It Doesn't Rain It Pours

Yes I am still alive. I am very well, stressed and mildly anxious but overall I am fantastic. With my dreams for the year I wanted to get right into it. I didn't want to stuff around and hit June and think, I really should get started on that. So I set off, maybe a little too quickly. Actually, no that is not true. I set off on the weight loss goal. I wanted to start on that, get the whole healthy eating and exercise thing a habit so that when uni started (4 weeks now....) the healthy weight goal was manageable and I could focus on the uni and from there gradually move onto the others.

The buying a house goal was probably that last thing that was going to get started. Maybe around June even. But all of a sudden it has just gone full speed ahead. I don't even know how it happened or what caused it. We decided to explore the house and land option. If we moved 20 minutes away from our desired suburb we could get a good block of land and build a brand new house for the same price. After researching the area we are now in love with it. It is very family friend (and no, I am not) and we simply traded the beach for a lake (although we plan to move to the beach down the track but I can think about that in 5-10 years time).

So then on the weekend we found ourselves at Homeworld in Kellyville, fell in love with a house and this weekend we are up to the coast to scour land. Up until the weekend all my free time was in looking at floorplans, and dreaming about them. This week it has been searching for land that is flat (if an agent sends me details to a block they have had for a year because it is virtually horizontal I will scream) and dreaming about vacant blocks of land. Now I am stressing because there is so much to do and I want to find something before uni starts so I can put my focus into that. I don't care how long it takes to build the house. It can take 2 years for all I care, as long as we find the land we are looking for in the next four weeks.

Anyway, on top of that is work. Miss T has told me she is leaving. I am very happy for her, but have no idea who will keep me sane here. So after lunch I quickly looked on seek and there it was. The job I have been searching for, for the last 6 months. Right there, right in front of me, located in the very suburb we are looking for the land.

I am sure this post is coming across rushed and rambled and scattered, which, unfortunately, is my head space right now. Time for me to go, I have to polish the CV and focus my attention on an outstanding cover letter. Hopefully then I can clear my head and get back to being just me, doing what I want, when I want, and using the internet for fun, and if I never see the dimensions for a block of land again I will be very happy.

My Dreams For 2010

Weigh 30kg less than my January start weight

Finish the first draft of my manuscript

Receive Distinctions from my two uni subjects

Be personal debt free

Attend both a creative writing course and an acting course

Buy my first house with The Boy

Go away at least 4 times

Have a 'date' with The Boy once a week

Do something out of the ordinary twice a month

Live more in the moment and appreciate each day

Honesty

I really need to get my act together and post my 2010 goals up here because I am already referring to them. Monday night at the latest!

One such goals is to weigh lighter and maintain that. This is actually a joint goal with The Boy and I. We both have around 30kg to loose, half of which was gained the second we moved in together and we traded dinner dates to eating takeaway on the couch and watching movies all weekend (I am still trying to get some of those stains out). Anyway, as most people at this time of the year do, we started to change our "lifestyle". Considering we have both attempted this and failed many times before we have a plan of attack now and have enlisted some help from outside (more on that another day). But at the moment we are just eating a lot of salad and veggies and walking again.

The other day during our second walk of the year we were slowly walking up The Hill. We live in a very hilly area and had just been cruising along nicely on flats and downhill and at the end of the walk we have about a 1km journey all uphill with a very nasty incline. For motivation he decided to talk about how we are going to be weighing less at the end of the year, being our ideal size and how wonderful that will feel blah blah blah and then he said;

"You are going to look so much sexier when you have lost all that weight."

What? For the past 12 months The Boy and I have played the game of "Do you find me attractive?" "Of course I do." "Even though I am carrying around extra weight?" "Yes baby, you are very sexy." All year we have clearly been lying to each other!

