Banging My Head Against A Brick Wall

This is what is causing me so much joy and so much pain at the same time.

I logged onto blogger this morning, and I did this whole post about my nightmare weekend. But I thought, maybe I shouldn't post it. It was very angry and bitter and I really should keep things happy and positive. But I can't. I just received an email from someone and I could honestly bang my head against the wall right now. I've had to call The Boy to get him to deal with it cos I am too emotional right now and if I call her up it would end in verbal abuse.

What can I say, the shit has hit the fan. Here I was in la la land, thinking we found the perfect house, on the close to perfect block (the perfect block would be someone in tropical Queensland with ocean views and palm trees). And I was just swanning about with everything falling into place. We wanted air con, it was added to the tender, no drama. We found a conveyancer. So easy. Our house lady is so helpful. Why would anything bad happen? Because it has too, because life is not about holding hands and skipping down the street singing songs in perfect harmony, life is about everything falling into place and then blowing up in your face!

It started with the weekend. No it started with The Bank. We picked one that best suited our needs and what do you know, The Boy's parents know the NSW manager! So we thought, sweet, even though he was 2 hours away we took all our paperwork to go and have a nice little chat. He told us what we wanted to hear. He photocopied the relevant documents and we walked out smiling. He told us once we made our choice it would all be so easy. That he would draw up the contract and we would come in to sign.

Bulls**t!!!!! We were supposed to see him on Saturday. But he decided not to work, so we were seeing, let's call her B*t*h-Face. We called to advise we were late while on the freeway and she told us she didn't need us to come in! We could have spent the day in bed listening to the rain and watching DVD's instead of getting up early to get onto the freeway along with every other person in Sydney. LOVELY! She just needed me to scan and send one piece of information to her. So we turned around and did that.

Today she emails me a list of 9 separate bullet points of what she needs. I have no idea why we are now dealing with her, and what annoys me most of all, is that half this stuff we already gave to the first guy, and the other half he told us he didn't need! We had it all with us when we made the 2 hour trip to see him. What the crap is going on now? So now my stress levels have gone right up.

Which takes me back to the weekend. As we assumed we would be going to the bank, we thought we would drive down to the coast from the bank to watch the Mariners game (Soccer) which at 5pm as were in the car heading towards Gosford, they decided TO CANCEL! It was FMIL b'day the next day so that night we went up there, as there was no point going home. The Brother now has his girlfriend and her daughter (from another relationship) living there, and she has taken over, and the two spare rooms are now used as the daughter's bedroom and their own private TV room. Which meant The Boy and I were forced to sleep on a sofa bed in the shed, with a fan which did nothing to give us fresh air. I am still tired from the only hour of sleep I managed to obtain on Saturday night.

Then on Sunday The Boy decided to tell his mum exactly what he thought about some stuff which caused a giant fight in front of me and two other people (this woman does not understand the word private) which made for a lovely day. I have had to spend the last three weekends with FMIL and I have had enough. She has a very strong personality that I can only handle in small doses, as much as I love the woman.

So that is where I am at now. Displaying severe stress symptoms and now facing the true reality of what it means to buy a house and all the crap that goes along with it. Not to mention trying to set boundaries with FMIL who has never had anyone set boundaries with her before. Trying to prepare myself for the interview with the dream job I mentioned ages ago (they finally called on Friday) and getting ready to start my university studies in one week! I need a freakin holiday before I officially snap. Happy Monday everyone!

It's Almost Official

Yes I am back, and back for good this time, no more vanishing into thin air. At least not for about 8 months anyway. Firstly I just want to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog post. It made my day and I certainly have a few emails to send off.

Ok, this is just to give a quick update. We found land. It wasn't even on our list to look at, but after spending a very hot day (where I experienced my first episode of sunstroke) we went to speak to the house lady to cheer us up after walking around dirt for several hours not happy with what we were seeing and she showed us a block of land and it was perfect. Naturally someone else wanted it, and had already had a contact written up, however they hadn't paid the $500 deposit, so I sent The Boy off to the pub (cos they only take cash or cheque, does anyone still have a cheque book anymore?) and he returned with the money and it was ours. So I guess the other couple have learnt in the future to just hand over the cash, the deposit was after all fully refundable.

So now all the paperwork and contracts are getting done up and we are off to the bank on Saturday to sign away our financial life for the next 30 years. Life is very hectic at the moment, but now that there is logic and structure and a process I can handle it. Being an analytical thinker I can operate now, follow the steps, before I was just lost, running around totally clueless to empty blocks of land and calling agents asking random questions. I am so glad that is over with. It is all happening very quickly and I think The Boy and I are still in shock, but that is life, you never know what is around the corner.

I am glad we have it all sorted though. On Monday I received a package from UNE with all my lecture notes on CD for me to print. I had forgotten about the whole uni thing. Under two weeks to go now. All the notes are printed and I am ready, all 400 pages of notes! Which would explain why there is no text book, the notes are the text book.

On the job side of things, I have applied for 3 jobs up on the coast, with another two to send off today. I have heard nothing yet. I have to remind myself it is not Sydney and people are relaxed and take their time. Which is one of the reasons for moving up there in the first place.

On Monday I did receive a call about a job I applied for back in November. It was in Sydney, but in Hornsby, so I could do the Wyong-Tuggerah-Gosford-Woy Woy-Hornsby express. Anyway, the girl they picked back then decided to go travelling, so I interviewed on Tuesday. I am yet to hear back, he told me he will make his decision next week but he hopes I am successful. Not sure what than means but in all honestly I don't actually want the job because I don't want to work for him. The interview started well until he started asking me all the questions you are not allowed to ask. How old am I, am I renting and if so how much am I paying, and then he asked, "WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING CHILDREN?????" I just stared at him in shock for about 10 seconds before giving a fake laugh and responding with "I really haven't thought about it." Which is a total lie of course, but that wasn't a question I had prepared myself for, because you are not supposed to be asked it. Of course in retrospect I can now think of a thousand responses, which I guess I can use the next time it happens!?

