for the rest of my life. I would see it hanging up in a certain person's house, and everytime I saw it I would be reminded. The leaf would have to go and would have to be sewn again, this time in the correct spot.

I don't know how it happened in the first place. I am not careless when it comes to these things. So I think it was one of two things. Either I was so absorbed in Sex and the City that I wasn't paying enough attention (although given I could recite the scripts myself I doubt it) or that I was so excited about getting back into tapestry that I didn't look closely enough at the chart and my work because I was a little too determined to get it done. It has certainly been a lesson. I know doing a rush job never pays off. I just didn't apply my knowledge of that at the time. Next time I will be more aware.

So, I had to remove the offending leaf. How was I going to do that? I searched my sewing box and couldn't find my unpicker, or my embroidery scissor. Which means that I must have another secret stash of sewing supplies hidden somewhere at mum's house. Out of pure frustration and a strong desire to make things right I began to cut the wool with ordinary scissors. It was very difficult. The Boy pulled the canvas out of my hands and told me not to be so stupid and to stop before I put a hole in it. He then disappeared, and emerged a minute later with...... his razor.

What did he do? He sat with my canvas on his lap and shaved the back of the offending leaf. Very gently, and with great care, and slowly the wool began to pull away. He was slow, and patient, and I watched as the leaf disappeared before my eyes. Before I knew it, it was gone. The canvas was unharmed and I was free to start again. I looked at disbelief at the pile of wool in front of me. Sure it might not be in the tapestry books, but it worked. I was a happy camper. I could now carry on anxiety free.

I couldn't help but smile for the rest of the night. I think you can see why.

Re-Discovering Past Hobbies

With my passion for tennis re-ignited, I decided it was time I explored some more of the things I loved when I was younger to see if I wanted to get back into them. Sewing (clothes and all forms of needle art) was one of them.

At school I did Textiles and Design and in Year 10 we had to make a dress and complete a needle art of some form. Most girls choose cross stitch. I decided to be a little different and after talking to mum I found myself learning tapestry. I received full marks for my piece and I was in love with it. I continued doing tapestry while at uni, but of course, like everything else, once I began working full time it stopped. That was until last weekend.

This Christmas I want to give gifts that have been "made with love". So I decided for one particular person I was going to make them a tapestry. I found my old books (thankfully I still have as they are no longer in print) picked a design (one had always wanted to get around to doing) and went to visit one of the only places in Sydney where I could get supplies. The previous weekend The Boy and I went out to another 'Supa Centa' where both Spotlight and Lincraft were located and they only catered for cross stitching (and even that was very limited). So last weekend it was off to the wonderful ladies at The Crewel Gobelin. If you are in Sydney and into any kind of tapestry, cross stitch, stitchery or anything similar I recommend you go there, it is worth the trip as they have abundant supplies and old fashioned service.

I spent almost half an hour there as the woman helping me very patiently picked out everything I would need. While I was there I also went through their items for sale and picked up two stitchery kits, something I have been meaning to learn, which will be done after this tapestry. Once I was home I couldn't wait to get started, and began the lengthy task of assembling the frame, finding the exact centre point of the canvas (I am a perfectionist so naturally I counted every single square and worked out the absolute centre from there) and tacking in the centre lines. After that I was finally able to begin.

It all came back to me, how addictive it is, the sense of achievement from every completed section and looking at the canvas beginning to take shape, and also the relaxation and peace you get from it. I now have a new favourite thing to do on Sunday mornings. I always do my beauty routine then, hair mask, let that sit in a towel for an hour, then full body scrub followed with lotion and a full facial. And now as I sit with my hair mask or face mask I am now sitting on the lounge with my tapestry while watching Sex and the City. Utterly relaxing as I get into the rhythmic flow of weaving the needle in and out. I was the most relaxed I have felt in a long time.So there is my work. I am totally loving re-discovering past hobbies. I wonder what it will turn into, and more importantly, who will be the lucky receiver of this gift? I know what I will be doing this weekend, what about you?

Is That An Answer?

