The Boy and I were talking last night, we had a minor fight, I cannot even remember what it was about, but it didn't last long, they never do, we always sort it out quickly. So we discussed what we were upset about, and continued talking. It suddenly turned into a deep and meaningful. He asked me why, when he does something around the house, I always find the one thing he didn't do. Why do I criticise him. The words came out of my mouth, I didn't even think about it, I told him that I criticise him because I always criticise myself.
Wow. I was unaware that was inside me. He asked me why, I told him I was a perfectionist. I then told him that I was really struggling so much at the moment because I felt that I was a failure, that I wasn't achieving anything. The Boy pointed out to me all the things I was doing, and the changes I was making, and then he pointed out what I had done. That one big thing that I had managed to overcome. I told him that for the first two years it was all about that goal, and I reached it, and I just wasn't sure now what to do. I told him that I didn't feel like it was an achievement at all, because I believed that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. That I had not done anything wonderful because if I just didn't walk that path in the first place it would never have happened.
I then had tears welling in my eyes. I thought I had forgiven myself for this, I thought it had all been dealt with. Apparently not (which would explain why I find editing my book so hard). The Boy lifted my head, looked at me and told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been lead astray, that bad people took advantage of my vulnerability and brought me down, just to have another one on their level and to make money off me, but I got through it because I am a good person and that is an achievement.
It was then that I realised for the first time, that it wasn't my fault. It really wasn't. I saw this image of a weak person being pushed down a hill, and that person getting back up to the top all by themselves. It wasn't that persons fault they were at the bottom, but they got up on their own. That was what happened. The Boy made me see what was in front of me the whole time, I was weak and vulnerable. It was not my fault.
I then began to cry and hugged him and thanked him. I feel like I finally have forgiven myself and finally dealt with it, now that I can clearly see it wasn't my fault. The Boy was right, I did achieve a magnificent thing getting over it. That is Love, someone who cares about you, listens to you and helps you see what is right in front of you. Makes you take away your view and holds the truth up for you. I am so grateful he is in my life and helps me so much. I Love You Baby. xoxo
Wow. I was unaware that was inside me. He asked me why, I told him I was a perfectionist. I then told him that I was really struggling so much at the moment because I felt that I was a failure, that I wasn't achieving anything. The Boy pointed out to me all the things I was doing, and the changes I was making, and then he pointed out what I had done. That one big thing that I had managed to overcome. I told him that for the first two years it was all about that goal, and I reached it, and I just wasn't sure now what to do. I told him that I didn't feel like it was an achievement at all, because I believed that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. That I had not done anything wonderful because if I just didn't walk that path in the first place it would never have happened.
I then had tears welling in my eyes. I thought I had forgiven myself for this, I thought it had all been dealt with. Apparently not (which would explain why I find editing my book so hard). The Boy lifted my head, looked at me and told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been lead astray, that bad people took advantage of my vulnerability and brought me down, just to have another one on their level and to make money off me, but I got through it because I am a good person and that is an achievement.
It was then that I realised for the first time, that it wasn't my fault. It really wasn't. I saw this image of a weak person being pushed down a hill, and that person getting back up to the top all by themselves. It wasn't that persons fault they were at the bottom, but they got up on their own. That was what happened. The Boy made me see what was in front of me the whole time, I was weak and vulnerable. It was not my fault.
I then began to cry and hugged him and thanked him. I feel like I finally have forgiven myself and finally dealt with it, now that I can clearly see it wasn't my fault. The Boy was right, I did achieve a magnificent thing getting over it. That is Love, someone who cares about you, listens to you and helps you see what is right in front of you. Makes you take away your view and holds the truth up for you. I am so grateful he is in my life and helps me so much. I Love You Baby. xoxo
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