I mean, you want honesty in your relationship. You really do, but you can be honest without telling the truth. I mean I do find him sexy as he is now, of course, but would I find him even more sexier when he is looking all buff? Of course I would! Would I tell him that? NO! I'm not lying, I am telling him he is sexy but I am simply not adding that perhaps a slight shift in weight could add to the sexiness factor. And I assumed he was the same. I know he finds me attractive but I know what I see in the mirror and I know what he is thinking. But why tell me.

I actually stopped walking and looked at him.

"What!?"

"You will look sexier when you loose weight."

"Am I not sexy now?"

"Of course you are, I am just saying you will look sexier. I want to see you in tight jeans with a little tight top that shows just your belly button, just a little bit of skin and when you lift up your arms you see a lot more skin. Oh yeah."

And then, HE LICKED HIS LIPS!

He is standing there fantasizing about a -30kg version of me and clearly enjoying it! I don't know if that is a compliment or an insult.

"So what am I now?" I asked for validation.

"You are sexy, very sexy, I'm just saying that you will be sexier, but you are already sexy, and won't you feel better about yourself? And won't you find me sexier too when I loose all this weight?"

Cleverly throwing it back to me, I respond with "Yes" and we continue walking. No more lies, the truth and the reality is all out in the open now. I think at the end of the day it is a compliment. I mean I would rather that then him writing me off altogether and just buying men's mags. I also think it means we are very comfortable in our relationship if we are being that honest with each other. Which is a great thing I am sure, but perhaps we are a little too comfortable? Or perhaps I was a little too comfortable living in denial. Hmmmm.....

Image: Flickr

Reflections

I wrote my post yesterday while I was still at work and hence still bothered by the whole incident. Much to my total astonishment (and delight) I came home and had left all that negative energy at work. Once again I had left it at the door. This is a huge thing for me because the ability to let things go, especially work stuff is something I have struggled with for years. Last year was probably the worst of it too. I would come home feeling deflated and unwilling to do anything and would snap at The Boy. Being able to let it all go and just be me at home was something I was aspiring to and all of a sudden I am there, and I have no idea how that happened.

I feel so liberated, so content and energised with this new found knowledge that today really is a new day and I don't need to carry around crap for days on end. I have known this for ages but the actual application eluded me. So how did I reach this point? I believe it is because I am more focused on what I want now. The Boy and I sat down in December to really write out our five year plan and to stop talking about an abstract vision but to detail every single thing we wanted and to write it down. We spent the whole month discussing and editing this vision and at the end of our holidays broke down that vision into yearly steps, thus forming our 2010 goals.

I didn't have that last year, I felt very lost last year, just floating around, knowing what I wanted and working on it, but working without a plan. I had the goal and I had the starting point but I never bothered with the actual plan of action. I have that now, and I think that is why I am able to let everything go now. Because at the end of the day I have too much to focus my time and energy on if I want to achieve those dreams that I simply cannot waste any of it on the meaningless of obsessing over people that want to bring me down.

At this point in time I cannot control my work environment, but I can control how I react to it. I am not going to let any of these family members bring me down, if that is how they get their kicks, fine, I just pity them. But I will no longer allow them to take me backwards on my journey and to consume my headspace, they are not worth it and my dreams are worth so much more. At the end of the day the only person who can make me feel back about myself is me.

When I was a teenager I had low self esteem and that manifested itself in that I let everyone walk all over me. But as I approached adulthood that started to change, the more I believed in myself and my abilities the more I stood up for myself and would no longer tolerate that behaviour from others. I managed to get that right but what people said to me still bothered me. I slowly gave up caring what other people thought about me, although for me this has been an up and down journey, with times when I fall back into old patterns like I have recently with work. The only people I listen to now are those I love and respect and are close to me and who I know will approach me from a place of love, not bitterness, nastiness, selfishness or jealousy. And while those at work will continue to say what they say, I am not going to let it break me. I might have my initial reaction, but it stops there. It is not coming home with me because what they say and think I actually do not care about, they are not people worthy of listening too.

