Time To Be Honest

I always wanted my blog to be a positive place. A place I could come and write, and write honestly about my life and my dreams but always with a positive attitude. Let's face it, Dream Achieving is a very positive thing. Sure there are ups and downs but the downs are all part of the positive process. I have always been aware of this and didn't want to get too negative as I didn't feel this blog was the right place for negativity. Nothing good ever comes from it and it is a hindrance to moving forward and moving towards dreams. I have spent over 20 years of my life dwelling in negativity and there is no place in my life for it anymore.

I realise that recently I just stagnated. Just stopped and became stuck and entered a rut. I am sure this is all part of the long term process, but I didn't like it. More recently I have gone about changing that. I am very frustrated at the moment because as I am trying to change it, "it" just seems too much. The lists never end, and I feel I am going around in circles, still not knowing what to do, and feeling like there is too much to do, too much to deal with and change. That breeds more frustration and deepens the negative attitude that seems to have permanently taking up space in my life.

It is a lot of things. It is life in general, it is the fact that I have not had a holiday all year and need one, it is not spending time with The Boy because of work, it is money, it is weight, it is work, it is The Penthouse it is my anxiety creeping back and now to add to the list is a health concern.

Looking through my blog I can see that my negativity is coming through and that is not what I want. Writing with a negative attitude only cements it into my head when all I want is to bring back the positive. The Boy and I finally had a lovely day yesterday and we finally put on paper our plan for the next five years. I feel like the first step has been taken. There is so much more work ahead, but at least the first step has begun.

I am going to take a little break from my blog. Just a week or two. I'll still check in and keep up to date on everyone I follow, but I am just not going to write. I need to shift this negativity and I can only do that in the privacy of my own personal journal knowing it is just me and my thoughts. I need to get out of this headspace, tick a few things off the list and feel that I am back in control and feel I am moving forward once again. Moving being the key word, I don't want to stand still anymore. I need to take time out and breath and reconnect with who I am and my positive attitude. I know it is there, it has simply been pushed to the back. I have dealt with worse and I know I will get through it. See you on the other side. xoxo

Image: Flickr

Let Me Explain Something To You

Tennis Etiquette. The Boy and I enrolled in beginners tennis lessons this term to brush up on our skills (as we lost it all over winter), before we commit to private lessons next year. It has been going well, until this week, (being week 4 of an 8 week program) some guy turns up to participate. Some guy who claims he has never played before. Let's call him Mr A (as in something-hole).

Etiquette #1 - if you have clearly played tennis before for many many years at a comp level and know exactly what you are doing don't join a beginners group!! Don't come along and "be the man" and show off your skills and try and knock the coach to the ground with your apparent power. Guess What! No one cares! You just look like some idiot showing off who clearly has some deep issues that are unresolved because you feel the need to look like you are the best.

Then towards the end The Coach decides that Mr A and I play a singles match. The Coach instructs me that Mr A has never played before and doesn't know how to score and could I please teach him. Etiquette #2 - you ask the woman which end she would like, you do not say "I am taking this end so the sun doesn't get into my eyes" and then refuse to swap.

The coach watches the first two points and leaves. Then Mr A decides to morph into his true self. Etiquette #3 - when you are playing against a woman in tennis and you are a man, you do not smack the ball with the power of a professional that could break the woman's body in two. You say to yourself, this is a woman, I need to ease off the power and save that for the men. But no, Mr A decides to belt the crap out of the balls to ensure he is winning every single point. Of course this doesn't always work so he decides to play a little soft and smart.

Etiquette #4 - SOCIAL Tennis requires you to encourage rallies, this is not comp, you want to hit to the player so you both get to play and have fun which is why it is SOCIAL. Mr A hits just over the net while I sit on the baseline and cannot make the shot, or he angles it so I run for it and nearly run into the fence. Excuse me Mr A, this is not the bloody Australian Open!

Someone has clearly not explained the rules and etiquette of non comp tennis to him. I left feeling upset and violated. If it was a woman it would have been a different story, and I would have played differently, but it was a sorry excuse for a man who apparently had never played before and therefore I did the right thing and hit the balls to him.

I will turn up next week as much as I don't want to, because I am not going to let him win. Only 4 more weeks and I won't have to deal with trash like him ever again. You sir, are not a gentleman, but a rude, arrogant wanker who needs to be taught some manners, not only on the tennis court but off them as well, and until you do, I just pity you, because if you continue to treat people that way you will never get ahead, and that is your loss. Game Set Match Elissa.

Hello Elissa, Remember Me? {Part One}

Well, do you remember me? We were very intimate earlier in the year, you spent a lot of time with me. Going through every single part of me, but then you stopped. I think that may have been my fault. I reminded you of the bad boy. I know you don't want to think about him, let alone relive that entire experience with him, but you have to understand it is important. We cannot just cut him out of me. Just as you were starting to get up again he cut you down and took you further than you were before. I know you know I am right, and he must be kept within me, it is all part of the journey, the story.