Work. I don't hide the fact that my current role is a paycheck and not a career. I work hard, I do all that is asked of me to a high standard and am always efficient. But that is as far as it goes. I have no ambition to pursue my current field. Lately I have been questioning whether to stay or move on. Maybe it is time to go out and get into the scientific world (and actually use that Biology degree I spent three years obtaining). I didn't take that path at the time for a reason, instead I choose what was already familiar and it lead me on a very wild journey to rock bottom and back again. It was also a journey where I finally found out who I was and what I was good at and knowing there was nothing wrong with being proud of my abilities.

But now, I think it is time to change paths again. I feel I am finally making progress on the life I dream of, and working in this job does not fit that picture. So here I was sitting at my desk, doing the work, but also thinking, should I move on?

And what happens? Some random guy walks in who was cleary on drugs or with a strong addiction and was needing a hit or something, and asks to speak to whoever was in charge. The female boss said "I am." He wanted a male. He was informed it was her or nothing. He decided to yell out every swear word possible, I am sure there was one or two I have never heard and then he pounded his fist down on the counter. I sat there frozen and terrified.

Fortunately he left after his fist pounding, storming out yellowing and slamming the door, and I was left with a racing heart and severe shaking. It is a small office in a small office block, anyone can just walk in, and with no men around (most days anyway) it would be easy for something to happen. The female boss asked if I was ok. I nodded, and she told me that if I was ever in here alone (as I sometimes am) to just lock the front door. I will be doing that every time now.

So, is that my answer? I could be reading into it waaaaayyyy to much, but then it is a very random thing to do. We are not a shop front on a highway, but tucked away from the main road and down a very steep driveway. You would have to know these offices existed to come into them. Very random indeed.

Naturally I called The Boy to make me feel better. Of course he affirmed what I was already thinking. That yes I should begin searching elsewhere. We are going to talk about it tonight, I sense another weekend of thinking will be coming up. Or not, as I am quite sure I have already found my answer, just need to work on the how.

Image: Flickr

What A Fluke

The Boy once told me (I think it may have been while watching Masterchef - a show I have tried very hard not to get addicted to) that sometimes the greatest dishes come from a mistake. Well last night that certainly happened with dinner.

We had planned our dinners for the week on Sunday and last night was chicken stir fry. In an attempt not to buy a ready made sauce due to all the artificial crap in them (still need to google "vegetable gum") and also save some money I thought I would make my own. The Boy felt like honey and soy and wanted to buy some. I told him to buy soy sauce and I would do it myself. I have vague memories of mum doing honey and soy and making the sauce from scratch, because I would sometimes sit at the bench in the kitchen and watch her cook (which could explain why I can now make some decent meals) and when she made honey soy chicken I would dip my finger into the measuring cup as she coated the chicken with a pastry brush and would savour the contrasting flavours.

I figured all I needed was two ingredients, so I put a spoonful of honey in a cup with an equal amount of soy and zapped it in the microwave. The Boy meanwhile put the chicken in the saucepan even though I wanted to coat the chicken first. He told me not to worry about it and poured the sauce straight in. It began to bubble away and I wondered what on earth we had created, hoping some weird chemical reaction wasn't going to occur that was going to kill us.
As you can see it turned out wonderful. The chicken cooked in the sauce and was a lovely golden brown colour, very moist and full of flavour. The Boy loved it and it is definitely going to be created again. We both think it is even good enough to be made for guests! And the best thing of all? It is 100% healthy and 100% natural, nothing artificial at all. Totally loving that.

I've Been Thinking

This last week I have been looking back at the last 6 months and also looking ahead for the rest of the year. As a result and also talking with The Boy, some decisions have been made. The first one is that we have pushed back the wedding. It was originally May/June next year, however given how cold it is, we want a spring/summer wedding so it has been moved,. This means everything starts again because the place we had planned was perfect for autumn with all the golden leaves falling down the gravel path.... and now, who knows. We are not even going to set a month, it could be 2011 at this stage. It was putting a lot of pressure on us and we have just removed all that pressure. What is the rush? It will happen, we have other priorities to focus on and our time, energy, effort and money is better spent on other dreams. We have decided to talk about it again in 3 months and see where we are at.

The other decision I made is that I am going to put my editing on hold for 4 weeks. I have managed to prove to myself this year that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. The little steps really do add up to significant results over time. So with that, I have decided that I am going to focus my time and energy on another goal I have had and have been thinking about for a while now. I think 4 weeks of solid focus on that is enough time for me to set myself up, and begin taking those first steps, and after that time I should be able to do both my writing and this other goal together. If not, then I'll have to just try something else. (Yes I know, very secretive, all will be revealed in good time I promise).