I reflected last night that this is simply temporary. I have gone through so much worse and ended up so much better for it, so I am confident I will achieve the same result here. While I may not like it I am starting to see the good in it. It is giving me strength in who I am and what I can do. It is teaching me the skill of letting go, something I have longed for, for many years. Finally, it is giving me motivation. Because the more this happens the more motivated I am when I come home to do what I have to do. I have a 5 year plan that includes working for myself doing what I want to do and answering only to me, and I know how to get there, and while I have already begun taking those steps, each verbal abuse leads to taking those steps just a little quicker. Bring it on!

The Drama Continues in 2010

I have had problems with work pretty much from about 3-6 months in. It started with little things and then over time gradually increased. My recent work history was a little "choppy" so I wanted to stay here a while to prove to future employers my stability. I was warned however by Miss T (my work bestie who only works part time as she has 2 year old twins boys to look after) at the start that for the past several years all the people in this role only lasted up to the 6 month mark. She wouldn't tell me why that was until the problems started and then I realised. It's not me, it's them. And suddenly we became besties as we spent our lunches complaining about work and having a good old female dog session and I would listen in horror about what the ex employees went through. I was still determined to stick it out however.

It has been a rollercoaster ever since. Three months ago I tried to quit, long story, but I didn't. That was fine. The Boy and I were getting serious about our Central Coast dream and I figured I would decided what job I wanted up there and start to look for it, something I actually wanted to do, I was not going to settle. Around December I decided that I knew what I wanted, it needed to be near a train station and ideally be 4 days a week, possibly 3 or 5 depending on the hours. I had a list of what industries I wanted to work in and off I went. I have not found it yet. I have found the hours but not the location, I have found the location but not the hours. But I am hopefully that at some point in the future the two will merge and I will apply and get that job. Until then I was going to suck it up here.

On Tuesday I "got in trouble" with The Mother (family business and I am so glad I am not in the family!) for missing 60 CENTS on an invoice we sent to a customer. Not $60,000, not $6,000, not even $600. But 60 Freaking Cents! I would have been happy to admit that, however, The Daughter is really big on "quality control" so all invoices must be checked by The son in case I make a mistake, cos, you know, I am human, it can happen. But he signed off on that invoice saying it was ok to go! I told her that but it was still my fault and I should have checked it (which I did, but anyway). I also got in trouble for not responding to her email straight away. I was told to do something else by The son and as her email was not marked urgent or did she even mentioned that she needed me to get back to her asap I left it. I didn't see this as a problem but apparently it was.

I was very proud of myself that despite the ten minute phone call of abuse and being told I need to be more careful blah blah blah I was able to leave it at the door. I didn't let it bother me. I am too happy now, have too much going on outside of work to worry about a nasty bitter old woman throwing her weight around.

Well today I was "in trouble". This time I didn't email The Mother to let her know that we had received a piece of equipment. The key problem here is that a) I have never told her about equipment coming in before, and b) I don't deal with any of the equipment, that is Miss T's job. However it was all my fault and the verbal abuse started again. As much as I would like to let today's show go, I don't know if I can. It was a lot more personal. She said a lot. I think my favourite was;

"You are paid to think, and you are not thinking!"

Oh that's right, because I'm a freakin idiot which is on my CV and which is why you gave me the job in the first place.

The whole family is really big on the Why questions. But why wasn't this done, why didn't you do this, why didn't you wipe my arse when I asked you too. At this stage I am wondering why they haven't just fired me because I never hear what I am doing right. So I told her why I didn't email her about it. Apparently that wasn't good enough and she would not accept my answer (just like The Daughter wouldn't accept my resignation). Our argument continued for at least 5 minutes, finally I said to her;

"Ok, well I gave you my answer, you don't like it, what do you want me to say?"

"That you didn't think."

"Fine, I didn't think."

So I now I don't think, and I need to "get my act together" because she is "very disappointed in my performance." After a few phone calls I have established that I am being subject to bullying and harassment in the work place. I mean, I couldn't even defend myself. She bullied me into saying what she wanted to hear. And I never let that happen. I never let anyone speak to me that way, no one. And those that know me would know what kinda s**t would go down if they did.

