Self Esteem Still Not There Yet

Had another fight with The Boy this morning. Worse than yesterday. We are moving on the weekend and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. His parents are helping and I did make a not very nice comment about his mum, which I regret. I just really want her to like me but because of that pressure I am scared of her. Scared that if I slip up she will turn on me and tell him he can do better blah blah blah.

After my fight with The Boy, I sat down and began thinking. Why do I do this to him? I have realised that while my self esteem is a lot better than it has ever been, it is still not there yet. I have to be honest, and that means that deep down I don't feel like I deserve him. I feel he can do better. I really believe that this belief is what makes me be not nice and try to push him away, because he is too good for me.

This really saddens me because I love him so much, but I really need to be a little nicer to him. I have always in the pasted dated not nice people, who always had one issue or another. I decided I was over the drama and wanted a drama free man, during this time I also had improved my self esteem to the point where I thought I was worthy of such a person.

Then I finally get what I want. And now what. Now I am creating the drama and acting as the immature one. I am the one trying to push him away and it hurts so much because I realise that I am doing this because deep down I feel like I really don't deserve him, that I am not good enough to be with him. This needs to be changed because I am not going to loose him. I am just going to have to keep on building on the work I have been doing and get back to my affirmations. I am worthy of this man and I do deserve to be treated nicely and I do deserve to have a healthy relationship. I deserve love and to love in return.

I'm getting there baby, thanks for helping me along.