The Answer Cannot Be Any More Obvious

I am sitting here, going through seek applying for jobs and looking for new ones. Literally I am just about to send off an app and my phone rings. It is private number and it is a recruiter who found my details on a database from over a year ago and was wondering if I am still available for work. She has an office in Newcastle and after I told her I was moving (potentially) she said that if I send her an updated CV she would be happy to send my details on and "take if from there". Do you think I have an answer to my big question yet?

Afternoon Tea

I am now in the habit of baking on Sunday's. Usually I do muffins or a cake, all made from scratch, so The Boy and I have something to take to work along with our fruit. On Sunday afternoon I was having my lovely friend Miss K over for a catch up. It was my first time entertaining in The Penthouse that didn't involve family, so I decided to make something a little different.
A few weeks ago I found the AWW cookbook The Country Table and as soon as I opened it up I knew I had to have it. So I flipped through it on Saturday and decided on honey jumbles. Interestingly this recipe didn't involve any honey at all but instead used golden syrup. The team behind the cookbook suggested the prep and cook time was around 25 minutes. How about two hours instead! I don't often make biscuits I'll admit, usually if I do I buy a log and use a knife to make biscuits. The only exception to this is making my gingerbread cookies, but these "honey" jumbles were much more involved than the humble gingerbread (although the end result was slightly similar in taste).

As usual I successfully managed to make a mess in the kitchen, even though I was washing up as I went I couldn't help getting flour all over the bench and floor. An hour before my friend was due it was time to make the icing (I had actually planned to make biscuits and cake but ran out of time). The AWW listed how to make the icing. It was 1 1/2 cups of icing sugar, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice and 1 tablespoon of flour. We only had 1/2 cup of icing sugar in the cupboard so The Boy was forced to go out and buy some more. When he returned I only had about 20 minutes, so without thinking I made up the icing sugar as per the recipe. I iced four of them and tasted the icing and spat it out. The flour gave it an almost soapy taste and was awful! I had no idea why they suggested flour because it was just wrong. With fifteen minutes to go we had to start again. I just went for icing sugar, water and vanilla essence, and of course, pink food colouring and this time it turned out brilliantly.
The icing was a little runny, but it did give the jumbles a home made feel (that and my lack of ability to make them look the same) they were a huge success and tasted amazing. I will definitely be making them again and the recipe was fantastic. Better than the ones in the shop, much more flavour and still very soft in the middle.

We did have some left over to take to work the next day. Of course The Boy was told at work that next time I need to use blue icing if he is to ever bring in home made food again.

So What Is Happening With The A Word?

The A Word. What can I say. Up until FMIL's offer, it was doing great, so great that my shrink told me that my goal for the next 6 months was to focus on my health so I could get off the meds. 12 months ago my shrink told me I may have to face that fact that I could be on them for life. Then I suddenly see the finishing line in front of me, only 6 more months and med free, and then.....

I am now faced with a decision about whether to pack up my entire life and start again. This does not help the A word. In fact I have done a 120 (not quite at 180 yet) and am very anxious again. I have gone back to old patterns and habits, and unhelpful thoughts are now swimming around my headspace again. Just when I thought I had dealt with it all and would never have to go through all the b/s again, it all comes back. Just trying to make the decision is causing it, and then when I think, lets do it, lets move, it gets worse. I think about everything that could go wrong and all the changes I have to make and it makes the anxiety symptoms come on strong.

Like this morning, The Boy and I had an "argument". I made an innocent, non judgemental comment, but apparently they way I said it was judgmental and hence we "debated" for 40 minutes this morning over the phone. Naturally we resolved it, but it made me anxious, and flooded me with lots of unhelpful thoughts. I resolved that we cannot move, because what if we have a fight, who can I turn to? No one! What if FMIL gets involved, then what happens? What if The Boy had to choose between us? What if I accidentally told her to **** off and mind her own business, what would happen then? Anxiety that is what happens! Major panic attacks, and just thinking about it makes me jittery, and I think, no we are not going to move, and then I get anxious again because I don't want to stay where I am now anymore.

Then there is the issue of money. Apparently it doesn't matter if I don't have a job when we move (assuming that is the decision we make) because The Boy can "provide for me". He can "sustain" me until I get a job. Ok, so this is probably the dream of a lot of girls/women, and when I was a little girl it was my dream too, and when I first started working it was my goal, but I have been an "Independent Princess" for several years now, and have never relied on any man to provide for me. I can look after myself thank you very much. Sure, down the track when I am pregnant/have a newborn I can do it, but now? Of course The Boy isn't just "any man". He is The Man I am spending my life with, but I am really struggling to get my head around this concept. The thought of having to rely on him to "look after" me is sending my anxiety right up.

