Reasons To Stay

So why would I want to stay here in Sydney? What are the factors that would make me turn down this opportunity?

• Family. Obviously. I have lived in Sydney all my life never left it, and for most of that time I lived with my parents and brother. I have moved out but it has always been no more than a half hour car trip away. I would say that I am close to my family, but not in a traditional sense. My family has always been there for me and helped me when I needed it, and always showed me that they loved me. Aside from my parents and brother I also have my grandmother and grandfather here as well. And finally my friends, while not many in number, they are of the highest quality. If I want my mum I would have to spend 2 hours in the car trying to get to her. I can't just pop in for a chat. I feel safe here, and if I moved I think I would feel isolated, because I would only have The Boy and his parents that would be it. Sure we would make friends, but that takes time.

• Comfort zone. My comfort zone is here, I feel safe and relaxed, which is a good thing for my anxiety. I have pushed my comfort zone a lot in the last twelve months, I have moved in with The Boy, a first, I finally went away and left Sydney for a few weekends, something I had not done in about 5 years at least (due to anxiety), and I tried numerous new things like toastmasters and dancing. I just don't know if I need to keep pushing the boundaries. I think I could do with some stability and just enjoy my life, not pack it up again and move for 6 months, then move again.

• (Future) In Laws. If we move we will be living with his parents, in their house, with them and with his brother too when he bothers to actually come home. I love his parents, they love me, we all get along really well, if they didn't want me being with their son they would have done everything they could to break us up (which was done in the past with every other girlfriend) but they have done nothing but help us and are now offering us free rent. But can I do this? I am alpha female, can I put that part of me away for 6 months? I can be Passive Elissa on the weekends when we see them, but for 7 days a week for 6 months, it cannot be done. I'm not worried about his dad, as long as I don't have to listen to him every night of the week telling me how awful the world is and making me want to go out and shot myself. But his mum, the epitome of Alpha Female. We are either going to end up as best friends or the claws will come out. I hope it is best friend status, but I don't know. And that fear that we will end up in a massive fight and having The Boy right in the middle of it, is enough to make me want to just stay and not have to worry about it.

• The need for stability. The Boy and I have already moved twice in the last 12 months, neither of us really want to do it AGAIN. And then, if we do move, we will have to pack up and move in 6 months once we buy a house. That is moving 4 times in the space of 18 months. Not only that, but by the time we establish ourselves, make friends, have people in our local area know us, we will be moving again and into a completely new area an hour away. Where is the stability? When do I get to just sit back, relax, look around at my life and think, "Yes, it is beautiful". I cannot do that if I am moving and turning my life upside down, twice in 6 months, not to mention the fact that is has already been turned upside down after meeting The Boy. I need some constants in my life. Change is good, but there is definitely a thing as too much change.

• Steady income. If we move, I could potentially be in a position where I do not earn an income. It will take time to find another job and if we move while I am looking then there will be a period of time, that maybe be a week or could even turn into months, where I will earn nothing. Which means it is all up to The Boy to provide for our lives and put all the extra money into the savings account. It would also mean that my debt would go nowhere as I would not allow him to pay it. I earned it, I can get rid of it myself. And if that is the case, what would be the point in moving? At least if I stay I can look for another job and once I have one secured, then give notice where I am, and at least my loan would get paid consistently. Maybe not as quickly as it could be, but it would still get done. If we stay, there is no risk, and I can maintain my independence. I have never relied on a man to pay my way, I like to pay my own way, sure down the track if we have children it will be different, but I honestly would not be comfortable with it at this stage in my life. It is a big step and our relationship is ready for it, but I personally am not.

Ok, I think that is enough for now. It is still the early days, I am sure I will add to this list and the other as we think more about it. Nothing will be decided until we talk to my parents when they get back from their outback adventure in 3 weeks. Until then The Boy and I need to keep discussing the pros and cons and try also to not think about it and realise we are alive and take time out to enjoy that.

Image: Flickr

Reasons To Leave

As cliche as it is, I think I should make a list. Ever since we spoke with FMIL my head has been buzzing non stop with all the options available, as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it, and I am still thinking about it when I go to bed, so I have to get all these thoughts out of my head and in front of me so I can be 100% sure that whatever we choose is the right thing to do.