I know I caused you pain, but let me assure you that once we relive that part it will all be over, it may even bring you some closure and a little more healing. I know you think that you are healed, that you have dealt with it all and it is all a distant memory. I know you believe that. But don't you think if that was true then you wouldn't have closed me up with such anger, and come home only to throw me into the depths of the cupboard where I still remain? You don't even discuss him anymore with your shrink because you have convinced yourself (and possibly her) that it is all dealt with and over.

Over yes, but I know there is still pain. What are you afraid of? He cannot hurt you now. Are you afraid that somehow it will destroy the relationship you have now? You finally found what you spent your entire life looking for. You not only found him, but together you have both worked to ensure you have an ideal relationship that you both want. You know, the relationship that everyone looks at and thinks, I want to have that kind of relationship too. Don't you think you have that?

I suspect you are afraid that by remembering the past it will affect your present and future. Let me assure you it is simply not possible. Do you not think that the fact The Boy is in your life will make getting over this stumbling block that much easier. Knowing when it gets too intense he is right there to bring you back to the present moment and hold you in his arms. Would that not make this process a million times easier than being a single girl and bursting into tears and feeling like you will never meet the man of your dreams? You know that action cures fear so what are you waiting for?

There is more we need to discuss but how about I make a suggestion before we continue. I know you are seeing your Shrink tomorrow. Why don't you mention to her this blockage. See what she has to say. Once you have read it through, then it is done. No more surprises, it will all be out there and every re-read you already know the worst of it. You really need to deal with this, the final chapter before you and I can resume our relationship again. I would like that, I know you would to.

Revelation and Re-Evaluation

This picture has nothing to do with this post, I just like Cows, yes I am one of "those" people

Way too early yesterday morning I was thinking, as I do, and I suddenly had this big revelation. I was thinking about how I was feeling blah and not getting anywhere and how I am trying to pull myself out of the rut. The Boy and I decided that the first thing to work on was our health and fitness and to loose some weight blah blah blah, usual story. So for almost a month now we have been doing that, and it has been an awful process as we feel we have been banging out heads against the wall as we make progress so slowly, meanwhile everything else just seems to get worse and to be honest it doesn't really feel like we are climbing out of our rut at all.

During this time I have been thinking about the other areas that need work on and how I would address them once we had this health and fitness thing sorted. That's great, however it appears that my heart/gut/instinct, whatever you call it, was pulling me elsewhere. The amazing thing is that The Boy was going through the same thing, he was being pulled elsewhere and we were both being pulled to the same thing, primarily our finances, which I guess shows how in sync we are (which was also proved last night when I was sleeping alone cos he was away and I kept waking up looking for him, is that sweet or tragic?).

So my big revelation was to focus on what I am being pulled to, let the weight issue go for now and focus on what else needs to be done. In an instant I just felt this huge wave of relief. I felt comfortable and calm and I felt that I was now on the right path. The decision was made and it just felt right. I decided that I was going to go with my gut and focus on two other areas of my life. Well, what can I say, yesterday my mind wouldn't stop, I came up with about a hundred solutions, I was busy writing everything down, it was just idea after idea after idea. Last night I spoke to The Boy on the phone about all these great ideas and he agreed on most of them and I honesty feel that now we can cross one issue off the list. That area of our life just seems to be fixed overnight. Sure we have to actively make sure we stick to the plan, but it won't take much, in fact it is now easier than what we were doing, which was really just going around in circles.

I feel so much happier now, and I feel like I am finally making progress and sorting stuff out. Going to give it at least 6 weeks to carry out what we need to do, while also sorting out everything organisational. All the boxes will be unpacked and all paperwork will be re-sorted and everything done, all in one place, and all easy to find. This includes cleaning out the garage and continuing to get rid of a huge amount of crap.

Of course, having said all of this, I am not about to park myself out the front of McDonald's everyday, nor am I going to shop only from the Confectionery aisle. I will still continue to cook healthy meals and eat well and exercise. I am just not going to be so anal about it. If I find myself tired one night and really not bothered and discovering I am in the car about to order via drive through, that is ok, I am not going to stress or beat myself up over it. And of course Friday night take away, movies and chocolate will continue, oh yeah looking forward to that! If I can maintain till the end of the year I will be very very happy.

Reaching your goal weight, especially when you have about 25-30kg to loose is a full time deal. It requires a lot of planning, energy and discipline, and time. 12 weeks wouldn't cut it for me, I would need a least 52 weeks, and right now I cannot give it the attention it deserves and that is ok. When the time is right I will give it 100% and it will come off. That could be a month away it could be a year away. I don't know, but I trust it will happen when it should.