On the health side of things I have lost 3.2kg so far, which I am pleased about, especially since the last two weeks it has gone from priority #1 to about #5. As long as I loose each week I am happy. So that is it for me now. I have so much reading to catch up on as well some more web surfing. Mum suggested that we may want to rent up the coast for 6 months to save some money, so my head is buzzing with this possibility and I have spent a good two hours shortlisting rentals. It makes sense but The Penthouse is not just a place to live, it was my grandmothers and I have spent my entire life seeing her there with very fond memories and only in the last 12 months living in it. I am not prepared to pack up and leave it in the next few weeks. Nor am I ready to say goodbye to everyone and everything I have ever known. That was always sometime in the future, not now. But then buying a house was always sometime in the future, and now look where I am. I am learning to love the unpredictability of life.

Image:Flickr

It Doesn't Rain It Pours

Yes I am still alive. I am very well, stressed and mildly anxious but overall I am fantastic. With my dreams for the year I wanted to get right into it. I didn't want to stuff around and hit June and think, I really should get started on that. So I set off, maybe a little too quickly. Actually, no that is not true. I set off on the weight loss goal. I wanted to start on that, get the whole healthy eating and exercise thing a habit so that when uni started (4 weeks now....) the healthy weight goal was manageable and I could focus on the uni and from there gradually move onto the others.

The buying a house goal was probably that last thing that was going to get started. Maybe around June even. But all of a sudden it has just gone full speed ahead. I don't even know how it happened or what caused it. We decided to explore the house and land option. If we moved 20 minutes away from our desired suburb we could get a good block of land and build a brand new house for the same price. After researching the area we are now in love with it. It is very family friend (and no, I am not) and we simply traded the beach for a lake (although we plan to move to the beach down the track but I can think about that in 5-10 years time).

So then on the weekend we found ourselves at Homeworld in Kellyville, fell in love with a house and this weekend we are up to the coast to scour land. Up until the weekend all my free time was in looking at floorplans, and dreaming about them. This week it has been searching for land that is flat (if an agent sends me details to a block they have had for a year because it is virtually horizontal I will scream) and dreaming about vacant blocks of land. Now I am stressing because there is so much to do and I want to find something before uni starts so I can put my focus into that. I don't care how long it takes to build the house. It can take 2 years for all I care, as long as we find the land we are looking for in the next four weeks.

Anyway, on top of that is work. Miss T has told me she is leaving. I am very happy for her, but have no idea who will keep me sane here. So after lunch I quickly looked on seek and there it was. The job I have been searching for, for the last 6 months. Right there, right in front of me, located in the very suburb we are looking for the land.

I am sure this post is coming across rushed and rambled and scattered, which, unfortunately, is my head space right now. Time for me to go, I have to polish the CV and focus my attention on an outstanding cover letter. Hopefully then I can clear my head and get back to being just me, doing what I want, when I want, and using the internet for fun, and if I never see the dimensions for a block of land again I will be very happy.

My Dreams For 2010

Weigh 30kg less than my January start weight

Finish the first draft of my manuscript

Receive Distinctions from my two uni subjects

Be personal debt free

Attend both a creative writing course and an acting course

Buy my first house with The Boy

Go away at least 4 times

Have a 'date' with The Boy once a week

Do something out of the ordinary twice a month

Live more in the moment and appreciate each day

Honesty

I really need to get my act together and post my 2010 goals up here because I am already referring to them. Monday night at the latest!

One such goals is to weigh lighter and maintain that. This is actually a joint goal with The Boy and I. We both have around 30kg to loose, half of which was gained the second we moved in together and we traded dinner dates to eating takeaway on the couch and watching movies all weekend (I am still trying to get some of those stains out). Anyway, as most people at this time of the year do, we started to change our "lifestyle". Considering we have both attempted this and failed many times before we have a plan of attack now and have enlisted some help from outside (more on that another day). But at the moment we are just eating a lot of salad and veggies and walking again.

The other day during our second walk of the year we were slowly walking up The Hill. We live in a very hilly area and had just been cruising along nicely on flats and downhill and at the end of the walk we have about a 1km journey all uphill with a very nasty incline. For motivation he decided to talk about how we are going to be weighing less at the end of the year, being our ideal size and how wonderful that will feel blah blah blah and then he said;

"You are going to look so much sexier when you have lost all that weight."

What? For the past 12 months The Boy and I have played the game of "Do you find me attractive?" "Of course I do." "Even though I am carrying around extra weight?" "Yes baby, you are very sexy." All year we have clearly been lying to each other!

I mean, you want honesty in your relationship. You really do, but you can be honest without telling the truth. I mean I do find him sexy as he is now, of course, but would I find him even more sexier when he is looking all buff? Of course I would! Would I tell him that? NO! I'm not lying, I am telling him he is sexy but I am simply not adding that perhaps a slight shift in weight could add to the sexiness factor. And I assumed he was the same. I know he finds me attractive but I know what I see in the mirror and I know what he is thinking. But why tell me.

I actually stopped walking and looked at him.

"What!?"

"You will look sexier when you loose weight."

"Am I not sexy now?"

"Of course you are, I am just saying you will look sexier. I want to see you in tight jeans with a little tight top that shows just your belly button, just a little bit of skin and when you lift up your arms you see a lot more skin. Oh yeah."

And then, HE LICKED HIS LIPS!

He is standing there fantasizing about a -30kg version of me and clearly enjoying it! I don't know if that is a compliment or an insult.

"So what am I now?" I asked for validation.

"You are sexy, very sexy, I'm just saying that you will be sexier, but you are already sexy, and won't you feel better about yourself? And won't you find me sexier too when I loose all this weight?"

Cleverly throwing it back to me, I respond with "Yes" and we continue walking. No more lies, the truth and the reality is all out in the open now. I think at the end of the day it is a compliment. I mean I would rather that then him writing me off altogether and just buying men's mags. I also think it means we are very comfortable in our relationship if we are being that honest with each other. Which is a great thing I am sure, but perhaps we are a little too comfortable? Or perhaps I was a little too comfortable living in denial. Hmmmm.....

Image: Flickr

Reflections

I wrote my post yesterday while I was still at work and hence still bothered by the whole incident. Much to my total astonishment (and delight) I came home and had left all that negative energy at work. Once again I had left it at the door. This is a huge thing for me because the ability to let things go, especially work stuff is something I have struggled with for years. Last year was probably the worst of it too. I would come home feeling deflated and unwilling to do anything and would snap at The Boy. Being able to let it all go and just be me at home was something I was aspiring to and all of a sudden I am there, and I have no idea how that happened.