• I would be debt free by the end of the year. The result of that is we can put a lot of money into our savings account and we would be in a position to buy a house in the new year, it will no longer be a fantasy dream that will happen at some unknown point in the future. It also means I can go back to uni next year. I have wanted to go back for about two years now, but always put it off because I "couldn't afford it". If I put all my income into my debt and savings account I can go back next year and get it done.
  

• I would have the option to work part time. This is my fantasy life. Working part time and studying part time or just doing whatever I feel like. At the moment I find it hard, as The Boy and I both work full time, it is hard to come home after work and make a really nice dinner, and clean the dishes and do the washing and all the cleaning, and I am so sick of spending Saturday morning cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the Penthouse. If I worked part time I could get more housework done spread nicely over the week and I could create wonderful healthy dinners made from scratch and with love every night. Of course the major benefit of working part time is that I could easily have my book up to publishing standard in 4-6 months time and my dream of being published could become reality as early as 2010.

• Country lifestyle. Clean air, relaxed way of living, less people, less traffic, being able to go to the shops and actually move without hitting people with my handbag. Having people serve me at the shops. Being able to see natural landscape and not having my lungs get congested with fumes from the highway. Surely this would benefit my anxiety immensely, my shrink even told me she thought it would be best to get out of Sydney ages ago. Perhaps this could be an environment and way of life that I would thrive in. I could even join the CWA, something I have always wanted to secretly do.

• Adventure. At the end of the day this would be an adventure. I have been wanting to just do something out of my comfort zone, I was thinking about going off to Europe and travelling around, but maybe this could be my adventure instead. A smarter adventure with many benefits at the end of it. It is only for 6 months, and I could just be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I could work when I want to, learn to knit and bake scones, I could set up a veggie garden and begin producing my own organic vegetables. We would have the ability to actually go away on weekends and stay somewhere nice. I would be starting from scratch, and whatever happens is up to me. I have nothing to loose, the only thing keeping me in Sydney would be friends and family, I was going to get a new job anyway, so now is the perfect time for me to just pack up and leave for an adventure.

These seem like good points, there are not a lot of points, but they are all very good and very big things. I can see a lot of dreams being achieved this way. Now it is time to think about why I should stay

Image: Flickr

Decisions, Decisions

I had a very intense weekend. I don't know where to start. FMIL came down, we had to go into the city to try and sell The Boy's brothers engagement ring. He bought it for his then girlfriend but they split before he proposed so now he is stuck trying to get rid of a 1/2 caret princess cut solitaire ring.

So we went into the city, the place we wanted wasn't open and we tried a few others without much luck. I will admit I was in a bad mood. Work is really taking it's toll on me, and a few other things as well. I mentioned to The Boy how much I really didn't want to be in the city doing all this. He, innocently mentioned it to FMIL, failing to see the potential damage it could cause. So I had my first "tiff" with FMIL. I knew it had to happen eventually, we are both alpha female, except I hide my alpha female in her presence. She went on about the importance of family and it ended with me apologising, giving her a hug and bursting into tears. It was then we told her everything.

Everything includes my job, how badly I am treated there, it is only getting worse. I'm not even treated like a person, just a robot, where my workload gets bigger and bigger. The Boy saw this coming months and months ago, but it has only been in the last few weeks I have come to realise just how bad it is. Enough is enough, I do not deserve to be treated this way. No one does. So we told her about that, and how I was trapped because I cannot leave my job because of my debt to pay. And then we told her about how we are struggling to get what we need to buy a house, and that it may not happen next year at all.

Her answer to all of this, was for us to come and live with them, rent free, the only thing we would need to pay for would be food, and everything we earn goes straight into buying a house. Only problem is, they live 2 hours away.

It seems like the right thing to do. On paper. But I have lived in Sydney all my life, born and bred, and I have never done anything like this. It is what The Boy did for me 10 months ago and now it might be my turn. It would only be for 6 months tops. Besides what do I have here anyway? Family and friends, that's it. Not my job, nothing, just people.

So much to think about, my mind is racing with possibility. I am experiencing every emotion there is, and I am feeling stressed. I know it would be the right thing to do, but we cannot make this decision lightly. I need stability but I also know I cannot stay living the way I am. I need change as much as I don't need it. I have always felt that I was a country girl and would end up living a country life, I just always thought it was in the future. Perhaps it is, in the immediate future. So much to think about, I'll keep you posted.

Breaking Free

I used to work in retail in the confectionery department and on the back wall was a quote. "Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth always lies." I have found this to be true. I don't lie though, I love chocolate. But it has gone from being a treat to becoming an everyday staple in my diet. In the last few days I have been eating a lot more than I usually do because "I have PMS and therefore I can eat as much chocolate as I want and you had better not say otherwise". As I sat last night after dinner looking at an open packet of 70% organic dark chocolate with already two rows gone and no doubt more to be eaten I realised I have a problem.

So as of today I am taking a week off. Sure I probably need to take more time away from it, at least a month, but if that was the goal it would be too hard and I would be inhaling it within an hour of making that goal. I have done a week before. I can do it again. Although last time I wasn't a hormonal woman snapping at The Boy and grinding my teeth at work while trying not to stand up tell them what I really think and walking out the door. But I figure if I can do it while I am all these things then I can definitely break this addiction.

The Boy said he would join me. I told him chocolate included milo. He agreed. This morning as I hugged him while he was putting his shoes on I said to him.

"What am I going to do? I always have hot chocolate with my cereal, what do I do now?" (Having it first thing in the morning as soon as I wake up - if that is not an addiction I don't know what is)
The Boy said nothing. In fact he looked away from me.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Did you have hot chocolate this morning?"
"Maybe."
"But last night we agreed, and I said no milo."
"It wasn't milo, it was drinking chocolate."

Men. What else can I say. Apparently he is now going without. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. So this morning in my glass of hot milk I put in instant coffee. Really not the same. I might have to have a smoothie or something tomorrow. And what about tonight? What do I do after dinner when I am craving something sweet and experiencing some serious cramping? Munch on an apple? And on the weekend with FMIL coming down, what do I do? Bake a carrot cake?

OK I am not in denial anymore, I can see it is a problem. One that is now being stopped. I am going to go now, and google "chocolate replacement" and maybe eat a banana and think about fruit and vegetables and remind myself how great being a woman is. I wonder if sarcasm is a withdrawal symptom?

Image: Flickr

Notice Anything Different?

There is something different about this canvas. Notice it? Yes I have added another leaf that looks like a bare bottom could be sitting on top of it. But there is something else....

The dark green leaf on the left hand side is gone. Gone! All that hard work and effort and it is gone! Why? Well as I was constructing the large leaf it was getting close to the dark green one. So close that I was going to end up running into it. I picked up my chart and looked very carefully. On the 7th row from the top of the dark green leaf I made an error. I was one stitch over, which meant that every row under that (about 20-30) was one over. Was this a problem? Yes.

The Boy told me I was "talented" enough that I could just work around it. I told him it wasn't talent, it was following a chart and I had made an error in doing that and it didn't matter what he said it had to be made right. Maybe I could have done a botch job, but if I did it would bother me for the rest of my life. I would see it hanging up in a certain person's house, and everytime I saw it I would be reminded. The leaf would have to go and would have to be sewn again, this time in the correct spot.

I don't know how it happened in the first place. I am not careless when it comes to these things. So I think it was one of two things. Either I was so absorbed in Sex and the City that I wasn't paying enough attention (although given I could recite the scripts myself I doubt it) or that I was so excited about getting back into tapestry that I didn't look closely enough at the chart and my work because I was a little too determined to get it done. It has certainly been a lesson. I know doing a rush job never pays off. I just didn't apply my knowledge of that at the time. Next time I will be more aware.

So, I had to remove the offending leaf. How was I going to do that? I searched my sewing box and couldn't find my unpicker, or my embroidery scissor. Which means that I must have another secret stash of sewing supplies hidden somewhere at mum's house. Out of pure frustration and a strong desire to make things right I began to cut the wool with ordinary scissors. It was very difficult. The Boy pulled the canvas out of my hands and told me not to be so stupid and to stop before I put a hole in it. He then disappeared, and emerged a minute later with...... his razor.

What did he do? He sat with my canvas on his lap and shaved the back of the offending leaf. Very gently, and with great care, and slowly the wool began to pull away. He was slow, and patient, and I watched as the leaf disappeared before my eyes. Before I knew it, it was gone. The canvas was unharmed and I was free to start again. I looked at disbelief at the pile of wool in front of me. Sure it might not be in the tapestry books, but it worked. I was a happy camper. I could now carry on anxiety free.

I couldn't help but smile for the rest of the night. I think you can see why.

