So What Is Happening With The A Word?

The A Word. What can I say. Up until FMIL's offer, it was doing great, so great that my shrink told me that my goal for the next 6 months was to focus on my health so I could get off the meds. 12 months ago my shrink told me I may have to face that fact that I could be on them for life. Then I suddenly see the finishing line in front of me, only 6 more months and med free, and then.....

I am now faced with a decision about whether to pack up my entire life and start again. This does not help the A word. In fact I have done a 120 (not quite at 180 yet) and am very anxious again. I have gone back to old patterns and habits, and unhelpful thoughts are now swimming around my headspace again. Just when I thought I had dealt with it all and would never have to go through all the b/s again, it all comes back. Just trying to make the decision is causing it, and then when I think, lets do it, lets move, it gets worse. I think about everything that could go wrong and all the changes I have to make and it makes the anxiety symptoms come on strong.

Like this morning, The Boy and I had an "argument". I made an innocent, non judgemental comment, but apparently they way I said it was judgmental and hence we "debated" for 40 minutes this morning over the phone. Naturally we resolved it, but it made me anxious, and flooded me with lots of unhelpful thoughts. I resolved that we cannot move, because what if we have a fight, who can I turn to? No one! What if FMIL gets involved, then what happens? What if The Boy had to choose between us? What if I accidentally told her to **** off and mind her own business, what would happen then? Anxiety that is what happens! Major panic attacks, and just thinking about it makes me jittery, and I think, no we are not going to move, and then I get anxious again because I don't want to stay where I am now anymore.

Then there is the issue of money. Apparently it doesn't matter if I don't have a job when we move (assuming that is the decision we make) because The Boy can "provide for me". He can "sustain" me until I get a job. Ok, so this is probably the dream of a lot of girls/women, and when I was a little girl it was my dream too, and when I first started working it was my goal, but I have been an "Independent Princess" for several years now, and have never relied on any man to provide for me. I can look after myself thank you very much. Sure, down the track when I am pregnant/have a newborn I can do it, but now? Of course The Boy isn't just "any man". He is The Man I am spending my life with, but I am really struggling to get my head around this concept. The thought of having to rely on him to "look after" me is sending my anxiety right up.

So I am just left feeling more confused. Still no closer to a decision, but wishing I was back in a different headspace. Hoping I can still begin 2010 med free. I'm seeing The Shrink tomorrow, hopefully I'll gain some clarity and some peace and that all is not yet lost.

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