I have learnt to listen to myself, that in the end, I really do know what is best for me. I am confident also that if I make the wrong decision that my heart/gut/instinct, will lead me back to where I need to go and onto the right path, and confident also that everything else will happen when it should. There is a lot of peace from this lesson, I feel content and calm, something I have not felt for a while now. Just take a moment and listen, what is it that you really want right now?

Image: Flickr

Hmmmm

I don't know what exactly I am feeling today. Stressed. Work is suddenly busy (about time too because there are only so many times I can surf the web before I want to pick up my monitor and throw it out the window) and, naturally, nothing is working the way it should be and then someone comes along to "fix" it, but by "fixing" it they change the format and then I have to try and fix the formatting back to the way it was, meanwhile I am given more and more work.

I feel busy outside of work, so much to do and get done, it is like now that I am going to uni I have this sudden urge to sort out my entire life because I will not have time once I start studying, and I just have no time to do anything else now. I am dreading looking at my email cos it has been over a week and then I have friends trying to contact me via facebook for who knows what, even though I have not logged into facebook all year and once I finally get around to it, it will be to shut it down.

I feel blah, maybe a little sad. I feel frustrated. Could someone please answer a question for me. Why is it that when one area of your life suddenly comes alive and goes so well (right now my career/passion with getting into uni) that at the exact same time another area in your life that was going along so well suddenly manages to you-know-what up and you have more you-know-what to deal with? Is it me? Am I just not able to manage my life to enable two areas to work well together at the same time? Or is it just the way life is, that you cannot have everything going well for you because life is not like that. I know this is temporary, but I don't care, it just doesn't seem fair right now, and the more I try and fix everything the more it seems like I am going backwards.

Then there is The Boy, he is doing so well at work and is filling in a senior role for 4 weeks while some guy is away. He is also working 6 days for the next several weeks with a lot of overtime and on Saturday I was half asleep in bed, I kissed him good bye at 7am and I didn't see him again until he crawled into bed after midnight. Isn't it illegal to work that long? We both desperately just want to spend time with each other but there doesn't seem to be any time, and so we are getting a little cranky in general which doesn't help and all we both need is lots of hugs and kisses and a whole day to just lock ourselves up in The Penthouse and chill out.

And finally, (although I am sure there is more, good thing I am seeing my Shrink on Saturday) it is "that time of the year". Which means two things;

1. Christmas. Last year was spent with my parents, this year was going to be spent with his, at their place in the Hunter Valley. That is until they informed us that his sister refuses to drive down and therefore they are going to Coffs Harbour for Christmas, which is only like 8 hours away, and it will be her partners parents as well and their kids etc etc, and to be honest we both feel like we would be on the outside and neither of us want to travel that far. We have two weeks holiday and we don't want to spend it traveling and living in a big house with zero privacy. Next year we are having Christmas, and if no one turns up I don't care, too much drama and stress and guilt trying to go from one family to the next.

2. 2010. Time to start thinking about what we want to happen next year, what goals to set, what our priorities are, and also to reflect on what happened this year. I have no idea, as 2010 is not going to be at all what I thought it would be. I am going back to uni! That was never in the picture. So I guess I am feeling a little lost, The Boy and I both want to discuss these things but just cannot seem to find the time, and to top it off he is leaving me tomorrow for work and I won't see him till Thursday night.

I think I feel a little better now that it is all out there. Everything will happen when it should and I just need to relax and only focus on what I can do each day. Which right now means getting back to work and hopefully managing a smile. I will try my best.

I Have Some News

I am feeling a lot better about myself now. Have managed to get back on track and this time I actually wrote everything out on paper and have put it on the fridge. Having my goals and plans stored in my head and hoping for the best was clearly not working for me. I knew this all along, but what can I say, the rut made me lazy and laziness is a little hard to shake off.

But I have news. No I am not pregnant, no I am not engaged, and no I did not wake up to find a large pile of money next to my bed :( I did however discover that I was accepted into university! YAY!!!!

I could not be happier! I am doing this through UNE as a distance student, and will only have to head up to Armidale a couple of weeks a year for the prac work (which is a bonus because Armidale is one of my favourite places).

The Boy and I talked a lot last night and we have decided that next year I will only be doing one subject a semester, and see how that goes, it has been a while since I studied so I want to ease back into it. That and I also need to still work full time, so it will take me a very long time to graduate, but I don't care how long it takes, I am finally doing what I am supposed to do! I am so excited I have printed off every single page of all the units I can choose from and will study those in great detail this weekend. Yes I am such a nerd but I just embrace that! The only problem is, what am I going to do until Feb next year? I think the answer is enjoy all the free time I have now and live life to the fullest, cos once I start I'll be working, studying, having dinner and probably more study. But for now it is time to celebrate and enjoy this moment and use it to spur me on to achieve even more.

Image: Flickr

How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr