Timing - Just Trust It

After my self doubting post the other day (here) it lead me to think about timing. I am one of those people who puts a timeline on everything. I want this done by the end of the week; I want to loose weight by the end of the year; I want to be debt free within 12 months; I want to have an agent by December; and I really just need to stop it because as I reflect back on events in my life, things very rarely happen when I want them too. Sometimes they happen faster than I would like, other times they happen a lot later and sometimes they do not happen at all and very rarely things happen that I never planned for.

It is now that I need to just trust time. Trust that everything will happen when it should. I can see now that when the things I wanted to happen, that never did, were for a very good reason, and saved me a lot of pain and heartache, and I need to trust that if something doesn't come to fruition it is because something a lot better will happen.

Sometimes stuff happens to me when I least expect it to, like meeting The Boy. I had decided that I was going to stay single till I was 3o and use those years to establish myself and be Little Miss Independent Princess. The Boy turns up and my life is turned upside down. Not only that but the whole journey with him has happened so quickly, much faster than I had planned. But would I really want it any other way? Of course not! I have never had anything happen so fast and I have learned to just enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

Then of course there are those times when I have to wait a lot longer than I would like for what I want. Like being a size 10 and getting published. I would have loved those things years ago, but I am still waiting. I can see now that I needed the time. I needed to be in the right head space to loose the weight. That was why it failed in the past, I had the wrong motivation and had too much to change. As for the writing, that journey began 3 1/2 years ago, and it has only been in the last 9 months that I have begun editing. That was not my plan, but I needed that time to have the distance from The Incident so that I could edit it without bursting into tears. Now, 2 years behind my schedule, I am editing. The timing is perfect, I have distance, and I have a loving man who supports me and is always there to calm me down after a heavy session. Even though I want to keep going, after my mammoth effort the other day, I need to rest. Trust that I will get back into it when the time is right.

You would think after all this I would have patience. Alas no, I still get stressed about things not happening when I want them to. Patience is definitely a virtue, maybe now that I am going to trust time, it will be a virtue I can begin to acquire.

Image: Flickr

The Honeymoon Phase

When The Boy and I first met all we wanted to do was spend every single minute of the day with each other. If we were not physically together then we were on the phone talking and sending each other sms's finding out as much about each other as we could. We quickly took the plunge and moved in together, and even though we were able to come home to each other, we only wanted to continue to spend as much time together as we could. Everyone told us that we were simply in "The Honeymoon Phase" and that we should enjoy it as it won't last.

We are still in it. Nearly 9 months on and I am more than happy to spend the evenings and weekends with my man. We do see other people, friends and family, but most of the time we do that together. In all honesty I do not see us ever leaving this "phase". We only grow more and more in love, and as we do so, we want to continue to be with each other each day, and want to share what we have with others close to us, and to do that together.

Naturally we are separated with work, but each day we send our sms's always with "love you" at the end. Of course I do need me time, and girl time, (and he needs his boy time) but as those times come to a close I am always excited knowing that I have this amazing man waiting for me at home.

On the weekend we went to stay with his parents for his brother's 21st. People who I have come to know very well since I met him were there, and they commented on just how much in love we still are with each other. On Saturday night it was time for the family photo. The Boy's mum and dad went over to his brother and The Boy stood to stand with them. As he walked away his mum yelled at the top of her voice;
"Get over here Liss, you're in this picture."
I looked at her confused.
"Get up, come on Liss." she said again.
The Boy turned, absolutely beaming and held out his hand for me. I took it and went over with him. I stood by his side in front of almost 40 people and smiled as several flashes went off.
Later while we were laying in bed (listening to all the drunks outside) I made up my "I'm in the family" song and dance. The Boy laughed at me and showered me with kisses and cuddles.
"You're one of us now." he said.

The next day as we drove home, my hand on his leg, we talked about how much stronger we had become lately and how much more in love we are.
"Have you noticed how we are still in the honeymoon phase?"
I nodded.
"Everyone keeps telling me that they can see we are as well, but I think we are always going to be in the honeymoon phase".
"I think so too baby, and I love it because it just keeps getting better and better."
He picked up my hand and kissed it and we both just sat in silence, enjoying the afternoon landscape.

To love - and all that it can be.

Image: Flickr

Does Anyone Want To Read This?

Today has been a very productive but also highly frustrating day. I have been working so hard on my manuscript lately, and today I managed to do a significant amount, but I am just feeling down because as I was was reading my work and making changes I just paused and thought to myself, "does anyone want to read this?". This is a work that has so far taken 3 and a half years, and now I am wondering if anyone would want to read it. I do not doubt the quality of the writing, but I am thinking now that maybe the whole story is boring. But then maybe I think it is boring because it is all true. That and I am a perfectionist.

I have definitely passed the half way mark, which is great news. However that is only of my first draft. After this I have about 50 points I have marked which say "insert xx story here" "forgot about abc, must put it in". And I am just wondering today if it is worth it? I know I will get it finished because it is something I want to do for myself. I have to finish this for me. But in terms of publication. I just don't know anymore. I have always thought it was a great story and people would want to read it, but now I think it is boring and I doubt anyone would.