So I am just left feeling more confused. Still no closer to a decision, but wishing I was back in a different headspace. Hoping I can still begin 2010 med free. I'm seeing The Shrink tomorrow, hopefully I'll gain some clarity and some peace and that all is not yet lost.

Image: Flickr

You Know You Hate Your Job When....

• When you spend all day changing the master report, only to have the technicians not bother to use it and send you their reports with the old format and you then have to spend several days making changes to every single report they send through.
• You get in trouble for not remembering to ring a client to ask when they are going to pay their bill because you have been too busy re-formatting reports for a massive job that has gone over time and where we all need to "get it done faster".
• You get in trouble for not taking the tea towels home on a Friday to wash them, when it was allegedly in your agreement. This is interesting to you because you have been there for nearly a year and it is the first you heard of it and you don't even have an agreement as the only piece of paper they got you to sign was a tax file number declaration form.
• You are happy in the mornings until you look at the clock, realise it is 8am and you suddenly feel severely depressed.
• Your brand new heels already have scratch marks on them because you drag your feet up the stairs to the office because you really don't want to get inside.
• You countdown to 5pm as soon as you turn on your computer.
• You b**ch about work and the family members who run it to another girl at work who is only in once a week and spend a long lunch together in pure negative thinking.
• You no longer care about hiding the truth and openly browse through seek even though your boss is three metres away.
• You snap at your man as soon as you get home because every day is a bad day with more s**t dumped on you.
• You quietly shed a tear when the accounts lady (company "secretary" who is part of the family that owns the business) leaves cake on the table and says loud enough for everyone to hear "I'm sure Elissa will get stuck into it".
• You get in trouble for not purchasing luggage tags for an alleged work trip (try holiday), however the first you heard of it is when you got in trouble for not doing it.
• When the flickering light hasn't been fixed because the accounts lady (company "secretary") told you she was getting the electrician to fix it and then she comes in puts her hands on her hips and yells out, "Do you do anything I ask you to?" and you sit there clueless with no idea what you have done wrong until she informs you that you were meant to ask one of "the boys" to fix it.
• The male family member leans over the counter to allegedly discuss something with you but the only discussion he is having is with your cleavage.
• You have been asked to track every single minute you spend at work as "3 hours general duties" isn't good enough as they want to know what that is, so in spite you include "0.25 filling in timesheet" and fight the urge to put "0.25 excreting bodily fluids".
• You are standing next to another girl at work who has burst into tears and sobbing away and you are rubbing her back telling her it is ok, as she tells you that she has been told by the boss that if she doesn't get out of the office and get new business for the company her hours will be cut. This is interesting considering she is a scientist and employed as one and has never sold anything in her life and it is news to her, that is when you realise you are not the only one.
• You then find out that the other girl who works part time has been asked to do more hours so male member can be in the office more. This is interesting as crying member will have her hours cut back, and you realise family is cost cutting and none of them have a heart.
• You convince the non family member girls to find other jobs so you can all leave together and ensure you really screw over the family.
  
• You have chosen the date when you give your notice and you are counting down every minute until it happens.

Wow, this has all happened in the last few weeks, could the answer be any clearer?

Image: Flickr

Welcome Holly and No Pressure

Last week The Boy's Sister gave birth to a beautiful girl they have named Holly. A tiny 7 pounds but absolutely gorgeous. We have not had the chance to meet her yet as she is all the way up in Coffs Harbour but hopefully soon we can. In the meantime we have sent up a gift. I'll be honest I have never really had to buy for a newborn before. All my married/de facto friends don't have children, and neither do any of my cousins that I see, so this was a new experience for me.

Holly is a size 00000, we couldn't find anything in that size, but we did get a 0000 pink jumpsuit and a 000 purple one and a 000 pack of three, which are short sleeved and we figure she will be big enough for them in the summer. I couldn't resist getting the matching socks though, and even though The Boy and I had no idea what we were doing in the Babyswear department at DJ's, I think we have done well. We also got a little something for his sister too because looking after a newborn is a huge job.

Shopping for babies clothes with The Boy was a new and interesting experience. We are in the stage of life where everyone is asking "When are you getting married?" I want to say "When we bloody feel like it and is it ok with you if we decide to focus on other priorities right now, or you could just mind your own business unless you want me asking if you are pregnant." But I just smile and say "Sometime in the next two years." Of course once we get married everyone will then be asking "When are you going to start having children." Well, that may have already started.

The Boy was on the phone to FMIL asking about what size clothes to get for Holly, and FMIL tells us 00000 and then mentions that his sister is going to put away all her baby stuff, her cot, clothes, toys, everything. FOR US. That's right, for us to use in the future. Apparently we are next. Holly is her second and no more planned so apparently The Boy and I are next. How soon is this meant to occur I wonder. We have talked about it, but it is always something in the future, we haven't even assigned a timeline to the process, which is what we do with everything.