Re-Discovering Past Hobbies

With my passion for tennis re-ignited, I decided it was time I explored some more of the things I loved when I was younger to see if I wanted to get back into them. Sewing (clothes and all forms of needle art) was one of them.

At school I did Textiles and Design and in Year 10 we had to make a dress and complete a needle art of some form. Most girls choose cross stitch. I decided to be a little different and after talking to mum I found myself learning tapestry. I received full marks for my piece and I was in love with it. I continued doing tapestry while at uni, but of course, like everything else, once I began working full time it stopped. That was until last weekend.

This Christmas I want to give gifts that have been "made with love". So I decided for one particular person I was going to make them a tapestry. I found my old books (thankfully I still have as they are no longer in print) picked a design (one had always wanted to get around to doing) and went to visit one of the only places in Sydney where I could get supplies. The previous weekend The Boy and I went out to another 'Supa Centa' where both Spotlight and Lincraft were located and they only catered for cross stitching (and even that was very limited). So last weekend it was off to the wonderful ladies at The Crewel Gobelin. If you are in Sydney and into any kind of tapestry, cross stitch, stitchery or anything similar I recommend you go there, it is worth the trip as they have abundant supplies and old fashioned service.

I spent almost half an hour there as the woman helping me very patiently picked out everything I would need. While I was there I also went through their items for sale and picked up two stitchery kits, something I have been meaning to learn, which will be done after this tapestry. Once I was home I couldn't wait to get started, and began the lengthy task of assembling the frame, finding the exact centre point of the canvas (I am a perfectionist so naturally I counted every single square and worked out the absolute centre from there) and tacking in the centre lines. After that I was finally able to begin.

It all came back to me, how addictive it is, the sense of achievement from every completed section and looking at the canvas beginning to take shape, and also the relaxation and peace you get from it. I now have a new favourite thing to do on Sunday mornings. I always do my beauty routine then, hair mask, let that sit in a towel for an hour, then full body scrub followed with lotion and a full facial. And now as I sit with my hair mask or face mask I am now sitting on the lounge with my tapestry while watching Sex and the City. Utterly relaxing as I get into the rhythmic flow of weaving the needle in and out. I was the most relaxed I have felt in a long time.So there is my work. I am totally loving re-discovering past hobbies. I wonder what it will turn into, and more importantly, who will be the lucky receiver of this gift? I know what I will be doing this weekend, what about you?

Is That An Answer?

Work. I don't hide the fact that my current role is a paycheck and not a career. I work hard, I do all that is asked of me to a high standard and am always efficient. But that is as far as it goes. I have no ambition to pursue my current field. Lately I have been questioning whether to stay or move on. Maybe it is time to go out and get into the scientific world (and actually use that Biology degree I spent three years obtaining). I didn't take that path at the time for a reason, instead I choose what was already familiar and it lead me on a very wild journey to rock bottom and back again. It was also a journey where I finally found out who I was and what I was good at and knowing there was nothing wrong with being proud of my abilities.

But now, I think it is time to change paths again. I feel I am finally making progress on the life I dream of, and working in this job does not fit that picture. So here I was sitting at my desk, doing the work, but also thinking, should I move on?

And what happens? Some random guy walks in who was cleary on drugs or with a strong addiction and was needing a hit or something, and asks to speak to whoever was in charge. The female boss said "I am." He wanted a male. He was informed it was her or nothing. He decided to yell out every swear word possible, I am sure there was one or two I have never heard and then he pounded his fist down on the counter. I sat there frozen and terrified.

Fortunately he left after his fist pounding, storming out yellowing and slamming the door, and I was left with a racing heart and severe shaking. It is a small office in a small office block, anyone can just walk in, and with no men around (most days anyway) it would be easy for something to happen. The female boss asked if I was ok. I nodded, and she told me that if I was ever in here alone (as I sometimes am) to just lock the front door. I will be doing that every time now.

So, is that my answer? I could be reading into it waaaaayyyy to much, but then it is a very random thing to do. We are not a shop front on a highway, but tucked away from the main road and down a very steep driveway. You would have to know these offices existed to come into them. Very random indeed.

Naturally I called The Boy to make me feel better. Of course he affirmed what I was already thinking. That yes I should begin searching elsewhere. We are going to talk about it tonight, I sense another weekend of thinking will be coming up. Or not, as I am quite sure I have already found my answer, just need to work on the how.

Image: Flickr