I think I should get a third person. Someone to read some of it and tell me what they think. I need someone to be honest. If it is boring, tell me, if it is great, tell me. I really need to know where I stand as I think at the moment I am too caught up in the work to look at it properly. It needs to be someone who doesn't know me. It is too personal and painful for close family and friends to read. I don't think they will ever read it, I don't think they want to know that much detail of what I went through and everything I did.

Or maybe I should take a break, come back to it at a later time. Forget about the timelines I gave myself. No, I think I need feedback, honest feedback. Maybe I should send some off to an appraiser. But that costs money. Maybe I could step out of my comfort zone and share it with those in blogland. Maybe I just need to stop blogging and get on with it. Hmmmm....

Image: Flickr

Suddenly A Free Night

What is a girl to do with this weather? It is fine while I am here at work. In fact it is perfect writing weather (which I have managed to do) but what am I supposed to do when it means that tennis is cancelled? Suddenly The Boy and I are free tonight. Which is actually good, we have not had any quality time for almost two weeks now. Not real quality time, recently we have either been with other people, or been just with each other but doing stuff.

I wish we could have all weekend to lock ourselves in the Penthouse take all the batteries out of the mobiles, unplug the landline and hide the computers so we could just be. Rest and relax and talk and just sit with each other resting. However that dream weekend won't be happening this weekend as it is his brother's 21st birthday party. This of course means another trip up the F3 (already?) and into the country.

The party is meant to be a bon fire in the back paddock. Not sure what is going to happen with the rain, The Boy said it might be in the shed (which is large enough to fit a small house in). I don't want to admit it but I haven't been to a 21st for a few years now and I think at this one I am going to feel old. Not really sure what I will be doing as everyone under 30 will be getting drunk, and as I don't drink I will have to find another way to entertain myself. I suspect I will be up in the house with a small handful of "oldies" listening to them all take turns in singing and playing guitar. I think that will be the fun part for me.

So, the point is what to do tonight? I want to stay in and just be the two of us. I am thinking I might drop into Coles on the way home, purchase some food and cook up something really warm and yummy. I have no idea what. Hopefully I will by the time I get there. Maybe get out the tablecloth, turn down the lights, put on some candles and some soft music, open a bottle of sparking grape juice. Hmmm maybe I will buy some apple pies and ice cream for dessert, drop into mum's and borrow some movies and we can fall blissfully asleep in bed watching dvd's and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to party.

Love a rainy night.

Image: Flickr

Is This Our New Home?

It was my birthday recently and The Boy surprised me with a lovely little holiday (hence my AWOL) but I am back now and all fired up. We have spent a lot of time in the last two weeks on the Central Coast from Pearl Beach up to Caves Beach asking ourselves "Is this our new home?". It is official, we are doing what I thought I would NEVER do, and moving to the Central Coast next year.

Ah!! What am I turning into? First I start cooking, then start actually decorating the Penthouse, and now, little Miss Sydney Born and Breed Princess is going to move out of Sydney and live on the Central Coast. How did I end up here?

Well I suppose the fact that someone upstairs thought it would be very funny for the man of my dreams to be a country boy born and breed and having him fall madly in love with a born and breed city girl. He loves fresh air, open space, no traffic and polite people. I however love being busy, having lots of people around, and knowing there is always something to do and there is always something open. The Central Coast seems to be the perfect compromise. Not too busy, not to quiet, fresher air, a decent amount of people, and open spaces at the beach.

The other factor in making this decision is money. Realistically we do not want to buy into the grossly over priced Sydney property market and pay off a mortgage for 30 years, we would rather do it in 10. For the same amount of money you can get a semi decent 3 bedroom unit in Sydney, or a lovely 4 bedroom spacious house on the coast. The Boy works on the Central Coast so if we did buy in Sydney it would have to be somewhere North of the Bridge which just adds several more hundred thousand dollars to the price.

In all honesty even though I pride myself in being a total city girl, I will admit I am happy to leave. Since I met The Boy he has shown me that yes, there in fact life beyond this city of mine, and actually it isn't so bad. The air really is fresher, it tastes better, there is less traffic, and the best thing of all, people behind a counter at a shop actually look you in the eye, smile and say "How are you today?". Wow! That never happens in Sydney!

So 2010 is now all about moving to the Central Coast (oh, and the wedding), I told The Boy that if we are going to do this then I would like to be no more than a 5 minute car trip to the beach. I ain't leaving this city to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. He agreed and I am excited to know I could soon be doing my runs along the beach, and that we could go for romantic walks along the sand whenever we felt like it. So for the remainder of this year, aside from planning a wedding, finishing my manuscript, paying off my debt and loosing 10kg I now (along with The Boy) need to decide, which of the 20+ beaches on the Central Coast we will move to. How am I going to work this out in only 7 months?

Just When I Thought I was Cured....