I feel so liberated, so content and energised with this new found knowledge that today really is a new day and I don't need to carry around crap for days on end. I have known this for ages but the actual application eluded me. So how did I reach this point? I believe it is because I am more focused on what I want now. The Boy and I sat down in December to really write out our five year plan and to stop talking about an abstract vision but to detail every single thing we wanted and to write it down. We spent the whole month discussing and editing this vision and at the end of our holidays broke down that vision into yearly steps, thus forming our 2010 goals.

I didn't have that last year, I felt very lost last year, just floating around, knowing what I wanted and working on it, but working without a plan. I had the goal and I had the starting point but I never bothered with the actual plan of action. I have that now, and I think that is why I am able to let everything go now. Because at the end of the day I have too much to focus my time and energy on if I want to achieve those dreams that I simply cannot waste any of it on the meaningless of obsessing over people that want to bring me down.

At this point in time I cannot control my work environment, but I can control how I react to it. I am not going to let any of these family members bring me down, if that is how they get their kicks, fine, I just pity them. But I will no longer allow them to take me backwards on my journey and to consume my headspace, they are not worth it and my dreams are worth so much more. At the end of the day the only person who can make me feel back about myself is me.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and that manifested itself in that I let everyone walk all over me. But as I approached adulthood that started to change, the more I believed in myself and my abilities the more I stood up for myself and would no longer tolerate that behaviour from others. I managed to get that right but what people said to me still bothered me. I slowly gave up caring what other people thought about me, although for me this has been an up and down journey, with times when I fall back into old patterns like I have recently with work. The only people I listen to now are those I love and respect and are close to me and who I know will approach me from a place of love, not bitterness, nastiness, selfishness or jealousy. And while those at work will continue to say what they say, I am not going to let it break me. I might have my initial reaction, but it stops there. It is not coming home with me because what they say and think I actually do not care about, they are not people worthy of listening too.

I reflected last night that this is simply temporary. I have gone through so much worse and ended up so much better for it, so I am confident I will achieve the same result here. While I may not like it I am starting to see the good in it. It is giving me strength in who I am and what I can do. It is teaching me the skill of letting go, something I have longed for, for many years. Finally, it is giving me motivation. Because the more this happens the more motivated I am when I come home to do what I have to do. I have a 5 year plan that includes working for myself doing what I want to do and answering only to me, and I know how to get there, and while I have already begun taking those steps, each verbal abuse leads to taking those steps just a little quicker. Bring it on!

The (Belated) 2009 Summary

I made a comment to someone last week that last year was such a lazy year for me. That comment bugged me all day and when I later thought about it I realised how untrue it was. Sure I might not have accomplished everything I set out to, but does that mean I failed? Far from it. I achieved a lot last year, so I thought I would briefly summarise my achievements to inspire me and also so I can look back when I am struggling this year and remember that anything is possible.

Firstly I successfully came off the anti-anxiety medication. That was a goal I always thought would be in the future, but suddenly it happened. Not only did I come off the meds but I no longer suffer from anxiety. It does creep up now and then but I am free from it in my everyday life after battling it for many years.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do for the career aspect of my life. I was spending years floating around doing admin jobs and I was hungry for more. I wanted passion and fire and something I could look forward too. I finally went back to my childhood love of Agriculture and applied for uni and got in. Only 5 more weeks till I start now!

My manuscript, I realised this year that it is going to take a lot longer than I first thought it would. When I first wrote it, it was never a manuscript, it was all journal entries during a very dark time of my life and it wasn't until that period was ending I thought I would turn it into something more. So it means a lot more editing and so many more gaps to fill than if I just started out with the "let's write a book" goal (which sometimes I think I should just start again with it). However I did managed to edit over 100 pages of work and on top of that produce an additional 100 pages of writing which I think is a huge effort and it is something I am very proud of.

My relationship with The Boy has totally flourished. We only moved in together at the end of 2008 not having been together all that long and neither of us having lived with a partner before. The first few months were really tough and a huge shock and adjustment to both of us, but we have managed to get over all the drama and reach a really great place to be in. I don't really know how to put it into words, except that we are both happy and live together in harmony most of the time (still trying to work on a few more annoying habits).

I have also strengthened my relationship with my family. My mum commented the other day that since I moved in with The Boy I have grown up immensely and I have noticed that too and I just have a lovely relationship with my mum and dad now and even my brother. He has even started to hug me when he sees me now. This is huge considering when we were living together all we did was fight. I cannot remember the last time I fought with any of them.

I don't have a massive circle of friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and I'm very close to them, but I wanted to expand my circle a little bit more and I was fortunate over the 12 months to develop two new friendships from places I least expected it. It wasn't until I thought about this recently that I realised I am now good friends with both of them. It is weird because I think as an adult you kinda get stuck and it is so much harder to make friends. I know I will be friends with both these girls for so many years to come and it gives me confidence for when we move that I won't be isolated for long.

Money. Due to my younger, reckless years (how old does that sound!) I managed to rack up some personal debt, but this year I was able to halve it which was more than I thought I could do. I am very pleased about that but also realised I can always aim higher and push myself further.

And finally I acquired new skills such as cooking and rediscovered old ones such as my tapestry. I am loving learning new skills and finding joy in the old ones and this is something I will continue with this year also.

So there we go. Reflecting on this list I actually feel pretty good about myself and confident in what I can achieve this year. I am also reminded that I need to not only think positive thoughts but speak them as well. So the next time someone asks me how the last 12 months have been I am able to respond with pride that it was an amazing time with some wonderful dreams achieved.

Welcome 2010!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year, and is going to have an amazing 2010. Today is the first day back for me and I have so much to blog about and so many blogs to catch up on!

For today however I thought I would share my holiday and hopefully tomorrow I can share my plans for 2010, let's just say this year is going to be huge, so much to do.

Our holiday started with a trip to the Zoo, Mum found a free entry coupon so we spent the day there and it was really great. I haven't been since school so I really enjoyed it, although I wouldn't bother going full price at $41 each, I can think of other things to do with that money.

The next day it was up t0 the Hunter Valley to spend time with The Boy's parents. Yes she started talking to us again and once we got there it all seemed to be the proverbial water under the bridge, aside from a few remarks everything was ok. We were there until late Christmas Eve and I finally stopped being on my best behaviour and was just myself. I relaxed completely and I think they like the real me even more (as opposed to the Elissa that has to be on show all the time to let them know I am a suitable partner for The Boy - all in my head of course). While there I was able to fine tune my newly acquired boganista skills and can now mix it with the best of them up there. It is weird though, I kinda like it, like my inner bogan was just hiding inside of me all this time waiting to come out, although I could never give her free reign, that is just not my style.

I was completely spoiled on Christmas as The Boy gave me a Wii and hence we almost missed Christmas Lunch because I couldn't pull myself away from it. You know, we had to connect it all up just to make sure it was working.

I totally blew my monthly budget in one day at the post Christmas sales, but at least now I have the most divine bedding and with a few other accessories have created the bedroom just how I want it. It is now our little haven for romance and relaxation. I am back to journalling again because I love sitting on the one seater couch in the bedroom just writing, it is heavenly. I even managed to convince The Boy that yes we did need 1000 count Egyptian cotton sheets, although I am afraid to use them as they are so good. In fact the only thing I actually bought for myself was a nice pair of gold sandals and a new filofax, I am so turning into the lady of the house!

Before the new year The Boy and I went to the movies, gold class. It was my first time and I cannot go back now. I love the space of Gold Class and the limited seating and the fact there are no teenagers yelling and screaming behind me. We saw Avatar 3D and if you have not seen this movie I insist you go. I didn't think I would like it, but I loved every second of it and 3D was just amazing, and hello Sam Worthington - my new celeb crush!

And finally The Boy and I hosted out first every party. We had both our families over for New Years Eve which meant lots and lots of cleaning, so I am not in a hurry to do it again, but it was a lot of fun and a success so I am confident in my "hosting" abilities. Just thought I would test out my skills on the family first.

From New Years Day until this morning we have cocooned ourselves in The Penthouse recovering from the entire two weeks and sleeping in till 11 only to get up, have breakfast and park ourselves on the sofa until dinner time. The perfect end to a much needed holiday. If only I didn't have to be brought back to reality this morning. I was so happy.

It's About Time....

That I returned to the blogsphere, and also returned to my old self. Yes I am pleased to report that I am back on the other side, the happy one where the sides of my mouth actually turn upwards.

I would love to say that as soon as I look my little blogging break everything magically got better. But it didn't. In fact I totally redrew (is that a word?) myself from everything and everyone. No blog reading (so much to catch up on!) no emails, and no phone calls. I hardly even saw my mum who is only about 500m down the road. A few days later I felt I was about to have a nervous breakdown, my anxiety had come back with a passion and I was full of anger. I told The Boy, that was it, we needed a holiday and that night we booked for a weekend away (we booked it about 9 days in advance, which for us is definitely considered spur of the moment).

So last weekend The Boy took me up the coast and we found ourselves at this amazing B&B. It was the most wonderful weekend of my life and it was what I needed and it was what allowed me to turn back around and get happy again and re-gain focus and just be me. I had forgotten who I was, I was just so caught up in unhappiness and frustration. I knew the weekend would help but I didn't realise just how much. It changed everything and The Boy and I gained so much from it. We realised that we really were focusing on the wrong things and our priorities have changed as a result. We also let go of a lot of inhibitions and just lived, for example I actually found a swimsuit that fit my current body and yes I wore it on the beach in front of people and oddly enough I didn't care. In fact the "I wonder what these people are thinking of me" thought didn't even enter my head!

Anyway, the weekend changed a lot, and made clear to us what we need to focus on, what is important and to also have fun. We were even more spontaneous because twenty minutes after we left on Sunday morning we rang the owner up to find out if we could stay one more night. Which we did and we left at 7am and I got to work right on time, although could barely function as it was too hard to switch off my holiday brain. Given it is now December I will be sharing the plans for next year etc, just clarify it for myself what 2010 will be for us.

And finally what the weekend also did was assured us that our future is up on the Central Coast. Just being there felt so right, and it felt like home. Both The Boy and I commented that we felt like locals. It was a great feeling. The picture about is showing Forresters Beach which is where we stayed and I am so in love with the Central Coast and 100% over Sydney that I feel dirty being back here again. Bring on 2010.

Time To Be Honest

I always wanted my blog to be a positive place. A place I could come and write, and write honestly about my life and my dreams but always with a positive attitude. Let's face it, Dream Achieving is a very positive thing. Sure there are ups and downs but the downs are all part of the positive process. I have always been aware of this and didn't want to get too negative as I didn't feel this blog was the right place for negativity. Nothing good ever comes from it and it is a hindrance to moving forward and moving towards dreams. I have spent over 20 years of my life dwelling in negativity and there is no place in my life for it anymore.

I realise that recently I just stagnated. Just stopped and became stuck and entered a rut. I am sure this is all part of the long term process, but I didn't like it. More recently I have gone about changing that. I am very frustrated at the moment because as I am trying to change it, "it" just seems too much. The lists never end, and I feel I am going around in circles, still not knowing what to do, and feeling like there is too much to do, too much to deal with and change. That breeds more frustration and deepens the negative attitude that seems to have permanently taking up space in my life.

It is a lot of things. It is life in general, it is the fact that I have not had a holiday all year and need one, it is not spending time with The Boy because of work, it is money, it is weight, it is work, it is The Penthouse it is my anxiety creeping back and now to add to the list is a health concern.

Looking through my blog I can see that my negativity is coming through and that is not what I want. Writing with a negative attitude only cements it into my head when all I want is to bring back the positive. The Boy and I finally had a lovely day yesterday and we finally put on paper our plan for the next five years. I feel like the first step has been taken. There is so much more work ahead, but at least the first step has begun.

I am going to take a little break from my blog. Just a week or two. I'll still check in and keep up to date on everyone I follow, but I am just not going to write. I need to shift this negativity and I can only do that in the privacy of my own personal journal knowing it is just me and my thoughts. I need to get out of this headspace, tick a few things off the list and feel that I am back in control and feel I am moving forward once again. Moving being the key word, I don't want to stand still anymore. I need to take time out and breath and reconnect with who I am and my positive attitude. I know it is there, it has simply been pushed to the back. I have dealt with worse and I know I will get through it. See you on the other side. xoxo

Image: Flickr

Revelation and Re-Evaluation

This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like Cows, yes I am one of "those" people

Way too early yesterday morning I was thinking, as I do, and I suddenly had this big revelation. I was thinking about how I was feeling blah and not getting anywhere and how I am trying to pull myself out of the rut. The Boy and I decided that the first thing to work on was our health and fitness and to loose some weight blah blah blah, usual story. So for almost a month now we have been doing that, and it has been an awful process as we feel we have been banging out heads against the wall as we make progress so slowly, meanwhile everything else just seems to get worse and to be honest it doesn't really feel like we are climbing out of our rut at all.

During this time I have been thinking about the other areas that need work on and how I would address them once we had this health and fitness thing sorted. That's great, however it appears that my heart/gut/instinct, whatever you call it, was pulling me elsewhere. The amazing thing is that The Boy was going through the same thing, he was being pulled elsewhere and we were both being pulled to the same thing, primarily our finances, which I guess shows how in sync we are (which was also proved last night when I was sleeping alone cos he was away and I kept waking up looking for him, is that sweet or tragic?).

So my big revelation was to focus on what I am being pulled to, let the weight issue go for now and focus on what else needs to be done. In an instant I just felt this huge wave of relief. I felt comfortable and calm and I felt that I was now on the right path. The decision was made and it just felt right. I decided that I was going to go with my gut and focus on two other areas of my life. Well, what can I say, yesterday my mind wouldn't stop, I came up with about a hundred solutions, I was busy writing everything down, it was just idea after idea after idea. Last night I spoke to The Boy on the phone about all these great ideas and he agreed on most of them and I honesty feel that now we can cross one issue off the list. That area of our life just seems to be fixed overnight. Sure we have to actively make sure we stick to the plan, but it won't take much, in fact it is now easier than what we were doing, which was really just going around in circles.

I feel so much happier now, and I feel like I am finally making progress and sorting stuff out. Going to give it at least 6 weeks to carry out what we need to do, while also sorting out everything organisational. All the boxes will be unpacked and all paperwork will be re-sorted and everything done, all in one place, and all easy to find. This includes cleaning out the garage and continuing to get rid of a huge amount of crap.

Of course, having said all of this, I am not about to park myself out the front of McDonald's everyday, nor am I going to shop only from the Confectionery aisle. I will still continue to cook healthy meals and eat well and exercise. I am just not going to be so anal about it. If I find myself tired one night and really not bothered and discovering I am in the car about to order via drive through, that is ok, I am not going to stress or beat myself up over it. And of course Friday night take away, movies and chocolate will continue, oh yeah looking forward to that! If I can maintain till the end of the year I will be very very happy.

Reaching your goal weight, especially when you have about 25-30kg to loose is a full time deal. It requires a lot of planning, energy and discipline, and time. 12 weeks wouldn't cut it for me, I would need a least 52 weeks, and right now I cannot give it the attention it deserves and that is ok. When the time is right I will give it 100% and it will come off. That could be a month away it could be a year away. I don't know, but I trust it will happen when it should.

I have learnt to listen to myself, that in the end, I really do know what is best for me. I am confident also that if I make the wrong decision that my heart/gut/instinct, will lead me back to where I need to go and onto the right path, and confident also that everything else will happen when it should. There is a lot of peace from this lesson, I feel content and calm, something I have not felt for a while now. Just take a moment and listen, what is it that you really want right now?

Image: Flickr

Hmmmm

I don't know what exactly I am feeling today. Stressed. Work is suddenly busy (about time too because there are only so many times I can surf the web before I want to pick up my monitor and throw it out the window) and, naturally, nothing is working the way it should be and then someone comes along to "fix" it, but by "fixing" it they change the format and then I have to try and fix the formatting back to the way it was, meanwhile I am given more and more work.

I feel busy outside of work, so much to do and get done, it is like now that I am going to uni I have this sudden urge to sort out my entire life because I will not have time once I start studying, and I just have no time to do anything else now. I am dreading looking at my email cos it has been over a week and then I have friends trying to contact me via facebook for who knows what, even though I have not logged into facebook all year and once I finally get around to it, it will be to shut it down.

I feel blah, maybe a little sad. I feel frustrated. Could someone please answer a question for me. Why is it that when one area of your life suddenly comes alive and goes so well (right now my career/passion with getting into uni) that at the exact same time another area in your life that was going along so well suddenly manages to you-know-what up and you have more you-know-what to deal with? Is it me? Am I just not able to manage my life to enable two areas to work well together at the same time? Or is it just the way life is, that you cannot have everything going well for you because life is not like that. I know this is temporary, but I don't care, it just doesn't seem fair right now, and the more I try and fix everything the more it seems like I am going backwards.

Then there is The Boy, he is doing so well at work and is filling in a senior role for 4 weeks while some guy is away. He is also working 6 days for the next several weeks with a lot of overtime and on Saturday I was half asleep in bed, I kissed him good bye at 7am and I didn't see him again until he crawled into bed after midnight. Isn't it illegal to work that long? We both desperately just want to spend time with each other but there doesn't seem to be any time, and so we are getting a little cranky in general which doesn't help and all we both need is lots of hugs and kisses and a whole day to just lock ourselves up in The Penthouse and chill out.

And finally, (although I am sure there is more, good thing I am seeing my Shrink on Saturday) it is "that time of the year". Which means two things;

1. Christmas. Last year was spent with my parents, this year was going to be spent with his, at their place in the Hunter Valley. That is until they informed us that his sister refuses to drive down and therefore they are going to Coffs Harbour for Christmas, which is only like 8 hours away, and it will be her partners parents as well and their kids etc etc, and to be honest we both feel like we would be on the outside and neither of us want to travel that far. We have two weeks holiday and we don't want to spend it traveling and living in a big house with zero privacy. Next year we are having Christmas, and if no one turns up I don't care, too much drama and stress and guilt trying to go from one family to the next.

2. 2010. Time to start thinking about what we want to happen next year, what goals to set, what our priorities are, and also to reflect on what happened this year. I have no idea, as 2010 is not going to be at all what I thought it would be. I am going back to uni! That was never in the picture. So I guess I am feeling a little lost, The Boy and I both want to discuss these things but just cannot seem to find the time, and to top it off he is leaving me tomorrow for work and I won't see him till Thursday night.

I think I feel a little better now that it is all out there. Everything will happen when it should and I just need to relax and only focus on what I can do each day. Which right now means getting back to work and hopefully managing a smile. I will try my best.

I Have Some News

I am feeling a lot better about myself now. Have managed to get back on track and this time I actually wrote everything out on paper and have put it on the fridge. Having my goals and plans stored in my head and hoping for the best was clearly not working for me. I knew this all along, but what can I say, the rut made me lazy and laziness is a little hard to shake off.

But I have news. No I am not pregnant, no I am not engaged, and no I did not wake up to find a large pile of money next to my bed :( I did however discover that I was accepted into university! YAY!!!!

I could not be happier! I am doing this through UNE as a distance student, and will only have to head up to Armidale a couple of weeks a year for the prac work (which is a bonus because Armidale is one of my favourite places).

The Boy and I talked a lot last night and we have decided that next year I will only be doing one subject a semester, and see how that goes, it has been a while since I studied so I want to ease back into it. That and I also need to still work full time, so it will take me a very long time to graduate, but I don't care how long it takes, I am finally doing what I am supposed to do! I am so excited I have printed off every single page of all the units I can choose from and will study those in great detail this weekend. Yes I am such a nerd but I just embrace that! The only problem is, what am I going to do until Feb next year? I think the answer is enjoy all the free time I have now and live life to the fullest, cos once I start I'll be working, studying, having dinner and probably more study. But for now it is time to celebrate and enjoy this moment and use it to spur me on to achieve even more.

Image: Flickr

How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr

Elissa Is Not Always Right

Sometimes I think life is easier when you are single. It is your way or your way. You only have to think of yourself and no one else, you do what you want to do. Then you meet the man of your dreams and suddenly you have someone else to consider. At first it is exciting because you want the same things in life and share the same vision, and you talk about the amazing life you will have together and your heart is full of joy, knowing you finally found someone to share this amazing journey with you.

Then it eventually comes to "crunch time", when you need to stop talking about it and start doing. It is then that you realise that you are still two different people, and that although you still want the same things and still both want to reach that "shared vision", you both have very different ideas on how to actually go about making that vision reality.

That is the position I found myself in this morning as I was talking with The Boy. We talk every morning as it takes him an hour to get to work, he drives (has to) and we talk on the phone as I sit on the couch eating breakfast and putting on my make up. I thought we were talking today, but apparently we were arguing. I was expressing what I thought was the best way to move forward and how to manage a few areas of our shared life together, how to do it my way. He (naturally) felt I was getting stuck into him and telling him what to do. Ok, so maybe I was, but isn't that part of the (future) wife job? I wasn't really telling him what to do, I was just informing him what I thought was best. So of course we had a nice discussion/argument that ended with an agreement to not talk until at least a few hours had passed.

Many hours have passed, we have both apologised and have decided to talk tonight, work out the best plan (which I am sure will be a combination of my way and his) and take it from there. Just when I thought I had the whole relationship thing worked out, this happens. Yes I can be very stubborn, but I am learning, I am slowly letting go of my inner control freak and yes, for the first time in my entire life I am actually saying that perhaps I was wr...., not right, perhaps I was not right. Note to self: my way may not always be the best way.

My Inner Country Girl - The Conclusion

From about Yr 10 onwards I just assumed I would be doing Agriculture at uni. I was selected to attend an ag camp in Yr 10 and Yr 11 (only 2 or 3 students from each school goes to one of the uni's for a weekend to do lots of prac and "Ag stuff"). And with the addition of 3Unit in Yr 12, it was obvious. It was my favourite subject, it was my passion, I just loved it.

My next best subject was Biology. I was clearly a "sci-ency girl". I am a very analytical thinker and loved all that science teaches you. As it came time to make my initial list of preferences, Agriculture was #1. However, as it came time to lock in my selection I started to doubt it. I asked everyone what they thought I should do (in the days before I had the guts to actually think for myself). The school counsellor suggested Bio, as did my Bio teacher. Friends suggested bio, family suggested Bio, everyone suggested Bio, except Mrs Allen my Ag teacher who told me to do Ag. I felt I was more of a plant person so she suggested Horticulture. But, everyone told me "Do Science, specialise in Bio then you can do Ag later if you want."

In Yr 12 we (the Ag class) went to an excursion to the Ag farms at Sydney Uni. A lecturer gave a talk about wheat. About how one of his colleagues discovered the gene to ensure the wheat crop would always produce a tall crop and not a short crop and how this discovery had enabled millions of farmers in third world countries to provide food and an income. I was burning. This was what I wanted to do. Get into crops, make a discovery, help people. Mrs Allen asked me what I thought at the end and I told her with 100% certainly, I want this, I want to study Horticulture and make a difference. I was on fire.

But passion is quickly subdued when everyone tries to cover it with a fire blanket (and you let them), which in my case was sweet talking me to do Bio. I don't know what they thought was wrong with Ag. Maybe it was because it was "farming" in their eyes, and I was to "smart" for that. Or perhaps because my UAI could be "spent" better. At the time Ag only required a UAI of 60-70, but I could get into some science degrees that required a higher UAI than that and therefore I could "spend" it better. This was what people told me, that I was too good and should do better.

I should have listened to my gut and my heart, but I didn't. I was scared, I was confused, and I just wanted what was best for me. I didn't trust myself, I had low self esteem so surely everyone else's opinion was better than mine, right? So I choose Bio. And off I went to study Bio. Sure it was kinda fun. I enjoyed learning what I did, and all the problem solving and discovering just how amazing and wonderful life is, but none of it set my heart on fire. I discovered that Bio was something I loved to learn, but not loved to spend my life on. I didn't want it. So hence I never entered the world of Biology. It ended when I finished my degree.

I forgot about Ag. I had my Bio but I wasn't using it, therefore I would just live a life doing jobs I really didn't want. And that is what happened. I worked to have fun and to earn money, but I never took any of it seriously. This year, however, I decided it was time to change all that. I went back to my passions, and Ag was the one of only a few things that I was really, truly, passionate about.

Yes I am 27, but it is never too late. For the last several months I have researched, extensively, about how I can study Agriculture. I thought I would have to be an undergrad again, but as I persevered I discovered there was a post grad option. Post grad coursework that could lead to a Masters in Ag in coursework (same as a degree) and then I could do the Dip Ed and teach Agriculture!! (A dream). So, the other day, I went online to UAC and applied. Fingers crossed I hear good news soon. It is time to live again and be true to who I am; a passionate country girl.

Image: Flickr

Part One, Part Two

My Inner Country Girl - Part Two

Every year at presentation night I would sit at the announcement assembly secretly hoping that my name would be called out for one of the prizes. I wasn't sporty, arty or musical, and while I was good academically, there were girls who were ahead of me, so I had no reason to get an award, but I still hoped. In Year 12 it was my last chance. In our first assembly the principal gave the speech she gives every year for the first assembly and that was to set some goals, write them down, work hard etc. I never listened, but this time I did, and that afternoon when I came home I wrote down what I wanted to achieve that year and on that list included "To receive an award at Presentation Night."

In Year 12 they give all the generic awards, but also give awards to each person who comes first in each subject. I knew my best shot at getting an award was to come first in Agriculture. I was very confident in my ability to do this, I loved it and had no issues working hard at it. I was doing both the 2Unit and the 3Unit as well. For our first assessment I got 15/15, however, so did another girl, and it was suddenly apparent that she wanted that prize too. Clearly I had some competition. The next assessment was 14/15, she scored the same, this was not going to be easy.

I did have one advantage over her though, I was doing 3Unit and she wasn't. All 3Unit involved was the exam (50%) and a research project (50%). This was essentially a 6-9 month experiment. Mine was titled "The Nitrogen Levels in the Reproductive and Vegetative Stage of a Forage Wheat, Using An Artificial Fertiliser and An Organic Fertiliser". Basically I grew wheat in plastic containers in the backyard for 18weeks using two different fertilisers and then had the various components tested at the end. My parents loved that, having a massive patch in the backyard of dead grass from where all the pots were.

My competitor and I continued to battle it out, staying even the whole way through, even our trials didn't put one over the other. I could only hope that my 3Unit advantage would secure me the prize.

For the HSC itself, 3Unit Agriculture was my last exam. There was only about 7 of us doing the course and as we waited for the clock to hit 2:00pm, one of the supervisors smiled and asked if this was anybodies last exam. A few of us said yes. I was one of them. She smiled and said "Just think, after this exam, you will have finished school". Not the wisest thing to say to a bunch of girls just before an exam is to commence. I hadn't thought about that, I was about to finish school. I kept thinking about it, and thinking about it. It was 2pm, reading time, and thinking about it. 2:05pm commence writing, and freakin thinking about it. Can't breathe, about to finish school, freakin out, need to do exam, clock ticking, HELP!

I was sitting in my chair making nosies she looked at me and whispered;

"Are you Ok?"

"I can't breathe."

"Let's take you outside"

She walked over and escorted me outside. It was my first ever panic attack.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm about to finish school, but I have to do this exam, I worked so hard for this, I have to do it."

"Just take some deep breathes, just calm down, take your time."

"No, I cannot I have to do this exam."

I looked at her, took one breath and walked in, I was suddenly on auto pilot, I sat in my chair and just started writing, pushing all other thoughts out of my head. I had wasted at least 10 minutes, and these exams left no room for error. My saving grace was the fact that throughout the year I did every single past exam paper for 3Unit and my teacher marked every single one and gave me very thorough feedback. Because of that I was able to answer the questions, because I already had answered them. As she called "Pens down" I had just finished all the questions. But I had not put my student number on any of the pages. She very graciously let me do that then and there without saying a word, (probably because she knew if she kept her mouth shut I wouldn't have been in that situation). It was over, I had finished school. I should have been jumping for joy, but instead, I was devastated. Mum was picking me up from school to celebrate and I got in the car and burst into tears telling her what happened and I had no idea what I wrote and it was all a big mess and I was going to screw up the HSC and not get the UAI I wanted and my life was over.

A few weeks later we all gathered a few days before presentation night to find out who was getting an award. I sat with my friends, hoping.

"Agriculture, Elissa"

I did it.

When the HSC results came out I was trembling, so afraid of what my UAI would be and how my poor effort in 3Unit would have effected it. Turns out it was my best subject, 47/50. Couldn't ask for anything better.

Now all I had to do was finalise my uni preferences....

Conclusion to come.

Look At What We Did

The Boy and I had no fun on the weekend. Well, maybe only 10%, we did go out to breakfast on Sunday (bacon, eggs, hash brown, toast with butter....oh yeah) and we did veg on the couch on Saturday night with a few DVD's, pizza and chocolate. But otherwise we were very very busy. We finally finished all the spring cleaning. All of it, we cleaned out cupboards and finally moved a lot of stuff to the storeroom, some stuff that had not moved since we moved in, all went downstairs. We also threw out a lot of crap, lots of boxes and rubbish and stuff we didn't need. We filled up three massive bags of clothes to give away, and we filled up all the recycling bins downstairs and one of the rubbish ones too.

So it is all done now. The house is clean, the two spare rooms that were just being used to store things are now clear and can finally be used. I even cleaned out my desk. My tray was overflowing and my desk was full of various paperwork and meaningless clutter that I could no longer see my desk, and now there is nothing. Which means I have no excuse for not doing my writing in a few weeks time.

And we now have a home gym. Moving that gear up 4 flights of stairs was quite a work out, but at least we'll never have to do it again. The Boy was very happy with this arrangement and already we have used the equipment which is great.

I am feeling a lot better this week, after such a productive weekend we are finally moving forward again. We have completely changed our eating patterns around and also what we eat. Three days in and we have been sticking to the plan perfectly. We have both cut out a lot of sugar (we were having way to much anyway) so feeling a little crabby about that, but by the end of the week I am sure I will feel much better for it. Have been doing a lot of positive reading lately as well, so more changes to come, but all in good time. I am really hoping I will hear some good news soon, I have done all I can and the rest is out of my hands, but hopefully it will all work in my favour. If not, then I will just have to find another way to reach that dream.

People always say "Today is a new day" and I just rolled my eyes, thinking "obviously". But in the last week I have thought a lot about that, and it really is. I am not focusing on anything long term at the moment. I know what I want long term, but sitting around waiting for the 5 years to pass is not going to achieve anything, all I can do is what I have to do each day to make that happen. Everytime I have attempted to change my body, I always thought about how long it was going to take and how I had to suffer week after week. This time however, I just focus on today. What I am going to do about it today and if I can eat well and exercise today then I am one step closer, and then when I wake up I just repeat that and it doesn't seem so difficult anymore. It's not just with the health side of things either, it is everything. There has definitely been an attitude shift with The Boy and I and I'm looking forward to seeing what that produces.

It's Been Confirmed

I went to see the Dr on Tuesday night for my monthly check up (I see her monthly due to the anxiety) and as soon as I walked in she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, I was just tired. We started talking about how things were going blah blah blah and then I told her I thought my life was in a rut. She agreed and confirmed that yes, my life is currently in a rut. All the signs were there, dirty dishes piling up in the sink, the fact that the spring cleaning still remains only half done, and of course because I am now watching freakin Neighbours, which I haven't watched in 10 years because there is nothing else on TV! How did this happen? I used to watch TV about 3 hours a week, and now it is more like 3 hours a day!

I know how it happened. I got off the medication. As soon as that happened everything changed. I "took it easy" so I didn't create any situations that may make me anxious, I had to learn to cope on my own. The amazing thing is I have coped brilliantly, since I got off the (alleged) anti-anxiety medication I have been less anxious. In fact I would say that I am anxious about 5% of the time now. That is nothing, at it's worst it was about 90%. So what am I doing? I used the "I just came off my meds and therefore need to take it easy" excuse for everything! Nothing has been done, no writing, no exercise, no spring cleaning, no sorting out all the boxes at mum's house, nothing!

Well it has been nearly three months now and I am no longer going to use that excuse, as far as I am concerned it is not valid. I do not want to be spending my time at work and then on the couch too freakin lazy to do anything. That is not me at all! No wonder I am frustrated, confused and unhappy. My true self is being active and living life and enjoying it and doing what I need to do to achieve my dreams. For the last three months nothing has happened and I have nothing to show for it except for a slightly bigger arse from sitting down all the freakin' time!

Ok, rant is over. So needless to say I had a very productive session with the Dr. I came home and The Boy and I did some serious talking. He agreed that we are in this rut together and as such we are going to get out together. We began to write down how we wanted our lives to look and the steps to make it happen.

The first area we are going to work on (because you cannot transform every aspect overnight) is health and fitness. We both need to loose weight, at least 20kg each, and it would be nice to walk up the 4 flights of stairs from the car to our door without feeling out of breath (oh the shame). So we have scoured the internet to find ourselves a do-it-yourself weights and cardio program and are researching on what to eat. I always thought I knew what to eat, but clearly it ain't working and I'm not doing another program which is always a waste of money because all they tell you to do is eat carbs all day long which I manage to do on my own anyway and the weight still increases!

The Boy has even agreed to put the man cave on hold. He has some home gym equipment in the garage (which you cannot access when the cars are in) and he wants to use the man cave space to turn into our own little gym. He is serious. So this weekend we are moving it all up the 4 flights of stairs (so much fun - what to join us?) and creating our own little gym as well as planning every single meal for the week (and I think buying some protein powder - as in the muscle building stuff not the meal replacement stuff, must be a guy thing).

So this is part one of our plan. I suppose the purpose of this post was to get it all out of my head and onto the screen and to re-affirm what we are doing and to have a constant reminder as well. I'm feeling good, very happy and only having positive thoughts. This has been a long time coming and I am feeling so energized knowing that I am finally getting back on track. It is time to work towards those dreams again, and this time I am going to reach them.

Image: Flickr

My Inner Country Girl - Part One

This year I have spent a lot of time thinking about what made me happy when I was a child/teenager. Back then I only ever did things that I wanted to do, if I didn't want to do it (like ballet) then I didn't, it was onto the next thing to try. As a result of this I have re-discovered past loves (such as tapestry) which I am now reviving and falling in love with all over again. I suppose the purpose of doing this is to perhaps uncover some more direction for my life. Find the things that make me happy, because life really is too short to waste time doing what you don't like.

After school I went to uni and completed a science degree in Biology, but I am not working in that field and I never have. About half way through the degree I knew being a scientist was not right for me, but I decided to finish anyway. When I didn't enter the scientific world everyone was surprised, but I knew I was put on this earth for something else. This year I decided I wanted to work out what to do for the career section of my life, because realistically the whole career thing doesn't actually exist for me, I just work to earn an income. I need something that will work around children in the future, and something that will ignite my passion. A job where I can wake up and look forward to being at work (something I have never experienced) something with a little meaning. So, what was my favourite subject at school? Perhaps that can give me some insight.

As the end of Year 7 was approaching, everyone in our grade was given the task of choosing two electives to study for the next 3 years. I picked Textiles & Design, it was a no brainer. Back in Year 7 I wanted to be a fashion designer, I even got "busted" in religious class for designing dresses in my notebook when I should have been learning something biblical. However, I had no idea what to pick for my second. Languages were out, I hated them and failed terribly in primary school. Commerce was also ruled out, too many numbers, Food Tech - well at that stage I could only boil water, so no again. My options were running out. I discussed it with my parents. My Dad suggested Agriculture.
"What's that?"
"It's farming, you learn all about farms and working in the country. I think you would be really good at it, you like animals and you're smart, I think it would really suit you."
I wasn't convinced, I think mainly because I didn't want to get dirty, and I assumed doing "farm stuff" I would get dirty. However as time was running out and I had no better option I decided to do it. Besides, if I really didn't like it I could just blame Dad ;)

What can I say, I LOVED it! I could devote an entire year's worth of blogs to all the adventures I had in those three years. From that first class I was hooked, I wanted to learn all there was about agriculture, it felt so right, and my teacher was amazing, so inspiring and encouraging. Mrs Allen, the one teacher I actually respected, I always think of her so fondly and sometimes wonder what she is up to now. She was the best teacher I have ever had in my life. But I will save that for another post. But all the adventures; dissecting a chook, feeding the animals in the school holidays, ag camps and bush dancing, raising chicks from eggs! So much fun and so many memories that make me smile.

When it came time to pick our subjects for Years 11 & 12, Agriculture was first on the list. And for Year 12 I picked up the 3 Unit as well. I was so grateful to Dad for making that suggestion to me when I was only in Year 7, and as Year 12 was about to begin I had a plan for my number #1 subject.

To be continued....

Image: Flickr