So why am I tolerating it? I gave in to get her off the phone so I could ring The Boy and have a cry. The stupid thing is Miss T called me an hour later to tell me she sorted the whole thing out and confirmed that I did nothing wrong it was all her stuff anyway, and no one did anything wrong, that The Mother just didn't understand how it all worked. Not that it makes it ok at all.

I just don't know why they do this. They bullied one of the scientists here constantly threatening her, saying if she didn't do her job they would fire her (even though she was doing her job and more). Finally she snapped, went and got another job (at the end of last year) at a much better company with a lot more money and they even agreed to sponsor her (she was from the UK). The family was completely puzzled (and up the you know what) when she handed in her notice. They didn't think there was a problem. So what am I doing?

A new job is one of my goals this year. But I don't want to settle. I don't want to have to take something I don't really want just because I am desperate. But after this recent attack I don't know how much longer I can "suck it up". But it isn't just that either. It is the fact that I do not deserve to be treated this way, and certainly not by an employer. The complete zero professionalism this family exhibits astounds me, as does the fact that none of them have even bothered to obtain any kind of qualification in managing people.

I believe I have always performed well in my jobs as an employee, I put in the effort and have been rewarded in the past as a result. Even at this place when I tried to resigned The Daughter wouldn't accept it because she told me I was a valuable employee and my work was very important (did she pass that onto The Mother?). But if I am apparently so crap at it, why not just have a meeting with me and tell me without all the emotion. And why not offer to give me training as well. And thus lies the problem. I was trained in this role, but 3-6 months in she decides she wants to retire and she will train me up. She never trained me. She just started to get me to do stuff. Just little things, she would tell me what I had to do, but never how to do it. I would ask her how and she would tell me she didn't have time and would "go through it later". But later never comes. So I do the best that I can and if I make one single mistake it is like I have just stolen from them or something. Such a massive drama. And for what? 60 cents? A notification of equipment? So my question is why? Why all the drama and what am I going to do about it.

The (Belated) 2009 Summary

I made a comment to someone last week that last year was such a lazy year for me. That comment bugged me all day and when I later thought about it I realised how untrue it was. Sure I might not have accomplished everything I set out to, but does that mean I failed? Far from it. I achieved a lot last year, so I thought I would briefly summarise my achievements to inspire me and also so I can look back when I am struggling this year and remember that anything is possible.

Firstly I successfully came off the anti-anxiety medication. That was a goal I always thought would be in the future, but suddenly it happened. Not only did I come off the meds but I no longer suffer from anxiety. It does creep up now and then but I am free from it in my everyday life after battling it for many years.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do for the career aspect of my life. I was spending years floating around doing admin jobs and I was hungry for more. I wanted passion and fire and something I could look forward too. I finally went back to my childhood love of Agriculture and applied for uni and got in. Only 5 more weeks till I start now!

My manuscript, I realised this year that it is going to take a lot longer than I first thought it would. When I first wrote it, it was never a manuscript, it was all journal entries during a very dark time of my life and it wasn't until that period was ending I thought I would turn it into something more. So it means a lot more editing and so many more gaps to fill than if I just started out with the "let's write a book" goal (which sometimes I think I should just start again with it). However I did managed to edit over 100 pages of work and on top of that produce an additional 100 pages of writing which I think is a huge effort and it is something I am very proud of.

My relationship with The Boy has totally flourished. We only moved in together at the end of 2008 not having been together all that long and neither of us having lived with a partner before. The first few months were really tough and a huge shock and adjustment to both of us, but we have managed to get over all the drama and reach a really great place to be in. I don't really know how to put it into words, except that we are both happy and live together in harmony most of the time (still trying to work on a few more annoying habits).

I have also strengthened my relationship with my family. My mum commented the other day that since I moved in with The Boy I have grown up immensely and I have noticed that too and I just have a lovely relationship with my mum and dad now and even my brother. He has even started to hug me when he sees me now. This is huge considering when we were living together all we did was fight. I cannot remember the last time I fought with any of them.