I never talk about The A Word (anxiety) in my blog. I want to keep this positive. However I cannot deny that it still exists in my life, and today life has reminded me that I am still not yet done with this journey.

I suppose I have always been just a little anxious, as is typical of a Melancholy, but it only became a real issue when I was in my final year at uni when I just crashed and burned out from mentally pushing myself for so many years. The result of that was a serious bout of depression and really bad anxiety. I even had to do my final exams in a separate room alone because I was panicking being in a large hall full of people. After uni it was on and off, but after The Incident it was the worst it has even been, and for the last 18 months I have been battling it ever since. It is what has held me back from really living life all these years. This year I decided it wasn't going to win anymore. I was going to live life my way and push through all my comfort zones.

I have been doing really well, especially for about the last 6 months now my recovery has just taken off expediently, that we (Dr, Shrink and I) are thinking I can get off these meds at the end of the year (still proudly maintaining a half dose at the moment). That would be a dream come true. However today has just been a really awful day (and I'm barely half way yet) and I just feel like I am going to have to put up with this forever.

The experience the bulk of my anxiety in two ways. The first is a short, intense burst of fear known as the panic attack, and the other is just a lingering sense of confusion and stress and very unhelpful thoughts that go around and around making me more anxious, more confused and more stressed.

Today is one of those lingering anxiety days and I am really hoping it is hormonal. I finally have a belated TTOM which means PMS, so this morning after a really bad night's sleep full of tossing and turning and somewhat painful dreams, I get out of bed and have a shower. The Boy took his sweet time and the hot water runs out when I am covered in suds and with conditioner in my hair. I quickly rinse off and just put my head under the cold water and he "playfully" decided to put cold water all over me. I decided to get "annoyed" about this. Due to my stubbornness and general PMS emotional overdrive I turn it into a massive fight at 6:30am in the morning, which continues for half an hour until I finally just burst into tears for no apparent reason. The Boy lovingly calms me down, and leaves for work.

I get to work right right on time and have a huge pile of work to do today as I am having a long weekend. I am sitting at the computer feeling stressed and then it starts to happen. The unhelpful thoughts, the feeling of not breathing, the feeling of gloom....

So I turn to my blog as my journal is at home, because writing makes it all better, and yes I now feel good again. I am feeling a lot more emotionally stable. Yes therapeutic writing works! Now I can go and enjoy the long weekend I am having to celebrate my birthday (more on that later). Life is beautiful.

Sensational Salsa

Hooray!! The Boy and I finally found enough courage to go and do a dance lesson!

My infatuation with dance began when I watched Strictly Ballroom at the tender age of 10. After seeing that movie I wanted to dance (and I will confess it was the start of my first celeb crush - oh how embarrassing!!). However it just never seemed to happen, then at uni I discovered Ceroc and I really got into it, but after 9 months life, study, work all got in the way. Around 18 months ago I started thinking I should get into it again, and I thought I would give hip hop a try. All I can say is that I gave it a try, I made hip hop look wrong.

Then of course, The Boy came along. He was keen to do dance lessons, however it has taken 8 months for us to finally get out the door, turn up and do it. We didn't even book the course until 8pm on Sunday night, and even then we booked the trial class to ensure we actually wanted to do it before we went to commit to the following 9 weeks.

I'll be honest, one of the reason I had put it off was because it was one of those things that I would do "when I loose 5kgs". But my life has no room for that kind of unhelpful mentality anymore. The Boy was hesitant because we would be rotating partners, and I think he imagined there would be some Latino guy getting a little too close to me. In the car we were both nervous. I always get nervous when I am off to try new things. Usually in the days leading up to it I am really excited about it, but in the car trip I get really nervous. The Boy said he was nervous because he really can't dance and didn't want "to look like an idiot".

As it turns out, we had nothing to worry about. There was about 45 people in the class. About 40 of us were there with partners, ie. the only men there were there because a) their girlfriend/wife dragged them along or b) they had the same fear as The Boy and didn't want their woman getting hit on by another man without them there to protect her. There were only a few "singles" and they were all women. Surprisingly it was me who was keeping an eye out on my boy making sure no one was trying to brush their hand over his behind!

As the lesson went on, the men all rotated, and I was dancing with a bunch of men, who just like me, had no idea what they were doing, but I think the men were all very aware that they were here with their woman because they all stood as far away from me as possible and held only my fingertips. I checked to make sure I didn't smell and I didn't, I looked around and all the men were doing this weird behaviour with all the ladies. It was quite comical.

Finally I was back to my man and it felt lovely. After the lesson we got home and spent just ten minutes practising what we had learnt. It was nice to practise dancing with him and being able to just be close to him. As it turns out he had nothing to worry about, he is a very sexy dancer and I am reminded again that I am a very lucky girl. I asked if he wanted me to book in for the rest of the term.
"Did you enjoy it?" he asked.
"I loved it, I had so much fun, did you?"
"Yeah it was heaps good! But of course I would rather just dance with you"
"So I'll book us in?"
"Yeah, but only so that we can show off at the wedding"
Whatever you say baby.

Image: Flickr