I am actually feeling fantastic today. Now that the pressure is off, I feel great, and I feel that I can do whatever I want to, and that everything will happen when it is supposed too. I put too much emphasis on dates and I need to stop, because they are only setting me up for failure. By removing my time lines and letting things happen a little more naturally, I now feel so much more at peace with it all, and more willing to do what I need to do, so that the chances of success feel 100 times greater.

I have no doubt that I will come back to my writing feeling refreshed and ready to focus on it once more, and having a new perspective on the entire work, and the way I go about it. I also know that The Boy and I can plan the wedding of our dreams whenever we feel like it. We can also show a little patience and delay the gratification so we can eventually buy the property we really want and be able to do whatever we want to it. Finally I feel confident as I begin a new journey today that I will succeed. As I was having breakfast at 7am this morning, I found a quote, and it sums up how I am feeling perfectly.

"Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth" - Julie Andrews

Image: Flickr

Did I Overreact?

You cannot chose your neighbours, but I wish you could. Ever since Day 1 we have had problems with, hmmm lets call her Mrs B (I am sure you can imagine which 5 letter word the B stands for). On Day 1 we were blocking the driveway for about 20 minutes to get some stuff in. Mrs B was not happy as she wanted to move her car. The Boy politely asked if we could have ten minutes to finish the job. She didn't want to give us that. She went on about how we are not "allowed" to block the driveway. The Boy pointed out to her that at one stage she moved in and likely blocked the driveway. Future Mother In Law (FMIL) then emerged and told the woman that she could wait or she could get her car out as there was enough room it would just depend on how skilled a driver she was.

Since that time there have been other issues, like the fact that we have possums in the roof. I don't know how but whenever body corporate get involved she has to get in on the act to, and decided to accompany the tradie to look at our roof. I opened the door and she let herself in, through the living area and opened the back door as if it was her own unit. It is my mum's and at the time she was in hospital and I didn't want to create drama while mum was unwell, otherwise I would have told Mrs B to go shove it.

Just over a week ago The Boy's parents and his brother left to go on a holiday to the USA. They are gone for 2.5 weeks. They live in the country and naturally, needed to catch a plane from Sydney airport. They asked if they could come down, stay the night and have us drive them to the airport. Of course we told them this was fine. So they did just that. We left their car in the visitors carpark. After all, they are visitors, and it was only for 2.5 weeks. We have been there for several months now and no one else uses the visitors carpark. Except one person. Mrs B, who has a BMW down there with a note on it "Unit # Car Broken Down". According to mum it has been there for over a year. Usually when a car breaks down you get it fixed in a short space of time.

So today, I was a little lazy and didn't organise lunch before I left. So I thought I would go home and have it and save my wallet and waist from take away. I parked in the visitors to save time as we have an manual garage. There was a note on FMIL's car.

"Can you please call Mrs B of Unit # on 0401 ### ### re: parking in the visitors carpark. Thanks".

I was fuming. No one wants to upset a family member when they have to deal with me. You just don't want to go there. So I pulled the note off, got out my pink pen and wrote on the note.

"Staying 2 weeks. Mind your own business! Thanks".

Yes I could have slipped the note under her door, but lets recall another incident. The Boy's car, his RX7 which he brought down to sell and he put it in the garage. We took it out a few times, always during the day, the latest we came home was maybe 10pm on a Friday night. Yes the car makes noise, but we never disturbed people in the early hours of the morning. The car is clearly sitting in our garage. You know, the one with our unit number sitting in the middle of the garage door for EVERYONE to see. Well, Mrs B wasn't happy. Perhaps we disturbed her menopausal nap one time, she decided to leave a note on the COMMUNITY NOTICE BOARD saying:

"To the owner, of the yellow mazda. Please be aware that noise pollution is taken seriously by the body corporate...... ..... NSW Police have the power to enforce these laws."

Hmmmmm I wonder who the owner is? Maybe US considering it is in OUR GARAGE??

So if Mrs B wants to play dirty, so will I. I stuck my reply on the community notice board. Was that wrong? I know you all would want me to take a picture of it and I tried, but the battery died in my camera. I took a picture with my phone, hopefully it turns out ok, I will try and post it when I get home.

