Where Am I??

I have lost my blogging mo-jo. Can’t you tell? I don’t know when it will return, and I hope it is a when and not an if. I seem too paralyzed to log in and therefore I am so out of the loop on all the blogs that I do read as well. I think it is down to two things. The first being lack of time. I clearly took all the free time I had for granted, but now I just don’t seem to have much. I know this will change, hopefully sooner than later but at the moment, there are just so many other things that need to be done and when I finally come home at the end of the day I am just parking myself on the couch and falling asleep before dinner.

The second factor is stress. I was stressed, but now I am even more stressed, in a very unhealthy way. I have gone from one extreme (of not doing very much) to the other (of doing too much) and nothing seems to be able to give right now and I just feel lost in the middle of it all. It is exhausting and I feel like I am sinking and I am dangerously playing around the edge of getting into a really bad place, a place I have been several times and was determined after the last time and after all the changes I made never to go there again. Yes the A word is back, but if I am not careful it will be accompanied by the D word and that is where I do not want to be.

So in this current state of mind I am just retreating, retreating from everyone, which is probably not the best thing, but it is how I deal with it. Why I do this, I don’t know. But I am allowing myself to talk to the right people about it, and they are giving me the help I need to sort all this crap out and pull myself out of this hole. I know I will return with everything sorted out and back to my old positive self. I know it will happen, I am just not sure when. XOXO

Reflections

I wrote my post yesterday while I was still at work and hence still bothered by the whole incident. Much to my total astonishment (and delight) I came home and had left all that negative energy at work. Once again I had left it at the door. This is a huge thing for me because the ability to let things go, especially work stuff is something I have struggled with for years. Last year was probably the worst of it too. I would come home feeling deflated and unwilling to do anything and would snap at The Boy. Being able to let it all go and just be me at home was something I was aspiring to and all of a sudden I am there, and I have no idea how that happened.

I feel so liberated, so content and energised with this new found knowledge that today really is a new day and I don't need to carry around crap for days on end. I have known this for ages but the actual application eluded me. So how did I reach this point? I believe it is because I am more focused on what I want now. The Boy and I sat down in December to really write out our five year plan and to stop talking about an abstract vision but to detail every single thing we wanted and to write it down. We spent the whole month discussing and editing this vision and at the end of our holidays broke down that vision into yearly steps, thus forming our 2010 goals.

I didn't have that last year, I felt very lost last year, just floating around, knowing what I wanted and working on it, but working without a plan. I had the goal and I had the starting point but I never bothered with the actual plan of action. I have that now, and I think that is why I am able to let everything go now. Because at the end of the day I have too much to focus my time and energy on if I want to achieve those dreams that I simply cannot waste any of it on the meaningless of obsessing over people that want to bring me down.

At this point in time I cannot control my work environment, but I can control how I react to it. I am not going to let any of these family members bring me down, if that is how they get their kicks, fine, I just pity them. But I will no longer allow them to take me backwards on my journey and to consume my headspace, they are not worth it and my dreams are worth so much more. At the end of the day the only person who can make me feel back about myself is me.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and that manifested itself in that I let everyone walk all over me. But as I approached adulthood that started to change, the more I believed in myself and my abilities the more I stood up for myself and would no longer tolerate that behaviour from others. I managed to get that right but what people said to me still bothered me. I slowly gave up caring what other people thought about me, although for me this has been an up and down journey, with times when I fall back into old patterns like I have recently with work. The only people I listen to now are those I love and respect and are close to me and who I know will approach me from a place of love, not bitterness, nastiness, selfishness or jealousy. And while those at work will continue to say what they say, I am not going to let it break me. I might have my initial reaction, but it stops there. It is not coming home with me because what they say and think I actually do not care about, they are not people worthy of listening too.

I reflected last night that this is simply temporary. I have gone through so much worse and ended up so much better for it, so I am confident I will achieve the same result here. While I may not like it I am starting to see the good in it. It is giving me strength in who I am and what I can do. It is teaching me the skill of letting go, something I have longed for, for many years. Finally, it is giving me motivation. Because the more this happens the more motivated I am when I come home to do what I have to do. I have a 5 year plan that includes working for myself doing what I want to do and answering only to me, and I know how to get there, and while I have already begun taking those steps, each verbal abuse leads to taking those steps just a little quicker. Bring it on!

Time To Be Honest

I always wanted my blog to be a positive place. A place I could come and write, and write honestly about my life and my dreams but always with a positive attitude. Let's face it, Dream Achieving is a very positive thing. Sure there are ups and downs but the downs are all part of the positive process. I have always been aware of this and didn't want to get too negative as I didn't feel this blog was the right place for negativity. Nothing good ever comes from it and it is a hindrance to moving forward and moving towards dreams. I have spent over 20 years of my life dwelling in negativity and there is no place in my life for it anymore.

I realise that recently I just stagnated. Just stopped and became stuck and entered a rut. I am sure this is all part of the long term process, but I didn't like it. More recently I have gone about changing that. I am very frustrated at the moment because as I am trying to change it, "it" just seems too much. The lists never end, and I feel I am going around in circles, still not knowing what to do, and feeling like there is too much to do, too much to deal with and change. That breeds more frustration and deepens the negative attitude that seems to have permanently taking up space in my life.

It is a lot of things. It is life in general, it is the fact that I have not had a holiday all year and need one, it is not spending time with The Boy because of work, it is money, it is weight, it is work, it is The Penthouse it is my anxiety creeping back and now to add to the list is a health concern.

Looking through my blog I can see that my negativity is coming through and that is not what I want. Writing with a negative attitude only cements it into my head when all I want is to bring back the positive. The Boy and I finally had a lovely day yesterday and we finally put on paper our plan for the next five years. I feel like the first step has been taken. There is so much more work ahead, but at least the first step has begun.

I am going to take a little break from my blog. Just a week or two. I'll still check in and keep up to date on everyone I follow, but I am just not going to write. I need to shift this negativity and I can only do that in the privacy of my own personal journal knowing it is just me and my thoughts. I need to get out of this headspace, tick a few things off the list and feel that I am back in control and feel I am moving forward once again. Moving being the key word, I don't want to stand still anymore. I need to take time out and breath and reconnect with who I am and my positive attitude. I know it is there, it has simply been pushed to the back. I have dealt with worse and I know I will get through it. See you on the other side. xoxo

Image: Flickr

Hello Elissa, Remember Me? {Part One}

Well, do you remember me? We were very intimate earlier in the year, you spent a lot of time with me. Going through every single part of me, but then you stopped. I think that may have been my fault. I reminded you of the bad boy. I know you don't want to think about him, let alone relive that entire experience with him, but you have to understand it is important. We cannot just cut him out of me. Just as you were starting to get up again he cut you down and took you further than you were before. I know you know I am right, and he must be kept within me, it is all part of the journey, the story.

I know I caused you pain, but let me assure you that once we relive that part it will all be over, it may even bring you some closure and a little more healing. I know you think that you are healed, that you have dealt with it all and it is all a distant memory. I know you believe that. But don't you think if that was true then you wouldn't have closed me up with such anger, and come home only to throw me into the depths of the cupboard where I still remain? You don't even discuss him anymore with your shrink because you have convinced yourself (and possibly her) that it is all dealt with and over.

Over yes, but I know there is still pain. What are you afraid of? He cannot hurt you now. Are you afraid that somehow it will destroy the relationship you have now? You finally found what you spent your entire life looking for. You not only found him, but together you have both worked to ensure you have an ideal relationship that you both want. You know, the relationship that everyone looks at and thinks, I want to have that kind of relationship too. Don't you think you have that?

I suspect you are afraid that by remembering the past it will affect your present and future. Let me assure you it is simply not possible. Do you not think that the fact The Boy is in your life will make getting over this stumbling block that much easier. Knowing when it gets too intense he is right there to bring you back to the present moment and hold you in his arms. Would that not make this process a million times easier than being a single girl and bursting into tears and feeling like you will never meet the man of your dreams? You know that action cures fear so what are you waiting for?

There is more we need to discuss but how about I make a suggestion before we continue. I know you are seeing your Shrink tomorrow. Why don't you mention to her this blockage. See what she has to say. Once you have read it through, then it is done. No more surprises, it will all be out there and every re-read you already know the worst of it. You really need to deal with this, the final chapter before you and I can resume our relationship again. I would like that, I know you would to.

