How To Feel Inadequate

Yesterday was Melbourne Cup, and at work that meant we were going out to celebrate. The boss has several memberships to various groups and one of them was holding a big Melbourne Cup Lunch at Darling Harbour, so off we went. I didn't want to wear the same dress as last year, so about three months ago I started looking for a nice dress to wear. I saw lots of nice dresses, and I would pick them up and try them on, only to look in the mirror and feel depressed. They were either too small, or made me look twice the size I really was. I have a very unusual body shape; average shoulders; big breasts; narrow waist; big belly; small butt; average thighs and slender calves. The belly is my biggest hang up, if I put on weight it seems to be the only place it goes, and if I loose weight it all comes off from there. To be honest, I hate it, I hate my belly. I will often put something on, pat my belly and yes, if I did that in public people would think I was pregnant.

Finally about a month ago I tried on a dress. It was a very simple black dress with cream polka dots. It fit, it was a little tight around the belly, but it fit, and it was flattering, at least I thought it was at the time. However, yesterday as I got dressed and looked in the mirror before we had to leave all I could see was an overweight girl pretending to look nice. The dress wasn't flattering, it was conservative, it was something a middle aged woman would wear, and I picked it to hide in, but looking at myself all I thought was how much extra weight I was carrying around and how unattractive I was. I couldn't look at myself any longer.

We arrived at the venue and walked in to take our seats. As I looked around all I could see were beautiful women, stunning, all dressed up in dresses I should be wearing, lots of make up and all of them size 8 or 10. I couldn't see another woman who was even close to my size. I took the napkin off the table and put it on my lap, covering my huge belly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I pulled my chair in as far as I could desperately trying to hide it all. The venue was hot, I was starting to sweat, and that only seemed to make the dress tighter, and all I could see were beautiful women, smiling, enjoying the day. They ate the fatty food, the vegetables covered in oil, the "lamb" that really just looked like lamb fat rolled up, I barely touched the food because I was so worried about what it had in it, all I could see was an oil slick all over the plate.

I didn't feel like continuing on to party, I wanted to go home. I felt depressed and I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to see myself in this body, the body that I created. I created the extra kilos, I sat on the couch and ate, I choose to watch DVD's instead of going outside, and I got in the car to get take away instead of cooking dinner. There is no person or thing I can blame, I can only blame myself. My body is the way it is because of what I have done to it, and all I have done is create a body I struggle to look at. I don't want this body, yet I have it because of every single decision I have made. Sitting in that room of beautiful women, I have never felt more inadequate in my entire life, nor have I ever felt like I have stuck out from the crowd so much.

The Boy was picking me up, my friend from work, Miss T, waited with me while I waited for him. I told her I really liked her dress, she could pull it off, and that I wish I could wear something a little racy and more appropriate for my age. She told me she hated her thighs and wished she had my body. I smiled and told her I wished I had hers.

The Boy arrived to take me home. I didn't want to talk, he asked why, but I kept telling him I would tell him later. I did finally tell him. I told him about the beautiful women and how unattractive and grossly overweight I am. I told him that I have been making healthy choices and doing so well for the last 2 weeks now, about how I have lost 1.5kg and how in a moment, all that good stuff was gone. It wasn't enough, I was still what I was two weeks ago.

I suppose I should have been motivated to go home and have a salad for dinner, but instead I chose to keep driving, have KFC and finish that off with half a block of chocolate. I was depressed and the last thing I wanted to do was do something good for myself.

The Boy tells me multiple times every day how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how attractive I am, how whenever we go out he has to give death stares to the men that are checking me out. I see none of that. I wish one day that I could look into the mirror and see myself the way The Boy does. I am confident that one day I will, but not today.

Today is a new day, and while I had a very poor sleep due to the heat and missed my morning workout, I still had a healthy breakfast, and a healthy morning tea. And I have told Miss T, that no, I don't want to order pizza for lunch, but if she wants to she should go ahead anyway. I will have my sandwich and tonight when I come home from work I will go for a walk or get on the bike and later, cook a healthy stir fry for dinner. I might not like what I see, and I might not see what is really there, but all I can do is continue to look after myself, nourish my body, and whenever I look in the mirror only see the good. Then I can be confident that one day my body and my head will be in total agreement with each other, and that I can proudly say "I love my body."

Image: Flickr