So where to from here? Well I want to know what she is doing in the visitors carpark? It is at the bottom of the driveway, nothing is down there except for the car spots and her car. So how did she know FMIL's car was there for over a week? She would only know that if she was in the visitors carpark several times. So tonight The Boy and I are going to mark one of her tyres with chalk, take a picture and wait. I suspect in a few days the chalk will be gone, and we can take another picture, and if she wants to take this further, I am quite happy to slide the photos under her door. Hehe, she doesn't know who she is messing with. Honestly, who does she thinks she is?

Time To Say Goodbye

After some thought the last few days about how I can become more focused on my dreams and a few words that were said to me by a couple of people I have decided that after 5 years I am going to cancel my gym membership and say farewell to my trainer.

This is a big step for me as the gym and more importantly my trainer have played a big part in my life for the last 5 years, helping me to get through some tough times. But thankfully those times are over and I am in a new phase of my life and both the gym and my trainer are no longer the same.

I will start with the gym. It is a women's only gym and isn't one that has 30 minutes workouts. It was great when I first started. The people at the front desk cared, they made such an effort with everyone, all the staff were smiling, it was great. Then about two years ago it changed. It was taken over by someone else and suddenly all the great staff were leaving. They didn't like the way things were being done behind the scenes and they left. The new management thought in order to make the members happy they would jazz up the equipment. The result was that every piece of cardio equipment now had it's own TV screen for you to choose what you wanted to watch (but only from free to air which I felt was pretty pointless). Then the members started changing. An influx of women came in, but they were different. They were ruder, pushier and a lot more self centred. The lovely supportive, friendly environment that I had grown to love had gone and was replaced by total isolation, where even the girl at the front desk didn't bother stopping her conversation with the other staff member to give you your locker key.

I stopped going to the gym. Instead I turned my attention to working out outdoors, and guess what, I loved it!! I loved my Saturday morning walk/jog internal training. It was lovely, fresh air, beautiful homes and gardens to look at. I have never been able to step on a treadmill since. So I went to the gym maybe once a week to do some cardio and weights. But I stopped the cardio. I was too in love with my own cardio, running and tennis. So I was only going for the weights. The weights I did by myself. Free weights, not on the machines, in the tiny little corner where the free weights were. But then I got pushed out by several personal trainers who decided that as I wasn't paying $40 for a half hour session, they had every right to "politely" get in my space. Slowly edging me further and further away from the benches until a few weeks ago I gave in and just didn't bother anymore. I haven't been to the gym for almost a month now. It is not going to change, it has to compete with Fitness First now in the same complex, it is all about the bottom line and pushing people to do PT with them. I have proved to myself I don't need it so why bother?

Then there is my trainer. I have had a great relationship with her. She left the gym once the new management began as they told her things had to be done their way, she disagreed and left. I followed and we trained at a private studio. It was great. I was toning up and getting strong. But recently I have struggled. I have struggled to get their early in the mornings, and I have struggled to put the effort in. For the last few months she has changed the program so there is no direction in it and I do not feel I am getting anywhere. This week was the final straw.

She has been weighing me once a month and keeping me "in check" to help me loose a few kg.s I told her that I wanted to stop weighing myself as it was doing my head in and I was sick of it. I have bigger priorities and want to stop obsessing over everything thing I eat. She told me that if I wasn't prepared to give up anything I wouldn't get the body I wanted. Fair enough. She then told me that most people set a new years goal to loose weight, and they set it year after year after year, and that is because they don't want it enough. It is not a case of I don't want it. I do, but I want other things more. She then asked if maybe I didn't want to loose weight and that maybe I was only trying to because someone else was putting the pressure on me to loose weight. That someone, she suggested, was The Boy. She asked me if he wanted me to be thinner and was I doing this for him?

I was shocked that she asked that question. She has known me for 5 years and has seen me hit rock bottom and then climb out and get back on top again and beyond and she had the balls to say that to me. Did she really think if that was the case that I would be living with such an arsehole? Of course not! I was very disappointed. Maybe that is true for some of her clients, but not me, and I thought she would know that as she has met The Boy and is always telling me how great he is. Anyone who knows The Boy knows he is incapable of being an arsehole and tells me many times a day how beautiful I am. I walked out of there on Tuesday feeling defeated, as at the end she assured me it wasn't failure if I was backing out of a decision I couldn't put the effort into. It was just changing direction.

So I have decided to end the relationship with her. I'm not going to pay someone to make me feel bad about myself. If I wanted that I am sure I could get it for free if I spoke to a few old "frenemies".

It also means I will be about $250 richer a month, which means I am going to be debt free a lot sooner than I thought. That is a bigger goal for me. Besides, after her comments I am feeling very motivated to loose weight, and to do it without her assistance and on my own. Just to prove her wrong of course. Who said negative motivation doesn't work?

Image: Flickr

Out Of Reach

I am feeling much better today, headache free and once 5pm rolls around I will be feeling fantastic. The Boy and I had originally planned to take The Bus up the coast. The Bus is an old private school bus that seated about 12 people. His parents a few year ago bought it and converted it into a campervan. It sleeps 4 with two bunk beds, has a fridge, freezer, kettle and even a microwave. It even has a power cord that you can plug in at camping sites (can you tell I'm not a camper).

However, for the last 2 months, every weekend The Boy and I have either travelled or had people over to be entertained, and we all know how much work that can be. So we thought about it. If we took the bus to the coast, what does that entail? Firstly it means taking three times as long to make it up the coast because every other person in Sydney will be trying to get out as well. It also means organising all the food we will eat and buying it before we leave. It means packing everything we need. Finally once we get there we will be sharing a camping ground with hundreds of other people and will struggle to have any alone time.

So on closer inspection of this "great idea" we have decided that we are going to have our own mini holiday at home. As of midnight tonight all the phones are to be switched off, all computers off and the internet disconnected. None of these to return back on until Tuesday morning. We will be out of reach for the whole weekend. We will be buying food and renting DVD's tonight and locking the door to do whatever we please for three whole days. If we want to go out we will, but just the two of us, no one else.

I will return on Tuesday, I hope you all have a fabulous long weekend and spend it with the ones you love.

Image: Flickr

I Finally Gave In

The last two days I have had a headache, I woke up this morning and it was really really bad. Finally at 12:59pm I popped two white pills. Nurofen. After 6 months I finally gave in. Just to clarify no I do not, nor have I ever had a painkiller pill addiction. But 6 months ago I after some serious research into all the crap out there that I put into my body, medication, preservatives, additives, artificial sweetener, I decided I was going to take action. That action meant that I was going to cut out all the man made rubbish I was consuming as much as possible in a bid to have a more healthy, natural body.

Obviously it is an on-going process. But slowly I have made some significant changes, such as always using sugar, no more sweetener for me. That also means no more diet yoghurt and a whole range of "lite" dessert products. I now always check the ingredients to make sure I am not getting that stuff. Same goes for preservatives, I have changed to a lot of brands now because they are preservative free. Also I discovered a certain home brand had all their stuff made overseas, so even though it costs a little more, I get "Product Of Australia" everytime.

Anyway, part of this change was no more medication (except for the stuff from the Dr, but hopefully I can get off that at the end of the year). So if I had a headache I would drink more water, go for a walk outside, massage my neck, go to bed early, have something to eat or just walk away from the computer screen. It always worked. Until now, where it appears I have a migraine. So after sitting at my desk for over 4 hours in sheer pain I finally gave in and popped the pills. I didn't even have them in my bag, but The Boy insisted I take them to work today "just in case". I'm still waiting for them to kick in, I hope it is soon.

Oh well, it is done now, and if I begin to feel better soon it would have been worth it. Hopefully once I get home I can have a long soak in the bath and jump into bed and have a great nights sleep and feel a lot better in the morning. I will keep you posted.

Image: Flickr

I Almost Cried Today

At work, fortunately no one was in to see it. I have only cried once at work before, and that was when I was working in real estate. I was told by my boss that I was never going to pass probation unless I worked harder. I was already doing 6 days a week and staying back at night. I burst into tears in front of him and he told me to take the afternoon off to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I couldn't work for him anymore as he was lying to clients, cheating them, had no integrity and was conducting real estate in numerous illegal ways. However, I stuck it out and passed probation and two weeks later I gave him my notice. Because I passed it meant he couldn't get back the $6,500 he paid the agency for me. Hehe, that's what happens when you do the wrong thing!

