Why Weight?

Above is Weight Watchers Online Slimmer Jennifer - her story has inspired me today.

Last night I went to my meeting. I was sure I had gained, and I did, however I didn't think I would gain quite as much as I did. I'm not even going to put the gain up this week. I know exactly why it happened though, because while I was being so good during the week, as soon as Friday rolled around it was pizza and chocolate time, and that mentality just kept going until Sunday night. I have been doing this for a few weeks now, and for the first two weeks I got away with it, but not anymore. This is fine, I knew I would have to stop that eventually.

In the meeting two things stuck with me. The first was that we talked about self sabotage and I thought am I doing that? I know that I can say that in the past, definitely, I lost weight and I would ensure that I would gain it back, because I didn't love myself at all and I was punishing myself for various things. For the last two years I do not think it has been the case. For the first year, it was all about survival after "The Incident" and that is fine, but what about the last 14 months? I know that I do love myself now, so why? Am I still afraid? Or am I still punishing myself for "The Incident"?

But is it even that deep anymore? Maybe now it has simply become a habit. I enjoy my binges because it tastes so good and I enjoy veging out in front of the TV with my collection of girly DVDs. I don't think that now it has to do with not loving myself, because I do, and I also believe that I finally have forgiven myself for what happened, so I think that it is simply a case of emotional eating. On the weekend I felt anxious so I ate 3/4 of a packet of pods. Simple. On Friday night, I felt lazy so I ordered pizza. On Saturday I was craving some fun because I was feeling stressed about all the cleaning, so I ate chocolate. My challenge now, for all of these emotions, is to find something else to do about them. Stress = walking, lazy = weight watchers frozen pizza, wanting to feel good = dancing, singing, writing, sewing, laughing, cooking 97% fat free chocolate muffins. I think time will tell me if it is any deeper than this. I will have to let you know.

The second thing that struck me, was my leader was telling us about her journey, she lost 17kg in 24 weeks, and she said that it wasn't easy, that she had massive losses and then very small ones, that she had a few plateaus, and then she said, that in week 4 or 5 she gained weight. HELLO!! Week 4 weigh in - I gain!! So if she can do it, actually not only do it but then go on to teach it, then I can too, and I will. I am going to do everything healthy this week and ensure I loose 2kg so I make up for the loss and then some. So far so good, 4.5 bonus points yesterday and I only ate back 1.5 of them. Tracking everything, even the sneaky BBQ sauce I swirled on the ww pizza last night, which was only 0.5 points anyway, and considering we didn't eat till 9:30 I think that is a very good achievement.

Now that I am inspired again and feeling good about myself, I really should post this and get back to work!