I don't have a massive circle of friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and I'm very close to them, but I wanted to expand my circle a little bit more and I was fortunate over the 12 months to develop two new friendships from places I least expected it. It wasn't until I thought about this recently that I realised I am now good friends with both of them. It is weird because I think as an adult you kinda get stuck and it is so much harder to make friends. I know I will be friends with both these girls for so many years to come and it gives me confidence for when we move that I won't be isolated for long.

Money. Due to my younger, reckless years (how old does that sound!) I managed to rack up some personal debt, but this year I was able to halve it which was more than I thought I could do. I am very pleased about that but also realised I can always aim higher and push myself further.

And finally I acquired new skills such as cooking and rediscovered old ones such as my tapestry. I am loving learning new skills and finding joy in the old ones and this is something I will continue with this year also.

So there we go. Reflecting on this list I actually feel pretty good about myself and confident in what I can achieve this year. I am also reminded that I need to not only think positive thoughts but speak them as well. So the next time someone asks me how the last 12 months have been I am able to respond with pride that it was an amazing time with some wonderful dreams achieved.

Welcome 2010!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas and New Year, and is going to have an amazing 2010. Today is the first day back for me and I have so much to blog about and so many blogs to catch up on!

For today however I thought I would share my holiday and hopefully tomorrow I can share my plans for 2010, let's just say this year is going to be huge, so much to do.

Our holiday started with a trip to the Zoo, Mum found a free entry coupon so we spent the day there and it was really great. I haven't been since school so I really enjoyed it, although I wouldn't bother going full price at $41 each, I can think of other things to do with that money.

The next day it was up t0 the Hunter Valley to spend time with The Boy's parents. Yes she started talking to us again and once we got there it all seemed to be the proverbial water under the bridge, aside from a few remarks everything was ok. We were there until late Christmas Eve and I finally stopped being on my best behaviour and was just myself. I relaxed completely and I think they like the real me even more (as opposed to the Elissa that has to be on show all the time to let them know I am a suitable partner for The Boy - all in my head of course). While there I was able to fine tune my newly acquired boganista skills and can now mix it with the best of them up there. It is weird though, I kinda like it, like my inner bogan was just hiding inside of me all this time waiting to come out, although I could never give her free reign, that is just not my style.

I was completely spoiled on Christmas as The Boy gave me a Wii and hence we almost missed Christmas Lunch because I couldn't pull myself away from it. You know, we had to connect it all up just to make sure it was working.

I totally blew my monthly budget in one day at the post Christmas sales, but at least now I have the most divine bedding and with a few other accessories have created the bedroom just how I want it. It is now our little haven for romance and relaxation. I am back to journalling again because I love sitting on the one seater couch in the bedroom just writing, it is heavenly. I even managed to convince The Boy that yes we did need 1000 count Egyptian cotton sheets, although I am afraid to use them as they are so good. In fact the only thing I actually bought for myself was a nice pair of gold sandals and a new filofax, I am so turning into the lady of the house!

Before the new year The Boy and I went to the movies, gold class. It was my first time and I cannot go back now. I love the space of Gold Class and the limited seating and the fact there are no teenagers yelling and screaming behind me. We saw Avatar 3D and if you have not seen this movie I insist you go. I didn't think I would like it, but I loved every second of it and 3D was just amazing, and hello Sam Worthington - my new celeb crush!

And finally The Boy and I hosted out first every party. We had both our families over for New Years Eve which meant lots and lots of cleaning, so I am not in a hurry to do it again, but it was a lot of fun and a success so I am confident in my "hosting" abilities. Just thought I would test out my skills on the family first.

From New Years Day until this morning we have cocooned ourselves in The Penthouse recovering from the entire two weeks and sleeping in till 11 only to get up, have breakfast and park ourselves on the sofa until dinner time. The perfect end to a much needed holiday. If only I didn't have to be brought back to reality this morning. I was so happy.