Anyway, so today I was told to make a few phone calls. I knew it was out of my "job description", but no drama, I don't mind making phone calls, but I do mind when I know I only have about 5% of the information to make the call. Still I had to do what I was told and I made the first call. The woman on the other end of the line was very rude and asked me questions I couldn't answer. When I told her I didn't know she told me she couldn't help me as I didn't give her enough information. Fair enough, but it was no excuse for her rudeness. I hung up and told my boss what happened and he told me he would call her but I was to call the other people. That was when the eyes began to well.

I don't know why I let that silly woman and my boss bother me so much, but they did. It was probably a mixture of many thing outside of work, but her rudeness and knowing I had to face it again sent me over the edge. I sat at my desk feeling my swollen eyes and bit my lip as it began to quiver. I called The Boy. I love that man, he calmed me down, told me what to do and reassured me that yes I should be treated better and that yes I was too good to work here. I know I am, but I have my reasons for staying here. The home loan for one, and also because I am going back to uni next year or the year after. But today I just wondered if it was worth it.

However I do not think changing is worth it either. I have a lot to think about, and he told me we could discuss it tonight. There are many reasons to stay and many to go. I just wish I already had the life I am working towards, but I suppose the journey just makes you stronger. If dreams were easy we would all be living them out. But they are not, they are hard and require time and effort and require you to do things you don't want to do. This job is one of them. I have to do it even though I don't to because doing it is only going to bring me closer to some of those dreams I want. The few that I really really want that are in the top 3 of my dreams.

As it turns out my boss called me back about twenty minutes later to tell me not to make anymore calls, he would come back to the office and do it himself as it was above me. I knew that, I knew it the moment I found out I had to make those calls. Anyway, I should hit publish before he gets back, and get back to doing the stuff I am paid to do. Which is mainly being on call for when some real work actually needs to be done ;)

Image: Flickr

What About Me?

I discovered yesterday that my one and only magazine that I buy on the day it comes out every single month, Slimming & Health has been dropped. The next issue is to be the last. Did ACP give any thought to it's readers? To our needs and wants? What about me?

This magazine is my only monthly indulgence. I stopped buying all the other crap that always made me feel I was never cool enough, rich enough or skinny enough ages ago in an attempt to save money and gain back a little more self esteem. It worked very well for me. But S&H was different. It wasn't full of adds, it didn't have pages and pages of exercises I would never do, and it never spoke about the advantages of protein powder. All it ever did was talk about health, no crap, just health, with a little bit of beauty, fitness, food, real life success stories and a good dose of positive thinking. Even though the magazine was based on helping readers to loose weight, it never made me feel any less of myself if I didn't. It only ever made me feel good about all the things that I was doing to improve my overall health. And now it is gone.

So what do I do? Do I remove myself from 'magazine land' altogether? The mag is $6.10 a week, so after a full 12 months I will have $73.20 extra in my wallet. Hmmm even my facials cost more than that. So do I replace it? Do I find another magazine I can sit down at lunch with to inject some life into an otherwise beyond boring work day? What are the options?

Well there is Womens Health. I bought this magazine when it first came out, for about the first 4 months, after which I decided it was crap. 6 months ago I gave it another chance. It was still crap. It is full of information I already know, and the information is repeated every single issue, the only difference being it is worded differently. I never found joy from this magazine but rather total boredom and felt like banging my head against a brick wall would give me more pleasure. Might see if the hairdresser has a copy and see if after 6 months it has improved. I doubt it.

Womens Health & Fitness. This magazine isn't too bad. It is quite broad in it's information and is very open, such as discussing alternative therapies and the like. The information is very dense with very little fluff and gets to the point. It covers all aspects of health, fitness, food, mental, emotional, even spiritual. My only issue with this magazine is it is full of ads for protein powder and it has a lot of weight training exercises, which I personally don't need.

Perhaps I should venture away from Health and move into Lifestyle? It is time that I learnt how to co-ordinate furniture? How to have a dinner party? Or maybe I should explore fashion and attempt to look like a badly dressed woman with no idea at all. Or I could just use my lunch break to sit in silence and just dream. Hmmmm decisions, decisions, what am I going to do....