How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr

Elissa Is Not Always Right

Sometimes I think life is easier when you are single. It is your way or your way. You only have to think of yourself and no one else, you do what you want to do. Then you meet the man of your dreams and suddenly you have someone else to consider. At first it is exciting because you want the same things in life and share the same vision, and you talk about the amazing life you will have together and your heart is full of joy, knowing you finally found someone to share this amazing journey with you.

Then it eventually comes to "crunch time", when you need to stop talking about it and start doing. It is then that you realise that you are still two different people, and that although you still want the same things and still both want to reach that "shared vision", you both have very different ideas on how to actually go about making that vision reality.

That is the position I found myself in this morning as I was talking with The Boy. We talk every morning as it takes him an hour to get to work, he drives (has to) and we talk on the phone as I sit on the couch eating breakfast and putting on my make up. I thought we were talking today, but apparently we were arguing. I was expressing what I thought was the best way to move forward and how to manage a few areas of our shared life together, how to do it my way. He (naturally) felt I was getting stuck into him and telling him what to do. Ok, so maybe I was, but isn't that part of the (future) wife job? I wasn't really telling him what to do, I was just informing him what I thought was best. So of course we had a nice discussion/argument that ended with an agreement to not talk until at least a few hours had passed.

Many hours have passed, we have both apologised and have decided to talk tonight, work out the best plan (which I am sure will be a combination of my way and his) and take it from there. Just when I thought I had the whole relationship thing worked out, this happens. Yes I can be very stubborn, but I am learning, I am slowly letting go of my inner control freak and yes, for the first time in my entire life I am actually saying that perhaps I was wr...., not right, perhaps I was not right. Note to self: my way may not always be the best way.

Someone Else's Life

The editing it getting too much. I can only do about a paragraph a day. I am approaching the end (although I am sure I am going to be adding another 50 or so pages because I missed so much detail in the final month or to) and it is getting so much harder. It is about a part of my life I have forgotten about, except for this massive manuscript that I carry with me which reminds me that yes, that really did happen to me.

The final couple of months were the worst, very intense and a lot of stuff happened I would really prefer to never think about again. But I feel I have to. I have come this far, I need to finish it. Reading the words now though, brings it all back to me, and I get so sad reading the words, the words calling out for help, asking why, questioning who I am and how did I get there. Then there is the action, the clear behaviour of self hatred and zero self respect, the vulnerability, how easily I was lead to actions, how in those final times I had no control over my life. It makes me so sad when I look up to realise that it isn't the story about someone else. It is my story. It happened to me and I did what I did and felt the way I felt. I am so far removed from it all now that I feel like it was all a bad dream, that it could never actually happen to me.

Finishing is going to take a lot longer than I thought. I was hoping the first draft would be done by the end of the year, but I know now it won't. Just when I think I am getting ahead, something always comes up. It is ok, it will take as long as it takes. I will only do what I can on the good days. I have to face it all, I'll just have to face it slowly.

So I need another project. I need to start manuscript #2. I need to find someone else's life, someone who has been through so much and came out a winner, someone who can inspire and give strength. I need to write about someone else so when I can't look at my own life I can look into another's and actually feel like I am doing something about being a writer. The only question is who. Family? Such as my grandparents, married 60 years. How do you stay married that long? What is the secret and how can it be achieved? Friends? Such as the girl who lost her brother and father in a short space of time and then had her mother turn against her? How do you survive that? Or a random stranger who perhaps has the greatest story of all to be told. Everyone has a story, I just need to find the right one.

Hello Again

I am back, I didn't plan on having a break as such it just happened that way. Last week I was coming off medication and starting a new one and as such my health was my only focus and I removed myself from everything else but now I am ready to get back to reality again and catch up on all my blog reading for the last 2 weeks.

So last week began with 4 days of no meds at all, and I did amazingly well, I was given some other medication to take if I needed it to "take the edge off" but I didn't take any of it. I wanted to just do this the best I could. During those 4 days I felt brilliant, I felt clear headed, calm, happy and I felt like I was myself again, a feeling I haven't had for about 4 years, but I didn't even know I was missing it until I was off the meds. I thought that perhaps I didn't even need the new meds, however I decided to follow the Dr's orders, and on Thursday take the half does of the new stuff.