I'm not going to worry about it though, I have bigger things to put my attention onto, but I know it will happen someday. Both The Boy and I were making funny faces at all the tiny little clothes. Making "awwww" sounds and "it's so cute". Then kissing and cuddling and suddenly "I want a baby" popped out. It was a side of him I had never seen before, right in front of me he became broody. I must admit I liked it, but once the clothes had been put in a bag and we walked out of there, I could feel myself start to breath quite fast, so I took him off to EB and purchased an xbox game and let him be a boy for the rest of the afternoon. No need to make the future happen right away. I think we should both work out where we are going to live before we bring up the "B" word again.

So I've Started Looking....

For jobs, in the Hunter Valley, Newcastle, Central Coast region. This doesn't mean we have decided on anything, but just in case we do decide to move, I would rather have a job to go to straight away, then sit around not know what to do with myself and spending probably too many hours with FMIL. Just the two of us. I still have that fear. The Boy is afraid that I will become best friends with her and we will both gang up on him. I would prefer that actually, a partner in crime.

Anyway, so I have started looking, which means this weekend I need to spruce up my CV and update my cover letters and then start applying. This process might take a while, and I just want to put it out there, see if I get any bites. Maybe even some interviews. I'll be honest there is part of me that thinks if I get something then we are meant to move, and if I don't then we are meant to stay. I know that isn't true, we still need a lot of time to really think things through, but if I can get a few interviews and have some options, then it is only going to assist us is making the right decision I think. At least I will feel more secure if I do this.

I have mentioned this "situation" to a couple of people, just wondering what other people think. One person told me we would be downright stupid if we didn't do it and she would do it without thinking about it if she and her partner had the chance (and she is in the same situation as us, eagerly trying to buy their first place as well). The other person I mentioned it to, a woman in her early 40's, who is very wise and I could talk to her for hours (and I will mention does wonderful work on my face with her microdermabrasion machine - my one indulgence) told me "NO!" Why? Because of the potential that I might really ruin the relationship with FMIL and then The Boy would be in the middle. Then she tole me "You have to do it" after thinking about it some more because if we don't then FMIL may get offended as she doing it to help and that will just add tension to our relationship if we refuse that help, or as my darling wise friend told me "add 1 or 2 years of trying to repair the damage".

I am no closer to making a decision, but I do have more to think about. The Boy told "the boys" at work, who all told him he would be stupid to do it because I'll then become best friends with FMIL and that means he will effectively have two "mothers" telling him what to do, how to do it, and how he should be shaping the rest of his life. Personally I don't see how this is any different to our current situation ;)

So there is my weekend, more thinking, more journaling, a little job hunting and lots of quality time with The Boy.

Image: Flickr

What To Do

I am feeling a little melancholy today. The Boy and I spoke to my mum last night, we didn't mention anything about our potential living situation for the next 6 months, but we just listened to her briefly telling of her adventures in the NT and WA. She is not back for another 2 weeks, we then spoke to his mum and told her nothing would be decided for a while. We have both decided to to leave it for a few weeks, talking and thinking about it all the time was just causing us both unnecessary stress.

So today I have found myself thinking about what I want to do, basically with my life. I know what I want it to look like, but the actual "what am I doing to earn an income" part is always blank. If it isn't blank then it is always something new. There is no constant. I know I want to write, but not full time. I could not sit at a desk for 40 hours a week writing. I need people. So I don't know what to do. I feel how I felt when I finished uni, and that was 5.5 years ago now, and I feel frustrated that I am back here again.

I need to talk to The Boy, and I need to go back and do some serious journalling. Nail down what my skills and my gifts are and be guided by that. I need some direction, I have it in every other area of my life and I need to find it for the "career" section of my life. I don't know what I will find. Maybe further study, maybe study in a completely different field, and maybe SAHM will even pop up. I don't know, but I know I cannot continue being so aimless when it comes to work. Life is to short for me to be wasting up to 40 hours a week doing something I really don't want to do and am not passionate about.

I am a different person to the one when I left uni, and I have discovered new skills and gifts, but I haven't thought about how to use them. Now is the time to do that, if we are going to take a big leap of faith and have a little country adventure with the In Laws then I need to know what I am doing in life. I know I will find it, I just need to take the time on the weekend to sit in my favourite chair or on the bed with the sun streaming through, pull out the pink journal and just write, make lists, look at what I have achieved and find the common thread, look at my dreams, my secret hopes and find what it all connects to. Then I will know which path to take and which direction to follow. Then I can finally pursue a job that I can put everything into, my passion and desire, and be the best I can be.

Image: Flickr