Reflections

I wrote my post yesterday while I was still at work and hence still bothered by the whole incident. Much to my total astonishment (and delight) I came home and had left all that negative energy at work. Once again I had left it at the door. This is a huge thing for me because the ability to let things go, especially work stuff is something I have struggled with for years. Last year was probably the worst of it too. I would come home feeling deflated and unwilling to do anything and would snap at The Boy. Being able to let it all go and just be me at home was something I was aspiring to and all of a sudden I am there, and I have no idea how that happened.

I feel so liberated, so content and energised with this new found knowledge that today really is a new day and I don't need to carry around crap for days on end. I have known this for ages but the actual application eluded me. So how did I reach this point? I believe it is because I am more focused on what I want now. The Boy and I sat down in December to really write out our five year plan and to stop talking about an abstract vision but to detail every single thing we wanted and to write it down. We spent the whole month discussing and editing this vision and at the end of our holidays broke down that vision into yearly steps, thus forming our 2010 goals.

I didn't have that last year, I felt very lost last year, just floating around, knowing what I wanted and working on it, but working without a plan. I had the goal and I had the starting point but I never bothered with the actual plan of action. I have that now, and I think that is why I am able to let everything go now. Because at the end of the day I have too much to focus my time and energy on if I want to achieve those dreams that I simply cannot waste any of it on the meaningless of obsessing over people that want to bring me down.

At this point in time I cannot control my work environment, but I can control how I react to it. I am not going to let any of these family members bring me down, if that is how they get their kicks, fine, I just pity them. But I will no longer allow them to take me backwards on my journey and to consume my headspace, they are not worth it and my dreams are worth so much more. At the end of the day the only person who can make me feel back about myself is me.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and that manifested itself in that I let everyone walk all over me. But as I approached adulthood that started to change, the more I believed in myself and my abilities the more I stood up for myself and would no longer tolerate that behaviour from others. I managed to get that right but what people said to me still bothered me. I slowly gave up caring what other people thought about me, although for me this has been an up and down journey, with times when I fall back into old patterns like I have recently with work. The only people I listen to now are those I love and respect and are close to me and who I know will approach me from a place of love, not bitterness, nastiness, selfishness or jealousy. And while those at work will continue to say what they say, I am not going to let it break me. I might have my initial reaction, but it stops there. It is not coming home with me because what they say and think I actually do not care about, they are not people worthy of listening too.

I reflected last night that this is simply temporary. I have gone through so much worse and ended up so much better for it, so I am confident I will achieve the same result here. While I may not like it I am starting to see the good in it. It is giving me strength in who I am and what I can do. It is teaching me the skill of letting go, something I have longed for, for many years. Finally, it is giving me motivation. Because the more this happens the more motivated I am when I come home to do what I have to do. I have a 5 year plan that includes working for myself doing what I want to do and answering only to me, and I know how to get there, and while I have already begun taking those steps, each verbal abuse leads to taking those steps just a little quicker. Bring it on!