Within an hour of taking it the side effects began and I had a very nasty reaction to it. I experienced every side effect there was, nausea, hot and cold sweats, awake and sleepy, happy and sad, twitching, heart beat racing, heart beat slowing, confused, feeling like I was burning up. Everything. I went to the Dr the next day who informed me that I was ok, but I was bordering on the danger zone (what the?). So no more new meds for me.

The pic above is of my bedside table, and look, there is no medication on it (aside from the asthma preventor), yes I am now officially med free!! YAY!!!! Dream achieved! It is surprising, but once I came off them I was just better, even The Boy was amazed at how great I was doing, and he took time off to look after me and everything. I feel alive, I feel awake, I feel happy and I feel calm and I feel like I have so much to look forward to now. I always wanted to get off them, I just didn't think it would be now. I suppose that is the thing about dreams and life, often your timeline is way off from the way things are supposed to be. I have definitely learnt from now on to just trust the process and that everything will happen when it should. It has only been in the last month or so that I have mentally and emotionally been ready to make this change and I couldn't be happier.

Of course life is not a bed of roses. It will take about 4 weeks for the side effects of withdrawal to disappear. I am experiencing nausea, fatigue, mild insomnia & flu-like symptoms, which is all pretty standard for coming off meds and the Dr has told me I will start to feel better in about a month's time. I can live with that. My Dr is surprised and happy and my Shrink is happy too, she told me she thought last time I was ready for it. Both of them said they were proud of me, and I need to look at myself and be proud to and actually acknowledge all of the hard work I have put in the last few years to reach this point in my life. This was no accident, I did everything right and it paid off.

I feel this is the start of a new phase in my life, I feel now that I can continue on my journey and live life to the fullest. After a month or so when I am feeling better I can put my energy into my other dreams and keep on riding this wave. To celebrate this occasion I went to the hairdresser on the weekend and went from blonde to brunette. A physical transformation to complete the internal one. Life is beautiful.

So What Is Happening With The A Word?

The A Word. What can I say. Up until FMIL's offer, it was doing great, so great that my shrink told me that my goal for the next 6 months was to focus on my health so I could get off the meds. 12 months ago my shrink told me I may have to face that fact that I could be on them for life. Then I suddenly see the finishing line in front of me, only 6 more months and med free, and then.....

I am now faced with a decision about whether to pack up my entire life and start again. This does not help the A word. In fact I have done a 120 (not quite at 180 yet) and am very anxious again. I have gone back to old patterns and habits, and unhelpful thoughts are now swimming around my headspace again. Just when I thought I had dealt with it all and would never have to go through all the b/s again, it all comes back. Just trying to make the decision is causing it, and then when I think, lets do it, lets move, it gets worse. I think about everything that could go wrong and all the changes I have to make and it makes the anxiety symptoms come on strong.

Like this morning, The Boy and I had an "argument". I made an innocent, non judgemental comment, but apparently they way I said it was judgmental and hence we "debated" for 40 minutes this morning over the phone. Naturally we resolved it, but it made me anxious, and flooded me with lots of unhelpful thoughts. I resolved that we cannot move, because what if we have a fight, who can I turn to? No one! What if FMIL gets involved, then what happens? What if The Boy had to choose between us? What if I accidentally told her to **** off and mind her own business, what would happen then? Anxiety that is what happens! Major panic attacks, and just thinking about it makes me jittery, and I think, no we are not going to move, and then I get anxious again because I don't want to stay where I am now anymore.

Then there is the issue of money. Apparently it doesn't matter if I don't have a job when we move (assuming that is the decision we make) because The Boy can "provide for me". He can "sustain" me until I get a job. Ok, so this is probably the dream of a lot of girls/women, and when I was a little girl it was my dream too, and when I first started working it was my goal, but I have been an "Independent Princess" for several years now, and have never relied on any man to provide for me. I can look after myself thank you very much. Sure, down the track when I am pregnant/have a newborn I can do it, but now? Of course The Boy isn't just "any man". He is The Man I am spending my life with, but I am really struggling to get my head around this concept. The thought of having to rely on him to "look after" me is sending my anxiety right up.

So I am just left feeling more confused. Still no closer to a decision, but wishing I was back in a different headspace. Hoping I can still begin 2010 med free. I'm seeing The Shrink tomorrow, hopefully I'll gain some clarity and some peace and that all is not yet lost.

Image: Flickr

Just When I Thought I was Cured....

I never talk about The A Word (anxiety) in my blog. I want to keep this positive. However I cannot deny that it still exists in my life, and today life has reminded me that I am still not yet done with this journey.

I suppose I have always been just a little anxious, as is typical of a Melancholy, but it only became a real issue when I was in my final year at uni when I just crashed and burned out from mentally pushing myself for so many years. The result of that was a serious bout of depression and really bad anxiety. I even had to do my final exams in a separate room alone because I was panicking being in a large hall full of people. After uni it was on and off, but after The Incident it was the worst it has even been, and for the last 18 months I have been battling it ever since. It is what has held me back from really living life all these years. This year I decided it wasn't going to win anymore. I was going to live life my way and push through all my comfort zones.

I have been doing really well, especially for about the last 6 months now my recovery has just taken off expediently, that we (Dr, Shrink and I) are thinking I can get off these meds at the end of the year (still proudly maintaining a half dose at the moment). That would be a dream come true. However today has just been a really awful day (and I'm barely half way yet) and I just feel like I am going to have to put up with this forever.

The experience the bulk of my anxiety in two ways. The first is a short, intense burst of fear known as the panic attack, and the other is just a lingering sense of confusion and stress and very unhelpful thoughts that go around and around making me more anxious, more confused and more stressed.

Today is one of those lingering anxiety days and I am really hoping it is hormonal. I finally have a belated TTOM which means PMS, so this morning after a really bad night's sleep full of tossing and turning and somewhat painful dreams, I get out of bed and have a shower. The Boy took his sweet time and the hot water runs out when I am covered in suds and with conditioner in my hair. I quickly rinse off and just put my head under the cold water and he "playfully" decided to put cold water all over me. I decided to get "annoyed" about this. Due to my stubbornness and general PMS emotional overdrive I turn it into a massive fight at 6:30am in the morning, which continues for half an hour until I finally just burst into tears for no apparent reason. The Boy lovingly calms me down, and leaves for work.

I get to work right right on time and have a huge pile of work to do today as I am having a long weekend. I am sitting at the computer feeling stressed and then it starts to happen. The unhelpful thoughts, the feeling of not breathing, the feeling of gloom....

So I turn to my blog as my journal is at home, because writing makes it all better, and yes I now feel good again. I am feeling a lot more emotionally stable. Yes therapeutic writing works! Now I can go and enjoy the long weekend I am having to celebrate my birthday (more on that later). Life is beautiful.

Living In The Moment

How do you do that?

I saw my shrink on the weekend (still only once a month which is great and anxiety is virtually non existent) and she told me that I am still living in the future. I do that a lot, I am always thinking about the future and making plans for it, but I think that sometimes I forget to live in the here and now. Today I had the opportunity to get back into my manuscript, and I did that well and that brought me back into the past as if I was living it now. I could see the faces right in front of me, I could taste and smell and hear and touch all that was around me back then at that very moment. But what about now, what about the present? I need to start living, today, this very moment, otherwise I will reach the end of my life, look back and realise I never lived it. I only lived it in my head with my hopes and dreams and plans and goals and lots of lists....

I need to find balance. I need to still plan for the future and look forward to it, but enjoy each day as it is. It is great that I want to achieve my dreams but I need to stop looking at the end result so much and look at the journey. I need to take time each day to enjoy the moment and appreciate the daily step I have made that will take me to those dreams. I really do need to just stop and smell the roses. No more pressure, just life as it is, it isn't a race, I can stay on track, but just take my sweet time walking it instead of running.

It is time to get back into my gratitude book. My shrink told me about two years ago to get a little notebook and every night write 5 things that I was grateful for that day. It is time to get that going again, and to cement this thought here are my 5 things for today;

1 - That I have spent time on my manuscript today.
2 - That I had time to unpack the dishwasher this morning.
3 - That I get on so well with the other girls in the office
4 - That I had a half hour sleep in this morning (that didn't make me late)
5 - All the blogs that I follow, they all bring positivity and joy into the blog world and make me smile

Image: Flickr

I Love Autumn

Autumn is my favourite season of all. I love the cool, crisp mornings. The sun shining and the cool air on my face. I love layering and wearing trackies and jeans and bedsocks all day long. I love wrapping myself up in a blanket and lying on the couch. I love being in the park, lying on the grass staring up at the multitude of golden leaves falling from the branches above. I love having someone I can snuggle up to and keep warm with and who will wrap his arms around me when I have forgotten my woolen jacket. I love Autumn.

I also love the fashion of the season. There is just so much to choose from. I love skirts and wearing them with thick stockings and I love knitwear, especially the natural kind, merino wool, angora, cashmere, alpaca. The silky feeling of natural fibres. I discovered Ezibuy this morning at work while I had nothing to do (and still don't). So many clothes to select. Lots of merino knits. I think my wish list is currently 10 items long. One of my favourites is this Jumper.

Classic, simple, elegant and would look great with a nice black skirt or pair of jeans.

However, it is not all about clothes. It is about shoes - closed heels and boots. I kindly pointed out to The Boy yesterday, that if he was ever thinking about buying me a present in the near future, that I would love a pair of shoes. There are at least 4 that I want, and if he gets me one, that is only 3 to go, and I suppose I could buy another pair when my $950 from the government comes through.....?

Ahhhh so many things to choose from. So many things I want, so very little I need. Such a conflict here. I want all these lovely, yummy clothes and shoes, yet I need to reduce that debt that I have. Maybe I should drop into the newsagent and make a little purchase and see if there is any chance I can have both. Or maybe I could just learn to listen a little more to my head and give myself a little balance of what I want and what I should do. Because life is not about extremes, it is about balance as the changing seasons show us every year.

Introductions

My name is Elissa. As of this date I am 26 years old turning 27 this year. Up until now I feel that my life has turned out the way it has with very little thought. I have so many dreams and I always have had them and I have just been waiting around for "perfect conditions" to get started on them. But that is never going to happen, so I may as well start now.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have had enough with it, I want to no longer be a sufferer as it holds me back from really living my life. There are so many opportunities and lots of fun things that I miss out on because I am afraid. I'm going to begin living my life - now.

What are my dreams?

1) To be managing the above better so that I am more free to live and enjoy life and to be setting myself up to no longer suffer in the next couple of years so I can do whatever I want without fear. Don't really feel like going into this now, maybe another time.

2) To reach a healthy weight and be a size 10. In order to do this I need to loose between 20 - 30kg. Just aiming for 20kg before the end of October at the moment. I want to be at least a 12 when it is time for me to go wedding dress shopping. Not only that but I want to be healthy and fit, and want to walk into any clothing shop knowing that I can fit into anything. I want to wear nice bright colours and not hide myself in black all the time. I want to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see and feel confident when I am out. I have been overweight for at least 8 years now, it is time to just get it over with and loose the weight!

3) To be debt free and become financially independent. I really dislike pay day and as soon as the money comes into the account the first thing that happens is I pay off some of my debt. The debt that is going to take years and years to pay off. I have had enough of it and want it GONE. And I want to have it gone within two years. Once gone I want to build my wealth, and buy a house and go on holidays and go on a shopping spree and spoil those close to me. I want to never have to worry about money again.

4) To be published. Over two years ago I wrote a book. I have the manuscript sitting at home. I have had enough, all I need to do it edit the work and then I can send it off to an agent and get published. I have always wanted to be published, I finally wrote the book, now I just need to edit. I need to just get it over with and stop making excuses and just do it then sent it off and see what happens.

5) To get married and have a dream wedding. I have met the man of my dreams (The Boy) almost 5 months ago now. I know he is the one and I love him. We want to get married and have a nice beautiful wedding and be able to buy a house and all those kinds of things. I want to look good for the wedding and not have to worry about the cost and I want us to have a solid base for building our lives together.

There are more dreams, but these are the biggies that I am going to be working on this year. I am going to begin emerging.